22. The Rumor

A week later, I was starting to feel a bit more like myself.

After my date with Tyler, I started forcing myself to eat, and little by little, I gained my appetite back, though the perpetual knots that my stomach was tied in made it hard at times. Sleep came and went in waves that made nighttime more of a bag of surprises rather than a time to relax; some nights I was able to fall into a mediocre dreamless sleep, and other nights, I'd lie awake staring at the ceiling too awake to go to sleep but too mentally exhausted to stay awake. The latter nights were the worst and I would feel their effects throughout the day. However, those moments would be momentarily outshined by bouts of happiness– or rather, feeling okay.

I found those small moments in the chaos that made up my family, the hugs from my dads, and falling into the arms of my boyfriend in the studio or at his house. But while my clutch on those things were tightening and my dependence on them increased, my interest for things that used to take up my entire life like writing and football was slowly bleeding from me, leaving me drained and hollow.

And it scared me.

I realized what was happening though, the feeling of each step feeling heavier than the last and the constant tug of war the joyful moments and constant fear of Kyra looming over my head was engaged in– I was depressed, or at least in a minor depression. The realization of my own stupidity had long dawned on me and was now perched on my shoulder like an owl, its razor-sharp talons digging into my soft tissue and urging me to take the weight off of my shoulders and share it with those that I knew cared. My fathers, my sister, but most importantly, Tyler.

"You're just being stupid and stupidity helps no one". The words Ian had spoken were tattooed on the inside of my eyelids and stuck on repeat in my head. As much as I usually hated to admit it, he was right. It was time to put my tough-guy mask on the shelf and face what I'd done, which started by coming clean and doing one of the things I stubbornly hated most– asking for help.

I was pulled from my thoughts by a knock at my door. I blinked a few times and realized I'd been blankly staring at myself in the mirror for the past few minutes.

I cleared my throat. "Come in."

The door cracked open as I grabbed the oversized sweatshirt that I'd laid across my bed before I slipped it on over my bare torso. I was reaching for my denim jacket that would've completed my look when someone said, "Man, you end the show right when I get here."

I jumped when I turned and saw Tyler as he closed my door, a bag in one hand, and a playful grin playing on his face. I blush stained my cheeks as I turned back toward my jacket once I realized he was referring to my body.

"Ty, what are you doing here?"

"What? I don't even get a 'hi' anymore?" He asked as he sat on my bed, putting the bag to the side.

"Hi, Tyler," I said dramatically before I made a move to go back to my mirror to make sure that I looked decent. But, Tyler being Tyler didn't let me take two steps before he pulled on one of the straps of my cargo pants with such force that I fell back on the bed and landed right into his lap, as rom-com as it sounded.

"Hi, Addison," he mocked before he placed a kiss on my lips. I couldn't contain the school-girl giggles that escaped my lips despite my best efforts, and gently gripped the back of his head.

"See? That's better," he said with a grin as he pulled away.

"Sorry, this morning has been stressful," I admitted, though it really translated to "I'm now stuck in the 'low' of the endless loop of highs and lows I've been feeling and it sucks'.

Tyler gently ran his thumb over my cheek. "I could tell because you seem to have completely forgotten that you knew I was coming over. You also look like you're between killing someone and crying hysterically."

"Gee, thanks," I sarcastically said to his joke.

He shook his head. "You still look cute, though. And you just so happen to be in luck because I brought this." He used his free hand to grab the bag and instantly the smell of food filled my nose, yet, the aromas that would usually make my mouth water made me feel nauseous. I couldn't think about food, not right now.

One of the many perks of being stuck on a "low".

But the child-like excitement that shone in his eyes prevented me from telling him that I didn't want it. It also pushed the confession that was forming on my tongue back down my throat but I resisted the urge to throw it back up. I couldn't ruin such a beautiful smile, at least not yet, I thought to myself. After practice. I'll come clean after practice and after that...well, his reaction would determine that. Now Addi, you can't get too upset if he doesn't react in your favor. Put yourself in his shoes. Remember that you've held out on him for so long and–

"Hello? Earth to Addison," Tyler said as he waved a hand in front of my face.

I blinked again. It was my second time spacing out within a span of five minutes.

"Yeah, sorry, I was just...thanks," I said as I took the bag from his hand. "I really appreciate it. You're the best." To sell my otherwise unconvincing performance, I kissed his cheek, causing his blinding smile to grow.

"I know. Might as well give me the 'boyfriend of the year' award."

I scoffed, though I made no move to get off of him. We still had a little bit of time before we had to leave and I didn't want to get up yet. His expression softened and he started playing with my hair. "Hey, you. Wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I'll tell you after school, but not now. I kinda just want to lay here for a bit, if that's okay."

He chuckled. "Of course that's okay. Take your time."

I closed my eyes. The weight of drowsiness was settling on me, and even though I couldn't go to sleep even if I wanted to due to the time constraints, I felt myself relax as I tried to focus on just the feeling of Tyler's fingers raking themselves through my hair instead of the words that were gathering in my throat, threatening to choke me and ruin the slice of serenity I was burying myself in.

