20. Panic! At the Disco

*above is the song "Take Yourself Home" by Troye Sivan. Listen to it if you want because I think it goes with the chapter*

After Kyra and I's exchange, which was heated to say the least, I wordlessly trudged home and went straight to my room.

My body felt like jello, and my mind wasn't any better, just a messy cocktail of panicked thoughts, pain, and the same five words bouncing around my brain– how did I get here?

I locked myself in my room and laid in my bed, staring at my ceiling in the dark. My family came to check on me in cycles, first Azalea after I hadn't come down for dinner, then the two little ones to see if I'd play games with them, then finally, Padre and Papa. Each time I'd open my mouth to say something through the door, but no words would come out. Instead, a measly whimper would push past my lips and an immense sensation of self-hatred and dread tore through me with the fierceness of a tornado and the mercilessness of a shark.

And there was nothing I could do.

It wasn't like I could tell my family because realistically, what could they do? There was nothing any of us could do to make Kyra keep my secret, so telling them would only cause more panic, and I couldn't put my family through that.

I'd just have to figure things out by myself.

But as the days quickly started going by, the dark gray cloud that was hanging over my head made it apparent that it didn't plan on going anywhere, blocking any light or feeling of warmth from penetrating it and getting to me. Including Tyler. When he was around, I'd try to put on a strong front, not wanting to scare him with something that neither of us could prevent, but the more he held me and smiled at me and just with me, I felt the crack in the wall I was hiding my emotions behind grow at a faster rate than I could try to cover it.

So, I did the only thing I could– I started calling in sick.

I couldn't deal with the stress and fear of the possibility that every eye that met mine could know my secret. That every whisper could be about me, that every post could be an exposé. It was too much.

It was on my third day calling in sick, a bit over a week since Kyra and I's final falling out, that Tyler decided to come over, a bowl of warm chicken soup and saltines in one hand and canda dry ginger ale in the other. "They fix everything," he simply said once he saw my confused face as he stood in the threshold of my bedroom door. "Trust me. It works miracles, whatever's got you down, this will fix."

I found a grin tugging at the corners of my lips as I took the miracle-working food from his hands. "Thanks." My voice was light and scratchy as I spoke. I stepped aside and let him in. My room was draped in a blanket of darkness with the only light coming from my muted television. Before Tyler had knocked on my door, I'd been stuck in my usual cycle of trying to feel normal and succumbing to my inner sadness and panic. No matter how much I tried to distract myself with writing or television, I couldn't escape my rut.

We settled on my bed, though I resisted my urge to rest my head on his shoulder like I usually did, instead, leaning my head against the headboard and staring at the TV in front of us, not making a move to unmute it. My lap was growing warm as I held the soup in it.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, the only sound that filled the room was my spoon as it dipped into the soup, though I wasn't taking more than baby sips, my stomach, though borderline empty, was unable to handle any food without the risk of throwing it up.

"Addison, are you good?" Tyler asked after almost five minutes of silence, gently tugging on the hood of my hoodie I was wearing, causing me to look at him. His eyebrows knitted as he ran his thumb under my eye. "You haven't been sleeping, have you?"

The assumption wasn't baseless. I most definitely had bags under my heavy eyes, but no matter how desperately I tried to sleep, I'd only get a blink before the dark gray clouds that hovered over me and mocked me unleashed the gallons of rain they held onto me at once. I'd stay awake shaking and crying, feeling weak and helpless. I hated it.

But instead of saying or doing anything that would worry Ty, I gave him a weary grin. "Yeah, whatever's got me doesn't want to let me sleep."

He gave me an understanding nod. "Well, when that happens with me, I usually sleep with the fan in my face, unless my nose is stuffy of course. I don't know why, but it just makes it easier for me to sleep."

I nodded, though I didn't say anything, instead, I looked down at the bowl in my lap as I swirled the spoon around in it. "So, uh, how's Serenity? She get back okay?" I asked in an effort to switch the topic of the conversation off of me.

"Yeah, she made it back with my mom," Tyler said, though his tone told me that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I noticed he got that way any time his mom was mentioned, and though I was curious as to why, I definitely wasn't in a position to pry.

I forced down a final bite of the soup which would've been delicious under different circumstances, but felt like battery acid as it slid down my throat. After I was sure it wasn't about to come back up, I put the bowl on my nightstand before I laid down with my back to Tyler. I didn't have it in me to ask him to leave, mainly because I knew if I kept talking and looking at him, he'd see right through me and I'd have no choice but to unload the dark heaviness that was festering within me onto him. I was just hoping he'd buy my wordless sick act and leave.

