Chapter 26: Bad Girls Punch Rock Stars

Mac

About an hour into the bus ride, I'm deep into some new lyrics—doing what my therapist says and trying to work out my conflicted feelings with songwriting—when Dawes wanders down the tour bus aisle. I ease my lyric book closed and shove it underneath me as he claims the other end of the couch. We smirk at each other.

I know that Adam—and Trace—both think Dawes is a conscienceless asshole, and want him gone. I'm a bit more pragmatic. If we want to do what we do—live for the music and our passion—then people like Dawes have to do what they do—take care of the business that we artists don't want to know about.

They think Dawes is despicable, but I think he's just a slightly less noble Riley twenty years on. A more jaded secret-keeper than Riley, who lost his code along the way. The same black spiky hair. The same unreadable set to their mouths. The difference is in the eyes. Riley has a kind, mischievous spark. Dawes' eyes calculate coldly.

But maybe I think these things because I'm just as bad as Dawes. Don't they say, like attracts like?

I'm not sure. I just know, me and Dawes, we can deal.

After a long moment of sharking each other with dark looks, Dawes says, "You gonna keep Heartley, this time?"

I lift one shoulder. "I would be a fool not to."

"Yeah," he grins, "but we both know you are the Queen of Stupid Shit." He makes a choking gesture at his throat. I watch him calmly, and I feel nothing. I have triggers, but Dawes's bullshit is not one of them. I smile. I won't give him the satisfaction of anything else.

"Not this time."

We sit in silence for a couple minutes.

"He wants to push me out," Dawes says abruptly. "You with him on that?"

"Probably," I confess. "Nothing personal. Just...you know. Adam is nice. And a fucking good lay." And a guy I could stay with. And my baby-daddy. But you don't need to know that shit, Dawsie.

Dawes nods amiably. Then he pulls out his phone. He thumbs a rapid series. My phone pings with several alerts.

"Check these tracks I just sent you. DevBlue is the one. The fit for your songwriting style. You love Soundcrush...I get it. But if they love you half as much, then they won't mind giving you a little room to move, will they?" Half of his mouth curls up. "And remember who looks out for your career, MacKenna. Because it's not Trace. Or Leed. Or even Adam."

"Get the fuck on, Dawes, I'm tryna write a song," I smile genially.

He pushes off the couch. "Do yourself a favor, Mac. Listen, and then call DevBlu."

I look at my phone. Dawes has sent me three tracks and Dev's contact information.

I don't need the tracks. The truth is—I've already checked DevBlu out—but not for professional reasons. I Googled him, and looked at every picture of him I could find—all the ones with piercings and all the ones without. At first, his piercings made my heart beat fast and my skin prickle. But I was on a mission to desensitize myself to his appearance.

I didn't like being caught off guard like that. I can't be head trippin' every time DevBlu blips up on my radar. He's signed to the same label as Soundcrush. It's highly likely I might run into him again, and I'll be damned if it will send me into another flashback.

I studied Dev's pictures for days—until I felt nothing about his piercings. He actually looks nothing like the choke fucker, so that helped me get past the piercings more easily.

In the course of studying him, some of the images I looked at were videos. I like his music. A lot. He's good. He writes his own stuff, and his songs have a timeless quality. The rhythms he uses in his singing and his rap—I could listen to his songs for more than a minute. I don't always say that about every new artist that breaks out in the pop industry.

But I won't give Dawes the satisfaction of listening to these tracks right now. Plus, I see Tamara has finished her phone call, and she looks teary-eyed again. I go sit beside her, and put her an arm around her. She wraps herself in my arms. "I don't get it—how you can be with me on this," she whispers. "But I'm so glad, because I really need a friend."

I just hug her tight. Honestly, I don't get it either. I guess it's because I've finally opened myself up to Adam, and I understand now, how valuable and rare love is. Tamara deserves her shot at that. No matter how it's going to affect the Soundcrush Inner Circle.

