4.4. Moments of Life

Y/N had never truly understood life.

What was the point? All life had done was hurt him, stop him from doing what he wanted. Life threw endless challenges with no reward at him, life gave him the shittiest hand possible, life made everything harder than it should be.

And yet, he clung to it with some deep-rooted desperation.

Over the next few weeks, in both the break after the NEL, and the training that followed, Y/N L/N realised moments where he truly understood what living felt like. Where he felt whole.

Moments like...

Heading back to Bluelock's compound in a shameful hobble, his stomach stitched and hip burning. Ego and Anri kept by him.

"Y/N, are you sure you're okay? We can use a wheelchair."

"N-no." He managed. "I don't... I don't want to."

"Really, Y/N, it's not a problem-"

Ego's voice. "He can choose for himself, Anri."

Y/N continued walking slowly. He made it in through the doors. And though he was hurting, he'd never felt more alive knowing Kuroi was gone. Knowing that he wouldn't need to look over his shoulder anymore. One of the chains keeping him down, locking him to his past, had been broken.

Sure, he hadn't heard back about the Ascension Project. But Y/N didn't care. They wouldn't come for him again. And that was all he needed to know.

The moment the doors shut behind him, Y/N sighed. He drew in a breath of cool, filtered air.

To a lot of the Bluelock participants, a facility like this was a prison. Most of them were out now. But to Y/N, it... felt strangely comforting. Bluelock was safe. And it was also the place where Y/N had finally managed to rid himself of his demon.

If he hadn't come to Bluelock, who knew?

But there was no point in the what if. So Y/N turned his eyes forwards, and began to head to his room.

Moments like...

Opening the door to his room to find Barou stripping his bed of sheets, Niko on the other side sorting Y/N's things neatly into drawers. A few more of the Ubers were in the room as well, the coordination from the game carrying right over to make them a perfectly synchronised group of cleaners.

He stopped in the doorway. "What?"

"Hi." Niko muttered, not paying any attention at all. Then he froze, looked across the room at Y/N, and stopped cleaning. "Y/N?!"

"Hey." He gave a small, tired smile back. "What're you all doing?"

Niko hurried over, reaching a cautious hand out. He poked at Y/N's cheek, speaking slowly. "Uh... cleaning?"

"Why?"

"I don't know." He let his finger fall from Y/N's face. "Barou told us to, and he's kind of the captain. In everything."

"Oh."

On cue, Barou's eyes lasered in on Y/N. He grumbled under his breath. Y/N barely caught it. "So much goddamn dust in here... you don't clean your air filters at all."

Y/N blinked. Then, heart warming, he managed his way into the room. "What can I help with?"

Moments like...

Getting swarmed by a whole team's worth of players when he arrived in the cafeteria that night. Some were welcomed, like Chigiri, Bachira, Hiori, Karasu. Others, Y/N wasn't so happy to see. Shidou. Just Shidou.

"You..." Chigiri shook his head. He leant in close, lowering his voice so Y/N only could hear. "I grilled Ego until he told me. You went back?!"

Y/N winced. "Yeah."

"No wonder you didn't talk much." Chigiri muttered. "You okay now?"

For most other people, Y/N would've immediately replied yes. But to Chigiri, he was more than comfortable to think about it, mull over the words before replying. "Maybe." He settled for. "Ask me again in a few months."

"Good enough."

And that acceptance of what Y/N had said was music to his ears. It was okay if Y/N wasn't okay. Y/N leant his forehead against Chigiri's shoulder, smiled against his shirt, and laughed.

Moments like...

Slowly making his way back into training, straining himself more and more as his injuries healed. Prince had left Japan already, but kept messaging Y/N with ever changing workout routines, and kept asking Y/N to give him updates on his healing.

Y/N sighed.

He sat on the edge of the pitch, watching as Reo fed pass after pass to Nagi across the distance. Glancing at his phone, he made a face at Prince's latest message.

The Prince of Your Heart

SEND PICS

Y/N didn't know how Prince had changed his contact name on Y/N's own phone, but he couldn't find a way to change it to a different thing. He typed back a response.

That's not good wording. He replied. But he knew what Prince wanted from him. So he spun himself around, back facing Nagi and Reo, and raised the phone in front of himself to take a selfie. He caught both of the boys in the back, the ball blurred midair, and sent the photo.

"Hey, Y/N!"

