23. Playing Hero

Tyler wasted no time shutting the studio door behind him before he sat down on the couch next to me and put his head in his hands. His fragile mask of composure was crumbling before my eyes, disintegrating like sand, revealing the scared boy beneath. It was the most distraught and scared I'd ever seen him.

"Tyler, I–"

"I mean, I first heard about it in fourth period from Lauren, one of the cheerleaders, but she had no idea it was us, thank God, but then I started hearing it more and more and I was so upset and confused and scared. I-I wanted to confront Kyra about it since everyone kept telling me that it was the dance team girls spreading it, but then I realized that I could make it worse and then I thought about you and how scared you must be and then I heard the boys talking in the locker room and..." His rambling died on his lips as he lifted his heavy gaze to meet mine. "Addison, what's going on? Why would she do this?"

The way his voice slightly broke and the moisture that he continuously kept trying to blink away felt like a stab directly in my heart. What had I done? He was scared because of something I caused, something that I should've warned him about weeks ago, instead of being such a coward and hiding everything from him.

Now it was time to make things right.

God, please be with me.

I took a shaky deep breath. "I haven't been honest with you." I could barely hear my words as they slid past my lips.

"What?" Disbelief rang in his tone as he looked at me.

I broke eye contact. "I...Everything is my fault, completely and totally. Kyra's been beyond pissed since she caught us. I know I told you that already, but I've been downplaying how serious it is. Severely. It's all because I broke a promise to her, a stupid promise that I should've never made in the first place but I was really emotional and I really thought I could keep it at the time but–"

"Addison, spit it out," Tyler said, his voice stoic and foreign.

"I...The night of the football game, before I kissed you, we broke up, but you already knew that. Except, not really. I mean, she called a break on us. She's been dealing with stuff at home and...well, she said she wanted a break and she promised to come back to me. I didn't verbally promise anything back, but I insinuated it. I think a part of me knew that I was going to break that promise but at the time I really thought..." My words died on my tongue as I shook my head. "It doesn't matter what I thought. What matters is that I gave in to my desires for you before I one-hundred percent broke things off with Ky. My feelings for you were just so strong and I really didn't want to lose you so I–"

"Lied to me," Tyler finished. "So you lied to me."

I looked up at him, feverishly shaking my head. "No, Ty, of course not. We were broken up. But I–"

"–were expected to go back to her. Addison, what the hell?" He stood up, frustration and borderline anger radiating off of him in waves. "You came onto me and messed with my emotions when you still had a girl waiting for you. That's messed up man. You made me think that you and her had a clean break, no strings attached!"

"Because that's what it was to me! I know it sounds stupid, but that's what it was to me, honest. Please...sit back down and let me finish explaining. I know you don't owe me anything, but please let me finish. Please."

His gaze was hard as he stared down at me, his chocolate brown eyes holding so much heat that I had to resist the urge to fidget. After a few moments, he sat down next to me, though he made sure there was plenty of space between us. Not an inch of our bodies was touching and I was hyper-aware of that. I was also hyper-aware of how cold the studio actually was without Tyler there to warm me. "Finish." His tone and demeanor were completely different than they usually were, and though I couldn't blame him, the person next to me wasn't the same boy who'd been laying with me in my bed this morning as he kissed me and made me blush. This person was a stranger. A stranger of my making.

Nonetheless, I looked him dead in the eyes, trying to pull out the boy I was helplessly in love with. "I promise you, Tyler, I didn't mean to hurt either of you. I care about you both so much, but I was just being stupid and rash without thinking about how my actions would affect both of you. It's just...ever since we met I've been falling out of love with Kyra and liking you more and more to the point that all I thought about was you. So, I promise that I'm not just toying with you or–"

"Addison, your promises mean very little to me right now," he stated very matter-of-factly. "You promised Kyra you'd get back with her and you broke it. You promised me you'd tell me if things went wrong with her and based on how you've said what you've said, you've known that this has been coming for a while now yet you didn't tell me, so you broke it. How am I supposed to believe you now?"

