Chapter 16 - The Peacock

I was much calmer as I walked through the hanger, away from Mia and towards Keleon's room.

Talking to Mia had helped me to understand Keleon better. It helped that I'd had some time to recover from the initial shock of my earlier discovery. Keleon wasn't who I thought he was, but I had concluded that that wasn't a good reason to discontinue what we had.

What he'd looked like in the beginning had had an influence on me, of course, but was that what mattered in a partner? If I were to list the qualities I'd want in my boyfriend, they would include honesty, kindness and reliability. Someone who would do their best to be a team with me. I had someone like that, and I needed to appreciate that, rather than which planet they happened to be born on, or whether they looked a certain way all the time. I needed to stop being so shallow and start making this right.

I knocked softly on Keleon's door, and when there was no answer, I knocked a little louder.

"Keleon?" I called, but there was no response.

I opened the door enough to put my head round, and then wider when I couldn't see him. He wasn't there. Disappointed, I closed it behind me and walked down the small corridor back to my room. Helen walked around the corner as I approached my door.

"Damon," she said cheerily. "Keleon gave me the disrupter module, and I was just coming to catch up with you about it."

"Um, can it wait a little bit?" I asked. "I actually need to find Keleon. Do you know where he is?"

"Sure, it can wait, no problem," Helen smiled. "I saw him go outside." She pointed to the northwest hanger door.

"Thanks, Helen," I said, kissing her on the cheek. "I'll catch up with you later!"

I jogged towards the door and made my way down the little path that Keleon and I had followed before, leading north of the hanger. The air was just as crisp as it had been the last time I'd come down here, and I slowed down and picked a couple of the orange fruits that were hanging from the bushes and snacked on them while I made my way down the worn path.

I arrived near the water and gently parted the vegetation so I could look around. The scene looked somewhat familiar, the two moons glowing a pretty pink in the early evening sun. I turned my gaze to the mossy bank where Keleon and I had been together before. The person meditating on the mossy bank was wearing a shimmering aqua-blue outfit, 'her' long green hair spilling down the sides of it. 'Her' eyes were closed, but I knew they'd be deep blue if they opened.

My heart sank and my stomach twisted. Not because of what Keleon looked like, but because of what it implied. There were limited reasons why he would shift into a Kikorangi girl, and none of them looked good for me.

"If he ever decides he's no longer interested in you, you'll know,

because I suspect he won't look like your fantasy anymore."

Shit, I hoped I hadn't messed this up beyond repair. I knew now that it took effort to shift, and apparently Keleon had reason to make that effort. I hadn't even made contact and it felt like I'd been rejected already.

I walked so that I was close by, but quietly so that I didn't disturb 'her.'

"Damon."

'She' opened her deep blue eyes. I supposed Vacillators must have good hearing.

"Sorry, you're meditating. Am I interrupting?"

"No, I can take a break if you need something."

Keleon's posture changed as 'her' focus shifted to me.

"I've had some time to think," I ventured.

"Yeah. Me too," 'she' replied a little stiffly.

"I can see that," I responded gently, indicating I'd noticed Keleon's change of appearance. "Mind if I sit with you?"

"Go ahead."

I sat opposite the Kikorangi girl, trying to read 'her' emotions from her expression. I wasn't well versed in Kikorangi facial expressions, but 'she' definitely wasn't smiling.

"Any idea why you've shifted?" I asked.

I reached forward to touch 'her' face as I asked the question. I wasn't sure why. Maybe I wanted to feel a physical connection. Maybe I wanted to comfort 'her.' Maybe I wanted to demonstrate that any hurt or anger I'd had earlier, had now dissipated.

Regardless of my intentions, Keleon flinched backwards slightly, away from my incoming hand, and my stomach twisted tighter. No touching, then. I pulled my hand back in and put it in my lap with the other one.

"No," 'she' replied. "I'm not choosing it. My best guess is that it will make it easier for you to terminate our agreement."

I knew Keleon could pick up on my subconscious, although not on a level 'she' could consciously recognise. So that couldn't be the reason Keleon had shifted, because part of 'her' must know I wasn't here to break up. There had to be another reason.

"Or maybe you're pushing me away," I suggested. "Humans sometimes do that if they get hurt. To stop themselves getting more hurt."

"But I'm not human," 'she' reasoned.

"Maybe you're more human than we thought," I said, offering a small smile. I shuffled a little bit closer. "Look, I don't want to 'terminate' anything, OK? That's not why I'm here."

"You didn't exactly look happy when I last saw you," Keleon pointed out. "I know it was because of what I am. You liked me before you realised I was a shapeshifter. I can see now that what I look like may be important to you. And I have no control over it."

"And you think I won't like you if you don't look like the human male?" I guessed. "And because you can't control what you look like, you're pushing me away so that it doesn't hurt as much if your body decides to shift and I don't like it."

"It's difficult to interpret your actions any other way," Keleon pointed out. "You didn't react well to finding out I could change my appearance."

"And you think I might not react well if it happens again?" I asked, and 'she' nodded.

"When you've been angry and I don't know why, or what to do, I can't describe how awful that feels," Keleon explained.

