Find Me on the Ice: Chapter 5

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Damn, that was hot. Fuck.

“I shouldn’t have given him my number,” I shout at Chloe. “Why did I do that? That was so stupid!”

We need to get out of here. Chloe is dragging me through the crowd. We rush out the front door right as the car pulls up in front of us, and we jump inside.

The second our door shuts, Bill, our driver, slams on the gas, and flashes of light go off in the rearview mirror.

My heart is about to burst out of my damn chest. I cannot believe that just happened. Well, actually, I can’t believe of things just happened.

One, that I almost had my face captured by the paparazzi with my inconveniently famous best friend. Two, that I danced with that guy, Cam, like . I have never been turned on so much in my life. Never been so willing to hand over control.

I was about to rip my clothes off on the dance floor before the paps showed up. Getting so caught up in the present was thrilling, freeing, exactly what I wanted, what I needed. But I can’t live like that forever—or even for another second.

I repeat the name over and over in my head. To remind myself why I’m here in the first place, why nights like this are too risky, especially with someone as publicly known as Chloe. Why nights with a guy like Cam are dumb and irresponsible. And that a night is all it can ever be.

One picture, one snap of a moment, and Trey will find me. Being a cop has its perks. Trey might think I’m dead. But if someone he knows or someone I knew sees a photo of me and tells him, he will stop at nothing to find me. And all of those job perks will allow him to do just that.

Three years, I have been hiding in the shadows. I can’t let myself have nights like this because it makes me want more. But more is dangerous.

Part of me wants to take a gun and lodge a bullet between his eyes. I don’t think I would be able to pull the trigger in the end, to take someone’s life. But I guess people don’t know what they are capable of until they are staring death in the face.

Anger boils up inside of me. Pure rage for the power Trey still holds to ruin one of the best nights of my life without even knowing it.

“Fuck!” I slap my hand on the headrest in front of me.

Chloe’s hand immediately falls onto my arm. “Hey, are you okay?”

My brows crease, and my eyes fly open as I whip my head to her. “Am I okay, Chlo?! I’m about to lose my mind. But I’m pretty sure we’ve already passed that!”

Gasping, I do my best to slow my heart rate, my breathing. Just the thought of him potentially finding me has me almost spiraling into a panic attack.

. Name five things I can touch—a coping skill I found online for panic attacks and anxiety.

My gasps are loud enough to grab the attention of Bill.

As my fingers wrap around the headrest in front of me, I whisper, “One.”

Kicking my shoes off, I grab one of them. “Two.”

I push myself to count five things, to focus on each one, not giving myself a spare second to continue getting lost in my own head.

Chloe shoves her purse in my lap, and I reach inside and grab the first thing my hand touches—sunglasses.

“Three.”

I hold the bag up. “Four.”

Wrapping my fingers around the charcoal strap across my chest, I say, “Five.”

My breathing starts to slow, and I inhale long and hard, sucking air in until it burns and then slowly exhaling. I continue to do this until my breathing is normal and my head is clear.

Needing to feel something cold, I lean my head against the window and close my eyes for the remainder of the ride. And when the car rolls to a stop at our hotel, I’m so emotionally and physically drained that I just want to sleep until we head home.

“You want to stay in here a bit longer?” Chloe asks as she rests her hand on top of mine, squeezing gently.

“No, I want to go shower and crawl in bed,” I say.

She nods, and we walk in silence into the hotel, then our room—or I should say, luxurious suite. Because Chloe Dupont does it no other way.

“Come here,” Chloe says when the door behind us clicks shut.

Her arms are stretched out wide, waiting for my hug. And I throw myself into them as the lump in my throat breaks free, and sobs heave from my chest.

“It’s okay, Nikki. It’ll be okay,” she says softly as she rubs my back.

My voice is uneven and shaky as I say, “I’m so exhausted, Chloe. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sick and tired of living in the shadows because of him. If Trey didn’t still fucking own me, I would have enjoyed the night and probably fucked Cam. But, no, I don’t get to meet people. I don’t get happily ever afters. I get fucking nightmares.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice thick with sorrow.

“I just want to shower and go to sleep. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning and just forget about this night.” I sigh, forcing any residual feelings from the night away.

Without meeting her eyes, I turn and walk into the bathroom with a newfound heaviness. I wasn’t even sure the weight I always felt could get heavier. I start the shower, strip, and step into the burning hot water, letting it wash the sweat and stickiness from dancing and the feeling of hope down the drain.

I wash my hair fast, just wanting to feel the comfort of a warm blanket, and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself.

Steam fogs up the oversize mirror as I approach the double sink. Removing the towel from my body, I wipe the mirror off until I’m faced with my own reflection.

The truth is that I can’t afford the thoughts of dreams and wishes because they will make me reckless.

My empty stare travels over my body, spending extra time on the abundance of small scars up and down my arms and the tops of my shoulders. My heart catches on fire as my gaze locks on to the thick white scar on my neck.

He has taken everything from me—my sense of safety, my family, my life. He takes and takes and never stops. He takes the peace out of my dreams when I sleep. He takes the air out of my lungs when I think of him.

Anger surges inside of me as a memory surfaces in my mind, one I wish I could forget completely. But one that reminds me exactly of who Trey is.