Find Me on the Ice: Chapter 16

My heart rate feels deadly as Cam walks backward into my bathroom, completely naked. I cannot believe what just happened. My skin is humming from the tingles erupting all over my body.

That vibrator and I have had lots of practice together, but, holy shit, I have never come like that from it before. I know that Cam is the reason why, and I knew the second the vibrations touched me that it was going to be intense. But when he leaned over me and his breath hit my lips, I saw fucking stars in my eyes.

. The way he looked, sitting across from me—the way he was looking me—I wish I had taken a photo so that I could stare at that image forever.

The water starts in the bathroom, pulling my mind to the present.

Cam is so attractive, and I sometimes forget that when we text or talk on the phone. But in person, it is so much different. I know how to talk to Cam and how to open up and listen, but I don’t really know how to interact with him up close, especially after everything we’ve shared.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how he towers over me. I think, at first, that intimidated me, but now, it feels protective and comforting. Then, there are his stunning blue eyes that contrast his dark brown hair and tan skin. I could look at him forever and never get tired of it.

Deciding I don’t want to seem like all I’ve been doing is sitting here, thinking about him, I stand up and slide my shorts on. Grabbing my vibrator, I walk over to my side of the bed and stow it back in its drawer right as the bathroom door opens.

“Will you sleep in bed with me?” The question leaves my parted lips before I can stop it.

Cam stutter-steps as he walks over to the couch, and a smirk lifts a corner of his lips up.

“What side is yours?” Cam asks. He grabs a pair of underwear from one of his bags.

I can’t resist watching him with his backside turned to me—an impeccable backside at that. He catches me staring as he turns around, and smiles.

“I-I don’t care. I practically sleep in the middle, to be honest,” I mumble as he walks over to me, wearing only black boxers. “But you can have this side.”

I step away from him and walk over to the light switches and turn them off. The only light that remains is a lamp in my living room.

As I spin around, I’m startled when Cam is right in front of me instead of by the bed, where I left him.

Silence surrounds us, and it makes everything else more noticeable—the charge in the air, the way our chests rise and fall, and the way he carefully closes the distance between us.

Without a word, he lifts his hands to my face and cups my jaw on each side, and his thumbs begin to stroke my cheeks with a featherlight touch.

I pull back from him out of instinct, immediately feeling guilty for reacting to him that way. I can’t always help it, being triggered by things that remind me of Trey. Sometimes, I’m not even aware of it consciously; it’s my body that is reacting. Whether in fear of what could happen or fear of what previously did.

Cam has never made me feel scared of him, and I have to remind myself of that before I lean further into his touch. What we did on my couches was intimate, but this feels so much more vulnerable.

Taking a deep breath, I’m suddenly overcome with emotion from what I feel for him. I didn’t want to fall for Cam. Well, I guess that’s not entirely the truth. I wanted to fall for Cam, but Trey made me not want to. But I can’t control it anymore, and I’m not sure I ever could.

Cam’s eyes bore into mine with such ferocious sincerity and adoration. His lips part, and he leans down toward me so slowly that I know it’s because he’s giving me a second to pull away if I want to. But that is the last thing I will do right now.

I lift my head against his hands, and it’s all the permission he needs for his lips to melt into mine.

He kisses me gently and sweetly, but I can feel the passion in the touch of his fingertips, in the way his body lines up with mine, and in the way his lips aren’t saying a thing.

He knows he doesn’t need to always fill the silence. Instead of saying something he thinks I want to hear, he touches me gently, showing me how soft and tender he will be with me. It shows me so much more than a compliment could. Our bodies speak to each other in a way our words never will.

His forehead rolls onto mine for a brief moment before he pulls away, biting his smiling bottom lip.

“How long do I have you for?” I ask him as I walk over to the bed and pull the comforter and top sheet back.

“My flight leaves tomorrow at two p.m.,” he says as he waits for me to crawl into bed before he does the same.

We both roll onto our sides and face each other. It’s exactly what we do when we FaceTime, except that I can reach out and actually touch him now.

“Okay,” I breathe. “Will you be back?” My hand quivers beneath the blanket with nervousness.

He smiles at me. “As soon as I can.”

“Good. I’d like that,” I say softly.

His blue eyes are locked on to mine, and I can’t look away. They look so different right now than they did when we first met. Granted, we were in a dark club with flashing lights. But if anyone had looked close enough, they would have seen what I saw too. A wall, a mask, a barrier, whatever you want to call it, sat between his eyes and mine. But as we lie side by side, nothing sits between us. It’s an odd feeling—to be so exposed to someone else—but it feels right with Cam.

