xv. PHOBIA

FIFTEEN.

PHOBIA

The next morning was subdued.

They ate breakfast in silence. Bex stared at her toast, unable to find the appetite to raise it to her lips. Even Rose, who had taken to eating with them, said nothing. Bex couldn't meet Roxy or Eggy's eyes, knowing in three hours she would be saying goodbye to one of them or all of them. She finally pushed her untouched plate away, her stomach churning, and stood up. Eggsy made a move to stand up and follow her, but Roxy shook her head imperceptibly.

When Bex reached the room, she stood in the middle of it. She watched her reflection in the mirror opposite her, the same one Eggsy had shattered nearly a year and a half ago. Her hair was pulled back in her usual ponytail, exposing her face. She looked too pale, the shadows under her eyes standing out against her waxy skin like bruises. Bex smoothed the front of her jumpsuit and tightened her belt. She pushed her hair back out of her eyes and let her hands rest on her forehead for a moment, her eyes fluttering shut.

She had made it this far. She had watched countless others come and go, but she had stayed. Bex had already done more than she ever thought she would in her life, made friends she never could have dreamed of. She tried to tell herself she would be okay. She would keep surviving.

The door opened behind her, and Bex jumped slightly. It was Eggsy, a tentative expression on his face.

"Merlin's ready for us. Roxy's already over there."

Bex bit her lip and nodded.

He hesitated, wavering in his spot in between the hall and the dormitory. He looked like he wanted to say something, but pressed his lips together at the last second and looked down at the floor instead.

She joined him in the doorway, taking one last look at the room where she had lived for so long. Then they set off down the hallway together. They walked in silence until they reached the unmarked door where Merlin had instructed them to meet him. There were three plastic chairs outside, Roxy sitting in one. Her back was straight and her chin was high, but her hands were shaking slightly. Bex sat next to her and placed a hand over her trembling ones, giving her a small smile.

"I love you two," Roxy blurted out suddenly. "You're my best friends, you know that? And no matter what happens in there, you'll still be my best friends."

Bex shifted uncomfortably, the back of her neck prickling. Those words should've been comforting, but they set her on edge. It was only a reminder that she had created something here she was destined to lose eventually.

Eggsy put his arm around Roxy's shoulders and squeezed her briefly before letting go.

"You've got nothing to be afraid of, Rox. You already conquered your worst fear, remember?"

Roxy nodded. Suddenly her name crackled through a small speaker next to the door in Merlin's voice. She looked up, eyes wide. Roxy took a deep breath before she stood up and walked to the door. She pulled it open and disappeared inside, leaving Eggsy and Bex alone.

Bex's fingers were tapping out a dizzying rhythm against her thigh, her body full of nervous energy. Eggsy just stared straight ahead without moving. After what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes, Bex heard her name come through the speaker. She jumped slightly, her heart beating erratically.

She was about to stand up when Eggsy caught her wrist. He was looking up at her with those stormy gray eyes again.

"Bex."

His fingers were warm against her skin.

"Give them hell. I have faith in you. Always. "

She nodded, and he finally let her go. Bex forced herself to turn away from him and face the door. Its unmarked surface gleamed mockingly. It's just a door, she scolded herself, pulling it open and stepping inside.

Of course, the door wasn't what scared her. It was what was on the other side.

Bex found herself in a bare room. There was a metal chair in the center, bolted down to the floor. Next to it was a metal tray carrying nothing but a syringe, and Merlin and his clipboard. He gestured for her to sit in the chair with a latex gloved hand. She sat down, flexing her fingers against the metal armrests.

Merlin brushed her hair back behind her shoulder, exposing her neck and picked up the syringe.

"Don't worry," he said when she flinched slightly. "It's just a sedative we give you while we transport you to the location of your test. It won't hurt a bit."

"I know. I'm worried the part after is what's going to hurt," Bex said.

Uncharacteristically, Merlin gave her a small smile.

"You'll do just fine."

Then the needle pierced her skin with a sting, and Bex inhaled sharply. Instantly, she could feel the numbness clawing up her body from her toes to her neck. Her vision began to slant away from her as her eyelids fluttered shut. Bex felt her body go limp as she plunged into darkness.

☂

She woke up in a cell.

No, not quite a cell, she corrected herself.

