30. Ceilings

But it's not real

And you don't exist

And I can't recall the last time I was kissed

Paige

There were many things I wanted to do in Croatia, but crying in my best Friend hotel room is definitely not one of them.

"I just don't fucking get it — her. After everything i've done.. " I cried as I wiped the tears for my face, staining my lips over with a salty coating, I hate crying. I always found it as a form of weakness rather than coping, it was no other than just standing in the rain. There was no difference — my cheek still felt the same and flustered as anger filtered through my body more than usual.

"What exactly have you done Paige? Be a good friend? Got her a necklace?" Azzi sighs as i lay on her hotel bed refusing to go back to mine, "Look.. P, your my best friend and you know I'm with you 100% of any way you decide to take your route— but you have yet to tell Jenna how you feel not to mention have yet to admit it to yourself; you can't be mad at her if she decided to stay with Blake, which quite frankly i don't think that's the case here.."

"I -"

"I'm still talking — then you can talk.." I groan sitting up on the bed to face her, "I can't make excuses for Jenna, but you know Blake— you know the mind games, have you even put into consideration that maybe Jenna herself doesn't even want him here?"

"No! But why would he be here if she didn't? Why would he take the flight to—"

"I know the deal you two made."

"What?"

"Blake admitted it— the night we went to go look for Jenna, he admitted this was all practically a game to him, to run you down to your limits.."

"i-"

"You're so stupid Paige! All this over Jenna? Your career? You know how pissed off — or even upset she will be! Not the fact that you practically could throw everything away for her but the fact that you look just as bad as Blake in this situation?"

"How? Azz I-"

"Paige, put yourself in Jenna's shoes — you're playing the game just as much as he is! She's a game prize and you two are the fucking game makers!"

"I didn't even think of it that way.."

"Of course you didn't! Because your pride got ahead of both of you!"

"He made the stupid deal!"

"And you shouldn't have fucking agreed Paige! Look i know you could be a dumb blonde sometimes but there's no denying that you and Jenna have something so special that is so obvious to everyone else but you two!"

"Okay but what if —"

"there's no what ifs Paige!"

"I can't believe I yelled at her like that— i've never.."

"Well you can't take that back P... Unfortunately as much as you want to.. you're going to have to start all over again with Jenna right when you had her where you wanted her.. It's going to be hard to come back from this.."

I put my head in my hands and groan knowing what I did was wrong but i couldn't help my anger — my jealously. Something about seeing him in a place where i know Jenna and I are the most connected— ruined it, the way i knew his hands wrapped around her waist when he hugged her, they way her lips felt on his when she kissed him. I can't take it— i can't watch her love someone else. I can't help it.

"I fucked up..."

Azzi sighs putting her hand on my shoulder shaking her head, "you didn't — not today, but you did when you made that deal.."

"She's not a game to me Az.."

"You need to look at it from someone else's point of view Paige, i know she's not— but to her, it will just look like the battle of who's dicks bigger.."

i checked my watch.

12:00..

passed curfew.

"I gotta get back.." I sigh whipping the remaining tears that stayed stained on my cheeks.

"Give her space P.."

I walk towards the door before clearing my throat turning to Azzi, "all i've given her is space..."

as I walked back to my room, I think about the memories that we shared all the videos. I could look back of us laughing and talking. I'm gonna be honest when I say, I miss my best friend whatever we were now definitely just held a strain of my heart, but what we were before, was something couldn't be again. Coming to terms with the fact that I was in love with Jenna took me years, not even now I believe it sometimes, but when I see the nose scrunches, every time she laughs, the way her eye shifts when she's uncomfortable, or the way she loves this game more than anyone else.

I never understood why she could never love me back, but I guess I did it to myself. all those years ago, I was the one who walked out of the room and she was the one who tried to stay at the end of the day. I was the one who was scared, at the end of the day, I was the one who lost her to him.

I shake my head at my own thoughts. Azzi was right, Blake could turn this on me, making it look like it was just a game . that she was just a game something to win.

opening the door, the room was pitch black. I knew she was asleep because she hated going to sleep too late before a game. I can hear her breath patterns as I walk into to the room, something about Jenna is her breath always hitches when she sleeps, I always thought it was because of the way she dreamed. as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I can see she was alone in the room. I wasn't sure of the outcome of what happened between her and Blake — not knowing if he was still here or not.

I softly as I walk over to her bed, pull the covers up, so she wouldn't get cold as she shivers slightly, one thing about Jenna was that she would go to bed freezing rather than being hot. I could feel my eyes begin to water as something in my heart felt off— it was the feeling of her slipping away for me. Why was I okay with losing , why was I settling with the fact that I was okay with that as long as she was happy. Kissing her forehead, softly I whisper " I'm sorry.." before walking to my own bed and laying down.

I had no idea what I was going to do.

Or how I was going to fix this.

Jenna

*5 hours before*

"Blake are you fucking crazy?!" I cry putting my head in my hands closing my eyes try not to believe that this is really happening.

"What? Not surprised to see me?"

" surprised the last word I have for you!" I shake my head before letting out a shaky breath, " what could you possibly want from me — I thought I made it clear—"

" the last thing you made clear was messing with my feelings, you, Jenna Midow, are not a girl I should let go of. truly I've fallen for you, had over heels and I can't help it" He shakes his head.

you know when your heart races because of the mention of someone falling for you, but then breaks because it's the wrong person that's exactly how I felt in this moment.

is this some sort of gaslighting? Because it feels like it.

He takes a few steps towards me before grabbing my jersey ever so slightly, pulling me closer to him as he whispers in my ear, " I know you know about the deal, and truly it was all paige's idea, what do you believe or not my intentions were pure I wanted you and she didn't like that."

I didn't know what to believe anymore.

" Blake I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here."

" I am in love with you completely head over heels for you you have me begging on my knees for you, I don't understand.."

" it's not you."

" you're gonna let someone that talks to you the way she does Love you?"

"Blake i-"

" I'm asking you to give me a chance one — one more chance that's all guys asking..."

" I think I need space."

" so you led me on?"

" I never told you I had feelings for you in the first place."

" but you acted upon it"

" you were the one who kissed me!"

" you kissed back, do you know the power I hold over the school?"

" enough to be such a jerk!"

" I came all the way out here for you"

" once again, I never asked you to!"

He chuckles softly as i look around trying to find the cameras where someone would pop out and say this was all a joke or a bad dream. I pinched my arm slightly trying to wake myself up until i realized this was reality.

" I meant it when I said, leave me alone"

after my conversation with Blake, I sat in the locker room I couldn't bear to face the court let alone paige I told the trainer my knee was bothering me so I can go back to the hotel early.

I didn't finish the game.

My first game back,

and I was losing myself in the process.