52. Close To Better

It had been about a week since Tyler left and I hadn't left my room. How could I go out into the world and pretend like everything was okay when my heart was broken? When a piece of me was missing?

I tried to cope by diving into the collection of Tyler's clothes he'd given me that were all soaked in his cologne– he even gave me a bottle of it to use when the scent started to fade. But my efforts were in vain because they were simply cheap replacements, nowhere near as good or comforting as him.

I missed his embrace and his kisses and his random tangents. I missed him, and my world didn't seem right without him in it. So it simply stopped.

I didn't eat, not even when my family brought it up to my room. It got to the point that my fathers would have to force me to eat and watch me do make sure I was actually doing it. School would also still be out for another few weeks, so I had nothing to take me away from their prying eyes or bury myself in.

When I got into the shower, it felt so lonely and big. Gone were the days I'd relish in my time in the shower. Now I simply rushed in and out back into my empty cold bed.

I'd talked to Tyler since he left, but not a lot since he was being drowned in the case. From lawyer appointments to moving into his temporary place, he was busier than ever. I just did my best to support him and remind him that I was there for him no matter what. And despite all of the craziness, we still managed to tell each other that we loved each other every night whether it was on the phone or over text, which was comforting.

As I sat on my window sill and stared out at the dark, busy city that stretched out before me, I felt a tug in my chest before my vision blurred with fresh tears. Every now and again, the emotions I was trying so hard to mask slipped through the cracks and presented themselves as liquid grief. And I made no attempt to fight it.

I just missed him so much.

Just then, there was a knock at the door and I mentally cursed. Of course, I'd be having another emotional break right when my fathers came to bring me dinner. I loved them, no doubt about it, but it was suffocating having them watch my every move and try to soothe me during an unsoothable situation. However, the voice on the other side was that of neither my Papa nor Padre.

"Addison? I brought you dinner. Can I eat with you?" Azalea softly asked from outside.

I relaxed as I called for her to come in, feeling no need to wipe my eyes and try to cover up my pain. I didn't need to do that around her.

"Wow, you look awful," she lightly joked as she joined me on the window seat and presented me with a bowl of shrimp and cheese rice.

"Screw off," I grumbled as I took it from her and held it in my lap.

We sat in silence for a few minutes with only the sound of our spoons scraping the bowl filling the otherwise still air. I could see the gears turning behind her eyes as she geared up to ask me the question I didn't want to be asked.

"Addison–"

"How are things going with you and Josh?"

Azalea, seeing through my bs sighed and raised a brow. "Addison, I'm worried–"

"Azalea, you already know the answer to your question and it's not going to change any time soon, so just drop it, okay?"

She scoffed. "Addison, I know that you're supposed to be my older brother and all, but you're not invincible. You don't have to be so strong and defensive all the time, so let me, as your sister, be strong for you this time, okay?"

I sighed and relented, causing her to smile and open her arms, inviting me in for a hug. I wasted no time leaning over and rested my head on her shoulder. She pressed her cheek against the top of my head. "I know you feel like shit, but how are you processing everything and what are your next steps?"

"I honestly don't have any," I admitted. "Everything feels so wrong and stagnant like I'm holding my breath. I don't feel ok, and I can't force myself to be. I won't be until I know he's safe and happy, that's all I care about."

"I know that this is a difficult situation, my God I can only imagine, however, if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't want Ty in his room day in and day out, would you? No. You'd want him to miss you of course, but you wouldn't want him to stop his life because you're gone, especially if he couldn't do anything about it. You'd want him to go about his life. Yeah, it wouldn't be 'normal' but you'd want him to enjoy the simple things instead of keeping himself in a perpetual loop of depression and numbness, right?"

"Yeah," I softly said.

"Then he'd want the same for you. You obviously don't have to jump right back into everything but start small like coming down for dinner or even talking to Ian. Going to Mikey's or the corner store or something. One step at a time."

"Okay. Thanks, Azalea."

"That's what I'm here for," she said as she wrapped her arms around me and held me closer.

"I do actually want to know about you and Josh. Don't worry, I won't spiral into a depression or anything."

A short laugh escaped from her lips. "The loser and I are doing good. I'm going over to his family's house for Christmas Eve. His folks really like me, but I don't blame them, I'd like me too."

I rolled my eyes but didn't say anything.

"He makes me pretty happy, even though he's a complete and total nerd."

I scoffed, the rhetoric reminding me of how Ty and I would talk about each other.

"I still need to interrogate him."

"Uh, no you don't," she sassily responded.

"You're right, I don't, we do. I can't wait to see what Papa and Padre do to him," I teased.

"Whatever, Addison. You're insufferable."

"I know," I said with a shrug. I could practically feel her roll her eyes.

"I don't have time for you."

"Whatever, you know you love me."

"But that doesn't mean I like you."

I dramatically gasped and put a hand over my heart. "Now that's just rude."

Azalea simply laughed at me and I found myself laughing too. Though there was a pull in my chest that reminded me that I was supposed to be sad, I pushed the feeling down, opting to enjoy the happiness– or rather, the okayness– I was feeling at that moment, an emotion that I'd desperately been trying to feel since Tyler left.

Just then my phone started buzzing on my bed. I instantly jumped up, hoping it was Tyler, but a bout of disappointment filled my chest when Ian's name popped up on my screen. Apart of me wanted to push decline, however, I decided to heed Azalea's advice to inject some normalcy back into my life. And that normalcy started with my insane best friend.