It was a short bus ride this morning. We are at the hotel before 11. Every couple of weeks on tour, we have an extended meeting, where we review the upcoming venues and schedule for press events, PR issues, crew concerns, the promoter stuff, equipment and tech stuff—all the business end.

When the label execs and promoters have signed off the conference call, we wrap up with a more informal band meeting, where we recap frankly among the five of us. All of the Soundcrush Inner Circle, the techs, PA's, even Dawes and Marcy, know they can stay behind and bring the smaller, or more personal issues to the table. This is the time we wade into the shit if we need to. It will be at a meeting just like this, that Adam and I announce Babycakes, eventually.

But there are other announcements to be made today.

The first part goes fine. The mood around Trace's large suite is relaxed. The label and promoters are thrilled with Madam—the tour was already sold out, but song downloads and merchandise sales skyrocketed after we came out officially. Marcy has some new branding offers on the table for the two of us. Adam and I pick and choose...doesn't matter much to us, honestly. I do find it amusing when Adam passes on a condom endorsement with a straight face a dismissive head shake, and avoids looking at me entirely. I have to retreat to the kitchen area for a bottle of water so people don't seem me smile.

Then we bring Andy, a couple of the lead techs, Riley, Tamara, and a few others in for the more technical aspects of the meeting. No issues with upcoming venues are raised. We talk a little about crew arrangements for Adam's big birthday bash. The Heartley's will be hosting the band at their large farmhouse, Dawes and Riley are making nearby hotel and shuttle arrangements for the crew. Adam reminds Andy and the techs to make sure the whole crew knows that alcohol will be in abundance, but marijuana and other drugs are not welcome on the family farm.

Just as the meeting is breaking up, our security guy Ben Sullivan slips into the room. He hasn't been around in the last few weeks, but he looks just the same...sandy blonde sex on a stick. Just a tiny bit leaner than his usual muscley-self, maybe a little bit tanner too. SoCal does that.

Trace sees him at once and rises, his face lit with emotion for the first time during the meeting. "What are you doing here, man? Is Kat here?" Trace looks hopeful.

"No, man." Ben puts his hands up, shakes his head with regret. "She's in LA. She's all good, got some art exhibit charity thing tonight."

"I know," Trace says irritability. "So what are you doing here?"

"I've got some stuff to bring to the table," he shrugs, "Tamara told me about the meeting, so I caught a quick flight."

"That's not what I mean," Trace says with an edge to his voice. "Why are you here, when  you should be securing Kat at her public appearance tonight?"

Ben sighs. "Trace, we've been through this. I can't work twenty-four seven to protect your girl. I'm building her a detail. I've got a guy on it, tonight."

"It's just...I haven't met these guys you've hired..."

"They are good. Ex-army. From my unit. My brothers. I trust them, like you trust yours," Ben casts a meaningful glance around to Adam, Bodie—lingering on Leed. "It comes down to, do you trust my judgment?"

Trace gives a slow but definite nod. "Yeah. I do."

There's an awkward pause, where everyone looks between Ben and Tamara, who are the only ones in the room besides the five band members, now. Tamara is looking up at Ben, and I think she's going to cry again. Leed is giving Ben the lion stare, and then he looks at Tamara and gets that pissed off smile that guys get when they are holding back.

Trace clears his throat, "So, what up's Ben? Is Kat giving you trouble?" Trace gestures for Ben to sit down. Ben takes a seat beside Tamara.

Ben grins, "Well, she's pretty resistant, actually. Worse than you, Mac," he nods at me. I put my hand on my chest and bat my eyes with the What, me? expression and Ben chuckles. "But because of that, I definitely think I need to manage her detail personally, to help bring her along. The best protective situation is when the principle willingly aids in their own security."

Trace frowns. "I know she's a HellKat to deal with..."