"Tyler, I didn't tell you because I wanted to protect you–"

"Don't say that, Addison. Don't you dare try to cover your mistakes in a cape and play hero. You don't get to do that!" By now, there was no mistaking that anger was pumping through every syllable he spoke as tears started falling down his cheeks. "I didn't need to be protected. I just needed honesty. That's all. I put my heart in your hands and trusted you to be honest, that's all I needed. And you just broke it. Why? Because you broke promise after promise. Because you couldn't talk to me. Because you refused to take accountability for your actions and now we're here. I mean, how long do you think until people connect the dots? We wouldn't even be here right now if you'd just told me that she was planning to out us! I mean, how long have you known?"

I broke eye contact and looked at my hands in shame as a burning sensation filled my chest and climbed up the side of my throat. I didn't like where this was going. "I had my suspicions the day she caught us but–"

"My God, Addison." By now he was standing again. "Why didn't you tell me then? That was weeks ago, almost a month. Why didn't you speak up then? Or the day after? Or the day after that? Or even yesterday for crying out loud? We could've handled this and been a united front but...Why did it take her actually doing it for you to speak up?"

"I wanted to!" I cried, my voice breaking as tears of my own started blurring my vision. "You have no idea how many nights I stayed up trying to figure out how to tell you or how many knots my stomach is twisted in out of disgust toward myself for being too cowardly to tell you! The hatred, the depression, the panic attacks, I tried! But every time I would get too scared and, rightfully, blame myself or get distracted by you and find excuses. I was going to tell you after practice today, I swear, that's what I was talking about this morning when you asked me what was wrong but I just couldn't find the right words to say. Oddly enough, though, when I heard the rumors in the locker room and saw how positively and lighthearted the boys were taking it...I don't know, I suddenly felt more okay with the idea of being out. Obviously not being outed but...the thought of being with you made it better." By the time I was done, my voice was barely above a whisper as my tears rolled down my cheeks and an unparalleled weight pushed down on my shoulders, nearly crushing me.

Tyler pinched the bridge of his nose, his chest harshly rising and falling as he breathed. "That's great you feel that way, Addi, but you seem to keep forgetting that you're not in a relationship with yourself. What about how I'm feeling? Through everything you've said it's been me, me, I, my, me. Other than 'protecting' me, did you think about me?" Tyler's stoic demeanor fell, and I could hear the pain that was swimming laps in his voice.

I stood up and took his hands in mine. "Of course I did, Tyler. You're all I thought about. I know I was stupid, idiotic, and cowardly, but I promise that I had good intentions."

He pulled his hands from my grip and his jaw set. "If you keep having to tell yourself that, Addison, then that means it's not true. If that were true, you would've considered the fact that not all of us gay kids have the supportive parents that you do or that the societal pressures and molds are harder for some of us to break. Not all of us can be okay with coming out at the drop of a hat. Not all of us can come out. Did you think of that while you were planning to 'protect me'? Did it ever cross your mind that there was a reason I'm not out?"

I opened my mouth to speak but, much like the day Kyra caught us, I had nothing to say. He was right, none of those things had crossed my mind in my feeble attempt to protect him. I was a coward and in turn, I put him in more danger than I could have ever imagined. That's what I was, a coward. Not a hero that was trying to protect everyone, just a cowardly child who was afraid to get a slap on the wrist for what he'd done wrong to the people he cared most about. The realization knocked the wind out of me like a swift punch in the gut.

He scoffed. "That's what I thought. You don't care about me, Addison. You probably never did. You just used me to get over Kyra, right? This was never more than an experiment for you. I should've seen it. Yet, I still gave you my heart just for you to break it." He let out a humorless chuckle as liquid pain continued falling down his face. I wanted to do nothing more than wipe the tears from his eyes and press my lips to his. I wanted to show him how much I cared. How much it physically hurt me to be the source of his tears. How much joy he brought to my otherwise beige and mundane life. How much I truly loved him. But I couldn't.

