34.2. Emperor's Nature - Part 2

It totally slipped my mind that I have that appointment with the psychologist Liana invited. I don't feel like going, not after what happened with Dubois, but Erik is deaf to my lame excuses.

"What will I talk about with him when I can't mention my telepathy?" I voice my biggest concern.

"You can start with the conflict within you about becoming the Celestial Emperor," Erik helps me on the way. There's only Miruel and Vermiel in the elevator so we can speak freely.

"Conflict?" they both look at me, alarmed. "Your Majesty, don't we serve you well?"

"Erik meant the burden of responsibility, stuff like that," I murmur, embarrassed because they're looking at me strangely, almost panicky.

"B-but you have us!" Miruel exclaims. "You have Her Excellency... the Royal Consort... and every Celestial will be eager to help. You're not alone in it."

"Thanks," I smile at her faintly for those encouraging words. "I'll surely need every guidance I can get. I just hope you won't regret your decision making me the Emperor."

"Decision?" Vermiel tilts his head and I can feel that I confused him. "There's nothing we could possibly decide. You're the strongest Celestial so it's natural you rightfully claimed the throne. I'd never answer to anyone else. Or do you think I'd serve just anybody?"

I study his determined expression as well as emotional resolution. He's not kidding. He's not role-playing. Just as Taranah, he means every word he says. And neither he, nor Miruel understand why I lack confidence when they both have absolute trust in me.

Reinforcements are already waiting for us when we step outside the elevator and join Miruel and Vermiel. Just a few weeks ago I'd frown at such arrangement—why do I need so many guards inside Liana's skyscraper?—but Draconians don't act exactly normal around their rulers. I don't want to repeat that incident with my ripped feather so I'm grateful for their presence.

In the end we don't pass that many people, I guess it's dinner time for most of them, but I still get too many stares and there're too many attempts to stop me on my way. Other races aren't that crazy but passing Celestials are just impossibly eager to stir a conversation with me or simply touch my wings.

It proves useful again that Miruel and Vermiel know my secret. They realise why I don't like being touched by strangers and try their hardest to divert everyone away. I try smiling at everyone but it must be totally cringy. Their emotions are too fluttered, too turbulent when they see me. It doesn't make me nauseous only because they're my fellow Draconians.

"Come in!" an enthusiastic voice invites us when we stand in front of the office that was transformed into the psychologist's new place and Vermiel knocks.

"H-hello," I say cautiously and step inside between Vermiel and Erik. The door is of regular size so I wouldn't fit in if I didn't fold my wings straight behind my back.

"Your Majesty," a man in his forties with sandy wings and graying short hair stands up and greets me with a sincere smile. He's wearing old-fashioned glasses which give him a really trustworthy look. "I'm honoured to have you as my patient. Please, sit down. Your partner can sit next to you if he takes the chair over there."

"Actually, I'll take that one," I go for the other chair which is much simpler and doesn't have a back rest.

"Oh, I see," he realises that I must be struggling with my wings when it comes to common human furniture because his wings are still quite small. He couldn't have been a high-level, even the mana capacity I feel from him is much smaller than, for instance, Taranah's.

I was half-expecting he would have one of those sofas one can see in any movie featuring a psychologist but I guess he didn't have time to order new furniture yet. Vermiel and Miruel go stand guard outside to give us privacy so we end up alone with the doctor.

"My name is Zetraya but I'm sure Erik already mentioned that?" the doctor starts and the vibe I'm catching from his so far is really pleasant.

"He did," I nod, anxious what to expect. I've never been to a psychologist, real ones are hellishly expensive. All my knowledge comes from movies and some free self-help apps I've been trying out in order to find ways how to battle my anxiety.

"I see that you're nervous, Your Majesty," Zetraya says kindly. "You don't have to be, everything is strictly confidential."

I nod again and hug Erik with my left wing. Zetraya is looking at me analytically, trying to read my body language no doubt. Erik is encouraging me, sending me tons of love and support. I take a deep breath and make a conscious choice to open up to him as much as I find possible at the moment.

"I... I have some issues with... ehm... self-confidence," I say, almost whispering. "I also think... that I might have... ehm... anxiety disorder... and I suffer from occasional panic attacks."

Did you say anything to him? I quickly ask Erik telepathically.

Of course not, we only talked about me accepting your longevity yesterday, he assures me.

"Your Majesty, are you extremely anxious right now?" the doctor leans forward.

"Y-yes," I look at my knees timidly.

"I'm asking because it seems your anxiety can manifest magically," he chews his lip and points around us.

I turn my head and notice that several objects in the room are levitating. I have to try hard to put them down because they resist me.

