3.23. The Darker Path

Walking through the shrine's entrance felt wrong.

Y/N didn't know why. Chichibu Shrine was open to all, nestled in a small town to the northwest of Tokyo. Countless people walked under the traditional torii gate, passing under the red-painted wood. And yet, he hesitated in front of it.

The shrine was directly in the centre of the town, but as Y/N looked inside, it was like looking into a different world. The entire area was cordoned off from the town by a large fence, as well as a thick growth of trees acting as a natural wall. And inside, the concrete pavement transitioned into an older, stone-tiled path.

"Excuse me, young sir?"

Y/N turned, surprised. An older man stood behind him, dressed in dark green, loose clothes. They were traditional - like something people would wear at a festival, not everyday life. "S-sorry, I'll move..." He moved to the side, out of the path of the man, but the man just shook his head. He stood next to Y/N, looking up at the gate.

"This shrine is one of the oldest in Japan." He murmured. "And for many, it's one of the most important."

"Uh."

"Do you know who is said to be enshrined here?"

"No, sir."

"Ame no Yagokoro Omoikane." The man replied. The name sent a shiver down Y/N's spine. "The kami of wisdom and intelligence."

"That's... nice, sir." Y/N tried to respectfully say.

"People come here to pray to any of the kami. But praying to Omoikane is said to be much, much more effective here." The man nodded to himself, eyes on the gate. "It is said Omoikane protects this entire area. This is, in a way, their holy ground."

"Right..."

"You don't believe in this, do you."

Y/N cringed. "Would you be angry if I said yes?"

"No, not one bit. Everyone is free to believe what they want." The man hummed. "This place was made by one of Omoikane's human ancestors. He ordered this place built, in the hopes that Omoikane would bless this place. And guess what?"

"He did."

"He did." The man agreed, laughing kindly. "So, recently there's been a lot of young people here. As a young person, there's so many choices, so many different routes in life you can take. And it's difficult choosing between them, isn't it? So people come here to pray for guidance. To pray for wisdom, to help them make the right choice."

He looked at Y/N. Eyes deeper than an ocean, a dark, layered blue, met Y/N's own. "I advise you, young man. Before making any rash decisions, pray to the kami. If you are a sincere enough soul, they may take pity on you."

"Pity...?" Y/N echoed.

"Pity, my boy." The man smiled. "Even for a kami, the path you've walked so far is one of the darkest to exist. They would not want you to make it darker."

"W-what?" Y/N blinked. "You... what? Darker?"

"Darker." The man nodded, expression turning more serious. "Can I tell you something? A little tidbit from an old man, if you will."

Y/N nodded, throat tight.

"People think they need so much to make them happy. Whether it's love, acceptance, or money, status, and power, they think all those things will help." Eyes unblinking, the man stared at Y/N. "To achieve true happiness, to truly enjoy life... focus on yourself. You don't need anyone else to make you happy."

With that, the man reached out. Y/N flinched. The man's hand paused, waiting for Y/N to steady himself, before he patted his shoulder. "Head through the gate when you're ready." The elderly man tucked both hands behind his back, and headed down the path. Y/N watched as he made it down to the buildings, turning out of sight.

What...?

He raised his eyes to the top of the gate. Was he ready? What did being 'ready' even entail? Y/N stood there for a few seconds, uncertainly looking up at the gate.

Then he stepped through the gate, and into the shrine.

The effect was immediate. As he walked down the path towards the main buildings, the noise of the outside world faded. The trees acted as both a barrier for sound and vision, completely cutting off the noise of cars, of people, of construction work. Y/N exhaled, hearing the soft whisper of his breath loud in his ears.

Then he progressed along the road, towards the cluster of traditional buildings in the centre of the shrine. His heart beat faster and faster with anticipation.

Just before he reached the cluster of buildings, Y/N's eyes landed on a sign on the side of the road.

Kami are everywhere, in everything. People... buildings... in nature... in human concepts... Shrines like this one are built to honour them. Some kami are unsympathetic to humanity, and need to be appeased. Others are truly caring for humans, and are thanked by these shrines.

