68.3. A Golden Cage - Part 3

"I guess it makes sense... kind of?" Gotrid is the first to break the silence. "The Emperor is supposed to be our race's protector."

"Good to know, changes nothing," Erik insists. "If Ryuu can't use magic against his own people, he still should have told us."

"So His Majesty is defenceless when it comes to us?!" Vermiel asks to make sure, his voice tense. "Dammit, that changes everything, Royal Consort! I have to speak with Her Excellency immediately. Please, excuse me!"

Vermiel leaves in a hurry and Miruel takes his place. There's recognition in her eyes. Now she knows why I couldn't do anything. It wasn't just because I had a panic attack.

"Back to the topic," Zetraya says. "Your Majesty, why did you feel you couldn't tell us?"

"I... ehm...," I'm wavering. Why indeed?

"Did it maybe happen before?" Zetraya leans forward.

I want to say 'no', but that would be a blatant lie. I recall all those instances when someone groped me on the train and I couldn't call for help. Who would even come to my rescue? Anyone would help a woman but I was an androgynous man. Sure, certain types of gay men were totally into me, but to normal people, I was a freak.

"Not good," Gotrid grows pale when he catches a glimpse of my memories. "This is even worse than we thought, Erik."

"I had my suspicions," Erik replies darkly. "Ryuuto was repressing it all this time."

"Repressed trauma," Zetraya sighs deeply. "Thought so."

"How could they?" Gotrid pulls me to his chest. "Our Emperor is so beautiful. How could anyone look at our beloved and think he's a freak?"

"Humans are scared of what they don't understand," Zetraya comments. "Even before the Great Evolution, His Majesty looked human enough but, at the same time, not enough."

"Hey, I'm not an alien," I frown.

"But you weren't quite human from the very beginning either," Gotrid reminds me patiently. "Werden confirmed it, you didn't change from the human basis the same way we did."

"So you thought I'm an alien all this time?" I can't believe my ears.

"Well, not an alien from outer space," Erik tries to calm me down by petting my wings. "Something else. Something magical."

"I think you're so scared of hospitals because your mom conditioned you to never go there," Gotrid remarks. "They would find out you're not human immediately."

"I must be at least half-human because my Mom was," I say feebly.

"We know, hon, we know," Erik kisses my hair again and continues petting my wings.

"A self-acceptance issue," Zetraya summarises. "His Majesty felt out of place for so many years that he developed a burning wish to be normal."

"Which doesn't go exactly well with the whole Emperor business," Erik nods. "But, Ryuu, you know we adore you no matter what. It's all those peculiarities that make you unique."

I blush and hide my face in Gotrid's feathers. Yes, I know and that's part of the reason why I feel so stupid. I feel stupid that I still didn't come to terms with it despite everyone around me being so loving and understanding.

"These things take time, it's been barely half a year since the Great Evolution," Zetraya says. "His Majesty did a lot of self-development work already, especially after New York where he gained confidence. But he still isn't quite there yet."

"I never wished for you to be normal, Ryuu," Erik tickles me under my feathers and makes me turn to him instead. "I never wished for our relationship to be normal either. Sure, they are some annoying things involved, but, overall, I'm more than happy."

"You don't feel trapped in a golden cage?" I whisper.

"This is a golden cage," he doesn't try to deny it. "But I don't feel trapped. Oh, Ryuu, there are so many new exciting things to discover, why do you cling to the past?"

"A habit?" I shrug.

"His Majesty never got to do normal things the normal way, that's why he longs for it," Zetraya explains. "Also, and that's a miracle for a Celestial, he doesn't have any of our tragic pride. Moreover, he's an introvert, so he doesn't enjoy all the attention."

"Not a very good combination for the Emperor," I sigh.

Zetraya looks at me as if I've just said something incredibly stupid.

"Your Majesty!" he shakes his head in disbelief. "On the contrary! Can't you see that it's the best combination ever for the Celestial Emperor?"

"It is?" I widen my eyes, astonished. "How so?"

"Only someone like you can keep our negative racial tendencies in check," he explains patiently. "We're well aware of our vices, so we consider ourselves twice as lucky to have you leading us. It's not only about you being the embodiment of magic; we adore you for who you are."

"Oh," I blush again and some of that anxiety I've been feeling dissolves.

"The fact that you can't use magic against your own people just reflects your love for us," Zetraya continues. "However, you shouldn't be afraid to scold us for our own good. You already did that and it worked like a charm, remember? I wasn't present, but I heard."

"In that forest during the conference," Gotrid reminds me. "You used telepathy to convey your annoyance with our behaviour. Feel free to do that again."

"You need to learn how to express your feelings and wishes, honey," Erik supports it wholeheartedly. "I think that if you just send them your disappointment and sadness, they'll try to do better next time."

I think about it for a long moment. Can I really? Won't I be selfish by doing so? Can I allow myself to care about my emotional well-being for once?

"Of course, you can, silly," my partners start to laugh.

"We want you to be happy, every Celestial wants you to be happy and protected," Gotrid says.

"I'm protected way too much," I huff.

"We realise that, Your Majesty," it's Miruel and not Zetraya who replies. "We know that we're constraining you a lot and we're really sorry because it makes you miserable and we hate to see our Emperor miserable. But we have to. You know we do."

"I know," I shiver. "I should start acting more like the Emperor I am."

