4. What is Love?

Chapter Four: What is Love?

Mika

I felt like such a flustered mess back there. Who was I to get flustered and just start talking and not stop? That wasn't me. I wasn't some schoolgirl trying to talk to her first crush. And I'm pretty sure he noticed my behavior, too. He probably realized I think he's attractive and now he's regretting hiring me.

God, I'm getting fired from yet another job. And to think I actually thought I'd be able to keep this one, considering he'd have to find a quick replacement to watch Sam.

Roughly pulling my hood over my head, I stuck my hands into the front pocket of my sweatshirt as I headed back home. I just wanted to forget about the stupid mistakes I just made. Over an attractive guy. No one's ever had this kind of affect on me. I didn't like it. It would be better to just forget.

I had been walking for maybe twenty minutes when I heard a voice call me out from behind me. I didn't turn to look. I told him I was done with him last time I saw him, but I guess some people just can't get the hint.

I groaned inwardly when he ran up next to me, slapping my left ass cheek. "There's that sexy ass!"

Stopping, I turned to face the person I would have been more than happy never seeing again. "What do you want from me, Zak?"

"What do you mean, what do I want? You know what I want."

I scoffed, turning around again to walk away. He could be so annoying. Why did I ever let myself get involved with him?

"Come on, Meeks," he whined, falling in step next to me. "I'm clean. You trust me, right?"

I stopped walking again. "No, Zak. I don't. And I told you that I can't keep doing this. I know you sleep around, and I know you don't use protection very often. After that scare a couple weeks ago, I told you I can't keep taking the risk. Go find someone else to give your STDs." I started walking again, planning on leaving him behind me for good.

Unfortunately, he had other plans. Appearing next to me again, we walked together, the silence heavy between us. At least this was better than him talking my head off or trying to get in my pants. He was still here, but he wasn't talking.

"So where have you been, Meeks? It's like you went MIA."

I outwardly groaned this time. Why did he have to start talking again? "I've been around. Working. Avoiding you. You know, the usual."

I heard him scoff, not even needing to face him to picture him shaking his head, but smiling nonetheless. He probably thought I was joking. "Funny. You still working at that place?"

I wasn't sure which place he was referring to, but either way, my answer would be the same. He didn't know about the nanny job, and he wouldn't ever know. "Nope."

"Got a new job then?"

"Yup."

"Where?"

"None of your damn business, Zak."

"Ouch." The silence fell between us again, but only for a minute. "You know what you need, Mika?" I didn't answer. "You need to get laid. When was the last time you had sex?" He paused again, but I refused to answer. "Wait. Don't tell me it was with me! It was, wasn't it? Damn, you definitely need to get laid. That was like, two weeks ago!"

I spun around to stand directly in front of Zak, shocking him with my sudden movement. "You leave me the hell alone, okay? I don't need you and I sure as hell don't want you."

I was really hoping he'd finally realize what it was I was saying and leave me alone. But, instead, he took a step forward and crashed his lips against mine.

I wish I could say I pushed him off, but I had to admit that Zak was good. He was a good kisser and even better in bed. I couldn't help but give in to him, which is probably how I always ended up back in bed with him for over a year.

After a moment, he broke the kiss, both of us breathless from the intensity. "See? You do want me, Meeks. Come on. I'm clean. I'm honest to God clean as a whistle."

That broke the trance I was in. Scoffing, I shook my head. "Did you find that whistle in a mud pit?"

"You're rude, Mika. Extremely rude. But that makes us work so well, you and me. You're rude. I'm... well, I'm me. But we have the most amazing sex together. You're the best sex I've ever had, Meeks."

"What? Do you use that line on everyone? Please." I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm, holding me in place. "Zak," I warned.

"I love the way you say my name. C'mon, Meeks. We can still be together. We can still be us. You just gotta get over this fear thing you have."

I rolled my eyes. "There is no we, Zak. There never was a we. And it's not fear keeping me away from you. It's logic. Now let go of me and never talk to me again."

The cocky look on his face fell and was immediately replaced by one that almost seemed like hurt. But why would he be hurt over this? It's not like it's the first time I've said this. And besides, there was never really anything between us. It was just sex.

"Mika, please, just... Can I tell you something?"

Even his voice had that hurt sound to it. So, instead of just walking away, I nodded my head once to let him say whatever it was he wanted to say. Then I was going to leave, no matter what came out of his mouth.

"I love you."

I nearly choked. "Yo-"

"Before you say anything," Zak spoke over me, cutting my off. "I know how you feel about love. How you think it's some socially constructed concept. I thought so too. For a long time. But, I don't know, a couple months ago I realized just how strong my feelings for you were."

