38. Dirty

Warning: this chapter contains strong language, mentions of triggering subject matter such as conversation therapy, attempted suicide, and depression. If any of these things trigger you, feel free to skip the chapter. Also, if you struggle with any of this, call 1-800-273-8255. Help is always available, and know that you're not weak for asking for help, but you are incredibly strong for seeking out help when you need it. I love you all and enjoy the chapter.

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A heavy feeling hung over us in the elevator as we made the long trip up to my apartment. I was done sitting around while Tyler silently destroyed himself. I was done allowing him to suffer in silence. Luckily because we were in hell week, my fathers and siblings had taken over my nights of making dinner. But that just meant I'd have a week straight of making dinner for my family to make up for it.

After I'd ran all over the school that morning to find him, I found him in the studio sitting on the floor blankly staring at his lap as if his body were merely a shell and his mind was somewhere else. It felt like he was on the other side of a glass, numb and unreachable. Trapped.

That same aura followed him throughout the day, but, much like when we broke up, the moment anyone would throw a "hi" his way, his mask of joy and laughter returned, hiding the broken mess underneath. He still hadn't touched me or even looked at me and I was really starting to question if I was the problem. Had I done or said something to him? Had I not done or said something for him?

Had I, had I, had I...

Much like the day before, as soon as we entered the apartment, he flew up to my room, seemingly unable to get away from me fast enough. I simply watched him as he went, unable to bring myself to reach for him or call his name. The sound of my bedroom door closing caused the invisible string that was holding my shoulders up to snap, resulting in my shoulders falling into the slumped position they'd been fighting all day.

"How is he?" Papa asked as he appeared next to me. He was wearing a dress shirt, slacks, and his fancy "I'm going into the office" shoes. His tie was undone and lazily resting on his chest and the first few buttons were undone revealing the edge of his tattoo over his heart he got for my father, my siblings, and me.

"Broken." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

He patted my shoulder. "I know this is hard, Addi. Trust me. When your father suddenly became stand-offish after he broke up with me, I was so confused but terrified above everything else. It's scary when something's going on with the person you love and you don't know why or what you can do to help. But luckily for the both of you, you have us." He wrapped his arms around me. "After dinner, we're going to figure this out. Just me, you, your father, and Tyler. We'll do our best to make this better for him, okay?"

I nodded as I held him tighter. "Ok."

To be honest, it was making me uneasy how similar to my fathers' story our story was becoming. Trauma, an unsupportive family, pain. What would come next in this sequel of their lives?

When I pulled away, Padre held my face in his hands. "You're a good boy, Addison. Don't forget it. When I went through the same thing, I blamed myself. Questioned everything I ever did or ever said, but listen to me when I tell you that you're a good boy, okay?"

I swallowed and nodded. "Ok."

He gave me a reassuring grin before he pulled my head down and kissed my forehead. "Sii forte, okay? (Stay strong, okay?)"

I nodded. He kissed my forehead once more before he started walking away. "Go be there for your boyfriend. Dinner will be done soon."

I wasted no time going up to my room ready to try to talk through things with Tyler or at least show him the love I had for him. But instead of being met with him thrown out across my bed the way I expected, I found him packing his limited things into a bag.

"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked as I closed the door behind me and took slow steps toward him. Please don't tell me he's doing what I think he's doing.

Silence was my answer.

"Ty, I know a lot's going on but can you let me into your head? Please? You've been freezing me out and you're scaring me."

"I shouldn't be here," he mumbled, his eyes refusing to meet mine but instead focusing on the clothes he was messily throwing in the small bag.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry, what?" I asked though I heard him painfully clear the first time.

"I shouldn't be here," he repeated, his words mercilessly slicing through me like a knife. "I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you and your family into all of this."

"Tyler you're not making sense. Who will you stay with? Where will you go?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I have an emergency fund. It should be able to get me something until my mom's gone."

"Tyler, I'm not letting you do that. You know I'm not."

"Good thing that I'm not asking then."

I walked over and grabbed his hands to stop him from shoving more clothes in his bag. "Tyler, please tell me–"

He quickly pulled away. "Addison, don't."

