3.33. Unrestrained Freedom (Part 2)

"Your ego."

Y/N sat in a chair on one end of the table. Ego sat on the other.

"Or rather, your egos, plural." Ego stared Y/N down with serious eyes.

"Plural." Y/N dumbfoundedly said. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Ego pulled a remote from his pocket, and angled it at a screen sitting against the wall. He pressed the on button, and on the screen, Y/N saw... himself. Playing against Bluelock, alongside the U-20 team. He was breathing heavily, sweat beading on his forehead, playing good enough to score four goals himself.

Y/N flinched. "Oh."

"This is you before overcoming Kuroi." Ego quietly said. The screen flicked to more games. Y/N against the World Five, Y/N in the second selection. And before that, Y/N against Team V. And more recently, him playing for Barcha against PXG, and for Ubers against Manshine.

In all the pictures, Y/N had similar looks in his eyes. In some, he looked scared. In others, he looked worried, on edge. In a few, he looked like a cornered animal. But in all the photos that Ego showed him, he never looked happy. There was always something wrong, something off with him.

"I know you returned to Ascension." Ego quietly said. Y/N's blood ran cold. He tensed, wide eyes looking across at the man. "But I'm not here to talk about that, not really. I'm here to give you advice."

Y/N gulped. "Is..." He cleared his throat. "Am I doing something wrong?"

"No, Y/N. Just listen." Ego flicked onto a new set of images. "These are photos from the U-20 game, directly after you made the decision to shoot at Kuroi."

More photos. Y/N looked much happier in each of them. It might not have been obvious, but he was. There was a shine in his eyes, a brightness in his smile and confidence in his posture. It was a complete flip compared to the previous group of images.

"I raised a theory with Anri, about an 'artificial' ego." The man muttered. Y/N had to strain to hear him. "The general concept of it is as follows: while here at Bluelock we aim to grow and release someone's dormant ego, in Ascension, Kuroi aimed to forcibly create an ego."

Y/N listened. Ego spoke.

"The ego Kuroi manifests inside a person takes form in a simple way. Mutual suffering. What does that mean? Take Barou, whose ego revolves around kingship and rules. Take Rin, whose ego consists of destruction, or Bachira, whose ego is focused on creativity. And then yours. Suffering."

More pictures came onto the board. Isagi, surrounded by puzzle pieces. Kaiser's thorns. Barou's lion. Bachira's monster, Charles' demon, Chigiri's panthers, Sae's binary, Lorenzo's mouths... and then Y/N himself. Shrouded in a red cloud, blood dripping from his mouth, eyes, ears, nose...

"These pictures were drawn by a sort of... spiritualist. Someone who tries to understand the spirit of a person, and represent it in real life." Ego explained. "And while yours is peculiar, it serves to help me with my theory. Kuroi's ego is suffering. By forcing everyone to fear the pain that comes with losing, he unlocks their abilities through that fear. And so, Y/N, the ego you often show is one of sadism."

Y/N gulped. The words Ego was saying were unnerving enough. But paired with the drawing of him, leaking crimson from every orifice, it made him want to be sick.

"You play well using this ego, extraordinarily well. But it doesn't give you satisfaction. It doesn't give you happiness, and takes a huge toll on your mental wellbeing." Ego leant forwards.

"To put it simply. Kuroi's ego makes you so scared of losing, the only option is to win."

The pictures returned to the second set - those of Y/N looking happier. "But that isn't your actual ego. Kuroi never bothered to unlock your innate potential, he simply forced his own ideals upon you. These photos show you, bringing out your own ego."

Y/N stared at the images. "So what?" He quietly said. "You're saying that I'm a sadist who likes to suffer. Okay."

"I'm saying Kuroi turned you into one." Ego Jinpachi zoomed in on the images. "This is your actual ego. That moment, you had a clear objective - to shoot at Kuroi. And that allowed you to reveal your true ego."

"Which is?" Y/N didn't buy into it.

"You love feeling free, Y/N. You love doing what you want, you love playing for yourself only. Your ego is one of unrestrained freedom. You don't like hurting people - you like being able to think of something, and work towards having it by yourself."

Y/N's throat was dry. He stared at Ego. He's just making up stuff, right?

"You don't even need to have anything physically. Just the idea that you're free to work for it, free to try, makes you happy. Your self-worth, your confidence, your ego, comes from listening to yourself, not other people."

Right?

"The ego consists of three parts, Y/N. A dream, a belief, and the ability. Your dream is to be completely, utterly free. Free of expectations, free of restraints, free of people telling you what you can and can't do. The ability isn't there yet, but with such a powerful dream, your improvement would be explosive. And your belief... well, right now, you don't believe that you can be free. You don't even believe what I'm telling you."

Y/N nodded. "I don't."

"Then give it a thought, Y/N." Ego leant back. "Unlocking your ego will do more than just help you progress, Y/N. It'll steady your mental state, help you truly enjoy playing this sport again. Your dream. To be free."

A last photo came up on the screen. Y/N's eyes were drawn to it like a drowning man to dry land.

Him, again. Drawn by the same person that had drawn Isagi, drawn Barou, drawn Kaiser. Only this time, he wasn't dripping blood. His mouth wasn't open in a silent scream. He wasn't suffering. This time, the drawing showed wings. Bright, white, huge wings, connected to his shoulder blades.

Y/N wasn't just smiling - he had literal stars in his eyes, mid-laugh as he swung his leg towards a soccer ball. White and gold feathers swirled around him. Despite broken black chains cuffing his ankles and wrists, despite traces of blood drying under his nose and lips, he looked happier than Y/N had ever seen himself.