***

Ants of anxiety were marching up the back of my neck as I made my way to the locker room. The school day had come and gone in a blur. I couldn't focus on anything other than the timer in my head that was counting down the seconds until I had to come clean to Tyler, and now that I was going to spend the next three hours with him at practice, my anxiety was going through the roof.

I'd had the time to overthink everything, reducing me to nothing but walking nerves.

I really didn't want to mess things up, but Tyler deserved to know the truth, which outweighed my wants.

I'd barely walked a foot into the locker room when I was roughly yanked away from everyone else. A yelp escaped my lips, but a hand quickly clasped itself over my mouth. With my anxiety already at a ten, it was needless to say that I was beyond terrified and confused. However, it all quickly melted away when I realized that it was no other than Ian standing in front of me with his hand over my mouth, a tight furrow between his brows, and a serious look in his eyes.

"Relax, it's just me," he said as he slowly removed his hand from my mouth. The serious tone in his voice did little to soothe the off- feeling that was tugging at the base of my skull.

"What's going on, Ian? Why did you–"

"You're in it, man. I mean you're in it deep."

"What are you talking about? You're not making any–"

"They know," he said in a harsh whisper. "I mean, they don't know it's you, but they know that you're, you know," he flicked his wrist to fill in the rest as his eyes darted around to make sure that no one else had wandered into the secluded corner of the locker room.

My heart suddenly dropped into my toes and my breathing got caught in my throat. I ringing filled my ears and I could practically feel my heart pounding against my chest in an attempt to escape. I didn't have time to process what was going on before my knees gave out, sending me, and consequently Ian, to the ground. That's when the hyperventilating started. "Oh God, oh God, oh God..." I repeated as I tightly gripped my hair and pulled my knees to my chest. It suddenly felt like all eyes were on me, despite Ian being the only person around. My body shook and I was afraid I'd shatter into a million pieces.

I looked at Ian, my vision quickly becoming cloudy. "H-How?"

He broke eye contact. "There's a vague rumor going around that two of the football players are hooking up. Names weren't mentioned but I just wanted to warn you because I know you're," he looked around again before leaning closer, "closeted, and I didn't know if your mystery guy was here too. I just wanted to give you a heads up, but, uh...the rumor came from girls on the dance team."

That's what broke me. Even though I fully knew the chances of Kyra actually outing me, I was holding on to the slight chance that she wouldn't. That she'd keep her resentment and hatred only directed toward me and not on Tyler too. But the fact that she actually did it after having time to cool down and think about it...

"Was it Kyra?"

Ian shrugged. "I honestly don't know, man. Keeton heard it from his girlfriend, Payton, you know, the one on the girl's soccer team? And she heard it from her sister Kimberly, the cheerleader, who said she'd heard it from the dance team girls, but didn't specify who."

"My God..." I trailed as I buried my head in my hands

"But hey, look on the bright side. I mean, the boys aren't talking negatively about it. None of them are grossed out or judgmental or anything, at least the ones that I heard talking. So, let's just calm down and try to approach this from a–"

"Ian, don't you dare tell me to calm the hell down." My voice came out so low and empty that I didn't recognize it as it left my body.

Ian looked away. "Of course, I'm sorry. This must be hard for you, I mean obviously because there's a reason you haven't come out." He sighed. "What can I do? Do you want me to tell Coach that you're not feeling well or something?"

I shook my head and buried my head in my knees again, surrounding me in black. I was already beyond emotionally exhausted. I'd felt so many things for so long that at this point, I couldn't feel anything but numb. "Nothing, just...just get ready for practice."

"Are you sure, Addi? I can–"

"Go. I'll be fine."

I felt Ian's gaze on me, and I could practically feel his conflict rolling off of him in waves. Luckily, he gave into my demands and after a few moments, I was alone.

I needed to figure out next steps. I mean I had to. I needed to stay closeted because...

Why did I need to stay closeted?

At first, it was because I was with Kyra and I was confused but now, what did I have to lose? If Ian was right and the team wasn't upset by it, who was I really hiding it from? My family? No, I had two dads for crying out loud. My friends? No, Ian already knew and as far as I was concerned, everyone else could kick rocks if they didn't like it. Myself?... No, I was okay with myself. I'd accepted myself. I love myself, no matter where I fell on the sexuality spectrum.

Tyler?

I knew I'd be okay as long as I had him by my side. Worst could come to worst, but as long as I could fall back into the arms of the boy I loved and still call him my boyfriend, I could face it.

The revelation caused a blanket of serenity to settle over my shoulders. Yet, that blanket didn't protect me from the exhaustion that festered within me, both emotional and physical. Despite how short my panic attack lasted, it still took nearly every ounce of my already waning strength and I knew that I wouldn't have it in me to survive practice, that would be a self-signed death wish. So instead, I decided that I'd take Ian's advice and tell the coach that I was sick and wait for Tyler in the studio until practice was over. At least then I'd have time to create a script in my head for exactly how I'd put us in this mess.