She was laying in the center of the room. Her jumpsuit was missing its belt, she was barefoot, and most unsettling, her father's ring on Roxy's chain was gone. There was no trace of metal on her body, nothing that could help her.

She pulled herself to a sitting position, eyes drinking in her surroundings as quickly as she could.

Bex was surrounded by three solid metal walls, the fourth wall a mirror that displayed her own reflection in muted shades of gray and blue. She felt her heart begin to beat faster as she realized there were no windows or doors. She scrambled to her feet. The room barely allowed enough room for her to stand, only leaving a foot of room on either side when she stretched her arms to the side. There was barely any light, the room lit by a single, dim bulb.

Bex could immediately feel a freezing wave of panic wash over her. She flexed her fingers, trying to slow her breathing and slow the tide of claustrophobia rising over her.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Get out.

This was the test. She somehow had to escape this room without losing her wits to panic. Bex would have to find a way past the claustrophobia that threatened to choke her and find a way out.

She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to imagine she was a large room with swooping ceilings and plenty of space to breathe easily. She slowly opened them again, ignoring the jolt of terror that struck her when she saw the tomb-like room. Bex breathed deeply, tapping her finger against her thigh to the rhythm of her breaths. After a few moments, the panic faded to a dull sensation.

She told herself she wasn't scared.

Once the fog of panic faded, her mind began to race. Bex ran her hands over the walls and floor, feeling no seam in the metal. It was as if it had been built from one piece. She turned to the mirror next. It appeared to be normal glass, but a few knocks proved it was something much stronger. It had been reinforced somehow so she couldn't break through.

The only thing that remained was the single filament lightbulb in the ceiling. Bex peered at it closely. It appeared to be nothing more than a regular lightbulb, but if Kingsman training had taught her anything it was that things were never what they seemed.

Bex unscrewed it carefully, grateful to finally have something to do with her hands. She could feel all the nervous energy sparking in her fingertips. It came lose on her palm, hanging from the ceiling by a single wire. She ripped it from the socket, wincing as darkness washed over the room. Bex stood for a minute, blinking rapidly, until her vision began to adjust and she could see the bulb in her hand.

It was oddly heavy. Bex tipped it sideways into her other hand. Screws and nails poured from the opening into her waiting palm and onto the metal floor with a clatter. Bex stared in confusion, her brow creasing.

She knew nothing in the room was there by coincidence, but she had no idea what purpose the loose hardware was supposed to serve. Bex was standing there, examining the dull bits of metal in her palm, when there was a sudden jolt.

Bex stretched out her arms in an attempt to regain her balance as the room settled again. The screws and nails clattered to the floor. Heart pounding, she looked around. Nothing had changed. Then she heard the noise. A low grinding scrape that raised the hairs on her neck. Bex's heart skipped a beat when she realized what the noise was coming from.

The walls were moving.

The room was slowly shrinking in on her. Bex's breathing began to quicken again. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to regain a grip on reality, but she could still hear the grinding scrape of the walls. Her head was spinning and her heart was beating wildly as she pressed her arms out against the walls. Bex tried to push them out, but her strength was no match for the unforgiving advance of metal.

What sense of calm Bex had managed to achieve earlier had evaporated. Her worst nightmare was playing out before her eyes and this time there would be no waking up. This was happening, and she couldn't do anything to stop. She threw herself at the wall, not even feeling the force of the impact.

"Help!" she screamed. "Help me please! Somebody!"

The walls kept moving.

Everything was beginning to blur. Bex wasn't sure if it was from the tears fogging her vision or the lack of oxygen in her lungs. She scrabbled against the wall, her nails bouncing uselessly off its smooth surface. She beat her fists against the walls without avail.

"Please, please, please," she chanted in between sobs.

She felt like she was about to explode. Panic had clawed its way into her heart and head, taking complete control. All Bex could do was scream. Her lungs ached painfully as she gulped in air, but it was never enough. The edges of her vision were fading, and Bex felt her grip on reality slowly sliding away.

"Please," she whispered, one more time.

She tried to stay in the moment, but she was slipping back in time. The flashback washed over her like a wave.

Suddenly, Bex was five years old again.

