TEN

★Kiara★

It's weird. Knowing the shitstorm that is my mother is approaching, but still feeling content right now.

I'm laying on Deven's couch, the two of us watching Cartoon Network, though it's about to become Adult Swim soon. My feet are up on their lap where they sit at the other end of the couch.

They have their own apartment, no roommates, so it's just us here. Hanging out.

Deven knows about my mother. They used to let me come over to their house and vent to them whenever things got really bad. Their tíos never asked questions, they just let me spend the night and kept me fed. I used to have to sleep on their futon couch until Deven came out as gay. Then their tíos stopped caring.

I want to stop second guessing myself, and fully believe that they see me as a best friend in the way that I do, but unfortunately anxiety doesn't seem to permit that. Now that I'm really thinking about it though, we are closer than I may have thought.

Hell, I'm sitting on their couch in dinosaur pajama pants, my feet in their lap while watching The Amazing World of Gumball.

Plus, they are completely fine with me coming over to stay the night. I was the one who decided to reach out (very rare for me), and they let me rant about my life while they just listened. I told them about how—even now—my mother manages to control me. How she intends to visit on September 27th. How fucking terrified I am.

They just rubbed my back, allowing me to let it all out. They reminded me that my mother has absolutely no right to be controlling of me now that I'm 18. I understand that, but it doesn't change the dynamic I have with my mother. I would go no contact if I could, but I'm afraid. She'd find a way to hurt me still.

Deven suggested a restraining order. I said that would be protocol for when drastic measures are necessary, but I pray we won't get to that point.

Anyway, we plan to pull an all-nighter. We're going to stay up binging Brooklyn 99, and eating lots of snacks. I've only ever done one "all-nighter", and that was not fun. Nor was it a choice.

Once the episode of The Amazing World of Gumball ends, we get up from the couch. It's past 9:30 PM, so I'm already feeling weary. Thankfully though, Deven has lots of caffeinated soda and a coffee machine. Lucille bought one for our dorm too, but I don't know how to use it. I also don't know if she would even allow me to.

We start with the most basic snack: Popcorn. We agree to put some M&M's on top as well for some extra flavor. I grab a Coke to drink, and they take an orange Sunkist.

Then, we devour our popcorn, binging as many episodes as we can. We're an hour in now, though only on the 4th episode. We've set the empty popcorn bowl down on the coffee table and my head is leaning against their shoulder

"You know, if I weren't aware that you're a lesbian," They say. "I'd think you had a crush on me or something with the way you act around me."

I snort. "Nah, you're just my favorite person." I admit. I don't realize the words I've just spouted until it's too late. Embarrassing...

"Really?" They ask, not giving me enough time to say something to distract them from the fact I just said that. "Honestly I just assumed you would always hang out with me because you had no other options." They admit sheepishly.

"That is true, but that doesn't disregard the fact that I like you, dude! I enjoy spending time with you. You fucking get me when no one else does." As I say all this aloud, I really realize how true it all is. We've been going to the same schools since kindergarten, and we've been friends for years. But I guess I never fully consider how much I really do enjoy spending time and talking with Deven.

Deven is quiet for a moment more. "You know, I have quite a bit of friends, but they don't really get me either. Most of 'em will forget to or won't bother to call me they half the time. They also don't have killer music taste like you do." I laugh at that comment. "If I didn't like dick, I would be totally in love with you."

I smile softly. "Me too... Except my dislike of dick is what's holding me back. Well, no. I am in love with you. Platonically."

They grin. "Well I'm platonically in love with you too. And perhaps if we end up single and alone in the future, we can marry each other for the tax benefits." They hold up a finger gun, pointing it at me. I laugh.

"Yeah. Just like all those shitty dramas, except we wouldn't fall romantically in love in the end."

"Right on." They say, and then draw their attention back to the screen.

You know, for some reason, all this talk about love is really messing me up... Like every time I would say the words "in love" my mind would immediately wander to that asshole roommate of mine.

I'm going to be completely honest in that I am probably developing a crush on her. And I fucking hate that so much more than I probably should. I know it's hopeless. She actually hates me, and I'm still not even sure if she likes girls. I would also be miserable if I was with her. Maybe.