This shrine was built by the provincial administrator of Chichibu , to honour his ancestral kami, Omoikane. In nearly all sources, Omoikane is believed to be elderly, with their clothes represented in dark blue or green colours. And, Omoikane is one of the kami more sympathetic to humans, with their blessings being powerful and very useful. All a human needs to do is pray.

Continuing on, Y/N emerged into the courtyard, climbing a small white stone staircase and passing under yet another gate. Or maybe it was an avenue? On both sides of the open space, traditional buildings stood. Some of them were to honour lesser known kami, some of them were closed off, and a few were selling traditional charms and talismans.

At the far end of the courtyard, the stone path continued. It led up another small set of steps, under another gate, and towards another, larger building. Y/N took that all in in a flash.

Despite the ground being entirely covered in flat-ish stone, Y/N nearly tripped right there and then. His eyes locked onto the centre of the courtyard, ignoring the beautiful architecture.

Directly in the centre, stood his parents.

Could he even call them his parents? He'd spent more of his life away from than with them. He didn't have many, if any positive memories of them. And he wasn't legally tied to them in any way. To the world, they didn't have a son.

They both immediately noticed him. Y/N pressed a hand to his chest, tried to calm his heart, and started towards them.

On the left, there was Eiji. An older man, his tanned face wrinkled from years of hard work and stress. His hair was beginning to turn white with age, but his posture was still impeccable as ever. He wore a simple, loose beige shirt, and brown trousers with a similar coloured belt. Y/N held back a wince upon seeing the belt.

On the right, Yume. Similar to Eiji, her face was creased with small wrinkles. Her hair was very white, a shock of silvery-grey that was tied back in a traditional bob. She wore a dark brown blouse, and loose black slacks.

As Y/N approached them, their faces didn't light up with joy like other parents' would have. They stood there, side by side, eyes intently tracking Y/N as he got closer.

He hated the feeling.

Eventually, he stopped, a good few metres away from them. He tilted his head to one side, dark eyes meeting first Eiji, then Yume's. Y/N had no idea what to do. So he just stood there, hands loosely hanging at his side, shoulders straight.

"Hello."

The single word sent a jolt down Y/N's spine. He'd sort of heard his parents talk, after they confronted his team following the U-20 game. But this was the first time in eleven years that they'd spoken directly to him.

Y/N swallowed, hard. "Hello."

"You... actually came." The words were spoken with a sort of flat incredulity by Yume. "I wasn't expecting this."

Trying to act unbothered, Y/N shrugged. "I know." There was a short silence. He sighed. "Why did you call me here?"

"Just..." Yume trailed off awkwardly. She beckoned him closer with one hand. Y/N didn't move. "A few things. We can discuss them while we walk."

"We can discuss them right here, right now." Y/N muttered.

Yume pursed her lips seriously. She nodded reluctantly. "But I also would like it if you stayed for a little longer after we talked."

"So would I." Eiji added. His voice was just as serious, but with a hint of pleading. He stared across at Y/N. "Please?"

"I don't owe you anything." Y/N replied.

"Of course." Eiji mumbled. "Of course you don't. We're not forcing anything on you, we're just trying to ask a favour."

Y/N hesitated. Every inch of him wanted to run. After all, these were his parents. The people that had abandoned him, sent him away with nothing but money. He hadn't done anything to them, and for some reason, they'd hated him.

But there was that little voice, that part of him that really, really fucking wanted parents.

That little voice that made excuse after excuse, that pleaded with Y/N to not go. What do you have to lose anyway, huh? It doesn't matter if they hurt you again. You've already been hurt too much to care. Y/N opened his mouth. "Okay. I'll stay. Now talk."

Both of their faces lightened just slightly. They glanced at each other, before Yume continued talking. "Three things. The first, is that... we wanted to show you this shrine."

Bullshit. Y/N immediately thought. He didn't say anything, hands fidgeting with each other.

"Second, is that... we're sorry."

The two final words hit Y/N like a truck. His entire body froze, his hands stopped moving, and the next breath got stuck halfway down his throat. Yume and Eiji looked expectant, staring at him as they tried to gauge his reaction.

Finally, Y/N shook his head. "I... don't want your apologies." He breathed quietly. "It's too late for that."