"But Tyler I want to help–"

"Addi please don't do this. I don't have the strength," he begged, his voice slightly wavering.

I gently cupped his cheek and forced his attention to me. "Tyler, I love you, okay? And as someone who loves you, it's my job to–"

"I'm dirty!" He snapped as he pulled away. His sudden outburst caught me by surprise. Tears filled his brown eyes as they looked away from me. "I'm dirty, Addison, and I can't taint you or your family, okay? I'm dirty. I'm fucking disgusting, so please let me go before I drag you down with me."

I looked at him in complete shock, both confused and somewhat angry. Whatever his mother had said to him clearly messed him up, that much was apparent, but finally seeing the concrete facade he'd been putting up for the past two days fall and shatter before my feet...

I felt helpless to say the least.

"Baby, baby, baby, calm down. Let's sit and talk this out. I...I really don't want you to leave. I told you I was going to be by your side no matter what, and I meant it. So please just let me in. I promise there won't be any judgment and you're definitely not dragging anyone down. Promise, I'm just worried about you Ty. Please."

Tyler looked at me and swallowed a painful-looking lump in his throat but he didn't move. In an effort to lead him, I sat on my bed and patted the space next to me, and despite how badly I wanted to wrap my arms around him, I controlled myself. He didn't seem to have a good reaction to being touched as of late, so I needed to put his needs before my wants.

Thankfully he sat down, though there was far more space between us than I'd anticipated. It felt like we were worlds apart. Once again, I was staring at him through a glass, unable to reach him or peer into his mind.

Once again, I was powerless.

We sat in silence for a while and with each passing second, my anxiety increased ten-fold. I studied him as his fingers softly danced across his thighs and the tension continuously came and went in his jaw like a wave to shore. My eyes jumped across the spaced-out freckles that dotted his nose and cheeks in an effort to momentarily distract myself and, once more, bask in his presence. But, the thick tension in the air was suffocating me as multiple "what ifs" and hypothetical problems filled my mouth until I started choking on them, unable to get away from myself and the dark thoughts of what he was going through.

"When I came over here for the first time, I was blown away by how tight-knit your family is. I've told you that before. But...I was also really jealous. Like super jealous. I kept asking myself how did your cards fall so perfectly while mine were completely blown off the table?" He shook his head. "My family, my past, my trauma...it's all tainted me beyond words, and after seeing your family and how much you love each other, I really don't want to taint you too." His eyes moved side to side as he searched his brain for things to say. Though it physically hurt me to hear him talk so poorly about himself, I knew that he needed an emotional purge and if I interrupted him now, he wouldn't get the release he needed. Or, even worse, I could drive him away.

"My mom wants custody of me," he suddenly said after almost a minute of silence. His voice was so soft that it was almost swallowed by the air that existed between the two of us. My heart dropped into my feet.

"What?" I asked, the simple one-syllable word tasting like poison on my tongue.

Tyler sadly nodded, though he still refused to meet my eyes. "That's why she's here. She has Serenity and she wants me back too. I told you already that my dad is trying to get custody of Ren so we can both be with him instead of that monster, but, of course, anything that would remotely make me happy she had to come and try to ruin. She said that she wanted to make the family whole again or some shit but I just can't... Fuck!" He snapped as he tightly clenched his hands together to the point his hands turned pale, pain evident in his features. "Why couldn't she have left me alone for these last few months? She had no problem leaving me in that hell-hole, she didn't bother to come and visit me after my attempts, which were multiple, hell, she didn't even try to reach out to me when my dad finally got me out of that place. She had no gripe ruining my life and leaving me to die so why the fuck does she want me back now?"

"I...I don't know, Ty. God, I'm so sorry." My words felt light as they slid off my tongue, carrying no weight or comfort for Tyler. I wished more than anything that I could give him a solid answer and say something, anything to make him feel ok.

He shook his head. "I'm not eighteen yet. I won't be until the summer and...I mean she could really do it. That's what's terrifying. No matter how hard my father works, how much he's sacrificed, how much he truly loves me and my sister, I could fall back into that evil woman's hands. And then what?" He let out a shaky breath as he pulled his knees to his chest. For the first time since the conversation started, his eyes locked with mine. "I won't survive if she gets me, Addi."

