21. Past, Present, Future

Chapter 21: Past, Present, Future

Allen

"I'm sure you have a ton of questions," Mika said from the passenger seat of my car. We were still in the parking lot of the restaurant, having not gone anywhere yet.

He wasn't wrong. I did have questions. But I could tell he wanted to say something else, so I waited another moment.

"Sorry I never told you."

That confused me. "Told me what? You didn't know about her."

He shook his head, staring down at his lap. He looked extremely uncomfortable. "Not that. The, um, the having sex for money bit. I know you heard you her."

He was right about that too. But, to be honest, I wasn't all that surprised. Sure, I didn't actually know, but I think I was more surprised over Amy's casualness on the subject rather than Mika having sold himself. It was the way he had sex, especially in the beginning of our relationship. The way he moved was so synchronized, so precise, like he knew exactly what to do to please his partner and was extremely experienced in it. He could have just been with a bunch of different guys for fun, but, now that I was thinking about it, it seemed a little too precise. It was almost like he was too accustomed to being used. Although recently he's gotten better at making love with me. It's like he's finally giving in to what an actual sexual relationship is supposed to be like instead of basing everything he knows on when he was selling himself.

"I don't think I was ever going to tell you, to be honest," he continued when I didn't say anything. "I didn't want you to judge me."

I placed my hand on his shoulder, wanting him to look at me, but he didn't so I spoke anyway. "I would never judge you. I'm sure you needed to do it those times."

He shook his head. "Except it wasn't just a few times. It was a few years. More than a few, actually."

My breath caught in my throat. "Can I ask how old were you when you started that?"

The silence between us was heavy and went on long enough for me to decide to change the topic. But before I could speak, Mika muttered a "fifteen".

I honestly thought I misheard him. Fifteen? Really? But after getting a second confirmation, my heart broke for him. I don't know how he managed to get away with that so young, but he did, and continued doing it long enough for Amy to know that he did it.

I said I wouldn't judge him, and I wasn't. Obviously he had his reasons for doing so when he didn't want to, otherwise he wouldn't be so ashamed to admit it to me. And I loved him, nothing was going to change that now.

Mika moved to open the door to leave, but I quickly locked him in. Not to keep him here, but to question why he was running away.

"Just let me go," he said. "This is why I never wanted you to know."

"No, Mika, please," I said, practically begging. "I love you, which means I don't care that you had to do that. Okay?" I reached out and caressed his check lightly with my thumb. "You are so strong, Mika. So strong. And I am so proud of the man you are now, no matter how you got here."

"That's the thing," he said kind of harshly, finally looking at me. "You would have hated me back then. I was just a dirty gay street whore. I sold m body for money just so I could eat another day. For the longest time me and Amy lived under a fucking bridge. You never would have looked twice at me, Allen. How can you possibly say you love me when you don't even know everything about me? Or still love me after finding it all out?"

"You don't get it, do you?" I asked, keeping my voice soft. "The day you showed up on my doorstep, soaking wet and - frankly - looking like a drowned rat, I still invited you in. I let you hold my newborn son. I didn't see a dirty street whore" - I cringed as I said the words - "I saw a young man who needed his luck to turn around. So I gave you a chance, not out of pity, but out of kindness, because you seemed like you needed someone to see you for you." I smiled. "And I have to say, I'm so glad I did."

He shook his head slowly. "I don't deserve you."

"You're right." I said it so confidently that Mika gave me a weird look. "You deserve so much better."

Mika rolled his eyes. "Shut up. Can we just go home?"

Chuckling, I put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking space. I waited a minute before starting a new conversation. "So, your sister," I stated, only slightly awkwardly. "How are you feeling about all that?"

"Like shit," he said, a new air of defensiveness to his voice. "How did I not know? How could I have just left her like that?"

I reached over and grabbed his hand. Maybe this wasn't the best conversation to have while I was driving, but it was too late now. "You didn't know. That's not your fault. At least you know now."

"It still took two years. And now she's with people who seem like grade A assholes. How could I let that happen? She's my little sister, Allen. I should have been there for her."

I didn't answer right away. There was an idea floating around my head, but I didn't want to say it out loud, at least not yet. I'd have to do some research on my own before I brought the idea to Mika, just in case it couldn't work out.

