27. Raw Emotion

Chapter 27: Raw Emotion

Mika

Cold.

I was cold. Shivering, even though I could feel the pressure of a what might have been a blanket over my body. I clutched the blanket closer, trying to get as much warmth as I could from it. Why couldn't I get warm?

I had to be dead. This was my punishment. I had to live a crappy life, and now I had to spend the rest of eternity in the dark and the cold. I didn't deserve anything else.

"Mika."

His voice was like a whisper in the back of my mind. Allen. I wonder if he found me. If he would ever find me. If he was even looking.

"Mika, baby. Please wake up. You're worrying me."

I gripped the blanket tighter. Death wasn't something you could just wake up from. Didn't he understand that?

But despite everything I was telling myself, I tried listening to Allen's voice. Because he was the only man I ever let myself feel something for. He's the only man that has ever mattered to me. And if he wanted me to wake up, I was going to try my damn hardest to wake up.

And, against all odds, my eyes opened.

I wasn't dead.

The room was bright. Too bright. So I turned my face into the pillow under my head with a groan.

Pillow? Where was I? This was one of our pillows. On our bed. Last time I checked, I was outside in the middle of a snowstorm. Now I was at home, in bed. That wasn't all just a dream, was it?

"Mika?"

There was his voice again. Where was he?

I rolled over so that I was on my back, staring up at the white ceiling. The next second, Allen appeared in my line of vision.

"Hey, you," he said with a smile before running his fingers lightly through my hair. "How are you doing?"

"I'm freezing."

He chuckled lightly. "Yeah, well you do have a bit of hypothermia." He reached towards the end of the bed. "Here."

I didn't know what he was talking about until I saw him pulling another blanket up to cover my body. I was grateful, this one actually seeming to give me a bit of warmth back.

"Any better?" he asked.

I nodded before reaching for his hand to hold. I needed to know this was real - that he was real. I wasn't dreaming and I wasn't dead. Somehow he found me out in that storm.

"Thank you," I muttered, shifting my gaze away from him, unable to look him in the eye as I said this, "for finding me. Bringing me home. For not being mad at me."

Allen didn't say anything for the longest moment. Eventually, I couldn't take the silence anymore and I raised my eyes to look at him. He was staring down at the floor, his face unreadable.

"Allen?"

He shook his head slightly. "I thought I lost you," he admitted softly. "I wasn't even the one to find you. I was so worried, Mika, you have no idea."

I tightened my hold on his hand. "You won't lose me, Allen," I said just as soft as he was speaking. "Never." I tried to put as much truth into my words as I could, because I did mean them. I meant every word of it.

"I know that. But sometimes things happen that none of us want. I was afraid that that was what happened last night. You never came home and it was a bad storm. I had no idea where you were. Anything could have happened. Losing you could have happened."

I sat up, struggling only slightly because I refused to let go of Allen's hand to help myself up. Once I was sitting up, I placed my right hand - the one not in his - on his cheek to get him to look at me. There was a great sadness in his eyes, the deep brown holding more emotions than I've ever seen in them before.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, meaning it to the core of my being. "I'm so sorry, for everything." Then suddenly, I couldn't seem to stop apologizing. "I never should have left your office like that earlier. It was stupid leaving my phone and my wallet there, too. I just freaked out and ran and I'm sorry about that. I know how much you care and I never should have doubted you about Amy and I don't know what was going through my head other than panic. It was stupid. I was stupid. I'm sorry."

The next thing I knew, Allen had his arms around me, my face tucked into his chest, feeling the warmth of his body. And I cried. Clutching Allen closer to me, I let out everything that I've kept bottled up my entire life.

I cried for my pathetic childhood. I cried for the things I needed to do to survive all those years. I cried for Amy, both back when I lost her and how I'm pushing her away now. I cried because I almost died today. I cried because I finally knew where I belong and I almost lost it all because of my own stupidity.