Ben waves it away, "We'll get her head where it needs to be with regards to her safety. It's just taking a little longer than I'd like. To be perfectly honest, it's your brother's fault. Matt doesn't force security on Street because Street usually doesn't get recognized as a celebrity. When Street goes out with his sisters, he waves off their security, too. Matt tolerates it, because nothing bad has ever happened. So your brother is trying to do the same with me and my guys, when Kat goes clubbing with them. But we don't work for him, and I've told him so."

Trace's Lucifer eyebrows look murderous. He's got his phone out in a flash. "I'll get Street on the line and handle that shit right now."

Ben holds up a quelling hand. "Let me and my guys play bad cop, ok? He grew up with a famous dad. It's not easy. His attitude is typical for a celebrity's kid. Street del Marco's unhappy frowns are nothing my guys can't handle, I promise you. You be good cop, ok? He's your brother, man. Be cool."

Trace cracks his neck, and nods slowly. He puts his phone on the table and puts his rock star face back on. "Alright, then. Thanks for letting me know, Ben." He looks around at us, "That it? We good?"

"Trace, Ben didn't come for that..." Tamara says and smiles at Ben.

He reaches for her hand, and stops, turning it over. He rubs her bare ring finger, and smiles ruefully. "We wanted to tell you guys together," He looks at Leed. "I've asked Tamara to marry me, and she said yes."

In my peripheral vision I see Bodie jumping up to hug Tamara and clap hands with Ben, and Trace doing the same, somewhat less enthusiastically. Adam is nodding at Ben, already having congratulated Tamara, because we've known for weeks. I'm being a rude-ass I guess, because I'm not offering congrats. I'm watching Leed's face.

He was looking out the window, like he expected it. But now he smiles easily, and rises to meet Tamara, replacing Bodie, drawing her into his arms. "Thrown over for a war hero." He grins down at her, smoothing her hair. Tamara can't look him in the eye.

"Tam? It's all good, baby. Congratulations," Leed says warmly, still embracing her.

Tamara is taking a deep breath. For a second I think she's just going to chicken out and accept his congratulations.

Ben gently extricates her from Leed's embrace, wrapping his arm around her. "Listen...thanks for the well-wishes, but there's something else." He gestures for everybody to sit.

"You wanna scale back on Kat's detail and come back on tour," Trace says dryly.

Ben nods solemnly. "That's part of it, yeah."

Trace cracks his neck again and crosses his arms as he pushes back in this seat. "Ben, man...I need you out there with Kat, at least for awhile. You're the only guy that I trust. I can appreciate that you want to be together, Tam, I really do..." he smiles at her. "Hell half the time I think about blowing these cats and the whole gig off ,just so I can be with Kat all the time...but we've got jobs to do, yeah?" He looks between Ben and Tamara. His tone is mild but his meaning is clear. They might be Soundcrush Inner Circle, but they still take a paycheck from us, and he expects them to do their job, like he does his. "The tour isn't forever. We'll all be back in LA in seven or eight months...we can all last that long, right?" he wheedles.

Tamara is squeezing Ben's hand, looking at Trace. "Well, that's the thing, Trace. We aren't planning a long engagement. We're getting married in the fall, and I'm not going on the European leg, because..." she smiles overly bright, "I'm pregnant, and the baby is due a little after Thanksgiving."

Surprised chuckles break from Trace and Bodie, but not from me and Adam, because we already knew. The minute I told Tamara about my pregnancy, she broke down into hysterics and told me that she'd been keeping hers secret...for months. For good reason.

Bodie is saying, "Hell yeah, another baby Jameson! Shit, what did Auntie Vie say?" as he squeezes Tam tight.

Trace is quieter, but putting on the rock star cool and slapping Ben's hand in congrats. "Fuck man, family times. Congrats. I guess that changes shit. We'll see what we can work out."

I'm still watching Leed, waiting for it.If he doesn't ask, I'm not sure Tamara will ever tell him...I think he's going to let it go, but then he turns around from the balcony doors, and his expression...well there's a reason we call him the Lion. Leed, the lazy cat who prefers to sun on a rock nearly most of his life, turns ferocious when he has a territory to defend.