"Ian's calling. We'll finish talking when I finish with him, okay?"

She nodded before she gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You're going to be ok, Addi. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Azalea. I really needed this talk."

She offered me a smile before she turned and walked out of my room.

I pushed answer on Ian's call and held the phone up to my ear as I went back to sit on the windowsill.

"He–"

"Addison! This is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill! The bunny has entered the hole! The worm was in the apple! The hammer has hit the nail!"

"Woah, woah, woah, Ian, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked, genuinely confused. In the many years I'd been friends with Ian, I'd gotten to his weird jargon and codes, but this was completely new to me.

"Man, do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Maybe, or you could start speaking a language I understand, you got two and a half to choose from."

I could basically feel him rolling his eyes.

"Lelani and I slept together for the first time."

I nearly choked on my spit as I went from my relaxed position against the window to fully sitting up. "Excuse me, what?"

"Yeah man, I don't know. One minute we were laying in her bed listening to music and the next we were all over each other." Disbelief saturated his voice as he spoke.

"Congrats, man. Did you enjoy it?"

"Yeah, she was amazing. I mean, I'm not the type to kiss and tell, but I can tell you that the way she took charge and knew exactly how to get me going... she's incredible." I could hear the smile on his face. He was completely enamored by her, and I couldn't help but feel that same pull in my chest from earlier, however, this time it had more force. Hearing Ian be so in love without any restrictions or threats looming over his head made me jealous. But more importantly, it created a whole new wave of sadness and loneliness with Tyler. Nonetheless, I was happy for my friend, therefore, I wasn't going to let my sadness ruin his happiness.

"I'm really happy for you, Ian. You two are getting pretty serious, huh?" I injected as much normalcy into my voice as I could.

"Definitely. Like I said, she's amazing and everything I could ever dream of. I still can't believe I get to call her mine. Look out, you and Ty have some competition for best couple."

I let out a small chuckle, though it was forced. "Yeah, maybe."

"Wait, what's wrong? And don't you do that 'it's nothing' shit, because I know you, Addison Michael."

I silently cursed as I flipped over my options in my head. On one hand, I could try and brush it off, but Ian being Ian would continue to pry until I cracked and that wouldn't be ideal for either of us, especially with the sensitive mental and emotional state I was in. On the other hand, I could tell him. It would feel nice to have someone outside of my family know. I couldn't tell him everything of course because it wasn't my place, but I could give him the basic run down. That'd give me a new shoulder to cry on, but most importantly, he'd give me the best distractions. Ian always knew exactly what to do to get my mind off of whatever was bugging me, and I needed that now more than ever.

Apparently, however, my silence had spoken a million words and Ian said, "Come on, Addison. You can trust me, you know that."

I sighed and without wasting another second, I spilled my emotions. I didn't go in-depth about Tyler's situation, only that there was a family issue that'd been posing a threat to our relationship for a while and he'd finally been pulled away to deal with it. I told him about our fun times in our last days together in an effort to cope, and I told him about the countless tears we shed in each other's arms. I told him about our tearful goodbyes until I finally confessed about the depression I'd fallen into, a mental state that I'd, unfortunately, become well acquainted with over the past few months.

By the time I was done unloading all my pent-up thoughts and emotions fresh tears were sliding down my face as Ian's end was momentarily silent, likely due to shock. "Wow, I'm so sorry, Addison. I had no idea," he softly apologized after a few moments of silence. "I was a bad friend. I was so absorbed with my own life and relationship that I failed to notice that–"

"No, Ian, you were a great friend. You are a great friend. You didn't notice because we didn't want you to. Don't blame yourself or anything like that, okay?"

He thickly swallowed. "Okay. But I'm coming over. This is a situation that needs to be talked about face to face. Have you eaten? Do you need anything? I can grab stuff on my way to the subway."

The words "It's okay, you don't need to come" formed on my lips, but I was trying to be better at letting people in during my time of need. Besides, with my fragile state, I did not need to be alone right now.

"No, I don't need anything. Thanks."

"No problem, Addison. We're going to talk this out and try to make things as close to better as we can, okay?"

I nodded though I knew he couldn't see me. "Okay. I'll see you in a bit," I said before hanging up.

Though I knew that telling Ian wouldn't suddenly make me emotionally stable, I felt a slight weight lift off my shoulders. It felt good to let people in and shoulder your troubles with you, even if it was only a little bit.

Just then, my phone vibrated with a text from Tyler.

Il mio re <3 (22:32): hey, babe. Sorry I can't call but we ran mock trials 2day n I'm super tired. Miss you like crazy tho. I love you

I small grin tugged at the edge of my lips.

Me (22:32): I miss you too, more than you'd ever believe. I love you to the stars and back il mio re. Good night <3

With that, I leaned back against the window and watched the busy city beneath me trying to figure out how to make things as closer to better as I could.

***

There may or may not be only a few chapters left in the main part of the book. Ahhh, I'm so excited to finish this book, I think y'all will like it. Anyways, don't forget to comment and vote on this chapter. Furthermore, don't forget to comment what bonus chapters you want from Tyler's POV in addition to questions for the character Q&A (you can also ask me questions as well). Alright, I'll see you guys in the next update!

Love y'all– Jordan :)