Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Emily

I've waited for a very long time for this moment. I thought of every single way it could unfold. First, there was the best case scenario: Jade pretends that I just don't exist and refuses to meet me. That was the safe and comfortable option.

Then, there were a few ugly scenarios. In one of them, some hair-pulling was included. But mostly, all of them included shouting and fighting. I was mostly scared that Adam's family would cut him off because of me. That he'd lose them, just like I lost mine. I would never forgive myself if that happened.

In fact, I spent all day drowning in anxiety over this dinner. My thoughts have literally exhausted me from any physical energy. By the time I got to dinner, I had gone through every plausible scenario over a hundred times.

However, never have I ever expected that the first time I met Jade would be on a casual Wednesday night over dinner. Never have I ever expected that we'd be laughing over Adam stealing Jade's dolls when they were younger. But mostly, never have I ever expected that the joy of this moment would be consumed by remorse over a boy. Her son, to be exact.

Meeting Jade was very smooth. In fact, it went by perfectly - she was so nice and gave me a tight hug before whispering, "Welcome to the family." Then, we both teared up a bit before Adam found us and snapped at Jade for making me cry. But it was funny so that's okay.

Then we helped Adam prepare the dinner table. He made lasagna and I prepared some vegetarian rolls which Jade absolutely loved. She asked me for the recipe and I embarrassingly admitted that I usually go with my instinct instead of using actually measurements.

I admit that I was too nervous about meeting jade to think much of Logan. But now that's done, my mind can't help but wander back to him. Adam asks me to call him from the basement. It was definitely weird that he was in the basement, and I couldn't help but think that if he stole one of my Vinyls, I was going to kill him. Even if we're fighting.

I quickly rush downstairs but the room is surprisingly silent. So, he's not using my vinyl records. That's a good thing. I knock once, but there's no answer. I open the door, only to find pillows and blankets on the floor.

"You're sleeping here? It's freezing!" The words rush from my lips without even thinking.

He turns around, surprise written all over his face. My heart sinks when I notice the dark circles under his eyes. He hasn't slept. Of course, he hasn't slept. The basement is a nightmare.

Then it hits me that he probably gave his room to his mom so that she doesn't sleep in mine. "Logan..."

"It's fine."

It's not fine. "You didn't have to. She has always slept in my room, it doesn't bother me."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't even look at me.

I take a deep breath. "But thank you. I appreciate the gesture."

Again, no answer. Fucking hell, I feel like shit. "Dinner is ready. Adam made lasagna, as usual," I try to break the ice, but still nothing.

He turns off his laptop. "I'll be upstairs in a minute."

I turn to leave but then the guilt about what I said the other day comes back, gnawing at me. I didn't mean what I said. And he's sleeping in the basement for me. Yep, I'm a bitch. "Logan, I'm sorry about the other day."

No reaction.

"What I said that night," My words are messy and tangled and I don't even know what I'm saying. "I didn't mean it. I just freaked out and-"

He lets out a long exhale and I have the feeling that I'm being whiny and now is not the right time so I just shake my head. "Never mind. I just want you to know that I really am sorry."

I run back upstairs with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Of course, he's still mad. I ruined everything.

"You okay?" Adam whispers when he sees me.

I nod. "He's coming."

We sit around the dinner table and make small talk. Jade is the center of attention. She mostly embarrasses Adam and talks about their childhood memories. She went to the same school that I went to and one of the teachers that taught me also used to teach her, which pretty much captures how old that woman is.

But even though the conversation is lively and fun, I can't stop thinking of Logan. I know that I pushed him away, and I know that everything that went down is completely my fault because I freaked out. But I just didn't think it would hurt this much when he shuts me off completely.

There's a hole inside my chest that is gnawing at my heart every single time I try to meet his eyes but he doesn't look up. And it's not like I want to! But my eyes find themselves trailing over to him every now and then. And the guilt is sharp and incisive and it proliferates into my entire being until Jade's jokes slowly become less funny, or my ability to laugh turns into short nods and small smiles.

Because even though I have wanted nothing more than to finally be introduced to Adam's family, I now realize that I do. I do want more than that. I want my someone too - Adam has Josh, Jade has Arthur, and I want Logan. I want to roll my eyes and bite a smile when he says dumb shit, I want to fight over which songs to play on the radio, I want to kiss him everywhere and God, I want him - us.

I want us so bad that it terrifies me. It shakes the ground beneath me. Because what if I get that and I lose it? What if I never experience it again? Isn't it better to not experience something at all than to go on with your life knowing that there is something this great, this vivacious that you have lived and will never live again?

But it's too late because I already have. Because I never realized how much I liked catching him staring at me and then snapping a caustic, "Take a picture, it'll last longer", until now - when our eyes haven't met at all.

"You know that I've actually never climbed the Qurna-Sawda even though I grew up here?"

I love how she says the name of the mountain with a Lebanese accent.

"Really? How come?"

She shakes her head. "Too cold. I hate the snow."

Adam rolls his eyes. "You live in New York City. Isn't it freezing there like, half of the time?"

"It is. I wish my job could be based in California. I absolutely hate the humidity on the East coast. But the issue with NYC is that once you live there, it's really difficult to relocate anywhere. Right?" She turns towards Logan.

He still hasn't even touched his plate. He looks miserable, it breaks my heart. His hair is a mess. He hasn't shaved. His eyes are swollen red with dark circles under them. He's lost in thoughts. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

"Logan? What's up with you?" Jade says again. This time he finally looks up to meet her gaze.

"Yeah?"

"Is this about Jordan? I already told you that you can go. I'll cover your trip, it's fine. Just lighten up. Jesus, you can be dramatic sometimes."

Jordan? What? He's leaving?

"You're going to Jordan?" Adam asks.

He barely nods. Jade sighs, "His girlfriend has a modeling shoot there this weekend so he's going to meet her there."

Oh. Oh. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. I fight the urge to pinch my eyes closed. He's going to see his girlfriend. They made up.

I can't hear anything else that Jade is saying. He's going to see her. But when we were talking the other day, he said he didn't love her anymore - he told me that things are different now and he's going to end it. I'm such an idiot. Such a freaking idiot.

He promised me he wouldn't - he promised that it was over. And I promised myself I wouldn't - I promised that I wouldn't let my guard down. But we both broke our promises. My stomach churns at me, and the sudden urge to puke overtakes me. "Excuse me," I managed to make out before running to the bathroom.

But the moment I close the door behind me, I lean against the wall, trying to stop my head from spinning. But it spins and my throat is tight and my tears make my eyes sting. We were over before we even began.