Chapter 51: Front Men Jump To Conclusions

Leed

The Universe grows old and dies, while we make nice in this farmhouse kitchen.

Forever, man. That's how long we shoot the shit.

Bodie and Trace stuffing their faces full of diabetes, talking to the Rev. Me charming the sisters, of course.

This is not my scene, dealing with the Mama's and the Papa.

Normally I'd have already bailed. I'd rather be out on the lawn in some serious swing-set action with the kids. Especially since, I'm kinda feeling the fun again. Lotsa little squirts that I can shake up like soda bottles? Watch 'em explode with pure glee? Hand 'em back to their parents when they get weepy, sleepy, bleedy, needy?

That's my gig. Leed Lawson, squirt-stirrer.

But not today.

Today, there's something else drawing my fire.

I'm worried about Mac. Not like before...not the overbearing don't-fuck-with-my-sister-cause-she's-traumatized worried.

I'm worried she's had a rough time and that I've been missin' it while I've been lost in my own drama. That she's been carrying a burden. That she and Adam have been at odds about that burden. That's maybe that burden is why she's been so back and forth with Adam. The fights, the staying in my suite. Her moods swings, the differences in her.

My baby girl. I wasn't there when she needed me.

Not there for Adam, either. I think he's in a bad way, too. I've never seen him like he is today...completely wrecked. Wrecked to the point of physically sick. Normally, that guy's got more do-what-you-have-to-do than Trace and me combined.

Not today. Today, a four-month old put him under.

God, I love my sister. So much. But I warned Adam.

She ain't tame.

How could I not see it? I see it clearly now.

Now that it's all over, apparently.

The Rev jolts me from thoughts, slapping me on the back and suggesting we all join the kiddos outside. As people move to follow his lead, I grab Trace by the arm.

"Huddle," I say casually. All SCIC ears perk up. "Just the band, no biggie," I say to Riley. I give Tamara and Ben a slow nod and smile. Everyone follows the Rev. Everyone trudges out on the back deck and down into the yard, disappearing to the back lawn that slopes toward the natural, tree-covered shore-line of the lake that abuts the Heartley's property. Everyone except Trace, Bodie and me. We stay on the back deck.

I grip the railing and stare beyond the lawn filled with people, beyond the trees, to the sun glistening on the lake. It makes me think of Ashlynn,of how her warm comfort is still wrapped around me. I'm pretty sure I need to be paying that comfort forward to Mac. And Adam.

"What's up?" Bodie asks, as he beats a pattern on the railing. He's probably consumed a pound of sugar since I've been here.

I lean backwards on the deck rail. "Remember that day Tamara told us in the band meeting about the baby?"

"Hard to forget," Bodie agrees."What about it?"

"Afterward, we were on the balcony and the conversation bled over to Mac and Adam," I turn to Trace, "I told Adam not to get Mac pregnant. You said they had a false alarm. When?"

"Uhhh...right then." Trace looks suddenly wary. "Why?"

"What exactly did Adam say that made you think it was a false alarm?"

Trace has caught my vibe, and pushes off the wall, crossing his arms with his legs apart. His ready-for-anything-stance. "Why?" he asks again.

"What.Did.He.Say?"

Trace stares into the distance. "He told me they had a slip-up in Atlanta. Condom broke. When I got back on tour in Virginia, I asked him if she took a test. He never really answered. He just said we'd probably be getting Riley's alert about her period."

"Yeah, we don't get those anymore." Bodie's tapping out a distracted rhythm. "Awwwwww, shit!" he shouts, realization coming. " Are you sayin'—"

"Shssssh!" I hiss, jerking my head at the lawn of people.

Trace is swearing softly. "Adam is super tense all the time. He won't let her ride on his bike. She sleeps all day on the bus. She got all new clothes for performances, did you notice? Looser clothes. I saw her eat a fucking cheeseburger. And fries. Goddamn, how didn't we see?"

"The fucking paps saw. Those pictures Marcy bought," Bodie says under his breath. "They cost so much because they were baby bump pics, not gained-a-few-pounds-pics. Christ. Mac's having a baby." Bodies shakes his dreads skyward in disbelief, then bears down on me with his glare. "That's what you're saying, right?"