I won't survive.

Those words hit me in my heart in such a way that I felt myself shatter. Hearing how serious he was and seeing the damage that woman had done to him mentally, physically, and emotionally terrified me. "Please don't say that." My voice came out as a weak whisper, my throat burning as I forced my sobs and screams down. "Please."

He scoffed. "I'm sorry, Addison, but that's how it is. I can't...I just can't. I mean, that woman makes me feel things no other person alive can make me feel. She makes me feel disgusting and unworthy of...of life, really. Seeing her that day, seeing the way she looked at me and extended her arms for a hug. She tried to hide it but I could still see the disgust in her eyes. The tension in her jaw, the way she kept looking me up like I was a specimen she was dissecting rather than her own son.

"It's like she's a time machine: every time I see her I go back to the damned place she locked me up. I feel disgusted. I feel filthy, like I can't stand being in my body. I think about the painful electric shocks and the hateful words and the sick way they'd touch me in order to 'cure me'. And then I think about how I let them do it. How weak I was, how I was unable to stop them and..." His words died on his tongue as tears rolled down his cheeks, but he quickly wiped away his liquid grief. "I think about my attempts and how cold it felt, you know, being in the darkness. That's the worst part, I think. I can't look at her without thinking about how I tried to kill myself multiple times. I think about how alone I felt. I didn't see the light but I didn't feel the fire either. I didn't see the flashes of memories nor did I feel the peace. I was just gone, wiped off the face of the earth and alone.

"She brings out feelings and memories that I want to keep locked away in the deepest parts of me and throws me in a perpetual loop of hating myself and in turn, I hurt the people around me. I hate the people that love me. I don't mean to, I swear, but it's like some fucked up self-defense mechanism in order to protect myself from more hurt I guess. And now the woman that messed me up beyond words wants to take me away from the people and place I've found happiness and peace." He scoffed again. "Give me a fuckin' break."

So many emotions were fighting for dominance within me. Despite the messy onslaught of disorganized, confusing thoughts, Tyler had gotten what he needed: some kind of catharsis, but it left me feeling more helpless than ever. How could I make see that he was worthy? Not just of love, but of life and so much more?

Grief, fear, hatred, anger, confusion, emotions that I couldn't describe or articulate fought for dominance within me, but the biggest one of all was empathy. I couldn't imagine the torment and pain Tyler was going through. It made sense why he'd been avoiding my touch and kisses: it represented everything he'd been taught was wrong in that God-forsaken place. It literally triggered traumatizing memories for him. The idea that my touch could bring up such terrible memories made my heart ache and my fists itch to collide with the faces of whoever had caused Tyler any type of pain.

Tyler suddenly shook his head as he abruptly stood up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have unloaded all of that onto you. I-I should go before–"

"Tyler, wait," I said, resisting the urge to reach out to him the way I usually did. His words instantly died on his tongue as he stopped, looking almost relieved that I did something, anything to get him to stay. "You aren't dirty. You're not tainted. Whoever tells you otherwise is lying. Yeah, you've gone through a lot of terrible things, but that doesn't make you terrible. In fact you're the opposite. You're amazing and strong and worthy of everything in this world and the next. I'm so lucky to be the one you say 'I love you' to. I'll say it as many times as it takes you to believe me: you're a part of this family and I love you. You're not dirty or tainted or broken or any of that stuff, you hear me? And it physically hurts me to hear you say that stuff about yourself.

"As my dads said, it's hard to deal with the past and it will sneak up on you from time to time, but it doesn't define you. And as your boyfriend, it's my job to stick it out with you. To face it with you and give you my strength when you need it. To be your shoulder to cry on, your ears to listen when you need to talk. You're nothing less than amazing and beautiful and loved and worthy, alright? I need you to know that."

"Addi, I know you love me, and I know you know I love you too, but that's why I'm trying to do this. To keep you from getting hurt. I have...I have this seesaw of emotions within me and I never know where it's going to land and it weighs down on me so much and I really don't want to mess this up," he said, motioning between us. "I have too much baggage, and I know that you say that you're going to stick it out with me but do you realize how heavy that statement is? I mean, I have problems. Like serious problems, problems that I don't even fully understand nor do I know how to handle. Do you really want to have to deal with that? The constant lighting fast switches between happy and depressed? The memories, the reactions?