"Oh, I've actually noticed that before," Erik agrees. "Ryuu is using telekinesis spontaneously without thinking. It usually reacts to his unspoken wishes but he also does it when he's very nervous. Or when he's in pain. Like that time when you were levitating in your sleep, hon."

"Levitating in his sleep?" Zetrays pushes his glasses up to his nose. It's rare to see someone wearing glasses these days when laser operations are so quick and painless but they suit him. And right now he's endlessly curious about what he's just heard.

"I guess we never talked about it with anybody," Erik realises. "I vaguely recall I might have mentioned it to Julia when I was calling her for help but she must have forgot with all that was happening at that time."

"Spontaneous telekinesis and spontaneous levitation... fascinating!" Zetrays takes a note into his pad. "The rumours about you aren't exaggerating, Your Majesty."

"What does it have to do with my mental health?" I don't understand.

"Directly nothing, indirectly it's a great indicator of your mental state," the psychologist explains. "It seems rather harmless and cute right now but I'm afraid that when your abilities grow, so can these indicators."

"Are you trying to say I might become dangerous?" I'm taken aback and clutch Erik's hand.

"I'm just speculating at this point," he shakes his head. "Still, it just won't do to have our Emperor anxious. We have to do something about it and I think that's the reason why you came to find me."

"R-right," I carefully second that.

"Let's start by you telling me about your childhood," he leans back to his chair since his quite small wings still allow him to do so.

"What a classic thing to say," Erik can't help chuckling so I kick his leg.

A bit reluctantly at first, I start telling him my life story. I do omit that my Mom was a VR developer, I just say she was a programmer, and I don't mention my telepathy, of course, but otherwise I tell everything pretty accurately.

"It pains me to her that our Emperor was neglected as a child," Zetrays says sadly when I finish. "Thank you for entrusting me with this, Your Majesty. I won't disappoint your trust."

"So... do I get some exercise or something?" I ask with anticipation.

"Take a few deep breaths, your wings are shaking, Your Majesty," Zetraya points out.

"Oh, r-right," I notice only now that re-telling my life had a toll on me. I thought I was pretty detached but it's obvious that I wasn't at all.

Erik hugs me and keeps caressing my wings until they stop shaking.

"Your partner has evidently a very good influence on you," the psychologist observes.

"Too good," I add. "I'm afraid I'm totally dependent on him."

"Yes, I determined as much when Erik visited me yesterday," Zetraya agrees and tries not to make it sound too abnormal. "You're a typical case of co-dependency."

"And... how bad is that?" I swallow.

"I have to get to know you better to assess that," he says undecidedly. "But you don't seem to have all destructive sides of it. Couples who suffer from it often turn abusive but what I can see in your case is only obsessive love and separation anxiety."

Separation anxiety is most probably connected to your telepathy, Erik mentions in his thought. Too bad we can't tell him that.

Later... maybe...

"Your Majesty, we certainly can work on it," Zetraya is trying to give me some courage because I stayed silent. "Anyway, in our current situation, Erik is the best Royal Consort you could get. You'll need all the support and having and over-doting partner is a plus in your very specific case."

"H-huh," I'm not sure how to react to that so I simply nod.

It's hurtful to hear confirmed by an expert that our relationship isn't exactly healthy because I didn't want to admit it for a long time. But Erik indeed is the best partner I could wish for. And we can work on the rest, nobody's perfect.

"Let's leave it at that for today," Zetraya concludes. "You need to calm down, Your Majesty. Sharing your life story with me was already a big step in trust, considering I'm a stranger to you. I've already talked to your adjutant and Luviael is willing to give me two time slots a week."

"Willing?" Erik frows at that word. "And you find nothing fundamentally wrong with that as a psychologist?"

Zetraya ponders for a moment.

"I know what you're hinting at," he says slowly after long consideration. "The problem is that I'm trying to understand your human perspective, Erik, but I don't think like a human anymore. The Celestial Emperor belongs to his subjects. It's how it should be."

"Was the mental shift really that great?" Erik tilts his head.

"You have no idea, Royal Consort," Zetraya looks at me with a painful expression. "You have no idea how much I have to push myself right now to understand that our Emperor, the embodiment of magic itself, suffers from anxiety and low self-esteem. It's almost unthinkable for me. But the transformation didn't make me forget anything from my experience or education. I'm perfectly qualified to take care of His Majesty's mental health."

I'm relieved to hear that. I know for sure that I wouldn't be able to open up to any human psychologist. It's a small miracle for me that I'm able to withstand Julia's regular medical check-ups. I think it's because she helped me to get my wings out. Something like that bonds people for life.

I thank the doctor and leave his office, mentally totally drained.