"You guys are getting ahead of yourselves," I say calmly.

"Right, right." Trace says. "This is just speculation. So who's gonna ask Adam?"

"Not it," Bodie steps back.

Trace raises his eyebrows to me. I shake my head. "That's not what I mean when I say you guys are getting ahead of yourselves," I qualify. I hesitate. Fuck it. I started this. I have to finish it. "I don't think Mac is pregnant."

I pull a small rectangular object from my pocket. It looks like an unappetizing piece of brown gummy candy, but that's not what it is. "When Mac dropped her purse, a tin of these fell out of it."

This object of familiar to all of us. "Mac's doing edibles?" Trace says.

"This isn't just a marijuana edible. It's marijuana and more," I explain. "I've told you guys that my mom is basically married to another chic, right? The doctor lady named Sidney? She got my mom clean, trained her to be a mid-wife? Sidney runs the mid-wife school on Utopia?"

They both nod. They've heard the story. "Well, Sidney makes these edibles. They have a little THC, but other stuff, too. Valerian, which is kind of a natural sedative. Plus some kind of herbal pain stuff. It's her own special blend. She calls it Twilight."

"What's it for?" Trace asks.

"Relief during procedures. Procedures that are going to cause pain."

Bodie takes it out of my hand and sniffs it. "Okay, so she gave them to Mac? That's what you are saying? That Sidney the Doctor Lady treated Mac in Utopia? I'm confused. What for?"

"Sidney wouldn't give these to a pregnant lady. She's down with a little recreational weed, but she's a responsible doctor. Some of the herbal stuff in these might not be good for a developing baby. She was always real strict about keeping these out of the birth center. But she does use them in the clinic. A lot. I know because I used to swipe them from there. Twilight is great for sleeping off a bad trip."

"Clinic, you say?" Trace is finally taking my meaning. "You mean...the abortion clinic at Utopia?"

I nod. "Yeah. Sidney is a very compassionate doctor. Most doctors don't medicate patients seeking abortion, but she administers edibles to ease the procedure. It's not a pleasant thing to go through."

Trace nods swiftly, and shoves his hands in his pockets, pacing the deck as he thinks. Bodie stares out into the yard at Tamara.

Trace halts. "Leed, I...I think you might be right. "Adam was...wrung out at the thought that Mac might be pregnant. Then he just...shut down. Now, they both seem...devastated."

"That's true. Never seen Adam like this," Bodie murmurs.

"Yeah." I have to say it, put the words out there. "I'm thinking Mac might have had an abortion this morning."

"Why would she wait this long?" Trace says.

I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe they just couldn't decide what to do. Maybe because of her PTSD being worse lately. Maybe..." I grip the railing, nodding at Tamara, "maybe she sees what the baby drama with Tam is putting Soundcrush through-but really, what I'm putting you all through over it. Maybe all the stupid shit we've said about the Madam not messing up our gig. Maybe she wanted Sidney to do it, because she trusts her, and it was the first chance Mac could get to Utopia. Maybe she was waiting for this break to recuperate and heal. Maybe all of it, combined."

Bodie shakes his head. "Guys, I'm sorry...I...I don't see Adam being cool with this. I just don't see it."

"Does he seem cool?" Trace asked. "He damn near took my head off just for teasing Mac. Then he lost his shit when his sister made him hold her kid. And anyway...it wouldn't be his choice, would it? One thing I know about Adam, he loves Mac. He'd support her decision, even if he hurt over it."

Bodie looks out at the yard full of kids again. "You could be wrong about this, you know. She could be pregnant, and keeping it. Your mom's a mid-wife, right? Maybe she went to see her mom because she's pregnant, and gonna have a baby. It's not just Adam that loves Mac. Mac loves him like fucking crazy, these days."

"Yeah, she does" Trace agrees. "But that doesn't mean they are ready for a kid. If Kat were to get pregnant...I...I wouldn't want that for her yet, exactly because I love her like fucking crazy. I want her to have it all. Especially the freedom to choose her life. Not have her life rearranged in a way she didn't choose."

