15. Empathy & Identity

"Hey, slowpoke. I was worried I'd have to put out a missing person report," Kyra joked as I jogged down the hallway toward her.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Practice ran a bit long and I had to shower and stuff. But I'm here now," I said once I'd caught up to her, and it wasn't a complete lie. Had practice run long? Yes by like two minutes. Had I spent extra time in the shower? Yes because after all the boys had left, Tyler pulled me in and our lips continued to get to know each other and our hands were becoming familiar with one another's body.

But we both were fully clothed, and I still didn't know if I hated that or not.

"It's okay," she shrugged as we started making our way to the door. "I'm just glad that you agreed to do this. I'm just so used to going home with you that it feels wrong not to, you know?"

"Yeah," was all I could say. I had to admit, I missed the little things Kyra and I used to do whenever we saw each other and I definitely missed the taste of her various chapsticks when we kissed, but at the same time, I didn't know if I wanted it back. At least not yet.

Feelings are complicated, especially where Tyler's involved.

Our journey to the subway and onto the train was painstakingly silent and awkward. My phone vibrated in my pocket and showed a text from Tyler. I had to fight the grin that instantly tugged at the edge of my lips at bay.

Tyler [17:02]: hey, just wanted 2 check on u and make sure u made it home safely

Even the small things like that made my insides melt and my body yearn to be in his arms once more.

Me [17:03]: not yet. Taking Ky home per her request. I'll lyk when I get home. Thnx 4 checking tho :)

"Who are you texting?" Kyra asked, her tone curious, letting me know that she genuinely hadn't seen who I was texting.

"The boys. We were just talking about practice today," I easily lied as I slid my phone into my pocket. It made a part of me feel weird that I was getting so easy to lie to the person I once thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

"Oh," she said.

"So, uh, how's your mom?" I asked, trying to change the topic.

She shrugged as she looked at the various graphics and ads that lined the top of the subway car. "She's doing ok. She's still not eating a bunch and I still hear her crying in the shower, but other than that, she's getting better. She's talking to me, I even got her to laugh for a split second. But once she realized it, she stopped as if she were doing something wrong. I try to distract her in every way I can: watching TV, cooking, whatever. I'm trying to create some normalcy."

"And your dad..?"

She scoffed. "I don't know and I don't care. I've blocked him on everything, even my school email because he tried emailing me on it this morning. I just still can't believe..." she trailed before she shook her head. "I don't care that he's gay or whatever, I just wish he hadn't hurt my mom in the process, you know? She's amazing and kind and funny and doesn't deserve this at all. She doesn't deserve to have the man she fell in love with fall in love with someone else. It's just not fair."

I wrapped an arm around her in a side hug. "I know it sucks, Ky. But you will get through it, both of you. I know it's easier said than done, but just keep fighting. You've got to have each other's backs because right now, you're all each other has."

She wrapped her arms around me, turning the side hug into a full-blown hug. She buried her face in my chest and held me tight. "Thanks, Addi. I can't talk to anyone the way I can talk to you. Thank you."

"Your welcome." My voice was muffled as I spoke into her hair. I hoped that she couldn't hear the conflict in my voice. She was always really good at that. She was always really good at everything. Holding her in my arms sparked something in my chest. Guilt. The same feeling that'd been eating at me like a parasite, growing with each kiss Tyler and I shared, and every time Kyra smiled at me. I felt like I wasn't being fair. Even though I wasn't "with" either of them, I felt like I was emotionally cheating on both, even though I didn't want to do the things I wanted to do with Tyler with Kyra, at least not anymore, it still felt weird.

I kept telling myself I was feeling this way because everything with Tyler was new and my break up was so sudden. Yeah. That was it.

Before long, we were standing in front of Kyra's front door. An awkward tension filled the air. Usually, I'd let her climb on my back and I'd run her up to her room where we'd watch TV and steal kisses while her mom made food in the kitchen. But that wasn't us anymore. I wasn't here as a concerned boyfriend. I was here as a friend.