I think something that bothers me even more, is that it is my own fault she hates me. I pushed her buttons too many times, especially with that stupid bullshit prank I did. Where did I even come up with that? Why the hell did I do that? Yes, when we first met she was bitchy. Yes, she has been bitchy since. But I've made it worse.

In the case she does like girls, I doubt I'm her type anyway. After all this, and just how I am in general. She's just way too irritable. And she's the partying, going out type. I am just not. It would never work out.

I don't even know what I like about her! Yeah, she's super attractive and pretty, and it's totally possible for the two of us to have fun and interact in a friendly manner, but she can be so judgy.

I need to move on before my crush gets worse. Or before she finds out how I'm feeling.

"You still thinking about your mom?" Deven asks, snapping me away from my thoughts.

"Nah." I clarify. "Lucille."

"Your roommate..? Why?" Their left eyebrow is raised.

"Don't laugh." I point a finger at them. I know they will anyway, but I might as well threaten them first.

"Okay..." It's clear on their face that they know exactly where this is going, but they wait for me to say it.

"So... Um... I might be catching feelings..." I mutter, feeling my face flush.

They throw their head back with a laugh. "No fucking way." They quickly pause the show, granting me their undivided attention.

"There's really not much to tell, Dev. It's doomed."

"How is it doomed?" They ask, calling my BS.

"Because she hates me! And we're complete opposites! And don't you dare say opposites attract," I cut them off. "Because we really are just too different. She goes out to parties, and is loud, and probably has a bunch of friends, and she gets pissed so easily. I'm not any of that!"

"Wow. You are so not like other girls." They deadpan.

"You know what I'm getting at! I'm a fucking nerd who stays inside watching stupid TV shows," I gesture at the TV before us. "And parties give me panic attacks, and I'm quiet and a complete loner, and I'm just plain annoying! Literally every time we talk I end up pissing her off. Even in the future where we somehow get together, it's hopeless. I'll definitely end up screwing it all up." I rant.

Deven frowns at me. "Okay, I'm about 90% percent sure your teasing thing is some weird way of flirting that you never even realized. Especially considering I have never seen you act the ways you've described in front of anyone else. Also we need to work on your self esteem. When it comes to relationships, love and trust and enjoying each other's company is what matters, Ki. Maybe in that future you wouldn't want to go to parties with her, but like you said she has friends."

I hate how they are making solid points. And I despise the way it's getting my hopes up.

I don't respond, just letting out a small sigh. They place a hand on my shoulder, a firm grip like my dad used to do when giving me a pep talk before a Little League game. "I'm obviously not going to try and force you to pursue her, but you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Seriously. With the attitude you've got right now, obviously whatever could happen, won't."

Every word they're saying right now reminds me too much of my dad. He'd always tell me to be more confident, and that I'd strike out every time if I didn't have more faith in myself.

I miss him, I realize.

He's not dead. He just doesn't care anymore.

Deven grabs me by both shoulders, pulling me in for a hug when they see the tears nonconsensually brimming in my eyes. I let them hug me, and I hug them too.

"She may not be the one, but you shouldn't give up. Shoot your shot. And if she doesn't feel the same for whatever reason, well I'll let you move in here so you never have to see her face again." They pull back. "And if you think moving on is the best move right now, I totally get it, but I really think you should try. Maybe start with some subtle flirting that doesn't involve any form of teasing."

"I am way too awkward to flirt."

"Try, dammit!"

"She only knows me for being a tease. And it seems like she prefers me that way based on how she acts when I'm not being a dick." Here I am, making more excuses.

Deven cocks an eyebrow again. "Really..? That's a good sign then." They shrug.

"How is that a good sign?" I doubt.

"If teasing really is your way of flirting naturally, she's clearly into it."

"It pisses her off every time. She often storms out of the dorm because of it!" I clarify.

Deven seems confused. "Okay well I suppose there are some mixed signals there, but seriously dude. Stop. Making. Excuses." They clap their hands between each word. I notce that they've gotten their nails done. They're long, painted with a pattern which reminds me of Aurora Borealis.

"When'd you get your nails done?" I ask.

"Don't change the subject!"

"I was just wondering!" We both laugh.

We fall back into watching Brooklyn 99. We get more snacks, still sipping caffeinated sodas.

I think I fall asleep sometime around 2 AM.

When I wake again at 10, I have a blanket over me. My back hurts a bit from sleeping on the couch, but who gives a shit?