"I could be wrong, sure." I agree. "But the evidence. Adam's wrecked. Mac is...vulnerable. Not at all like herself. And she has Sidney's abortion drugs in her purse. Not to mention...nobody's exactly making happy announcements, are they? If she were pregnant...Christ, she'd be three months by now, right?"

Bodie blows out a long breath. "You're right about that, I guess. They would have come in with joy, not tears. So what do we do? Should we try to get them to talk about it? We can't have something this big between them, and Soundcrush not feel it. We're a family."

Trace and I stare at each other. He shakes his head. "Your call, brother. She's your sister. We play this like you want."

I watch Adam's family spreading across the lawn. ""This is not the place to get into it. If I'm right...it's too raw. Let's give them some time and space. No bullshit this weekend. No confrontations, no interventions, no interrogations. Just love."

Bodie taps his fist down on the rail hard. Three times. "You right. That's the only play. Just love 'em through it." He puts out a hand, like we always do before a show. I slap mine on top. Trace puts his in.

"Madam," Trace says.

"Madam," Bodie and I echo.

We break. Almost immediately, I see those two little snitches from earlier, behind the curtains blowing in the open doorway. They are stuffing cookies in their mouths before they go out to join their army of brothers and sisters. I blink, trying to re-orient my thinking about them. They're just kids, not snitches. Ain't their fault they are being raised like this.

"Hey guys. Whatcha do for fun around here?" I ask them.

"We go fishin' off the dock," the taller one says with a grin. The other one says. "If a grown-up comes, we can use the john-boat."

Inspiration strikes. "Yeah? You take me out fishin' tomorrow? We can use whatever words we want in the boat. I won't tell."

"Cool." They grin and scamper down the deck stairs, probably to go brag to their cousins. I tell the guys, "They ratted me and Mac out for swearing to Adam's sister, and she gave Adam a hard time. Payback is a bitch, Janie. I'm gonna invent cuss words to torture her."

Bodie and Trace crack up. Eventually they quiet, and Bodie says, "You seem better, man. At peace. You made a decision?"

I smile at him. He doesn't know. Neither does Trace. "Decision's been made for me. Ben took a paternity test. It ain't his. That means, I'm a dad. The only thing I get to decide, is what kind I'm going to be."

Trace shocks the hell out of me, by launching himself at me, hugging me fiercely as he beats the shit out of my back. He pulls back, looking up at the couple of inches I have on him. "A goddamn decent one. I know that, man. No fucking doubt."

That means a fucking lot. "Thanks, brother."

Bodie quirks his head. "Hold up. If we are practically brothers, and Tam and I are cousins, what does that make me to your kid?"

I shrug. "Godparent, maybe? I don't know. I have to talk to Tam about that."

"You plannin' to start talking to her again?" Bodie asks. Our eyes travel to her. She looks like an angel sitting on a wide wooden swing hung from a massive tree. One of her hands is on the rope, one hand on her belly, as Ben pushes her.

"Yeah. Not tonight. I know she and Ben haven't seen each other in a few weeks. They need their time. But yeah, I'm gonna get right with Tam. I miss her. We were always friends, first. We're gonna need to be friends. Forever."

Bodie grips my shoulder hard. "Fucking glad to hear that, man."

Trace comes to the rail to stand beside Bodie. "Damn. Shit's changing. Madam is for real, I think. And you're gonna be a dad."

It seems important to tell them. "You know...Mac knows about my kid. Tam confided in her. Mac's the one that told me, weeks and weeks ago. Whatever choice she might have made, she made it knowing about my son."

"That's good." Bodie says. He grips Trace by the neck. "Just you and me now, brother. Rock stars til the end."

"That's right," a teasing voice says behind us. "Trace is a big bad rock star...til the very end of his boyfriend leash."

"Little Sister!" I roar and toss Trace out of the way as I beat him to claiming her. I snatch Kat up and swing her around. Her short baby blue dress flares around her. "I haven't gotten my hug," I tease.