Small enough to fit in the small storage space filled with dust, but big enough that her head and shoulders pressed up against the sides. Strong enough to scream for hours and bang on the sides, but weak enough that no one ever heard. Old enough to understand that her mother was punishing her, but young enough not to understand why.

She was five years old, clutching her knees to her chest. She had already exhausted herself after hours of screaming and crying. She knew now that no one was coming for her. Bex couldn't breathe in there. It was so small and dusty. To distract herself, she recited the new words she was learning at school. She loved to read. She would get out of here, she would go back to school, and she would be able to read all the books she wanted.

Red, train, home, child, rust.

Bex could see a thin strip of light underneath the door. She watched it flicker. It was the only way she could remind herself that there was something beyond. That she wouldn't be trapped there forever. But minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days.

Whenever her mother would pick her up and begin to walk towards the back of the flat where the storage space was, Bex would feel her chest ache with fear. She screamed and kicked and cried, but it never mattered. Even when she was back in the open, the panic remained.

Red, train, home, child, rust.

This time was the longest. Bex was afraid her mother was never coming back for her. Even years later, Bex felt that same petrifying fear anytime she was in a small space. And now, in this cell with the rapidly advancing walls, Bex felt like she was dying all over again.

Red, train, home, child, rust.

Bex was five years old again.

When the darkness came, she welcomed it.

☂

When Bex woke up again, she was lying on a cot in the infirmary. She blinked a few times groggily. Her chest felt tight and her eyes burned with the tears she had shed. Bex stretched out her arms, noting the navy blue bruises on her hands from beating against the wall.

She wasn't sure how she had gotten there or what had happened after she'd lost consciousness, but Bex knew one thing for sure.

She had failed.

Bex pressed her hands to her face, feeling a dull ache behind her eyes. She bit her lip hard, trying to stop the tears from welling in her eyes. She was going home, and leaving it all behind. Leaving everyone behind.

Suddenly the spacious room felt too small and hot. Bex needed to breathe. She swung her legs over the side, her feet still bare. She pushed her way out of the infirmary, bursting out into the hallway. It was empty, thankfully. Bex could feel her body shaking with the aftershock of the paralyzing fear she had just felt. The memory of her mother and the tiny storage space had ripped open a fresh wound in her mind.

Bex leaned her head against the wall. She slumped against it. She touched her cheek, and realized she was crying. Hot tears were pouring down her face, but she didn't make a sound. Bex stifled the sobs that threatened to wrack her body, bracing herself against the wall. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to swallow her grief.

"Bex?" a voice said.

She looked up quickly to find Eggsy standing near her cautiously. She hadn't even heard his footsteps approaching her.

He didn't try to come closer, just watched her with concern. His hands were slightly outstretched, frozen in the air, uncertain. Bex watched a crease form between his brows. She stared at him for a moment, a hand hovering near her mouth.

"Eggsy," she breathed.

She nearly tripped over her feet in her haste to get to him. She threw her arms around him as she felt her chest ache with a sob. She buried her face into his shoulder as his arms lifted and wrapped themselves around her. He squeezed her so tightly her toes lifted off the ground.

They finally broke apart after what felt like a century. Bex wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Through clearer vision, she could see the bloodshot veins in Eggsy's eyes and the tear stains. She hadn't been the only one crying.

"I don't think I can do this," she said in a soft, shaky voice.

His hands were still on her shoulders.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought I was braver than this, but I'm not. I'm still a five year old kid afraid of everything."

"Bex, what are you talking about?"

She gently grabbed his hands and removed them from her shoulders. His fingers lingered in hers a moment, rough calluses brushing her fingertips, but she pulled her hands away.

"I didn't pass the test."

"Bex, they haven't even told us-"

"Eggsy, no,"" she said in a trembling voice. "You don't understand. I failed. I couldn't do it. I-I need to go home and just leave this all behind. Pretend it never happened."

Eggsy took a slight step back.

"I don't understand," he said, a look of confusion on his face. "Your mother is the one who hurt you. Why are you going back to her?"

"Because she's always going to be there, Eggsy! She's always with me. No matter how many times I try to get away, I can't escape my past. I was stupid to think I could."

"So you're just running away?" Eggsy said incredulously. "There are people who actually care about you here and you're just going to leave them behind?"

"No one cares. No one ever stays. I'm just not made to be loved, Eggsy."