The whole time, Allen sat there silently, gently rubbing my back, holding me. It wasn't a feeling I was used to - feeling so weak like this. I've never shown so much weakness before, and yet, I wasn't ashamed like I thought I would be. Maybe it was because it was Allen I was showing all this raw emotion to. Allen, who loves me so much more than I could ever love him, even if I cry on him, soaking his shirt with my tears.

Eventually my sobs died down to almost nothing. I'm sure my face was stained from the tears that were now dried onto my cheeks, but I couldn't find the energy to even lift my head off Allen's chest, let alone wipe my face.

So that's where I stayed.

At least, until I realized I had fallen asleep and woke up completely alone.

The room was dark this time when I opened my eyes. The light had been turned off and the sun seemed like it had set a long time ago.

Before I could even think of trying to find Allen to apologize for crying all over him, I needed a shower. I was covered in tears and dirt from spending the night outside. I felt gross. And I was still kinda cold, even after being under those blankets for however long I was sleeping.

When I finished my shower - feeling much better than I did before -  I slowly made my way downstairs. There was the quiet murmur of voices coming from the kitchen, so I headed there. I wasn't too sure I wanted to face Allen's parents right now, but that was probably where Allen was, so I went.

"...ours in a couple days," Edwin was saying. "We'll get out of your hair then."

"But of course, you'll come for Christmas," Eliza added excitedly. "It'll be the first holiday spent there!"

"I'm glad you found something," Allen said, not sounding quiet as happy as his parents.

I didn't know what they were talking about and I didn't particularly care. I cared that Allen was in there, though. Entering the kitchen, I stopped once everyone's eyes darted to me, stopping their talking.

Allen spoke up first, getting to his feet. "How are you doing? Feel better? Are you hungry?"

He was in front of me in a matter of seconds. I took half a step back at his sudden movements and rapid-fire questions. "I'm fine. A little hungry, though."

Okay, maybe a lot hungry. I haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours. Of course I was hungry. I was staving, actually.

"I saved you some dinner," Allen was saying, moving over to the microwave before turning it on. "Why don't you take a seat? I'll get it for you."

I looked back and forth between him and the table that his parents still sat at. I wanted to say that I didn't need him to wait on me like that. I also wanted to say I didn't really want to sit with his parents right now. They'd probably ask questions about where I was last night or why I was out in the storm. Allen probably told them at least some of it, but I still didn't want to think about it.

Thankfully, I didn't have to say anything. Eliza stood up before I could decide what to do. "Well, we should probably head off to bed," she said, nudging Edwin's shoulder. "It's getting late." Then she turned to me. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Mika. We were worried about you."

I nodded, watching as the two of them left the room. As soon as they did, I heard the microwave beep behind me. The next second, Allen was guiding me gently to the table, placing a hot bowl of spaghetti and meatballs in front of me.

"Thanks," I muttered, sitting down.

He gave me a small smile. "You're welcome." Silence fell between us for a minute before he spoke again. "Are you sure you're doing okay?"

I put my fork down and finished chewing the bite in my mouth before answering. "I'm sorry I broke down on you. You didn't need to see that."

He placed his hand over mine. "Never apologize for that. I'll always love you, even if you let yourself cry every once and a while."

"I think this was the first time I've ever let myself cry," I said with a dry chuckle, although I stopped when I remembered the only other time I cried. I shook my head, trying not to think about that. "What you said about Amy," I started, changing the subject, "did you mean it?" I started eating again as soon as the words left my mouth.

Allen nodded, looking only slightly shocked that I was bringing that up now. "Every word. I believe that you and I can give her a great home here. A loving, caring home is what she needs, and what we can provide. I would love to have her join our family, and I know she would as well, if, of course, you are on board with it, with adopting Amy."

"That would make her my kid, though, wouldn't it?"

"You'd be her guardian, nothing more."

I nodded, thinking. She didn't deserve to be with those awful people she was with now. If this was the way to get her out of there, then why shouldn't we take this chance?

"Okay," I said simply.

"Okay? As in...?"

I smiled. "Let's do it. Let's adopt Amy."