Reo's voice rang out suddenly. Y/N dropped his phone with surprise, looking over his shoulder. Both of the boys had stopped, watching him. "Are you okay to run some drills?!"

Y/N hesitated. Then he stood up, yelling back across the pitch. "A few!"

He jogged slowly over. Reo beckoned him over, jogging towards Nagi so the three of them met in the centre of the pitch. When Y/N reached them, he extended a tentative hand. "How're you holding up?" He questioned. "Any aching?"

Y/N shook his head. "Not for now. Give it a few drills." He muttered.

"Okay, okay." Reo nodded. Nagi just sighed, and stumbled towards Y/N. Holding his arms out, he attempted to grab hold of Y/N. "He's tired." Reo explained.

Y/N didn't dodge like he did last time. Simply, he leant back into Nagi, his back against the taller boy's chest. Reo smiled, and turned to try and find a ball. "Are you okay with playing?" The purple-haired boy asked. "Like, mental wise. Scared? Worried?"

"You aren't my therapist." Y/N murmured. But he paused, thinking it over.

And when he spoke, it was wholly truthful. The answer surprised even himself. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Moments like...

Slowly getting to learn Sae Itoshi's habits again over the next few weeks of them living together. The midfielder had mentioned finding Y/N a new place to live, but hadn't brought it up again. Y/N didn't either.

The lights flickered on above Y/N's head. He raised a hand, giving a small wave. He didn't shift from the bed, keeping his eyes stubbornly closed. "Five more minutes."

There was a soft scoff. "You've had fifteen minutes extra already."

"My bad." Y/N said. He didn't move.

"Y/N."

"What's for breakfast?"

"Convenience store bread and coffee."

Y/N cracked open an eye. Sae stood by the foot of his bed, already dressed and ready to leave. "Which store? It better not be that one down the street-"

"Lawson."

"Oh." Y/N immediately swung his legs out of bed. He hurried for the cupboard, searching through his clothes. "When do you want to leave? What's the plan for today?"

"Pablo Cavasoz wants a tour of Tokyo." Sae quietly replied. "He asked me, and I agreed."

"What did you get in return?"

"Who says I got anything in return?"

Y/N raised an eyebrow. "When do you not?"

Sae shook his head. "When it comes to you." Upon Y/N's jaw dropping open and face going pink, he continued like he'd said nothing. "He put in a good word for me at his club. I can go train with them if I'm ever in Argentina."

Trying to stay calm, Y/N finished picking out some clothes. "Right..."

He waited for Sae to head back down to the main floor, before changing.

He wasn't fully used to living with anyone yet. He still got nightmares from time to time, he still forgot the layout of Sae's penthouse sometimes. But... it was much less lonely.

It was nice.

Moments like...

Lying on the floor of his room, staring with silent shock at the messages on his tablet.

Not only was the offer from La Real still there, from what felt like years ago, but a new one had appeared alongside it. Bastard Munchen had bet an equal amount.

Both Noel Noa and Michael Kaiser had returned to Germany when the NEL ended. But they'd both left messages. One of them was slightly colder than the other.

I believe Y/N L/N will be worth this amount of money. He has shown his capabilities many times on the international stage, and he is worthy of being on Bastard Munchen's starting team. Bastard Munchen will provide full education, training, and housing in Germany's city of Munich.

And the other.

Y/N is worth that amount of money, yeah, whatever. This is being sent to him, right? I want you to tell him that the next time we face, I want to play him. I don't care how many times it takes, but I will beat him. He's the most interesting rival king I've ever seen.

"The floor's dirty, you know."

Y/N looked away from his tablet. He strained, reaching to set it on the edge of the table. "It's not that bad." He responded.

Julian Loki stood near him, looking down at Y/N splayed out across the ground in the perfect copy of a starfish. He'd stayed in Japan, choosing not to go back to France with the team for the time being. "Maybe yours isn't. Mine is."

"You room with Charlie." Y/N retorted, rolling his eyes. "Of course it's gonna be dirty."

And - to the young boy's annoyance - Charles Chevalier had been forced to stay with Loki. PXG had said something about forming team bonds, forcing the two to spend as much time as possible together.

Loki winced. "Don't remind me. I don't know how his parents deal with him."

"A lot of pain."

"Yup."

They lapsed into silence. Eventually, Julian crouched, brushing a hand along the floor. He gingerly lowered himself to the floor next to Y/N, stretching out. "It's sort of dirty still. And uncomfortable."