I made my way to my feet, falling against the wall of lockers as the blood rushed through me and a woozy feeling moved from my head down to my toes. Once I felt relatively stable, I carefully placed one foot in front of the other and slowly walked through the locker room. Chatter flew from nearly every mouth and converged into one cloud of noise over my head, causing my skull to pound.

Yusef was talking to Jesse and Harry as they slowly changed into their uniforms and laughing about something one of them said. Boxy approached them and slapped Harry's butt, causing them to jump in surprise. "Oi, what was that for, Boxy?"

"Are you the secret gay that's been fluttering among us?" Yusef asked, though his tone was playful and held no malice.

"Yusef, what the–"

Jesse chuckled. "Now, ladies, calm down. Whether or not Boxy is as straight as a round-about doesn't matter–"

"Harry, I'm straight–"

"–all that matters is this," Harry turned to Boxy and put his hands on his shoulders and looked him in his eyes, "do you think I'm attractive?"

Boxy swatted his hands away. "Dude, what the hell–?"

"What? I've always wanted to know if I'm attractive to the gays!"

"I'm not gay–!"

"Hey, we're not judging you if you are, Boxy. That just means less competition for us," Yusef said as he put his hands up in surrender.

Boxy narrowed his eyes. "Competition this."

"That doesn't even make any–ow!" Yusef said as Boxy put him in a tight headlock before the boys started wrestling, the display of competitiveness and testosterone.

"Wait, you didn't tell me if I'm hot!" Harry whined, causing me to scoff as I continued making my way to the coach's office, upping my sick antics to a ten, though it wasn't hard because I looked like I was one gust of wind away from falling over and dying on the spot. It was a bit reassuring to hear them talk about the thing that'd been hanging over my head–that fact that I'm gay–in such a light-hearted manner.

Coach saw me when I was within five feet of him. "Hey, Addison, what truck dragged you across your face?" Despite his creative wording, I could see the concern in his face.

"I'm not feeling good, Coach."

"A blind woman could look at you and tell you that, Addi. What the heck has been going on with you? You've been like this for a while now, don't think that I haven't noticed."

"Just a lot going on, Coach. Too much."

"I figured. Look, Addi, if you don't pick yourself up–and take as long as you need–but I'm going to have to bench you until I feel like you can carry yourself and this team. I don't want you hurting yourself out there when you're not feeling good."

"Thanks, Coach, but I should be okay soon. I just need to go home before I pass out."

"Understandable, kid." He gently clapped my shoulder as he looked me over. "You gotta be kinder to yourself. Rest and don't rush it and let me know how you're feeling tomorrow."

"Thanks, Coach," I said as I readjusted my backpack strap and turned on my heels back the way I'd come as Coach clapped his hands.

"Alright, roaches, into the side room. We're having a team meeting, and Harry, for the love of God, get Boxy out of your armpit and put on some clothes!"

Harry chuckled as he let Boxy out of the headlock he'd been trapped in, causing him to gag as he fanned his nose, indicating Harry stank, while Harry simply laughed. As I continued walking out, Ian and I locked eyes. He was dressed in all parts of his uniform other than his shirt, leaving his toned torso on display.

He silently asked if I was leaving and I mutely nodded. He gave me a nod back and clapped me on the shoulder as he walked by, not making a big scene. I looked around and noticed that I didn't see Tyler, but he could've simply slid past me. My mind was buzzing. What was he thinking right now? Did he even know about the rumor?

I walked out of the locker room and toward the audio department, knowing that the studio would be unlocked since Tyler always locked it after we'd meet in there at the conclusion of practice. I flipped on the light and sat on the couch that was in there and pulled out my phone to text Tyler what was going on and tell him that I needed to talk to him after practice.

But I'd barely pressed send when the door flew open, revealing Tyler who had a concerning look on his face, something between anger and confusion and...fear. My heart instantly jumped in my throat as painful pins and needles festered on the bottoms of my feet.

"Addison, what the hell is going on?"

***

So, yeah. It's about to get real in the next chapter so be prepared for paradise to come crashing down and the real sad stuff to start. I hate putting my characters through hardships, but I want them to seem as realistic as possible. Also, for the people who are saying that Addison is being irrational or in the right/ wrong for what he did to Kyra, I did that on purpose. I want him to make choices that are morally questionable because that makes him more realistic and adds to his character development.

But on another note, what do you think the upcoming conversation between Tyler and Addison is going to be like? Let me know in the comments.

Anyways, here's a life update: school is starting in less than two weeks for me and my brain can't handle the fact that I'm a senior, I get to find out on Monday if I can start walking (I had a major foot surgery two months ago and I haven't walked since), and I'm still in the midst of the college application process (even though i haven't been able to submit a single one yet). So yeah, that's what's going on in my life. What's going on with y'all? Let me know in the comments.

Love y'all and stay safe- Jordan