"Tamara," he says with deadly calm as he opens the balcony door. "Can I talk to you a minute? In private?"

Tamara puts her hand in Ben's, and sits deliberately down on the sofa. Ben sits with her, but he is rigid—and it's easy to see his military training straining in every muscle.

"No, Lee-Lee, I think...I think it's better if everything is said here in front of everybody. We're family...me and Bodie and you and Mac, and it effects Trace and Adam, too, because of our working relationships..."

Leed nods. His glance flits to Ben...then back to Tamara. "You sure you want it to be like this? Cause I have to ask..."

"I don't know, Leed," she says quietly. "I think it's Ben's," she squeezes his hand. "But he already knows, there's a small chance, you could be the father."

"I am the father," Ben assures her. "We're going to be a family. Doesn't matter who the sperm donor is..."

"Maybe it fucking matters to me," Leed snaps at Ben, but his voice is calmer when he speaks to Tamara. "Tamara, how small of a chance are we talking about?"

She nods. "You know how they take pictures of the baby with an ultrasound? They take measurements of the baby's size when they do that..."

"Yeah, my mother is a mid-wife, remember?" Leed is irritated but trying to stay calm.

"I forgot," Tamara says softly. "The baby is not as big as they expect from the dates I figured. By the dates, it seems like Ben is the father. But I'm not 100% sure, and the measurements...they match up to a week later...mid February..."

"That night you were my date to the Grammy's," Leed guesses. "That last time we were together..."

Tamara nods stiffly. She can't look at Leed or Ben right now, she's bowing her head. Ben catches her chin, forces her to meet his eyes. "It's okay. We've been over this a dozen times. I already told you, it's okay. We were new. We weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter to me." Then he turns to Leed."Look," Ben says much more sternly. "It's a difficult situation. As far as I'm concerned, this child is mine. It will carry my name, be raised by us."

Leed rounds on Tamara, "What the fuck, Tams? You said it was all good. You're the only girl I ever trusted like that..." Leed raises him arms skyward and laughs bitterly at the ceiling. "But it's my bad, I broke Rock Star Commandment #3—Never trust a fangirl with her own birth control..."

I have been completely quiet, but at that I rise to shut Leed the hell up before he says some shit he will regret forever. Adam rises with me, catching my elbow. He's shaking his head at me. Bodie beats me to checking Leed's dumb-ass, anyway.

"Easy, she ain't no goddamn fangirl," Bodie says softly.

Leed growls—actually growls—back. "Stay the fuck out of it like you always manage to do, Bodie."

Bodie jumps to his feet. "Imma let you pop off that one time, cause we are brothers and this is some crazy shit. But you disrespect Tamara again, and you bout to catch these hands, boy."

Tamara takes a deep breath and composes herself. She pushes Bodie back down in his seat. She crosses to Leed, and stands a few feet away, her arms crossed low over her stomach. She's about four and half months, and in the last few days, just starting to show, but hiding it with ingenious clothing choices. With her arms pressing against her clothing, you can just see her baby bump. Leed is fixated on the growing baby in her belly.

"I'm sorry, Leed. I made a mistake, okay? I switched birth control pills that month, and I didn't do it right. I was supposed to use backup, and I...didn't. I know this isn't what you want-a family kind of life. I'm just trying to do the right thing. I...I thought about Trace, what he's been through...and I couldn't keep it from you. I thought you should know. It's up to you what you want. If you want a paternity test when the baby is born...we can talk about that. But Leed—we've always been friends, and as your friend, I'm asking you to think about...just letting it go."

Leed stares at her, he pales, just like I do, when I'm deeply moved. Then he laughs bitterly.

"Let it go?  Because we are friends? Funny, I thought we were lovers for eight years and you quit me without even so much as a real good-bye. I didn't get any say about that. And now, you might be pregnant with my kid, but you love somebody else, and you say he's going to be that kid's daddy. I don't get any say about that, either."