The picture was both terrifying, and exciting.

Eyes widening, Y/N stared at the image. "What's the spiritualist called?"

"I don't know." Ego shrugged. "I never got her name."

"You're kidding."

"Do you like the picture?" Ego produced two pieces of browned paper from his pocket, pushing them both across the table. Y/N blinked. In front of him were both of the drawings. "You can keep the originals, if you want."

Y/N hesitated. Then he reached out one hand, ghosting over the bloody one to pull the second picture towards him. Unsure eyes stared down. Starry eyes stared back.

Ego nodded, and Y/N could've sworn he saw the barest of smiles. "Very good, Y/N."

Y/N tucked the picture away carefully into his pocket. He met Ego's eyes with his own. Then lowered his head. "T-thank you." Voice whispery and light, Y/N spoke with a small voice. "I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking for." Ego's voice sounded almost proud? That couldn't be right. I'm imagining it... "Are you ready to talk about the second thing now?"

Y/N blinked. He'd fallen into a sort of daze without realising it. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Kuroi?"

"Kuroi." Ego confirmed.

"I don't know why you returned to Ascension. And I don't know what Kuroi has done with you. But I did some digging, and this is what I've got. Information, you could call it."

Y/N's lips parted, surprised. He nodded. "Okay."

Ego hummed.

The screen changed, turning to a picture of a young, black-haired boy.

"Kuroi Jigoku, born as Ryu Nishida. Age 32."

Y/N blinked. I knew that name was bullshit. Who calls their child that?

Ego continued. "IQ of 162. Completed elementary, junior high school, and high school with straight S grades. Praised by teachers to be one of the smartest students in all of Hokkaido Prefecture. Raised by parents until age 9, then held in an institute in Sapporo until age 11. After, he transferred to Tokyo, where he was raised until adulthood."

Y/N frowned. "What happened to him?"

"A tragic accident." Ego spoke. "It was on the news. A fire broke out in the apartment where he and his parents lived. Both of them were amongst the casualties, and died in the hospital hours later. Kuroi - or Ryu - grew up without parents, in some of the worst conditions a child could find themselves in."

"Ran the Ascension Project, in a similar way to this. Full government backing, full funding, everything. Only the government didn't understand the extent that Kuroi was going to. Only managed to shut it down 2 years and 23 days later. Kuroi was safe, because higher ranking officials had approved him many times over. By condemning him, they would do the same to themselves, and so hid his involvement."

Y/N shook his head with disbelief. Ego's continued to list off facts like he'd memorised them, the screen changing to show corresponding pictures.

"Kuroi then went into a little bit of a grey zone for a few years. Records of him leaving the country quite often. Plane tickets, boats, everything. And that's pretty much all I've got." Ego muttered. "To the government, and on all official records, he returned to Sapporo a year ago, and has been living there to this day."

"So someone rigged the records." Y/N muttered.

"Yes." Ego waved a hand. "But the point I'm trying to make is that Kuroi is a... troubled man. Geniuses often are, and Kuroi has had it harder than anyone else."

An unpleasant heat stirred in Y/N's stomach. Is he... trying to defend Kuroi?

"Y/N. I believe that Kuroi's projects, the things he does, are done in order to help people."

Y/N blinked. "The fuck?"

"Listen." Ego commanded. "Here is my logic. Kuroi, as a child, was already unstable, dealing with mental health problems. Losing his parents only made it worse. Having to live inside of an orphanage, growing up with nothing and nobody, made it horrible."

Y/N shook his head with disbelief. I know Ego has never... gone to Ascension. Or seen what happens there. But... still, is he insane? Kuroi can't be forgiven. No amount of shitty backstory excuses him. Y/N said so, and Ego sighed.

"Kuroi couldn't have anything. From the start, he never had a chance at achieving anything, he never had a choice. Kuroi never got the opportunity to have what he wanted." Ego replied. Each word just made Y/N more frustrated. "He couldn't have his own dream, so maybe, he is trying to help other people achieve their dream."

Y/N frowned. "What?"

"A lot of people, especially children, want to win the World Cup." Ego stated. "Or maybe they want fame, money, power, influence... all of which also comes with winning it."

"You're crazy."

Ego pretended like he hadn't heard.

"My theory is that Kuroi is trying to fulfil other people's dreams. In the most twisted way. He's not a bad person, just a misguided one."

"Fulfilling dreams... by torturing and disfiguring people." Y/N blankly replied.

"Like I said, misguided." Ego muttered. "But I believe he genuinely believes he is doing the right thing. He genuinely believes he is helping people. With a little bit of help, I believe Kuroi will show himself as one of the kindest, most selfless people I know."

Y/N swallowed down bile and rage. "I-I'm sorry." Trying to hold back anger, he spoke quietly, measured. "I don't think the same as you, Ego."

"Okay." Ego nodded. "I just wanted to give you my take on Kuroi, and that basic information. None of it is important, though. The most important thing is your ego."

Y/N nodded. All interest in the conversation had disappeared, replaced by hot anger. Kuroi? Kind? Selfless...?! Plunging his hand into his pocket, he grasped the drawing of himself, trying to calm himself.

"Can I go now?"

Ego nodded silently.

Y/N rose from his chair. He gently took the drawing out, holding it in front of him with both thumbs and forefingers pinched together. He turned, using his body to push the door open, and left the room.

The picture looked like everything Y/N had ever dreamt of.

Yet, it was impossible, right? He couldn't be free. There wasn't any point in trying, was there...?

But the longer he looked at the drawing, the more he wanted to try.