It's for her, not really for me. My tank is full. There's no sunshine in her hug, anyway. More like...a fragrant, shadow- striped summer evening, rising with fireflies and mischief. Yeah, she's a perfect partner-in-crime for Trace.

Shadow-lovely girl for a shady motherfucker.

"At least you aren't sweaty. Ugggh, put me down Leed, you're making me dizzy!" she cries on my fourth or fifth circle with her.

I plop her down, she sways. Trace laughs while catches her. Her dark hair flies into Trace's face as she comes to rest. He slowly rakes her hair away. Reluctant. Not, not just reluctant. Loathe. Loathe to remove any part of Kat from his mouth.

Goddamm. Trace would actually eat Kat's hair by choice, if it wouldn't spoil her shiny dark locks. Damn. Del Marco has it beyond bad.

He is so fucked.

No way would I eat Ashlynn's hair. But I might nibble her gorgeous jawline. And suck her long graceful fingers. And lap that sexy sexy notch at the base of her neck where her collarbones come together. No question, I would bite her sweet, tight ass. And that's all before the really tasty parts...

I clear my throat and crack my neck. What the fuck was that? Fucking fantasy that goes nowhere, that's what that was. Ash and I are friends. Cause Trace and Ash were married. Shit ain't happening. The kiss was just a comfort. A moment in time.

"Damn, Leed. I'm so drunk now," Kat giggles.

"That was the plan, Little Sister," I tease her. "Gettin' you a head start. I don't think you'll be served at dinner tonight, even with your fake ID. LA and Heartley territory are different worlds."

"Don't worry, Kitty," Trace consoles her. "Imma bout to tilt your world. You're gonna be whirlin', no booze required."

"Where do you think this Tilt-A-Whirl is taking place? Adam is puking in your room; Mac is sniffling in mine—" she puts up a hand to me. "She's okay...I sat with her, talked to her. It's just lack of sleep and a shitty start here. That's all. I convinced her to sleep, only by promising to send one of you guys to hang with Adam."

"Not it," Trace says immediately as he wraps his arms around Kat from behind, and runs his nose along the length of her shoulder.

"Trace, he's your best friend," Kat scolds, reaching up to run her fingers through the top of his perfectly styled rock star hair. She turns her face to his and smiles like she's the luckiest girl on earth to be up next to him.

Blinding, the way they absorb each other. It's like they were made only to see one another.

"He has two other best friends, and I don't see either of them with their one true Hellkat in their hands, like me," he presses words against her throat and she sighs.

He's right.

No Hellkat in my hands. Just a brush with heaven's light, today.

I realize I'm staring at Kat. I never really noticed before...she and Ashlynn look so much alike. Ashlynn's beauty is just fairer and finer, her whole form a little more elongated, more pleasing in its ethereal grace. To me. I guess I can see why Trace seems to prefer the honeyed, compact, earthier version.

It's not just about their looks. Their personalities fit their beauty.

He likes the ninja. I dig the elf.

Wait.

Wait.

I like Ashlynn. But I can't really like Ashlynn, can I? Growing up next door, Trace claimed both the Ash and Kat models. Fuck, he called dibs on the whole Ballard line.

Not fair, but that's just the way it is.

"I'll check on Adam," I offer, suddenly needing to be anywhere Trace and Kat are not. Bodie hauls me back by the shoulder. "I got him," he says, low in my ear. "Adam might need...not you."

I nod. He's probably right. People underestimate Bodie, but he's got a feel for keepin' it even.

Adam does not need me—the reluctant Baby-Daddy. Not right now.

Bodie goes. I remain. And suffer. Trace and Kat are practically dry humping. I look around, eager to see anything but a Ballard Sister's surrender.

One of Adam's brothers-in-law stomps up the deck steps, sweating.

Sweating means thirsty. I jump on him.

"You look like a dude who knows where they keep the Jack."

He curls his hand foreword in a homie handshake. "You're Leed, right?"

I grab onto his hand like a fucking life raft.

"Shit, man. Too many of y'all. My bad. I forgot your name."

"Tyler." He says with an assured nod. He jerks his head. "Whiskey this way."

I'm on his heels as he strides through the door. He doesn't have to tell me twice.