"Thanks for taking me home, Addison," Kyra said as she gave me a quick hug. "I appreciate it."

"No problem," I said, as I hugged her back, trying not to let go too quickly as she pulled away. "Tell your mom I said hi," I requested as she put her key in the door and headed in.

"Why don't you tell her yourself? I bet she'd be happy to see you."

Despite how badly I wanted to decline and put as much space between Kyra and me as possible in order to satiate the weird feeling growing in my chest, I couldn't bring myself to do it. What would I have said? "Sorry, I don't want to see your depressed mother"? "I would, but being around you makes me feel really guilty especially because I pseudo-moved on mere hours after you broke up with me. Tell your mom I hope she gets better though."? Yeah, no. Both of those options made me sound like a total dick.

I looked at the quickly darkening sky. It was Padre's night to cook and I didn't want to be a second late to the masterpiece he'd make, so the quicker I got in, the quicker I could leave. "Okay, I'll pop in right quick but then I gotta head home before my dads get worried."

Kyra grinned. "Of course." She stepped aside to let me walk in. "Mom! You have a visitor!"

"In here, sweetie!" her mom called back, but her voice missed its usual brightness. Her words felt hollow and empty and pained.

I followed Kyra to the living room where her mom was sitting on the couch watching TV, though it was obvious she wasn't actually paying attention. She was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with her hair down. It was messy and obviously unbrushed, though I wasn't passing judgment. It was just weird seeing her like that when she was usually so polished and posed.

When she saw me she smiled, though it didn't quite meet her eyes. "Hi, Addi. It's nice to see you again."

"Hi, Mrs. K. It's nice to see you too."

"Are you hungry? I was letting the chicken for those quesadillas you like marinate in the fridge, but they should be done. I can make those for you."

"Thanks, Mrs. K, but you don't have to go through the trouble of--"

"Nonsense!" she countered, already up and heading toward the kitchen. "Get comfortable! I'll get right on it."

I wanted to excuse myself or simply run out of the house if that's what it took. But the look in Mrs. K's eyes and Kyra's words of cooking being her mother's distraction from her pain told me I couldn't. Sighing in defeat, I sat down in a single chair next to the couch so Kyra couldn't sit next to me. "Thanks," I said, trying my best not to sound to upset about not being able to hang out with Tyler liked I planned. I grabbed my phone and texted Papa.

Me [17:56]: I won't be home for dinner. A friend's going through something, I'll explain when I get home. Save me some food though. Love you.

This was going to be a long evening.

***

"Addi, we missed you at dinner. Is your friend okay?" Papa asked as I walked into their bedroom. It was a bit past eight when I finally made it home, and even then I had to take a long shower to get the feeling of guilt and shame off of me. And despite how tired I was, I needed to talk to my dads in an effort to understand what I was feeling.

I sat at the end of their bed, trying to find the best way to describe my situation without straight out saying it. I looked at the tattoo on Papa's chest that read "Love you always" in Padre's handwriting signed by him, myself, Azzy, Adryan, and Emerson.

Papa's eyebrows knit together as he took his glasses off, resting them on the nightstand next to the book he'd undoubtedly been reading that matched the book on Padre's nightstand. They had this thing where they'd read the same book at night and talk about it as they went. It was like they were a book club of two. "Addison, what's wrong? You've been getting distant and you always seem distracted. You can talk to us about anything. We want you to talk to us--"

"And no matter what it is, we won't be mad. We'll help you through whatever it is that you need," Padre added. I looked back at their bedroom door to make sure it was closed as I braced myself to tell them what'd been weighing so heavily on me. I had to remind myself that they'd been through the same thing more or less and unlike them when they were my age, I had parents that I could talk to that wouldn't make me feel like an abomination for who I am.