Reaching his hand out to me, he runs his fingers through my hair and tucks the runaway strands behind my ear. “Can I hold you while we sleep?”

I nod as my cheeks redden and my stomach flutters. “Yeah.”

I roll over onto my back and then the other side and inch backward to him.

His fingers wrap around my waist, and in one movement, he pulls me flush against him and adjusts his arms, one tucked under my head and the other wrapped over my waist.

I’m not only enveloped by him, but by the scent of green apples, amber, and musk. Closing my eyes, I inhale through my nose, feeling waves of comfort wash over me with each breath.

“Good night, Nikki,” he whispers into my ear.

. There’s that damn name again.

I don’t deserve the care and tenderness he has given me when I’ve been lying to him this whole time. But I’m not ready to open that box of secrets yet.

. The only word I would use to describe waking up in Cam’s arms.

“Nikki?” Cam whispers as my eyelashes flutter open, and I realize that my head is lying on a very firm yet surprisingly comfortable chest with my arm draped across his torso.

I haven’t felt this well rested in years, nor have I slept that tranquilly. “Mmhmm?”

The deepest chuckle vibrates against my cheek.

“How long have you been awake?” I ask as I lift my seemingly heavy head and turn to look at him. I swear his eyes might be bluer in the morning, or I’m just imagining it.

He yawns and says, “About a half hour.”

Crossing my hands on his chest, I lay my head down on top of them. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

His tongue swipes his bottom lip before the cheesiest smile spreads across that perfect face of his. “You were sleeping so peacefully. There’s no way I could have woken you and ruined that, especially when I was lucky enough to hold you during it.”

Butterflies the size of dragons soar in my stomach. “So, you were watching me sleep?”

“Absolutely,” he says without pause.

I don’t have to guess what Cam is thinking or feeling; he tells me, and more importantly, he me.

The backs of his fingertips caress my cheek. “I will always stare at you. I can’t help it. My eyes were made just to see you. In a room full of people, I would spot you in a heartbeat.”

I know people can die from heartbreak, but can the opposite of that kill you too? Because my heart feels like it’s going to explode.

My cheeks are burning. “What if I didn’t have pink hair? It wouldn’t be nearly as easy.”

He glares at me in the most adoring way. “Your hair color has nothing to do with the way I am drawn to you. I do like the pink though; it suits you.”

His heartbeat kicks up—I can feel it under my hands. Pride and joy blossom in my chest because I know that I am the reason.

But guilt finds me immediately. I want to tell him that I feel the same way. That I never thought I would be able to start to trust someone again after Trey. I want to grab his sexy face and kiss him senseless. But I can’t let him give himself to me when he thinks I’m .

Sliding my hands up his chest, I press two kisses on his bare skin and breathe him in before meeting his eyes. “You are perfection, Cameron.”

I sit up and crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t lose Cam—it would hurt too much. He wiggled his way past all the walls I had built and latched himself on to my heart. I just have to figure out the plan, how to ensure my safety and to make sure Cam knows the truth about who I really am.

After I gather myself and change, I find Cam in my kitchen, drinking water, still shirtless, but it seems he decided to put pants on at least. Not that I minded the shirtlessness. Hockey players must be the fittest athletes on the planet. Cam is pure muscle.

After we grab breakfast down at the shop, we spend some time with Chloe, and Cam learns how to make from-scratch chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins. Chloe and Cam get along so well, and that brings me more happiness than I could have imagined. Before I know it, the morning and afternoon have passed, and Cam has to be on his way back to New York. We share another sweet and loving kiss and an endless longing look before he leaves.

And I have had an ache in my chest since.

“You’re literally sulking.” Chloe laughs.

I chuck my spoon at her, trying to hide my smile. Lucky for her, it was before it went into my ice cream. “I am not. Shut up.”

She sets her pint down and crosses her legs up on my couch. “You . Awww, Nik’s in loooove.”

“

not anything,” I groan.

She takes a deep breath. “Have you thought about telling him?”

Rolling my eyes to her, I say, “Of course I have thought about it, Chlo. But it’s not just about me. It’s not that simple, and you know that.”

“Why can’t it be?” Chloe asks with ease.

More than anything, I want it to be. If it only involved me, I would want to have the conversation about who I really was. But it’d immediately put my family in danger.

What Cam and I have already done is dangerous enough.

I should cut it off where we are.