I shook my head, not believing this. "Yet you told me two weeks ago that you might have gotten an STD from some guy. Why'd you still sleep around if you loved me? Why not tell me sooner?" I know that probably wasn't the best response, but I was kinda a little bit in shock and very much already annoyed at him.

"I was scared of how you'd react, but I haven't been sleeping around. Once I realized how I felt, if I tried with someone else, I'd only want you and I felt like I was cheating on you, even though we weren't together and you probably wouldn't care. You accused me of having the thing and I got nervous and jokingly said 'maybe' because I didn't know how to tell you that you were the only person I've been sleeping with recently. But then you ran from me and I never got to tell you the truth. I'm sorry, Mika, I really am. But please don't just toss me aside, after everything. You can't tell me you don't feel something for me, after a year and a half?"

A year and a half. That seemed like forever ago, and yet, it could've been yesterday for how quickly it went by. I only met Zak because I had just lost Amy. He was my relief from the pain of losing her. I had never told him any of that, only because it wasn't something he needed to know, especially if all we were to each other was sex.

But apparently he saw more between us. When I looked at him, all I saw were all those fantastic times in bed where I would forget about my heartache for my sister. There was no future between us, no feelings. But there was a small part at me that really didn't want to break his heart, because that's what I'm about to do. I'm about to shatter his heart because I can't return his feelings. Simple as that.

He must have taken my silence as a no. "Alright, Mika. I get it. You can't love so it's my fault for falling for you in the first place."

I didn't know what to say to that. What could I say to that? It was true: I didn't love him. I didn't think it was possible for me to ever love someone. Love didn't exist. But then again, Zak used to think that too. Was it possible that it could and I just haven't found someone yet that makes be believe?

For some reason, Allen popped into my head. I didn't know what he had to do with any of this, considering I barely even knew him. But there was also something about him that made me flustered and blush and act like a stupid schoolgirl in front of him. Could I actually be falling for Allen? Me, fall for someone? Could that really be what I was feeling?

Someone suddenly bumped into me, forcing me to take a small step backwards to remain standing. The person muttered a small apology and kept walking, not even looking back. I didn't really pay them much mind either because I was looking after Zak, who was halfway down the block. I hadn't even noticed he had left me standing here in the middle of the sidewalk.

I felt bad for what happened between us, even though it definitely wasn't my fault. I didn't make him fall in love with me.

"Zak!" I called out before I even knew what I was doing. He didn't make any indication that he heard, just continuing to walk away from me. So I started running, yelling his name again, hoping he'd stop, but at the same time, confused as to what I'd say to him.

"Haven't you hurt me enough, Mika?" Zak demanded, spinning around to face me just before I caught up to him. I nearly fell over trying not to crash into him. "I'll leave you alone from now on. Don't worry about it."

I shook my head, trying to catch my breath from all that running. Damn, I'm out of shape. "That's not what I wanted to say."

Neither of us said anything for a solid minute. Him probably waiting to see what I wanted to say, and me trying to figure out what I actually wanted to say. My mind had gone completely blank.

"Are you ever going to tell me what you wanted to say?" Zak asked, breaking the silence.

I nodded my head slowly. "Um, well, I know you never believed in love before. Uh..." Oh, God, this was awkward. "Well, how did you know that you love me?"

There was a hint of a smile on his face. "Because you're fucking amazing, Meeks. Really. You were the only person I could think of and the only person I wanted to be with. At first I thought I was just horny, like usual, but other guys weren't doing it for me. Then we got together again and I felt the sparks that had been fluttering around my stomach for the entire week before whenever I thought about you. Really, it all pointed to me being in love with you."

I nodded along as he spoke. Maybe I was falling for Allen. I almost wish I was falling for Zak instead. At least I knew Zak liked - loved - me. And falling for my boss? On top of that, he was straight and a new father. There was no way I'd ever be able to have him.

"Have you felt something like that, Mika?" Zak asked, hesitantly.

I knew what he was really asking, so I shook my head. "Maybe. But unfortunately, it's not for you. I'm really sorry, Zak. You would have been so much easier, but I don't think anything will ever happen between us anymore. Maybe love does exist, and maybe fate does too. And I was fated to never love and never be happy. You'll be so much better off without me, Zak. Goodbye."

I didn't give my words any time to sink in before I turned around and kept walking back home, leaving Zak behind me. I knew I had just broken his heart, but he'll get over me. He has to. He'll get his happy ending one day, probably, unlike me.