"I, uh, I don't know who I am anymore," I softly said. "I...I don't know. I thought I was in love with Ky, but now..." I put my head in my hands, frustrated that I couldn't articulate my thoughts in the neat way that I had wanted. So I just had to say it. "I have feelings for Tyler. Like feeling feelings. And he feels the same. We're kind of, I don't know, but he makes me feel all kinds of things that I didn't feel with Ky. I mean, even before Ky and I went on break, I would always feel something with Tyler that I didn't feel with her, no matter how hard I fought it. Now I'm with him and I'm super happy, but I feel extremely guilty every time she hugs me or smiles at me or even looks at me. I mean I'm not fully gay, but I'm definitely not straight based on how Tyler makes me feel. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I miss her and would get back with her or if I want to see where this secret thing with Ty can lead."

By the time I was done, I was breathing heavily. My head was still in my hands so I couldn't look my fathers in the eyes, but I knew they had a shocked look on their faces. "Addison, son, look up," Papa gently said. I slowly did as I was told.

"Your confusion is completely valid and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us," he continued.

"Was Tyler the friend you were 'helping'?" Padre asked, a grin tugging at the edge of his lips as he made air quotes.

I groaned. "No dad, it wasn't like that. I was actually with Ky helping out her mom. Don't tell anyone I told you, but her parents are heading towards a divorce. Her dad cheated on her mom with another man so she's taking it really hard. Ky told me that cooking helps take her mind off of things and she insisted on making us quesadillas and I couldn't really say no with the state she's in. That's also what makes me feel more guilty: the fact that she lost her father to another man and she lost me too." My words hung heavy in the air as a blush stained my cheeks. She had lost me. To Tyler.

"Addison, it's okay. Come here," Papa said as he opened his arms for me to give him a hug. I climbed up their king-sized bed and rested my head on his chest and he instantly wrapped his arms around me. "When I was younger before I met your father, I went through a similar ordeal: there was a girl that I was dating, her name was Kimberly Hails or something, anyway, she really liked me and would always talk about our future together, and I did care about her, but I couldn't reciprocate the feeling. I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and I knew that stringing her along wouldn't be beneficial for either of us. So I told her. Of course, we broke up after that, but she'd taken it pretty well. The moral of the story is that you can't suffer or suppress yourself for someone else because you'll both end up sad and hurt in the end."

"I went through something similar when I was around your age too," Padre joined in. "You remember Gracie? We haven't seen her in a while, but when I was your age and finding my sexuality, about the time I met your father, she had a huge crush on me. I mean monumental. But, being the dumb teenager I was, I never really realized it. We never dated, but we were pretty close. But when I met your father, everything changed. I knew that I wanted to be with him, and even though I knew what I wanted, I still had times when I was confused or felt guilty or like I'd be betraying my Nona or God or something. But I decided that what we had was too good to let go, no matter what struggles or battles we faced. We faced them together."

"And look at us now: married with four beautiful children living out our dreams." Papa smiled at Padre before he kissed Padre's forehead. "But, differing from us, you seem to fall somewhere on the bisexual spectrum. Where exactly you are is for you to find out, but we're still here to help. As for the guilt you're feeling with Kyra, do you feel more guilty that you 'left her for Tyler' as you see it, or that you're enjoying your time with Tyler without her?"

"A little bit of both to be honest. Everything feels right with him. Even though we're a secret whatever-we-are-right-now thing, everything feels so natural, like I've been with him forever. It's weird to explain."

"I understand, Addi. That's how I felt with your father," Padre related. "You said you're not officially together, correct?"

"Yeah. I mean, I haven't asked him out or anything, but it feels like we are."

Padre grinned at Papa. "It's like us all over again, Mads." Papa chuckled in response before Padre continued. "Your father never asked me out. He just kissed me, I spent the night at his place, then he claimed me as his boyfriend. Didn't ask, claimed."

"And you still stayed, did you not?" Papa asked as he raised an amused brow.

"That's not the point. The point is that it's okay to not have a label now, but just be clear about where you two stand, alright? I don't want you to get hurt. Another point is to not just claim someone, but to ask them first."