Eiji nodded slowly. "I understand you... don't trust us. That's fair."

"Of course it is." Y/N interrupted.

"But we want to regain that." Eiji murmured. "If you need help with anything, anything at all, we would like to support you. And if you... if you..." He stopped talking. Yume took over.

"If you want to become our son again, we'd be happy to have you."

A second metaphorical truck hit Y/N. The boy's eyes closed for a second, and he took several slow breaths. When he reopened them, no emotion showed. "Like I said." His voice was cold and heavy. "You're years too late."

And still, the slightest saddening of their features, Y/N noticed. Guilt swirled in his stomach. He forced himself to speak, prompting them onwards. "The third?"

"We know what's been happening."

"What?"

"We know that your performance in games has been declining. We know that you don't find soccer fun. I believe you said it yourself - soccer is how you feel free, right?"

Y/N's blood turned to ice. He slowly, cautiously replied. "Yeah...?"

"Do you feel free now?" Yume's expression could've been concerned. "You don't look good, Y/N. I may be, as you said, too late, but I am still your mother. I can tell."

"I..." Lost for words, he stuttered. Y/N lowered his head, staring at the ground. "Y-yeah..."

"What do you want?"

It was a question that had broken Y/N, time and time again. He didn't know. He just didn't.

"I don't know." Y/N admitted. His shoulders slumped, and he shook his head, swallowing back the half-sob that built in his throat. "I really don't know."

Yume sighed gently. "Let's try to figure this out, then. Do you like soccer?"

"I thought I did." Y/N choked out. "But I don't know. I haven't recently."

"Why not?"

"I haven't been winning. Everyone is better than me."

"But you have won games."

"But that's my team winning." Y/N quietly replied. "My team win. But when I'm playing, I can't win at what I want to do. I can't win the way I want."

Yume gave it a few seconds. "If you could win, would that make you happier?"

"I... I think so." Y/N shook his head. "I don't know. I just get so... frustrated when I lose anything. I don't wanna keep losing. I don't want Ascension to be a waste. I love soccer, I love scoring goals, I love the feeling of... being more free than anyone else to do what I want. I love being better than other people, at least at one thing..."

He laughed, not a hint of actual humour in it. "Is that selfish of me?"

"No." Yume replied. "Not at all. Do you want to continue playing soccer?"

"...Not if I can't win."

"If you could, though?"

"Yeah." Afraid to hope, Y/N nodded. "Yeah, I really would like to keep playing."

"We can help you." Yume replied. "We can help you win."

"How...?"

"Training, Y/N." Eiji took over. "If you became the best player in the world, you would win everything. You wouldn't have to feel what it's like to lose again. Is that what you want?"

Y/N took a breath. "Yeah. But... you don't play soccer."

"I don't." Eiji conceded. "But we can send you to Kuroi to train."

Maybe before, that name would've scared him. But Y/N, damaged as he was, felt only a slight bit of panic, and a slight bit of anger. He was beyond caring about anything - more desperate than he'd ever been to just... win.

"Kuroi?" Y/N quietly replied. "Last time, it took him two years to get me here. I have two weeks."

"If you want to improve, he's the best option."

Y/N considered it. He didn't feel anything. If someone looked at the small boy, he looked like a walking corpse. Empty eyes, a purposeless stance, and a soulless voice. If he wanted to improve... if he wanted to win... if he wanted to be happy... Kuroi was the best option.

"You want me to go to Ascension?"

"We don't want you to do anything." Both of them responded at the same time. "It's your own choice."

My own choice...

Do I go there? I swore I'd never return.

But...

But...

I really, really want to feel happy again. Like when I was winning. When I was with the Bluelock guys.

Y/N nodded. Unsteadily at first, but he nodded more, convincing himself.

"I'll go." He blinked, and met his parents' eyes. Gave them the slightest of smiles, grateful for the chance they'd given him at happiness. They'd given him a way to enjoy life again, by winning. Yume and Eiji smiled back. Y/N's hands were shaking, but he didn't notice. Nor did he notice the sharklike look in Yume's eyes.

"Take me to Ascension."