But I had no such luck.

He laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around me so he was spooning me, his body warm against mine. "Is this okay?" He softly asked as he snuck his hands beneath my sweatshirt so he was gripping my bare waist. His touch made me melt and caused a warmth to pool at my toes.

"You sure you want to be this close to someone who's sick?" I softly asked, trying to sound as weak as possible, which wasn't too hard because I'd easily fall over if I tried to stand up at that moment. "The team has that rematch against Ozae and I already wasn't there for the initial match, so I'd hate it if I dragged you down with me."

Without looking at him I could feel the room light up a bit more, letting me know that he was smiling. "It's a risk I think I'm willing to take," he said before he pushed a kiss into my hood.

How did I get so lucky with such an amazing guy that I really didn't want to hurt? We didn't even have an official title yet, and I was already on the verge of destroying everything we had.

"Ty?" I found myself calling into the darkness after a while.

"Hmm?" he hummed into my back, drowsiness in his voice.

"What is it about me that you like so much?" The question sounded insecure and borderline needy as it slid past my lips, however, I needed some form of affirmation that whatever we were meant something. Anything.

He chuckled as he gently started rubbing my stomach. "That's a loaded question, Addison Michael." I usually didn't like people addressing me by my middle name–especially since it'd been used in such a hateful way that last time it was uttered–but the way Tyler said it felt like my name was pieced together specifically for him to say it. "You're kind, funny, compassionate. You're always willing to put others before yourself and you're not afraid to put in hard work. Not to mention that you've got, like, an amazing body and a gorgeous face. I just love looking into your eyes and seeing every emotion flash in them before the rest of your face shows how you're feeling, if that makes sense. I also really like the way the freckles across your nose and cheeks come out when you're in the sun. And I like the way you're so...soft around me, I guess that's the way to describe it. You're not demanding or judgemental or anything like that. You just go with the flow and hold me and kiss me. I really like it when you kiss me." I chuckled at his last compliment. "There's a ton of other things about you that I can't even articulate, but yeah, that's why I like you so much."

His words made me feel like a giddy school girl and released a hoard of pterodactyls in my stomach, in both a good and bad way. In a weird way, underneath the pool of comfort his words gave me, sharks of guilt still sulked beneath the surface, waiting for the perfect moment to tear me apart.

I turned in his arms and looked at him, the limited light from the TV screen being the only thing that illuminated his face. "I like the way you're soft around me too, Ty. I also really like looking at you, like a lot, and I can't complain about the way you make me feel when you kiss me."

"You mean like this?" He asked before he gently pushed his lips to mine, the kiss soft and intimate.

"Exactly," I muttered against his lips before I let him kiss me again, slightly deepening it but in no way negating its purity and its solidarity.

He gently gripped the back of my neck and as the kiss progressed, I could help the tears that pooled behind my closed eyes or the pain I felt as the grief-fueled sharks tore me apart inside.

***

"Come on, Addi, I need your help here! How am I supposed to hook up with Lelani if I look like I lost a fight to a garbage truck?" Ian groaned as he looked at himself in his full body mirror. After I'd been "sick" for about four days, he'd come to my house and physically dragged me out of my room, onto the subway, and all the way back to his house so we could go to some party and he could make a move on Lelani, a girl he'd been hopelessly in love with since middle school. But I couldn't blame him. She was gorgeous.

"I'm sorry man, I'm just not much help right now. My brain is still scrambled," I admitted as I laid across his bed and looked at him. He didn't look too shabby with his oversized denim jacket over his hoodie and matching joggers. I wasn't the best but it wasn't terrible either, and though normal Addison would've cleaned him up a bit more, sleep-deprived Addison didn't even want to be there.

Ian rolled his eyes with a sigh. "Alright, come one, man. Maybe if you get some action then you'll be in a better mood and get your head out of your intestines."

The thought of "getting some action" from anyone other than Tyler made my insides crawl and my body feel icky, but nonetheless, I peeled myself off of his bed and followed him out. The sooner I went there, the sooner I could leave.

