20. Self Righteous

Quick to admit it when I'm wrong

Instead I was leading you on

Now it's fuck me and leave you alone

Come love me, I need you at home

*tw: anxiety attack*

Paige

The court surrounds me as it's just blake and I, the only person in the crowd is Jenna.

what the fuck.

"What is this?"

"Your down fall Bueckers." He smirks as i look down and i'm in slides as he's dressed in a UCONN basketball uniform.

I look towards the crowd as Jenna sits quietly, typing on her computer paying no attention to the court.

"Hurry up — 3 mins and i'm up by 20 — looks like she's mine." He smirks before crossing me up as i try and swat the ball from him before he dunks easily behind me.

I felt stuck — glued to the floor as my feet don't move, my body going in slow motion as i watch Blake run up to the bleachers and kiss Jenna.

what.

where was i.

no.

"Jenna! No!"  i try to scream but nothing came out.

I wish I could do anything kick, scream, cry, but I couldn't. I could just stare watching them kiss.

"Too late Paige — you made your choice and i'm making mine.." She chuckles softly leaning her head on Blake's chest.

"But us— we—"

"We were nothing Paige, like you said a mistake. I found someone who loves me and isn't embarrassed by it." She smiles leaning up to kiss Blake.

"Time to turn in your jersey kid." Geno crosses his arms across his chest as i look down now wearing my Uconn uniform.

The crowd now is filled with fans — uconn students who i once seen always wearing my jersey now wearing St. James on their back — chating for the boy.

I turn to see the crowd rush towards Blake as he held the NCAA MVP award in his hands.

They chanted his name.

His legacy— that was once mine.

"You're such a wash up" Azzi shakes her head at me before running towards the crowd along with the whole team.

"That loss is on you Bueckers! God you always FUCK UP!" Geno yells.

I felt emotion build up in my chest as i want to scream but i cant.

But then i wake up.

"Fuck!" I scream throwing my pillow across the room as Azzi runs in out of breath.

"What the fuck Paige your going to wake up the whole house!" She whisper yells as sweat drips down my forehead.

"I-it was just a dream?"

"What was? Paige? You look like shit!" Azzi says worried as she sits on the edge of my bed.

I swallow hard before looking up at her with glossy eyes before my breath catches up to my throat.

"Paige? Breath.."

"i-i can't— i-it's too h-hard.."

"Let me go get you a water.." Azzi hurry's shutting the door behind me as i curl up in my sheets.

A soft knock opens the door lightly, assuming it's Azzi i don't lift my head as the bed dips beside me as a soft hand pushes my hair from my sweaty forehead.

"h-hey now breath.." Jenna sushs as my eyes meet her tired ones, "cmon sit up —"

Jenna gently placed her hands on my wrists, letting me know she was there. "hey cmon, look at me, i'm gonna grab your hands, okay?" Jenna's voice sounded so quiet. I couldn't correlate what she said but I could see Jenna grabbing my hands through my blurry eyes. She holds onto my hands, letting me to get a sense of my surroundings, "Paige— focus on my voice. focus on me, not on anything else. i need you to take deep breaths with me, okay?" Jenna started taking deep breaths, hoping I would attempt to follow.

"Hey— i got her some water —" Azzi whispers putting the bottle next to me as Jenna whispers a soft thank you.

"come on, you can do it. you're gonna be okay. come out of it, come back to me." She continued to reassure me. I did my best to focus on her voice which felt far away. I tried to clear my blurry eyes and focus on her face— the small freckles that scattered over her nose that she hated , something real for once.

I took a few shaky deep breaths with her while gripping my bedsheets with my free hand. I felt the haze starting to clear up as I took more deep breaths and focused on Jenna's voice.

"back with me?" Jenna asked. I nodded, still a little shaken before I put my head in her hands feeling the embarrassment creep up. But the warmth of her hands, and making me feel simply at home.

"I-I'm sorry," I say, quietly, and she shakes her head hurriedly.

"Don't be. Don't be dumb, it's perfectly okay but no talking focus on your breathing, try and drink some water.." She whispers putting a hand on my chest as she reaches to put mine on hers— trying to pair our breaths.

A few silent moments pass as my blue eyes meet her worried green ones, "Stay.." I whisper catching her hand as she pulls away, making her sigh softly.

"Okay.." She gives me a soft smile before tucking a peice of hair behind my ear, "let me go get some things and i'll be back okay?"

I nod afraid of letting go of her once entangled hand with mine will make her leave me forever.

"please come back.."

"I will.. i promise.." She whispers before leaving my room.

Jenna

"How is she doing?" Azzi asked — worried plaster on her face as she leaned against the counter looking towards the door i closed behind me.

"She's gonna be okay.. Does this happen often?"

"Only when she thinks a little too hard— it all catches up to her sometimes."

" I don't understand why she tries to be strong when she can't, she's one of the bravest people I know, but she tries to hide so much emotion and I don't know.."

" because people like you fuck with her head..." Azzi looks up at me making me swallow hard.

" I'm not sure what you mean"

" look Jenna you were one of my best friends and one of the best things that ever happened to paige, but I don't think you realize the consequences to your actions, nor do you hear anyone out when they try to explain some thing, you may think paige is stubborn, but are just as much as her. for one, I think the both of you need to look what is in front of you"

"Azzi I'm not sure where you're going with this."

" I think that's for you to figure out and not for me to explain.. keep me updated with how she is please.." Azzi nods before walking into her room.

"Goodnight Az..."

"Goodnight JJ..."

what exactly did she mean by that...