"So what?" Y/N laughed quietly. "Nobody asked you to lie down."

Julian shrugged. "Fair." He didn't move, though.

And between them, there was a comfortable silence.

Moments like...

Walking into Rin's mediation room for a third time, this time with a much happier look on his face and a much lighter step.

"Hi." Y/N began.

Rin didn't move. He didn't even open his eyes, speaking with a tired voice. "What do you want?"

"Um..." Walking closer, trying to stay quiet, Y/N hesitated. "I don't know."

"Then why are you here?" Rin muttered. He sighed. "And don't say some bullshit like 'Timmy told me to'-"

"Timmy told me to."

Rin opened his eyes. He gave Y/N an unimpressed look. Y/N put on the poutiest, most adorable expression he could possibly muster up, and gave him a smile. Shaking his head, Rin lowered his head. "Sit down then."

"I thought you wanted me gone."

"I never said that."

Y/N blinked. "Wow."

"Don't wow me."

"You've changed."

"Don't say another word."

"No way..." Y/N breathed. "You- you like being near me? The annoying little shit?"

"Fuck off." Rin grumbled. "Do you want to stay or not."

"I wanna nap."

Rin's head immediately whipped towards Y/N. "Not again." He made to shuffle away, but Y/N was faster. He tipped to the side, letting his head rest on one of Rin's crossed legs.

He closed his eyes. "Night night."

"Don't even."

"Push me off if you're so annoyed." Y/N quietly said. He exhaled slowly, a small, soft smile curling onto his lips as Rin did absolutely nothing. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Rin went right back to stretching, now only able to do his torso with his legs stuck cross-legged. "Ten minutes. Then I have more leg stretches to do."

"Mkay." Y/N murmured sleepily. He curled up.

And...

Just slept.

And finally, moments like...

Playing his first game after his injuries had healed, a practice one against some of the other Bluelockers. Multiple weeks had passed - months had passed.

He'd been worried. Very worried.

Over the time, Y/N had done a lot. He'd travelled, he'd laughed, and he'd slowly healed. He'd even gone to therapy - a session every two weeks with a woman only a few years older than himself. They'd spoken about this, about his fear.

What if he lost control again? What if he still kept the same artificial ego that he'd been taught about? What if he still played like a sadist, what if he was still scared of the ball, what if he hurt everyone and himself again...?

The ball rolled to his feet.

His team had just kicked off. Bachira cocked his head, wide eyes staring expectantly at Y/N. "Go on."

Y/N waited. The ball stopped just shy of knocking against the tip of his boots. None of his team moved, and on the other team, only one of them charged forwards.

"Hey, Raichi!" Chigiri spoke up. "Give him time!"

"Who the hell needs time, huh?!" Raichi yelled back. "We're in a game!"

He reached Y/N. And that triggered something.

Y/N moved. He perfectly read Raichi's movements, foot shooting out to knock the ball to the side, and then through the gap between the blond boy's feet. He leant forwards. Shoulders low, muscles bunching, legs pushing off against the floor, Y/N L/N accelerated.

It only took a few metres of running for Y/N to leave every single worry behind. He wasn't scared at all.

Nor was he upset. Nor was he angry.

Nothing was holding him back. No doubt. No lacking ability. And now that he knew what he truly wanted, his ego burst out of him in the form of sweet, loud laughter.

In his entire life, Y/N had never felt happier. The U-20 game didn't compare. Just coming to Bluelock didn't compare. Even finally overcoming his demon didn't compare. Y/N L/N, with eyes blazing with ego, adrenaline racing through his veins and lungs burning with fresh air, had never felt better.

Nothing tied him down anymore. No people. No past. No memories. No future doubts. No hate, no resentment, no secrecy. Y/N L/N had nothing to stop him.

And so...

He ran.

He tore through the opposing team with not ferocity, but laughter. His eyes were bright, brighter than anyone had ever seen them. And when Y/N felt like it, he simply passed to one of his teammates.

It didn't matter that said teammate lost the ball right after. Y/N didn't care. He just continued playing his game.

Before, he'd been scared. Scared that he wouldn't ever manage to be free, to be happy. Should he have been scared? Yes, probably. He'd been terrified that his life was too messed up to fix. After all, it sounded like a fairy tale.

Would everything really work out?

Not everything, of course.

But to Y/N, he was happy. He was playing. He was free. So if anyone asked him, the answer to that question was simple.

Yes. It would.