It was a short ten-ish minute journey, give or take a few minutes, and in no time, we were knocking at Haley Johnson's door, one of the popular girls in our grade whose parents were rich enough to buy their own country if they wanted to, and although I didn't particularly like her and her arrogant ego, she did throw some sick parties. Maybe this party was what I needed–a distraction from reality just for the night.

"Yooo! Ian!" Vinnie Harlow, Haley's slightly more likable boyfriend, greeted Ian, his voice slurred and painfully drunk. "I didn't *hic* think you'd make it."

"You always know I'm down for a good party," Ian shrugged with a grin.

"Of courseeeeee," Vinnie sang, his voice momentarily getting lost in the blaring loud music that filled the air before his attention turned to me. "Madison, it's so good to seeeee youuuu!" He threw his arms around me and placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

I had to resist the urge to cringe as I pulled away. I'd forgotten that Vinnie was a very messy drunk. "Addison," I corrected.

Vinnie cocked his head like a drunk lost puppy. "That's what I said, silly. Anyway, come in, come in! There's booze, beer, Quinton brought some extra fun goodies that'll get you higher than a kite, if you know what I mean." Vinnie wagged his slitted eyebrows as if he were being discreet with what the "goodies" were.

"Bro, you might as well have just said that Quin brought edibles, man. You are drunk if you think that was subtle or clever," Ian said with a laugh before he gently nudged my shoulder. "Come on, man. Let's get messed the hell up."

I posed no opposition to that suggestion as I followed him into the congested house. We were instantly swallowed into the throng of grinding bodies, drunk teenagers, and people who were doing things that would probably end with a few pregnancies. But I didn't care. All I cared about was the beautiful drink station that was calling to me with the tempting offer to help me erase all of my stress for a few hours at the price of a gnarly hangover in the morning. I was at the point where I'd do virtually anything to feel the same way I'd felt almost two weeks ago: just a boy in very deep like with someone. No drama, no fear of being outed. Nothing. And that's what I wanted to feel. Nothing,

The familiar yet bitter taste of beer slid down my throat, causing me to cringe as it went down. I let out a breath. Enough of these would definitely mess me the hell up, no doubt about it. "Ooh, dude, look, there she is," Ian excitedly said as he pointed out Lelani on the dance floor. Her beautiful mahogany skin stood out among the mainly-white crowd, but that wasn't the thing that drew your eyes to her. Her piercing gray eyes were filled with joy and her lively curly hair bounced with her as she danced. She was tall and curvy, but she owned her curves proudly, not afraid of the narrow-mindedness of others. Her perfectly painted fingernails were in the air as she effortlessly swayed to the music like a blade of grass in the wind. Her movements were carefree yet powerful and you couldn't help but be put under her spell.

She was amazing to say the least.

"What should I do? Should I, like, just dance over to her casually, or should I just go for it and strike up a conversation? Or, wait, would that be too forward? I also don't wanna come off as a little pussy. I don't know, what should I–"

"Dude, relax," I said with a chuckle, pseudo amused by his anxious word vomit. "You should just go and talk to her. Start out casual, maybe compliment what she's wearing but not in a weird horn-dog way, and slowly go from there like ask if she wants to dance with you or something. But just let the conversation flow naturally, don't try to force it or things will get super weird, okay? Just go with the flow. Let her lead."

He blankly looked at me for a second before he blinked. "Wow, uh, okay. I wasn't expecting you to be useful tonight. Thanks, man. I'll try and I guess I'll let you know how it goes."

I clapped him on his back as I took another swig of the liquid amnesia. "Go *burp* get 'em, tiger."

He rolled his eyes before he was enveloped by the crowd and made his way over to the girl of his dreams. I made my way to the outskirts of the crowd and people-watched as I waited for the alcohol to do its thing. I was relatively a lightweight, especially because I never really drank, however, it felt like forever until I started feeling the effects. I couldn't pinpoint exactly when it started, but I just felt blurry, like a trace of my former self. I felt light and giddy and ungrounded, like all of these emotions had been filling me like a hot air balloon and someone had finally cut me free.

I don't remember a lot of what happened, but I somehow ended up playing beer pong and missing almost every single shot, yet I somehow managed to empty out all of the cups (either I drank it or in my drunken stupor, I knocked everything over. Both were equally plausible). I was about to get some more beer, though the sheer amount of alcohol I was intaking with my body weight could kill me or at the very least knock me out until two weeks from now. However, that didn't keep me from my goal.