"But you don't want to talk about that, do you?" Leed continues his rant. " You want to talk about Trace and what he's been through? Fine, let's ask Trace," He swings away, and bears down on Trace's shoulders. Trace looks ashen and grim as Leed leans down over him. "How'd that work out for you, brother? Growing up and not knowing your father wasn't the man raising you? Was Ross Gallant able to let that shit go? Why don't you tell Ben, about the man who signed your birth certificate? How he thought it wouldn't matter? How it did. How he saw Matt del Marco every time he looked at you.How he turned into a drunk and did shit to you that you can't even talk about. Go on, tell him!"

"Fuck," Trace says softly, closing his eyes. I knew it would affect him too. It's a terrible irony how patterns always repeats themselves in families. Soundcrush is a family, and now Trace is having to watch his own history repeat itself. He doesn't say anything in response to Leed's tirade. Right now Trace is fighting for his own measure of control.

Leed loses his shit then, screaming in frustration and punching a hole in the wall. Then he picks up a lamp and hurls it against the glass door. Tamara jumps back, her pants sprayed with shards of glass. "Leed—" she hold out her hands to him, but he backs way,

Leed screams "Fuck!" again and up-ends a console table. It crashes a few feet away from Tamara. "Leed! Stop this shit! Right now!" Tamara commands in her best mama-bear voice, but Leed ignores her and smashes a desk chair on top of the console table.

"Somebody stop him, or I will," Ben says in a voice I don't even recognize as his.

I take a step toward Leed, only to find myself hauled back by the elbow. "Not a chance, Shortcake. I got him," Adam says quietly, but before he can move toward Leed, Trace swings up out of the chair and manhandles Leed by the shoulders, "Let's get some air, brother." He shoves Leed out onto the balcony. Trace slams the door and Leed grips the rail. Leed is shaking all over.

I wrap Tamara tight in my arms. "He's a dumb-ass," I whisper, and she laughs shakily.

"He's...he doesn't know what he is," Tamara mumbles back. "He's sad, and overwhelmed, and angry. I knew he would be. It's okay. I've known Leed a long time. We'll be ok..." she looks at Ben, and stops her speech. "I mean...it'll probably work itself out." She smiles at her fiance.

Ben pulls her away from me. "Worst case scenario, I kill Leed, but don't worry, nobody would ever find his body. Mac would make an excellent front for Soundcrush, anyway," he grins at me.

I sigh. "That's not funny, Ben."

Bodie's hyena laugh relaxes everyone. "It kind of is."

Adam slaps Ben on the shoulder. "Leed will calm down. I've known him for a long damn time. There's nobody with a better heart." Ben's expression is impassive. Adam adds, "Congratulations, man. Having a kid on the way, that's fucking huge. You'll be a great dad, Ben. Nobody better."

One person better, Preacher. You.

That does make Ben smile. "Yeah. I've seen a lot of messed up shit, back in my Army days. Now, I just want the good life...a beautiful wife, few kids, cushy job," he winks at Adam. Then he looks at the balcony, "But it might be better if I stay in LA for a few more months." He wraps his arms around Tamara, and looks down at her, "You don't have to be here...you could come home, you know."

"No she can't!" I squeal, and tug her out of Ben's arms, pressing myself as tight as I can get against her. I feel panicked at the idea of losing Tamara from the tour. "You can't!"

"Damn, this ain't no tug of war," Tamara says, but she hugs me back. "Mac...I..." she looks at Ben. "I...think I should stay on tour a little bit longer, but I...I don't know how much longer. We're going to have to find someone else to finish the tour."

I nod sadly. I knew this would happen. I know Tamara has to do what's best for her and Ben and the baby, but Tamara has always been with me on the road. I couldn't imagine doing this without her. I release her to Ben.

Adam touches my back very lightly. "We don't have to talk about it today, right Tam? You'll stay through Nashville?"

"For sure," Tamara says, looking at Ben. "Ben's week off is starting. He's going to stay, too."

"Out of Leed's way, I hope?" I ask, biting my lip.

