Chapter 39

Chapter 39

Emily

Everything is not going to be okay. I know that I'm going to panic when I see him and do something stupid that will make the situation even worse.

Besides, I don't even know what to say because I have no idea where we stand. Because he just spent the past four days with his girlfriend in Jordan. Because he hasn't called or even texted.

And I know that I haven't reached out to him either, but still - how am I supposed to contact him when I don't even know if he's still mad at me or not. That, and the fact that I still haven't even made up my mind on whether I'm pissed at him or not.

I mean, on the one hand, I literally can't believe that he just took off to see his girlfriend without even an explanation. Did he even think about what it would do to me, knowing that he's back with her? Did he even think about how it would drive me crazy as I replay every moment we had together in my mind, trying to figure out if any of it meant anything for him?

No, of course not. Because he never thinks!

But on the other hand, there's this hole in my chest sucking the air out of my lungs and I haven't been able to breathe properly since he's been gone. I miss him, goddamn it. I miss his voice. I miss his smell. I miss his laugh. I even miss his stupid jokes that make me want to die.

And I hate feeling this way. I hate that I can't stop thinking about him. I hate that he's the first person I wanted to call when I received the news about getting a fund earlier today. I hate that I was hoping it was him, every single time my phone vibrated. Mostly, I hate that he's coming back today and I have no idea if I even should be here, at the 'Logan-appreciation' party that the team at the office decided to throw for him.

Yes, you heard that right. Logan-appreciation-party. Apparently, everyone at the office has been miserable for the past week without him and the soccer team missed him a lot too so Josh came up with this extremely dumb idea. Jade was of course elated to hear the news. She has been preparing all morning for his arrival.

She decorated the entire backyard and bought too much food for everyone. Everyone is already here: his students, Josh, Mel, Steph, Adam, and Jade. I tried to make up some bullshit excuses to not be here, but Adam didn't buy any of them.

So here I am, hiding in the kitchen, a sense of panic growing as I realize that he's going to be here any moment now.

"Hey, Em, do we have any white wine? I don't think that one bottle of red wine is going to be enough for everyone," Adam interrupts my thoughts.

I sigh, pointing at the third drawer. "There's probably one in there."

"Awesome. Jade also got a bunch of eight-packs of beer for the football team."

"Cool."

He frowns. "What is up with you? You've been weird all day!"

Oh, you know, I'm just on the verge of having a panic attack over seeing this idiot who keeps messing me up. "Nothing. Period cramps."

He rolls his eyes. "Your period is usually on the tenth of every month. Cut the crap, what's up? Didn't you get that fund that you've been working for a while now? I expected you to be happier."

"It's nothing, Adam, just leave-" But then my words are stuck as soon as I see him.

He steps out of the taxi cab wearing his gray sweatpants and a white polo t-shirt. He takes out a small carry-on bag from the trunk of the car before paying the driver.

"Oh shoot, he's here!" Adam shouts. "Everyone, get ready for your position!" He turns off the light and rushes to the living room where they will be shouting 'surprise' as soon as he walks in.

I should probably follow behind him, but my chest is heavy and I can't take my eyes off of him as he walks towards the door. My throat is tight and my heart squeezes tightly in my chest. He looks at the driveway and notices that there are no cars parked (Jade forced us to park them in the garage that we never use because closing and opening it is such a hassle). He then sighs and takes out his keys.

The moment he enters through the door and turns the lights on, everyone jumps and screams "Surprise". He actually lets out a scream which makes me smile, despite wanting to disappear at this very moment.

The shock is clearly written on his face as he scans the room and they all start hugging him. It's especially cute to see his team so happy to see him. But as he hugs his students, his eyes linger across the room to finally meet mine.

My breath catches in my chest as he stares into my soul. In this moment, a gazillion moments flash before my eyes. I remember us, laying under a sky of gazillion stars, driving his motorcycle at speed limit, making out in my condo, getting drunk more often than we probably should - I remember us, and god dammit, how can something that doesn't even exist feel so real - so right?

He gives me a small nod, and I return back a smile before turning to bring the wine. I'm going to need so much wine tonight, that is one thing I know for sure.

After greeting everyone (except me), we move to the backyard since it's more spacious and Jade decided so. Logan and the team talk about the European Champions League while Jade mingles with Steph and Melanie. Adam and Josh are whispering in a corner. I'm in the corner, hoping this evening will end already.

The guilt resurfaces as I watch Logan be the life of the party. Guilt, about the way I treated him. Guilt, about being way too depressed to have the ability to regulate the intense waves of emotions that drown me. Guilt about being me. About -

"Emily." Jade's hand on my shoulders shakes me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

She hands me a wine glass. "Oh, no, thanks. I'm still not done with mine," I let out an awkward laugh.

She shrugs before standing next to me. We're both looking at the terrific view of the small towns under us. One of the perks of living in the middle of nowhere on top of one of the highest peaks is the view that comes with it, especially on July nights where the sky is clear of clouds.

"It's beautiful," She says before turning to me. "Are you going to stay by yourself all night or just woman up and talk to him?"

I'm shook for a second. "What?"

She rolls her eyes. "Logan."

I purse my lips for a second before letting out a long sigh. "How did you know?"

She smiles. "The eyes, sweetheart. The eyes never lie." She pulls a strand of my hair behind my ear. "And I see the way you two look at each other."

My chest tightens at the thought before I unconsciously find myself looking for him among the crowd. Once I spot him laughing with the boys, I look away again. He clearly doesn't give a shit. "It doesn't matter anymore, Jade."

"Emily, listen to me. Life is too fucking short - It's too short for the 'what-could-have-been's and 'maybe's. It's too short for feelings that are not acted upon and self-hatred. So be brave. Wear your heart on your sleeve, even if it means that you might risk getting it ripped apart. This is life, honey."

I let out a laugh, as I bit back my tears. "That is the shittiest piece of advice that I have ever heard."

Jade laughs too, before shaking her head. "It might be shitty, but if you're waiting for Logan to figure out that you like him back, you're going to be waiting for a very long time. That's all I'm saying."

I gulp back the rest of my wine before taking Jade's. "Do you mind? I need to be really drunk to do something that I will one-hundred-percent regret tomorrow morning."

She grins before handing me her glass. "That's my girl. And worst case scenario, if you get rejected, just blame it on the alcohol."

For some reason, those last words give me the rush of adrenaline that I need to go over there and talk to him.

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a/n sorry for any typos - will edit this later. also, merry christmas everyone! :)