I was in the middle of brutally opening another bottle of beer with my bare hands, too impatient to find the bottle opener and not trusting anyone to get it for me, when I saw a familiar figure in the crowd. Her slick brown hair was curled and perfectly framed her face. Her brown doe eyes that had been filled with so much hatred now smiled as she laughed about something among her friends. And her smile...God, it could still melt the coldest heart. The familiar sight almost made me go over to her and say hi. Almost. But it was as if seeing her undid all the effects of the alcohol. A sudden overwhelming feeling spread through me like food dye in water and shackled itself to my ankles, pulling me deep into the dark sea I was trying to bury in myself, at least for the night.

My heart raced in my chest as I looked at the sheer amount of people that were at the party. She could easily out me to everyone here. Who she already told? Probably her friends, right? And if any of the popular dance team girls uttered a single word, Tyler and I would be done for before we even really started. Was that what she was planning to do?

The soles of my feet burned and my chest ached as if my heart were physically tearing itself apart as it tried to burst through my rib cage. I urged myself to stop looking at her, but I was frozen, petrified by a Medusa of my own worst nightmares.

And then her eyes met mine.

I felt all the air in my lungs physically leave my body as her once carefree joyful expression turned to one of pure hatred and disgust. And all five of her friends were looking at me too, expressions that mirrored Kyra's staining their faces. It suddenly felt as if the party had stopped and every pair of eyes were on me.

My blood rushed in my ears and tears of panic and fear filled my eyes as a small whimper was pulled from my lips. I was finally able to break through my momentary paralysis and run as fast as I could away from the dance floor, earning looks of confusion and annoyance from people as I bumped into them. Apologies formed on my tongue, but couldn't get past my sealed shut lips. With a tear-blurred vision, I messily stumbled up the stairs, my lungs begged for oxygen as I desperately turned each door handle I could, all of them locked signifying business on the other side. It wasn't until I'd reached the second hallway that I'd finally found a vacant room. I wasted no time throwing myself in and succumbing to my panic attack, which had felt like the thousandth in the past two weeks or so. But no matter how many times they'd ripped through me and savagely torn me apart with knives made of pure self-hatred and terror, I didn't know how to make them stop other than praying to God it stopped on its own before I passed out or seriously hurt myself.

"Per favore, Dio (please, God) don't do this to me now. I can't..." I started, my prayer interrupted by a new wave of insurgent tears and sobs, a bad combination with my hyperventilating. I hugged my knees to my chest and put my forehead to my knees, burying me in darkness as I rocked back and forth, the movement seemingly calming me down before. But it wasn't working. Nothing was.

"Per favore, Dio. Per favore, Dio," I found myself repeating before I heard the door opened. An unparalleled fear raced through my body at the idea that Kyra would be standing there when I looked up, a knowing smirk on her face and revenge burning through her soulless eyes.

"Addison, man, what's going on? What's happening?" Ian's voice questioned as I heard the sound of the door closing behind him then he took rushed steps toward me. "Are you okay? Are you just an emotional drunk? What's going on, because I saw you just run out like the devil was chasing you and–"

He was cut off by me tightly wrapping my arms around him, crying into his shoulder. I heard him gasp before he tightly held me. "Are you having a panic attack?"

I mutely nodded as I held him impossibly tighter. Right now, he was my anchor to reality away from my self-destructive thoughts and I couldn't let him slip through the cracks in my fingers. "Ok. Ok. Let it out, take your time, Addi, I'm here."

I screwed my eyes shut so tightly that an immense pain ripped through my skull and I saw colors dance before my eyes. My body calmed down on its own time, slowly. When I was done, I was still shaking in Ian's arms, my body weighed down by feeling ashamed and weak. I hated the power she held over me with just a single glance.

"I know this is a stupid question, but are you okay? You really scared me," Ian softly said, his voice void of its usual mocking tone. He made no attempt to break the hug.

"No," I admitted. "Ian, I messed up bad and now someone I care about might get hurt." The words slid past my lips before my mind could fully process them.

"Well, do you want to talk about it? I'm all ears, man, no rush. Do everything in your own time."

I pulled away so I could look at my best friend in the eyes. I hated being a burden to others, that was partially the reason I liked dealing with my problems on my own. So I wanted him to see that I truly meant what I was about to say. "No, it's fine. You have Lelani to get back to, and I know you were excited about seeing her and stuff, so you should really get back to her. I'm fine, honest."