"Instead of mourning what you lost, how about you start actively celebrating what's to discover, Your Majesty?" Zetraya suggests. "It pains us to see that our embodiment of magic is hesitant to use magic just because you don't want to look too godly in our eyes. Which is totally futile anyway because we already see you as divine."

"Eh... what?" I don't quite understand again. Just how dense am I?

Cutely dense, Erik comments in his mind, amused.

"So it's still mainly subconscious," Zetraya pats his chin as someone who was used to having a beard but lost it after the transformation because Celestials don't grow facial hair.

"For starters, how about showing your subjects what you think of their behaviour?" Gotrid gives me a hint.

I consider it for a moment and I think I can start with that. After all, I don't want to feel anxious every time some Celestial comes too close. I need to clearly state my boundaries and I need to do it myself.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then I focus on reaching all Celestials in the skyscraper at the same time. I convey my annoyance and disappointment without any sugarcoating, but, in the end, I also add my love. I want Celestials to know that I love my race unconditionally.

"I think we get the message, hon," Gotrid tickles my wing to make me stop. "Gosh, you made even me feel guilty for a second and I'm your lawful husband."

"Sorry," I open my eyes again. "It would be too difficult to exclude specific Celestials. I wasn't too strict, was I?"

"Reasonably strict," he assures me. "What do you think, Zetraya?"

"Perfect," the psychologist is shaking a bit but looks content. "Celestials are desperate to get into your good graces, Your Majesty, so making them feel your disappointment should work like a charm."

"Don't be afraid to express your needs more often, okay, honey?" Erik implores me.

"Can I express my need right now?" I ask, eager to test that instantly.

"Go ahead," Erik encourages me.

"I really really really want to fly right now, not in the afternoon," I tell them my wish.

"Miruel? Can it be done?" Gotrid turns to the Guard Captain. "I know it's not on the schedule right now, but the Emperor has sore wings and today's agenda has been cancelled anyway."

"If you give us twenty minutes, it can be done," she nods and runs off to take care of the necessary preparations.

"Ask and you'll be given," Erik winks at me. "When will it finally get through your cute but thick head that you have all perks of the real Emperor? It's nice to be modest, but you're overdoing it."

"I feel bad that you can't come with me," I bite my lip. "You're locked up in the skyscraper, even more confined than I am."

"Yes, it's excruciating," Erik burst out laughing. "I'll be pitying myself while waiting for your return—when I sit on the balcony of our luxurious apartment, sipping organic coffee, eating cookies made by our own personal chef and thinking about what kind of brand suit and watch I'd like to buy next."

I can't help it and finally brighten up. That's certainly an angle I've never considered before.

"Okay, point taken," I give in. "You're not suffering."

"Not in the slightest," he assures me.

"I see I'm not needed anymore," Zetraya concludes. "Still, I'd like to see you more regularly, Your Majesty. There are still a few topics to cover and you've been avoiding me recently. The only person who came to me willingly was Lord Erik."

"You did?!" I look at Erik in amazement. "I thought you didn't want a Celestial psychologist."

"I needed to work on my jealousy issue, didn't I?" he points out, a bit uncomfortable that Zetraya mentioned it. "Besides, a human psychologist wouldn't understand our complicated situation. I opened up to Zetraya eventually. It's probably all thanks to him that I was able to accept Gotrid so readily."

"Doc!" I'm deeply moved. "I didn't know, thank you! If you want my blessing or whatever you mean to call it, I'll gladly give it to you. I think Liana plans to make it an honorary reward anyway. Let's test if that works. I'm so happy right now that I'm willing to give it a shot."

"Well, I won't be modest and say no out of politeness," Zetraya grins. "I would be lying if I said that I don't want your blessing, Majesty."

I stand up and Zetraya quickly stands up as well. I stretch my right wing to him and when our feathers touch, it feels natural and pleasant because I want to do it, not because I'm forced into it. I smile and give him my blessing. I still don't quite agree with calling it like that but so be it.

"Thank you, Your Majesty, it indeed is the highest honour," his eyes get teary and he leaves in an exalted mood.

"Hon, let's go change into our sporty robes," Gotrid takes my hand and leads me to our walk-in closet. He's as excited about the flight as I am.

When we appear on the balcony, I find Erik comfortably sitting in an armchair, sipping his favourite organic coffee and reading a book. I kiss him to say goodbye for a little while and also check up on his feelings. I'm happy to discover that he's perfectly content.

I patiently wait for the guards to fly up and take a position before I'm allowed to stretch my wings. I fly around the skyscraper several times, trying to see it in a different light. It's not a golden cage, it's my home. My safe haven, not a prison. Erik is there, my beloved.

As the Celestial Emperor, there are a lot of things I can't do anymore. But there are also a lot of things I can do, like making a difference in the world and learning more about my heritage and magic. That realisation fills me with hope and newfound joy. And I have an idea. It just comes to me out of the blue.

I take a deep breath of fresh air and try to consciously relax my body, letting go of lingering anxiety. I can do this. I might be constrained from the outside, but I don't have to feel constrained inside. I don't have to be afraid of expressing myself. I don't have to keep my magic bottled in fear that my power makes me less approachable.

I let mana pour out of my wings and take another deep breath. Being the embodiment of magic makes me also the embodiment of our main racial element—the air. I turn to the air for support as I flap my wings mightily and shoot up like a rocket. My brain gets overrun with dopamine when I realise that I finally did it. I achieved my divine Emperor speed in real life.