A cold shiver runs down my spine at the thought. I don’t want to stop talking to Cam.

My eyes burn from frustration as Chloe takes my hand in hers. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed it.”

I shake my head, and a tear falls down my cheek. “No, it’s fine. I’m so torn, Chlo. I don’t know what to do.”

Rubbing the back of my hand, she says softly, “Yeah, you do. The bottom line is, you like him, and you want to see him. So, let’s go.”

“What do you mean?” I scoff.

She lets go of my hand and types rapidly into her phone. “They are playing tomorrow night. We’re going.”

I laugh and begin to stand when I’m yanked by my shirt back down to the couch.

“It’s about damn time that you get a little piece of your happiness, Morgan! We’re going to this game because you deserve to smile. And I’ve never seen you smile like you do with Cam.” She shoves her phone into my hands. “You pick the seats. I’ll book the plane and make sure we have signs up for the shop’s closure.”

Blinking the tears out of my eyes, I lift her phone up and look for the seats farthest from the ice. Not that I don’t want to see Cam play, but I don’t want anyone else to see me. So, I select the absolute farthest row and add two tickets into the cart and hand it back to her.

“Good. I’ll get everything ready. Don’t stress for a second about the shop. Our customers are the best and most understanding. We’ll give the regulars a free drink when we see them again,” she assures me as she stands up and walks away into the kitchen.

I often think about where I would be right now if I’d never met Chloe. But I always have a hard time picturing it. Maybe because I don’t want to imagine what it would be like. She’s right, as she annoyingly usually is. I deserve to be happy too. I just don’t know how far I’ll let myself fall into comfort and love before it’s too late and everyone else falls with me.

Walking over to my bed, I notice something black tucked under the corner of the comforter. Pulling it back, I find Cam’s hoodie, and I freeze. Gently, I bring it up to my face and breathe it in, feeling my shoulders relax as I exhale.

Cam is ruining all of my plans of staying hidden and tucked away. But the only place I find myself wanting to be lately is with him. He understands me—better than he even knows. He knows true terror and pain; he knows what it’s like to be hurt by someone you love.

I inhale again and know that two paths lie ahead of me, and I need to choose one—either I will be forced to say good-bye to the first true comfort that I have found in years or I need to reveal the truth of who I am.

“I swear to God, Nikki, you are never in charge of buying the tickets again,” Chloe complains as we continue to climb the never-ending stairs to our seats.

I laugh. “You told me to pick.”

She turns around and scolds me with her stare. “Well, I didn’t think you would pick the last row in the rink.”

Shrugging, I turn and follow her down the row into our seats as the light show continues in the dimmed rink.

This is the first hockey game I’ve ever been to. I’ve watched bits and pieces of games that my dad used to have on the TV, but I couldn’t tell you a single thing about it. My dad would probably fangirl if he ever met Cam. My dad is a big hockey fan. Well, he’s a big fan of pretty much every sport, but he has a soft spot for hockey.

The crowd goes crazy as I turn around and sit down, and I quickly find the reason why. Silver-and-black-and-white jerseys decorate the ice as the Nighthawks fly onto it. The cheering is almost deafening, and I wasn’t expecting to feel so exhilarated.

I recognize the Nighthawks logo on the jerseys, and I immediately start looking for Cam.

They seem so far away that it’s almost impossible to even tell what the jerseys say, so I’m forced to rely on the Jumbotron.

And then I see him, and the noise seems to stop. The camera follows him as he glides on the ice, handling the puck with such grace. It’s mesmerizing, watching him in his true element.

The camera locks on to a different player, and I sigh. I wish I could bribe whoever’s controlling that to stay on Cam the whole night. Every time I get a glimpse of him, I feel my stomach flutter.

My mind and my heart are in a constant war right now. I know what I feel for Cam is real and evolving. And I’m afraid that my heart might win in the end, and that scares me more than anything. I push the never-ending thoughts away and focus on the present.

I glance over and see Chloe completely unaware of the fact that we’re at a game right now. She is so zoned into her phone with a smile on her face.

“Who are you texting that makes you look like that?” I nudge her with my shoulder.

She locks her phone and stares at me. “Nobody.”

“And you expect me to believe that? Spill,” I demand.

She bites her lip and looks around before leaning into me and whispering, “I kind of met someone.”

Pulling back, I playfully slap her arm. “And you’re just telling me? When did you meet? Where? Who is it?”

She looks around again, and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s having an affair with a big celebrity or something.