"You don't deserve that Addi. You deserve the happy times all the time and I know that I can't give that to you. At the beginning of this relationship, I thought I could give it to you but now I've come to realize that I can't keep up a facade. If I do, I'll end up taking us both down. I'm not worthy of your love, Addi. All I can do is drag you down."

"Tyler, you severely under-estimate the love I have for you by a long shot. Yes, you're right that this isn't going to be easy, but it's not your job to call it quits for me, especially when I'm not planning on calling it quits ever. I'm willing to do whatever it takes for you, Tyler. Don't you get it? I love you. Unconditionally. I'm staying and I'm going to learn and adapt. I'll be showering you with kisses on your good days and patient on your bad ones. I'll back you up when you need it, and be the voice of reason when you want to burn the world to the ground." As I spoke, the dam that was restraining all of the tears I'd been fighting so long to hold back broke and they clouded my vision. "And look, I'm not going to lie, I know this is going to be hard and it will be a process, but I also know you're worth every ounce of pain in the world. And I'm sorry to say it, Tyler, but you're my endgame. You're not getting rid of me that easily, so get used to having me around because I refuse to allow you to go through this alone. Now it's time to take off your hero cape for once and let someone else take care of you. Let your boyfriend take care of you, because I need you to be ok, Tyler. I need you to let me in, please. Please stop pushing me away because it hurts really bad."

By now, hot tears were streaming down my face and my voice was shaking. Tyler wasn't much better. His body was physically trembling as tears fell freely down his face, though he made no effort to wipe them away. And despite the situation, I couldn't help but admire how perfect Tyler looked even when he cried. I didn't deserve him, but I sure as hell was going to fight for him. "I love you, Tyler."

A soft cry pried itself from between Tyler's lips. "I...I love you too, Addison," his shaky voice replied, every syllable dripping with raw emotion before he fully broke down in tears as strangled sobs were pulled from his lips. He wrapped his arms around himself before he slowly slid down to the floor.

Within moments, I was right next to him on the floor and I made a move to wrap my arms around him and pull him close to me, but I quickly caught myself before I got too close. I really wanted to comfort him and I physically couldn't stand by while he had a full-on break-down, but I also couldn't hug him. At least, not without his consent or else I might trigger him even worse.

"Tyler, can I touch you? Please?" I softly asked. He nodded, unable to form words or sentences and without a second thought, I pulled him into my chest and let him cry into me. He cried and shook and sobbed and wept and throughout it all, I simply held him as tightly as I could as a silent reminder that I wasn't going anywhere.

I meant every word that I told him; I was going to ride this out with him until the end and love him with everything I had in me.

***

Hey y'all. So yeah, that was a heavy chapter, now do you see why it took me so long to write it? It's super sensitive and I wanted to get it right, especially when it came down to representing Tyler's problems. It was physically painful writing this chapter and it hurts knowing that there are people who are actually going through this. If you or anyone you know are struggling with anything LGBTQ related whether it's identity, safety, etc. call the Travor Project at 1-866-488-7386. It's a safe place created specifically for LGBTQ+ youth. So yeah, I hope this illustrates how Tyler isn't how he seems (he's changed a lot from that cool guy that Addi saw him as at the beginning of the book, hasn't he?). I'm also thinking about creating a playlist for this book including songs that represent the "feels" of each chapter. What do y'all think of that? Let me know if the comments and just let me know what you think in general in the comments. I promise it gets happier soon, promise. And, as per usual, chapter 39 is already posted on Inkitt which you can read 10000% for free by clicking the Inkitt link in my bio. It's free for you and it helps me get paid for doing what I love. Please and thanks.

Life update time: I'm officially going to school in Florida. I got into a really competitive school and I'm proud of myself. I'm excited yet scared at the same time so wish me luck!

Ok, I'll see y'all next time and please be safe out there. This weather is crazy.

Love y'all– Jordan