Ben nods grimly, "Come on Tam. Let's give them some space." Bodie walks out with them.

Adam continues to rub my back. "That's some crazy shit," Adam says mildly. "How are you feeling?"

"Panicky," I admit. "Worried for Leed. Worried for Tam. Worried Tam's going to leave me alone on tour. Worried for that baby," I confess. I lean against Adam's chest. "Could you do it? What Ben might be facing?"

"Raising another man's child, you mean?"

I nod. Adam rubs my back. "Yeah, I think so," he says slowly. "All my nieces and nephews—I've held them all when they were born, saw how helpless and sweet they are...you just want to protect them, even if they aren't your offspring, you know?" He sighs. "I don't know what was wrong in Ross Gallant's head...maybe it was a pattern of alcoholism and abuse he learned from his dad that he couldn't break... I don't know...but not every man is like that. Ben's a good dude. He was a soldier and he's got mad control of himself. I'm sure he's got baggage that he's worked through...he can handle this. Don't worry about that, Shortcake. That baby will be loved no matter what happens. It's mother and both possible fathers are good people."

Adam's words are meant to be calming, but panic is still coursing through me like a vibration. The whole scene was intense, and sometimes I don't handle conflict well. I'm trying hard to calm down. I don't want to flip out and cause Leed any more stress. And I don't want to worry Adam either.

"Hey," I say to Adam. "I feel little sick," I edge away to the bathroom. Adam takes a step toward me. "No, it's okay. Go out there; I'll be there in a minute," I gesture toward the balcony, I turn on my heel and sprint for the bathroom. I'm sure Adam thinks my morning sickness has returned, but in fact its a mild panic attack.

Fortunately, I am able to use the breathing techniques to calm down. I'm not sure how much time I spend in the bathroom—ten minutes maybe? But I get control of my breathing, and my wildly hammering heart, and my racing thoughts. I'm still a little close to the edge, though. I'd feel a lot better with just me and Adam in our own suite, but I know I have to go say something to Leed. He's my brother and he's just found out that he might have a kid on the way.

I know how I felt. Not when we took the pregnancy test—because I was already sure by then—but when I woke up with the soul-knowing and Adam told me the condom broke. I was wild with fear.Angry at the situation, and my lack of control. That must be how Leed is feeling now, but he'll get his head around this. It only took me a few weeks to regroup and feel entirely differently. I wish I could explain that to him, but I can't right now without making the situation about me and my pregnancy. Maybe right now I should just give Leed a big hug. Hugs always make him feel better.

I ease out into the suite. Adam left the door to the balcony open, and the curtains are blowing inward. To my surprise, I see Trace passing a joint to Adam. I stop short. I don't want go out there now. It would be weird if I refused the hand-off. I do the bad-girl thing: hide behind the curtain and listen to what they are saying.

"It's probably not yours." Adam's tight voice relaxes as he exhales. "But if it is...at least Tam ain't some fangirl after money or some Instagram star that only wants a famous baby-daddy." I bite back a smile. Of course I know Adam is a rock star with rock star concerns, but I forget that sometimes. He would never talk to me about gold-diggers tryna hook him as a baby-daddy. But it's a real concern to these guys.

"Tru dat," Trace takes a long inhale. "Tams ain't gonna cause no baby-mama drama. If it is yours...y'all are friends. You'll work it out. I think Ben...he's not like my dad. Like Ross, I mean. Ben is...disciplined, strong. Besides, if it's your kid, you won't let nobody hurt him, or his momma. If shit went south with Tamara and Ben...you'll do what you have to do to look out for the kid. And we'll be there, right by you."

Adam grunts agreement. Leed sighs. "You right. Thanks. But I just...I can't fucking believe it. I never thought Tam would do me like that. Fuck...how could she mess her birth control up like that? I trusted her."

"Shit happens," Adam says dryly, holding out the joint to Leed. "You can't place blame, man. A kid is...a blessing. Even if it wasn't planned."

"Naw, man. I'm good," Leed waves it away.