He let out a bitter laugh. Bex had never heard his mouth make a sound so dark and angry.

"You're wrong, Bex. That's the whole point. When people care about you, they put their arms around you and love you, even when you're not so lovable."

Bex pushed him away from her. She had spent her whole life alone, and for a moment she had deluded herself into thinking that she could have anything other than that. But she remembered now. Everything she loved would only become everything she would lose. Loving Bex was fatal.

"Stop acting like everything is so simple, Eggsy! It's not! Nothing is that easy," she burst out. "You can't just love me and expect that to fix me."

Her words hung in the air, the meaning behind them clear.

His eyes widened with hurt, glassy with the echoes of tears he'd already shed.

"You knew?"

She nodded, even though it made her heart fracture in her chest.

He stared at her in disbelief.

"Does it even matter to you?" he whispered. His face crumpled with grief. "Do I even matter?"

Something inside her was aching desperately. Her hands were trembling with the effort of trying to contain every emotion flashing through her. It was all too much for one person to feel.

Bex had to get away.

"No," she said, feeling tears prick her eyes.

The word reached in past her ribs and tore into her like a knife. All the air seemed to leave Eggsy. She watched his shoulders slump as he bent over slightly as if her words had physically hurt him. He ran his hands over his face, his eyes shining with pain. Pain she had caused.

His shoulders suddenly tensed, soft lines becoming hard edges. He seemed to solidify. Eggsy whirled to face her, his face a cruel mask of hurt and anger.

"You're delusional," he said in a low, shaky voice. "It's like you want to be hurt, to feel pain and never heal. I can help you, Bex, if you just fucking stay."

"Eggsy, you can't just make me better, okay? It doesn't work that way. Everything stays the same, except now your heart gets broken too."

"You can't leave," he said, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

"I warned you," Bex said. "I told you that you would only get hurt and you didn't listen."

"You act like it's a choice, Bex! Like you can just pick and choose who you love!"

"Can't you?"

She didn't yell. Her words were flat, but they trembled with unknown anger, each one a bullet.

"That's not the way the world works. This- this, thing," Eggsy said, gesturing between his heart and hers. "was never my intention."

"Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you with some stupid crush," Bex hissed.

Eggsy ran his hands over his head, long fingers tearing through golden hair. He shook his head once, then again. When he looked up at her again, his gray eyes cut her like glass.

"Is that what you think this is? Some stupid crush? Jesus, Bex, you're so damn blind, you know that? You were so much more for me. But I was never enough for you, was I?"

Bex could taste blood in her mouth. The words were resting on her tongue, but she couldn't say them. He couldn't be a part of her life anymore. Not if he was ever going to be happy. She chose the other words instead, the ones that burned her throat like poison.

"It doesn't matter if you think you love me, Eggsy. I don't love you."

Bex's heart was a hurricane, ripping through and leaving destruction in its wake. She wanted to steal the words back from the air and swallow them again, to say his name instead and I'm so sorry but she couldn't. It didn't matter if she wanted him. He wasn't hers to have.

Eggsy's eyes were shadows. A pulse beat in his jaw, clenched so tightly she thought his teeth would shatter. His fists were white knuckles.

"I don't understand you, Bex. I honestly don't," he said in a low, trembling voice. "You pretend like you don't love anyone or anything, but I know that you feel. But you can't admit it to yourself. You've built a tower for your heart and you can't fathom the idea that someone could scale the walls to it."

"It's easier," she said quietly. "for me when I leave. And I always leave."

"But why, Bex? Why can't you just let yourself be happy!" He shook his head again. "I guess that's not my problem anymore though, is it. You made sure of that. So if you want to pretend that you don't care about anyone, go ahead. If you want to leave everyone behind, do it."

"I don't belong here, Eggsy," she insisted, her words begging him to understand. "Don't you see that I can't stay here?"

"You're right, Bex. You don't belong here. Because everyone here is fighting, and you're just running away. They're brave, but you- you are a coward."

"Eggsy-"

"Just run away, Bex. It's what you do best, isn't it?"

He refused to look her in the eyes. Something between them had broken. Bex felt him drifting, felt his absence like a gaping hole in her. She had made sure there was nothing left.

Her heart was a grave, and she had buried him.

───────

a quick note:

i'm so fuckin emo right now :')