"But it's probably a good thing she's with a family, instead of with me," Mika continued. "She's probably actually going to school. She's obviously healthy. Last time I saw her she could barely get out of bed on her own. I just want to know if she's happy."

I hated agreeing with him right now. Amy was just a kid, a kid who shouldn't have been raised on the streets the way she was. But Mika protected her as much as he could, but he couldn't give her anything a normal kid needs. This was probably her best offer for the moment.

Instead, I asked, "You gave Amy your number, right?" I think I saw him write that down on the napkin, but it did it so quickly, I couldn't tell for sure.

"I didn't even think of giving her my number. I put down your - our - address."

Glancing at him, I smiled when I saw him looking out the window. I don't think there's ever a time when he doesn't look absolutely beautiful. I meant what I said before. He deserves so much more than me. It didn't matter how much money I had, because that didn't mean anything to him. That's why I'm planning on paying for his entire education and why I now want to do this for him.

I want to figure out how we could adopt Amy.

Mika and I haven't exactly been together for too long, but I feel like he's the one for me. I feel even stronger about him than I ever did for Sarah, which is a feeling I never thought was possible. I thought I had wanted to marry her, but I waited too long to ask and missed my chance. Now I knew I wanted to be with Mika for the rest of my life. I wanted to marry him. I wanted a life with him, and I wouldn't miss this chance for anything. It's one of the reasons why I knew adopting Amy would work out.

Even though I may not know her personally, I trust Mika, and if he cares so much about Amy, I want to give her the best home I can. There was plenty of space in the house for an extra person, and I had more than enough money to afford another kid. Doing this feels like the right thing to do.

The only thing is, if I tell Mika my idea now, he might get his hopes up too high in case something prevents this from happening. At least, I hoped he would want this. I wouldn't put it past him to end up shooting down the idea immediately, with some reasoning that makes sense to him. It's why I needed to do research first, so I can prove to him just how possible this is.

When we got home, after the rest of the drive was spent in relative silence, Mika immediately went into the house, not waiting for me. I didn't mind; he had a lot going through his head. He needed time to sort everything out on his own. I followed behind and, once I was inside, was instantly questioned by my mother.

"Is everything alright?" she asked. "How was your date night?"

"It was fine, Ma," I said, trying to move around her. "Where's Sammy? Did you put him to sleep yet?"

Ma shrugged. "I think your father has him in the other room. I tried telling him the boy needs to sleep, but he wasn't listening to me. Then you boys came back. Mika didn't seem to happy. Didn't even say anything to me, just walked right upstairs. Are you sure everything's fine?"

I sighed. "We ran into someone from his past. Don't bring it up with him, please." With that, I finally managed to get around my mother and head to the living room, where I could hear the TV playing and Sam's giggling.

"Dad," I said, walking into the room. "Do you realize how late it is?"

"But he's having fun," Dad answered. He was sitting on the floor next to his grandson. "Let him stay up a little longer." It sounded like my father was the one who didn't want to stop playing yet, considering Sam was still too young to really have an opinion like that.

I shook my head, bending over to pick up my son. "No. It's well past his bedtime." As harsh as I sounded, I knew that he needed a strict routine, especially at this age. If I started letting him stay up this late, he'd get used to it and expect it night after night.

As soon as he was in my arms, Sam put his head on my shoulder and let out a large yawn. See? Past his bedtime. But I didn't say anything like that to my dad, just left him there so I could get Sam ready for bed.

I didn't see Mika again until I went to bed, nearly an hour later. He was curled up under the covers, fast asleep. Judging by his damp hair that I pushed to the side so that I could kiss his forehead, he had taken a shower before going to sleep. I slipped under the blanket next to him, trying my hardest not to wake him up. I froze when he shifted, but relaxed when he only curled into my chest, still asleep.

I wanted to fall asleep too, knowing that I had a busy day at work tomorrow, but my mind kept running. Eventually, I gave up. I climbed out of bed, once again making sure not to wake up Mika, and moved to the kitchen with my laptop.

The next couple hours were spent doing as much research as I possibly could on the adoption process. For some reason, the more time I spent thinking about it, the more I wanted Amy to join our family. I just hoped that she wasn't already adopted by that couple, otherwise this would never work.