"Fucking smoke, man," Adam insists. "You need to calm down. You can't be throwing shit at your...maybe-baby-momma." Leed grunts agreement and takes a drag. Adam laughs. "Maybe-baby," he repeats. "I kinda miss that."

Goddammit Adam! Don't get stoned and tell Leed we are having a baby right now! My panic starts to rise again.

"What?" Leeds says.

"Nothing," Adam says quickly.

Traces chimes in quickly, saving Adam. "For real, Leed. You can't be doing that—throwing shit at your maybe-baby-momma," Trace insists. "Ben will put your ass on the ground, if you do it again."

"Fuck Ben Sullivan. Fuck him for stealing my fucking girl, right the fuck out from under me, and for fucking me over. For fucking standing there like he doesn't fucking work for me and fucking announcing he's the father of the baby that might very well be fucking mine. Not fucking his. Now what the fucking fuck am I supposed to do? He's gonna fucking marry her, he says! I was going to fucking marry her! Maybe. Some fucking day. Like a long fucking time from now, when I got tired of...fucking other girls."

"That's a lot of fucking, man." Trace laughs. He is really stoned now. He lights up a second joint and passes it Adam, "That's as much fucking as Adam is doing lately."

"Not quite," Adam grins as he exhales slowly. Trace laughs like a fifteen year old stoner.

These. Guys. Dumb-asses—all of them. This is a serious situation and their rock-star solution is to get high.

I feel  jangly panic zinging through me again...but it's warring with my amusement, so I keep listening.

"Leed," Trace says, "Look, I get it. This whole who's-the-daddy is a head trip. It's fucking with me, too, which is why we are all standing here getting stoned. But you are talking crazy now. Tamara's my girl. Fuck Ben for stealing her. I was going to fucking marry her someday? You don't mean that shit. It ain't ever been like that with you and Tamara."

"What the fuck man? I'm completely invested in Tamara," Leed says defensively. "I've spent eight years building what we have. It was good. It was easy. It was...trust-worthy. I thought."

"Yeah, I guess in your way, you really do care about Tamara but...you been reeling her in and cutting her loose every few months for eight years..." Trace says. "Once I had Kat, there ain't no way I'd let go like that. Now granted, it did take this love-struck asshole—" Trace passes the joint back to Adam, "five years to convince your sister that they are made for each other, but she's fucking crazy, so that's understandable."

Fuck you Trace! My heart pounds harder, and my blood is racing through my body like fire.

"If I weren't stoned I'd kick your ass for saying that about Mac, but since I'm stoned..." Adam sighs. "I think it's possibly truth that all women are crazy. But Mac? She is exactly the kind of crazy that I can't do without."

Trace slaps him on the back. "That's beautiful, man."

Beautiful? The father of my unborn child thinks I'm crazy. That's not beautiful. It's...I don't know what that is. Sad? True?

"Mmmm," Adam squishes the joint a little and takes another drag before handing it over to Leed. "But,I think Trace is right. Leed...Tam ain't your kind of crazy. What you and Tam have...it just doesn't seem like she's the One."

"Pffffshhhh...the One..." Leed imitates Adam's voice, firing it up again. They all wait for while he holds his toke and exhales slowly. "That's fucking bullshit," he continues. "The One doesn't exist. I ain't ever had one I couldn't walk away from for another one."

"Then you ain't ever been in love, brother," Adam says. That makes me smile.

"Fuck love. And while we are on the subject of fools in love...in light of this fucking mess, I feel I need to say this to you, Adam..don't get Mac pregnant. I fucking mean it."

Adam says nothing, he just nods and takes a drag. My heart is hammering again. I need to move away before I start gasping and they know I'm listening behind the curtain.

Leed notices Adam's silence. "I'm serious, Adam. Don't be getting any ideas about locking her down that way..her PTSD...it would be a disaster right now—our fucking mother all over again."

Tears spring unbidden into my eyes. Well, at least I know how Leed feels.