Ian shook his head. "Lelani can wait, man. You're my best friend, and there's obviously something wrong. Now, I won't push it if you tell me no, but I'm definitely going to take you home and make sure you're good."

Underneath all of his crude jokes and sarcastic personality, I forgot how humane Ian was. I forgot about all of our times growing up that we'd console each other over the death of a pet or when our crushes didn't like us back, or, more importantly, when it felt like our worlds were falling apart and we needed each other the most.

He was right, he was my best friend. And best friends could tell each other anything.

"Okay, I, uh, have something to tell you then, I guess. But please, don't judge. How I went about everything was wrong, but I promise my heart was in the right place."

Ian simply nodded as he peeled off his jacket he was wearing, likely getting hot. "Walmart Oprah at your service."

I felt my lips turn up ever so slightly, but not enough to form a smile or even a simple grin. "So, as you know, Kyra and I had a very messy breakup and I inadvertently caused some of the mess. I, uh, I like this guy. I mean I like-like this guy and I have for a long time, even when Ky and I were dating. I never made a move on him while Ky and I were dating for obvious reasons, but also because I was trying to hold onto the fading love I had for Kyra, but it just didn't work. I'd fallen out of love with her and into...whatever with this guy. So, when Kyra broke up with me before Friday's game against the Bulldogs– well technically we were on break but to me that's almost worse than a full breakup, but anyways, I was heartbroken. Even though I was steadily falling out of a romantic love with her and more into a platonic love with her, it still hurt after everything we'd gone through and the confusion I still had. Yet, a few hours later, I was with this guy and he made me feel a range of emotions that I didn't feel with Kyra, no matter how much I wanted to.

"One thing led to another and me and him kind of ended up together. We're not officially dating, but we both really like each other. I see him almost every day and he makes me feel like the only person in the world. Do you understand how euphoric and intimate that feels?" Ian shook his head. I sighed. "He makes me feel like a million bucks, and every time we touch or hug or...kiss..." I trailed, trying to gage Ian's reaction.

His eyebrows shot up. "Wait, you've kissed him? Like multiple times?" I shyly nodded. Ian pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. I braced myself for a verbal thrashing seeing that my Papa did the same thing before he yelled at my siblings or myself. "So let me get this straight, Addison: you've developed feelings for a guy, you both like each other a lot, and y'all have been saliva buddies for over two weeks and I'm just now hearing about it? Dude, when you got with Ky, I was literally the first person you told after she said yes. I'm basically your diary with legs and a dick, what the hell man?" He gasped as he looked at me. "Did you write in your actual diary before you told me? Who else did you tell? Mr. Snuggles? Your imaginary dog–?"

"–I haven't talked to Covert since I was in fifth grade when my Papa accidentally told me imaginary pets aren't real, dude." Despite the seriousness of the situation, a chuckle left my lips. Whether he'd meant to or not, he'd killed most of my nerves regarding the subject through his crude numb-brained humor.

I bashfully looked away. " It wasn't like that, Ian. I didn't know how you'd react. Besides, neither of us are out yet, so it wouldn't be fair for me to expose him like that, even if it's just to you."

"Okay, okay, I'll give you a pass for the second half of your reasoning, but for the first half? Dude, come on, that's like asking a rainbow if it's okay with someone's favorite color being blue. Like a rainbow's job is to give us colors, it's my job to support you and you know I support you one-million percent. As long as you're happy and not doing anything too legal, who you love is who you love. I'm just glad Covert didn't know before me or I would've been pissed." I rolled my eyes at Ian's childishness before he slung an arm across my shoulders. "Well, I'm sorry things between you and Ky didn't work out, but I'm glad you and whoever this mystery guy is are happy. Will I be able to meet him?"

I broke eye contact and shrugged, not fully trusting my words. "Uh, I don't think so. At least not yet, but that's the problem. Kyra caught me with him–"

"Addison, you naughty dog–"

"No, not like that, Ian, get your head out of the gutter," I chastised with a blush. "She saw me kissing him or whatever and freaked. When I tried to talk to her and apologize and explain, she, rightfully, was beyond pissed with me. But the last time we spoke, she'd texted me to meet her so she could give me back all of my stuff or whatever. The conversation quickly got heated and she basically told me that she has the power to out me and him, and since I'd blind-sighted her, she just might blindsight me and out me whenever wherever."