So if I couldn't show him, I'd tell him.

I gently cupped his cheek and used my thumb to wipe away his tears. "Of course I care about you, Tyler. I care so much that it hurts. Every moment I'm with you is the best moment of my life and every time you say my name it feels like it was made specifically for you to say it. Every time you hold me or kiss me or just look at me, I fall deeper and deeper into you. I can't fake that, Tyler. Not even if I tried. You bring so much pride to my life." I looked at him directly in his tear-rimmed eyes. He was so beautiful and delicate. I could see the conflict raging in his expressive eyes. I could see how much I was truly breaking him. "Tyler, I know I messed up big time, and I'll never stop trying to make up for that, but please don't leave me. I care about you too much and... and I lo–"

"No." He pulled away, shaking his head as he increased the space between us. "No, you don't get to say that. You can't..." He put his head in his hands. "You just can't, Addison. You'll hurt me more if you do."

I took a step toward him. "But Tyler, it's true–"

"No, it's not. You're a liar and all liars do is hurt people. I won't let you hurt me, Addison. I won't let you break me like you did Kyra. We're done. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to be near you, I don't even want to look at you. We're done."

Each syllable twisted itself deep within me resulting in a pain that no blade or bullet could compete with. My body trembled as my throat closed. "Tyler, please don't. I-I need you, please."

"Addison we're...we're done," he repeated before he harshly wiped the tears from his face and left without sparing me a glance, leaving me alone and hurt. For the second time, my knees gave out and I tumbled to the floor in a mess of sobs and screams, not caring who heard or saw me. In five minutes, I destroyed the best thing that'd happened to me in five months.

I'd gone from being sickeningly in love with my boyfriend to being completely and utterly alone.

You deserve this, the same voice that'd been telling me to hold off on telling Tyler sneered in my head. You destroy everything. You don't deserve happiness. The taunts made me cry harder to the point that my head physically hurt.

As I laid on the floor shaking and sobbing, I thought about the amazing times Tyler and I had in our short amount of time together–our laughs, our kisses, our touches, us– and how badly it'd ended.

All because I insisted on waiting one more day.

Because I couldn't keep my promises.

Because I was a coward.

Kyra had won. She'd gotten her revenge.

I deserved it, all the pain, the heartbreak, hell, I even deserved to be outed. I would endure it all alone if it meant that Tyler would be protected.

I needed to get out of here. I needed to go somewhere. Anywhere. But I was in no condition to walk out of the school, let alone get on the subway and get home by myself, so I did the only thing that I could.

With a shaking hand, I reached in my pocket and grabbed my phone. After searching for a moment, I found the person I was looking for. I pressed their name and held the phone to my ear, my hand still shaking so much that the ringing sounded distorted. On the fifth ring, there was an answer.

"Hey, Addi, I'm still at work and I'm about to head into a meeting. I'll call you when I–"

"Dad?" I softly said, my voice still shaking and weak.

"Addison? Are you...crying? What happened? What's wrong?"

I sniffed and leaned my head against the wall, staring directly at the light above me. "I...I need you. Papa, I messed up really bad."

There was silence on the other end and I was worried that he'd already hung up or that the call dropped. I was about to call out to him again when he said, "Don't worry, Addison. I'm on my way."

***

I updated three days in a row? Unheard of! So...don't throw too many tomatoes at me because this triple update has to count for something...right? Trust me, this is all happening for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier to put my babies in pain. How do you feel about Tyler's reaction? Do you think it was warranted or do you think he was a bit harsh? Let me know what y'all think in the comments, and as always, the next chapter is already available for free on Inkitt, so if you can't wait to see what happens next, click the Inkitt link in my bio :)

Love y'all and stay safe- Jordan