"It wouldn't," Adam says lazily. "She's stronger than you think. And I love her. And she loves me. If some baby-drama came along, we'd be ok. She'd be a good mother. She'd have help. We'd be together...a family."

Adam! Shut the fuck up! I have my hand over my mouth, to stop my crying gasps.

Trace makes a sound of disagreement. "Now you're talking crazy, Adam. Leed's right...Mac's way too young and she's head-trippin' since last year. You already dodged one fucking bullet. I sure hope to shit you guys are using every goddamn contraception known to man now."

I remove my hands from my mouth and put them over my ears. It's like a train barreling down tracks in my head, but I can still hear every word they are saying.

"What?" Leed says. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Trace slaps Leed on the back. "Relax, man. S'algood...they had a false alarm. S'algood. False alarm," he repeats. "Thank god, because there's no fucking way we can deal with Mac having a baby right now. Tamara's bad enough, but she's peripheral operations, not critical. And not messed up like Mac," Trace blows out a long breath. "Actually, yeah...Leed let's get the fucking lawyers on the phone. We need Adam under contract—no Madam offspring fucking with Mac's PTSD and fucking up our band for at least five—Owwwww!"

It happens all at once. I fucking lose it, and Trace—maybe because of the shit he was saying or maybe because he was the first one I could hit—becomes the object of my fury. Grab him from behind and pull him around, punching in the general direction of his face. I don't know what part I hit, I just know it hurt like fuck so I switch to shoving and slapping and clawing. "You motherfuckers! All of you! You think I'm crazy! All you care about is your goddamn band! Fuck you, Trace!"

"What the fuck!" Trace shouts and he's grappling with my hands as I claw down his cheek. "Mac, get the fuck off!" He shoves me back through balcony door and I trip over the track and fall backwards. Trace just stands there in the doorway staring at me with fury and confusion bubbling up over his high.

Adam tries to shove past him to get to me. Trace's fuse is lit now, and he shoves Adam back hard. Adam falls back against the balcony railing and for one second my heart stops. But the railing is high and Adam recovers his balance. The second of danger enrages me. I leap back up and slap Trace as hard as I can. He makes a snarling sound and shoves at me with one hand.

He makes contact somwhere between my throat and collarbone.At my garbled gasp of pain, Adam snarls, "Don't you fucking touch her!" and barrels into Trace and then they are rolling around on the floor. Trace, infuriated by my wildcat mauling, punches first. Adam gains the upper hand and rolls Trace over, returning the punch.

I'm screaming, "Stop, stop, I'm sorry! Stop!" and Leed has me by the arms, trying to drag me away from Trace and Adam brawling while I scream.

Bodie comes in the door. His eyes go wide in alarm. "What the fuck!" He jumps in the fray without hesitation, getting his hands on Adam and hauling him back, but he can't hold Adam, who is large, and infuriated. Adams shirks Bodie just as Trace is leaping up to meet Adam again, and Leed lets me go, getting between them shoving Trace to the wall.

Leed yelling "Fucking stop!It's over!" is the last thing I hear, because I'm running down the hall to the stairwell. This suite, this building, this band is not big enough. I can't be here. I can't share space with these guys whom I love so much, who think so little of me.

I need to be free.

Oh. Hell.

Anybody see Tam/Ben/Leed baby-drama comin'. History always repeats itself you know...so I figure there were probably some of you out there with suspicions. I honestly don't know who the daddy is yet..I'm looking for signs...send me some!

Poor Leed. He's obviously in shock-and-betrayal mode right now. Do you think he will calm down and feel anything positive for this situation with Tam?

So in addition to that drama, we now see Leed and Trace's unguarded reactions to Mac's pregnancy. Ouch. Neither one of them think Mac can handle it, or that the band can cope. Mac was obviously deeply upset by their reactions, but is it fair to hold them accountable for all of their musings in this situation? Do you think they would react differently if they actually knew about Mac's pregnancy and were not just thinking of it as a "false alarm"