I nodded with a chuckle as Papa rolled his eyes at Padre's not so subtle shade.

"So, you two aren't surprised or think I'm in the wrong for liking Tyler and being with him while Ky and I are 'on a break'?"

Papa shrugged. "Your sexuality doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to be. I mean we can act surprised if that's what you want. But you're still the same Addi today that you were yesterday, and nothing you do or say will make us view you any differently."

"I agree with your father. As for thinking you're wrong, I don't think you are. As long as you ended things with Kyra first, you did the right thing. When did you break things off?"

"Last Friday right before the game."

Papa sucked in a breath. "Ouch."

"When did you start things with Tyler?" Padre asked.

I looked down at my hands. "Last Friday after the game," I softly said.

Papa's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Oh, so you didn't waste any time, huh?"

Padre hit him. "Madison!"

"And is he the one who gave you these?" Papa playfully asked poking at my neck where my newly uncovered hickies were. I blushed. "Noah, it seems like Addison is taking up after us when we were his age."

"Dad--!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Papa said as he patted my back. "But that's my boy right there. And hey, at least we don't have to worry about him getting Ty pregnant."

"Dad!"

"You're right, Mads. So when can we start calling him son-in-law?" Padre asked, building off of the playfulness Papa had set.

I groaned. "Padre, fermarsi (stop)!"

"Okay, son, we'll stop," Papa said with a chuckle before sobering up. "But on a serious note, your father and I hope that you two are being safe--"

"Papa, it's not like--"

"Not in that way Addison. Well, yes in that way, but also be safe with who you tell. I know you kids these days tend to be more accepting, but there are people out there who wish to do people in our community harm for something we don't choose. So please, Addison, be careful. We don't want to get arrested for beating up someone who looks at you sideways, but we won't hesitate to do it for you."

"I will, Papa. Lo prometto (I promise)."

"Good," he said before he kissed my forehead. "We can talk about this more later if you'd like. Your father and I are always here to talk, but it's getting late and you have school tomorrow. It's also your night to cook tomorrow."

"Ugh!" I groaned.

"'Ugh!' is right," Padre chuckled before he too kissed my forehead. "Goodnight, Addison."

"Goodnight," I said to both of them before I pushed myself out of their bed. I was about to leave when I stopped in my tracks and turned to them. "Please don't tell Azzy or Adryan or Emerson or anyone that you know. Not even Tyler if you see him. I'm not ready for other people to know yet."

Padre gave me a sympathetic grin. "Addi, we wouldn't take that away from you. It's special."

"Okay," I said. "Thanks."

I walked out and closed their door behind me before I made my way back to my room, popping into all of my sibling's rooms to say goodnight on my way there. I crashed onto my bed and looked at my ceiling, realizing the magnitude of what I'd just done.

I'd come out to my parents. And they accepted me without hesitation.

A grin tugged at the edge of my lips as I grabbed my phone from its position on my nightstand and sent a quick message to Tyler.

Me [10:05]: hey Ty. I finally made it home. How does dinner at my house tomorrow sound?

I didn't even have to wait a full minute before he responded.

Tyler [10:05]: my dad's off tomorrow so it sounds like a plan. But it better beat the pasta we had

Me [10:06]: Oh trust me it will. I'm italian, remember?

Me [10:07]: Goodnight. See you tomorrow

Tyler [10:07]: Goodnight Addi. C U tomorrow. Meet in studio A before classes start tomorrow?

A grin spread across my face as I typed back.

Me [10:07]: I'll see you then.

***

Hey y'all. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. How do you feel about Kyra and her mom? How do you feel about Addi coming out to his dads? How do you feel about his relationship with Ty? Spoiler alert: everything starts going downhill next chapter. If you want to read the next chapter a week before it's available on Wattpad, click on the Inkitt link in my bio to read the next chapter for free!

I'll see you guys next time and I hope you all have a good rest of your week!

Love y'all- Jordan