Ian looked at me in shock. "She didn't." I mutely nodded. The bitter after taste of the words I'd spoken still plagued my tastebuds and rivaled the bitterness of the beer I'd ingested. "She can't do that! That's heartless! I mean, I get that she's hurt and I one-hundred percent agree that you went about things the wrong way in terms of getting with this mystery guy while you were on break and not fully broken up, but she does realize how dangerous it is for you two, right? Not to mention completely disrespectful, and did I mention heartless?"

"I tried to tell her, but she didn't care. That's why I freaked out tonight– I saw her on the dance floor and the way she and her friends looked at me with such hatred made me so scared. But part of me knows I deserve at least a little bit of what's happening so I can't complain too much–"

"Addison, no matter how much you messed up, no one deserves being outted, especially knowing your dads' stories with it, it's not acceptable and you shouldn't accept it either. Have you told your dads?"

I slowly shook my head, causing Ian to punch me.

"Dude, what the hell? They know better than anyone how to deal with this kind of thing, why wouldn't you tell them?" His words struck me in the chest, calling me out on how dumb I was, but I couldn't pull my family into this. I refused to. Call me stubborn.

"Because what can they do? There's nothing that they or I can do to ensure that Kyra won't tell and if we do try, that'll just make her more inclined to tell. Besides, when they were dealing with this, almost everyone except for my Papa's dad was their age so my Papa was able to beat the crap out of the people who hurt my Padre. I don't have that option, especially because, as of now, I'm not in any physical danger. Telling them would only make things worse."

"You don't know that, Addison. There are resources out there, support, anything. You can't' put yourself and this guy that you clearly care for a lot through this when there's another option." I opened my mouth to argue, but he put his finger up, effectively silencing me. "Addison, don't let your stubborn big dick energy persona put you in danger. Talk to your parents and talk to this boy because I'm assuming that based on your current irrational train of thought, you haven't told him for the same reason you haven't told your dads, and I would usually think the whole protecting those you love thing is awesome, but you're just being stupid and stupidity helps no one, I'm just being honest. Love you, mean it."

I sighed, knowing that he wouldn't give up until I gave him the answer he wanted. "Alright fine."

"Promise?"

My heart dropped knowing that this would be yet another promised I would have to break. Nevertheless, I nodded. "Promise." The word felt heavy as it slid across my lips.

"Good," he said as he stood up and offered me his hand. "Now come on, let's grab a tub of ice cream and watch the Avengers at my house. You've had a tough night and it doesn't need to be made harder by your dads busting your butt for still being buzzed."

"What about Lelani?"

A sly grin spread across Ian's face as he pulled out his phone. "I got her number, baby."

"I'm impressed," I admitted as I grabbed his other hand and started getting up. "I was honestly talking out of my butt earlier, not gonna lie. I had no idea it was going to work."

Ian narrowed his eyes at me and pushed me over again. "Hey!" I cried as a mild burst of pain moved through my rear as I landed on the hardwood floor.

"Oops, sorry I didn't know gravity was going to work," he said in a mocking tone before he made his way to the door. Once he opened it, he turned to me and his expression became impatient once he saw I hadn't made a move to get up. "Addison, come on! The stores close soon!"

"I need help! I'm buzzed remember," I said as I extended my arms to him like a toddler demanding to be picked up.

Ian rolled his eyes and muttered some choice words under his breath before he came over and roughly helped me up and slung my arm across his shoulders so I could lean on him for support. "I swear, the next time I have a panic attack, you better treat me this well or I'm going to bunt Mr. Snuggles off of Brooklyn Bridge."

***

Hey y'all, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. IDK why but I felt so clever with this title bc get-it? Panic (attack) at the disco (party)? I know I didn't have to explain that but yeah. Anyway, do y'all like longer chapters or shorter chapters? Let me know in the comments. Also don't forget to vote (not only for this book but for elections in November for Americans. Stay educated and pay attention because this voting cycle is extremely important!!) Also, what do you think about this coming out, heart-to-heart moment? If you read "Tear In My Heart" then you'll remember that Noah came out to Connor at a party as well. What are the odds? Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments! As always, the next chapter is already available on Inkitt for free! If you wanna check it out, click the Inkitt link in my bio!

Warning: things are going to pick up again hecka soon so stay tuned :)

Love y'all, Jordan

PS do y'all think the songs I've been attaching go with the chapters. I mean, I obviously do, but I wanna make sure that it does the same for y'all :)