"You're right. I didn't react well, did I?" I acknowledged. I moved to take 'her' hand in mine, and then remembered that 'she' may not want physical contact right now and pulled back. "I'm so sorry for that. I didn't even know what I was reacting to, so it's no wonder you were confused. But I've had some time to think. Now I know I wasn't upset because of what you are. I was upset because I didn't understand what you are. And I also know that getting upset wasn't the right way of dealing with the confusion I had."

Keleon didn't look convinced.

"I'm an emotional person, even by human standards," I continued. "I have a hot temper that flares up quite easily and can get upset at things I don't understand. But it doesn't normally last too long, and if I've done something wrong, I'll always try to make it right. It works the other way too; little things can make me happy. You've made me happy.

"I know my emotions might make me seem hot and cold sometimes. When I first found out you could shift, I wasn't feeling disgust, it was shock; I just wasn't expecting anything like that because I was so convinced you were human. It wasn't fair for me to get upset with you, and I hope you'll accept my apology for that."

Keleon paused for a minute, presumably processing what I'd said, and then nodded awkwardly. I hoped that meant my apology was accepted, and 'she' just wasn't sure what to do next.

I decided to go with that assumption.

"Thank you," I smiled, but I knew there was still more that needed to be resolved. "I guess we probably need to decide what we're doing about our relationship now," I ventured. "I'd still like you to be my special person, if you'll have me. Only this time we would both know more about what we're getting into."

Silence followed. I wasn't sure what that meant, so I decided to keep talking.

"I know it might be hard for you to accept my variable emotions. I guess you need to decide for yourself whether the highs are worth the lows. For my part, I'll work on taming my temper, because I never wanted to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt you again."

I waited for some kind of response, caught somewhere between hope and heartbreak. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like minutes.

"So ... what I look like isn't important?" Keleon broke the silence. "Or, whether I'm human or not?"

I reached out slowly to take 'her' hand again, and when 'she' didn't flinch, I took it gently.

"OK, so, this is how I see it. Some days you'll look male, some days you'll look female. There will be some days you won't even look human. I've accepted that, and I'm OK with it. I'm ready to look past the physical aspects and see the person inside. Because that person has taught me about the stars and taught me how to fly through them. That person has taught me that friendships and bonds can blossom despite huge differences in culture and even biology. That person has taught me about the importance of listening and communicating on levels I'd never imagined before. That person made me take a good hard look at myself and made me realise what really matters to me.

"In the beginning, I thought I was teaching you about relationships, and in the end, it's you that has taught me. Your appearance may have been what initially attracted me to you, but I promise you Keleon, that's not what's keeping me here now."

As I looked into the deep blue eyes that were mirroring my gaze, I realised the truth in my own words. What I was seeing in front of me wasn't a Kikorangi girl. It was Keleon. With blue skin and long green hair, yes, but it was still Keleon. Someone I felt a connection to, running deeper than what 'she' looked like.

I didn't realise I was so close to 'her' face until my mouth was about an inch from 'hers.' But 'she' hadn't flinched back this time or moved away. I never thought I would voluntarily kiss a girl, or a blue alien, but apparently, I was about to kiss someone that appeared to be both because I wanted to. Because my feelings for this person, irrespective of their gender or species, were too deep for it to matter anymore.

I looked down at Keleon's lips and they parted slightly; an invitation for me to continue. When we connected, it was as light as a feather, our lips barely touching at all. I moved my mouth slightly so that I could feel more of the delicate link between us. Still, Keleon didn't move, so I ran my tongue gently over 'her' lower lip and caught the familiar taste of cherries. I heard a noise that sounded like a whimper, which spurred me to press a little harder and let my tongue explore a little further. This time Keleon kissed me back. I felt 'her' tongue reaching for mine; a welcome sign that 'she' was connecting with me.

My hand slipped out of Keleon's hand, and round to the back of 'her' head, with the intention of deepening the kiss. I was expecting to feel long hair, but instead I felt short hair.

I automatically moved away to ascertain what had happened, and I found myself looking into the crystal ocean-blue eyes of the human male that had pulled me out of the facility on Selenia.

"You're back," I whispered, confused. "Why have you shifted back? I told you it didn't matter anymore."

Before he had a chance to respond, my heart tripped over itself with comprehension, and I grinned involuntarily.

"You're being a peacock," I said, pushing his hair back out of his eyes, knowing it would flop back down as soon as I pushed back far enough. "Fanning your tail." I pecked him on the lips.

I understood now. He'd shifted to a Kikorangi girl, a form that he felt I would reject, because on some subconscious level he needed to see how much appearance mattered to me. He needed to know that his shapeshifting was OK before he could flirt with me again. Now that he was convinced that I liked him regardless, he felt comfortable enough to fan his tail.

And I loved it. Not because he looked hot (although that certainly didn't hurt), but because of the message it was sending me; I knew now that it was his way of trying to attract me. To let me know he wanted me too.

"You know you still don't make sense to me sometimes," Keleon interrupted my thoughts. "What's a peacock?"

"It doesn't matter," I grinned. "Take it as a compliment. I like peacocks."