“Nik, this is super secret. No one can know,” she warns me, as if she isn’t protecting the biggest secret I’ll ever have.

I don’t even say a word. I just stare at her in bewilderment.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh, you know what I mean. It’s just a big deal, and he would get into so, much trouble if this got out.” She leans back into my ear. “It’s my dad’s business partner.”

I gasp, and my eyes fly open. “Oh my God, Chloe! Which one?” I start laughing. “Your dad is going to kill you.”

“Mark Ledger. It’s a good thing that my other will protect me.” She winks.

“Nope.” I laugh. “Don’t do that again. Horrible. Keep it in your bedroom. And instead of picking a lower-level business partner, you picked the one who works with your dad every single day? You’re .”

She smirks. “I know.”

Our attention drifts back to the ice as the announcers say something completely inaudible.

Number nineteen flashes across the screen as the teams skate off of the ice. Grabbing my phone, I snap a picture of the ice down below and send it to Cam.

Me: Good luck, Cameron. XO Just a few minutes later, the announcer shouts into the mic, “Are you ready for some Nighthawks hockey?!”

The rink explodes with cheers from the thousands of attendees. The announcer quickly tells us the visiting team’s starting lineup with almost no excitement.

A beat of silence passes before he roars into the mic with immense enthusiasm, “Let’s meet your starting Nighthawks! Number sixteen, Alec Kostelecky!”

The crowd cheers and hollers.

“Number nineteen, Cam Costelloooo!”

“Woo!” I scream along with everyone else.

Cam flies out onto the ice and joins Alec at his side. I don’t know how Cam makes skating so attractive, but it’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen. But that could totally be because I know exactly what he looks like out of that uniform.

The rest of the team is announced, and the US anthem is sung before the teams are ready for the puck drop.

I can’t take my eyes off of him. The way he is so completely in the zone and exactly himself. It’s a turn-on to see him do what he loves.

The whistle blows, the puck drops, and my heart races as I realize that I’m totally screwed. I’m falling for a Nighthawk, and I don’t think he’ll ever let me go—and I don’t want him to. I’ll find a way to make it all work out. I have to.

The first period flies by, and I have a feeling I am going to become a huge hockey fan—or rather a huge hockey-player fan. The score is zero to zero as the teams go toward their locker rooms.

“Having fun?” Chloe asks me as I take a sip of the water we grabbed at concessions before the game.

“Yes, a lot of fun.” I pause. “Thank you for making me come tonight.”

She smiles at me, and I see pride in her stare. “Don’t mention it. If being at a Nighthawks game makes you smile like that, I’ll buy season passes, and we’ll fly out for every game.”

“Maybe someday.” I grin at the hopeful hypothetical.

Scanning the crowd around us, I make a quick check for any unwelcome surprises. The only person raising a semi-red flag on my radar is this guy in a suit on the steps, studying the crowd.

I pull my gaze away from him, but my focus remains. I track him in my peripheral vision, and my hairs stand up on my arms.

“Everything okay?” Chloe asks as she sets her hand on my bouncing knee.

“Man on the stairs to our right. He’s been standing there and looking around,” I whisper to her without moving my head.

“I’m sure he’s just looking for someone he knows. Maybe he just got here.” She tries to calm my nerves.

But her attempt fails miserably as he takes a step up to our row and turns our way. I stick my hand in my bag to wrap my fingers around my bottle of pepper spray, and then I remember I couldn’t bring it in because of the damn bag checks.

. I clench a pen and click it to expose the pointiest part.

He’s only a couple of seats away when I dare to look up. My stomach twists. He’s looking at me like he knows who I am, like he’s here for me.

I grip the pen tighter in my hand and get ready to fight.

“Are you Nikki?” the man shouts over the deafening noise of the crowd.

.

My heart pounds against my rib cage as I nod my head.

“Would you and your friend come with me, please?” the man asks with an enthusiastic smile.

“Why would we do that? We don’t know you,” I snap and quickly calm my growing fear.

If this were an attempt from Trey, he wouldn’t have done this. He would have waited until after the game to make his move. He would have grabbed me in the chaos of the emptying rink.

“Mr. Costello sent me to bring you both to new seats,” he tells us, less friendly than before.

Guilt burns my chest as I realize I was rude to this man for no reason. But I’m taking enough risks as it is. I don’t need to be taking any additional ones by following a strange man simply because he requested it.

“Cam sent you?” I ask him again simply because I don’t know what else to say. “Where are you taking us?”

“Down to the glass.”

Chloe grabs both of our purses, and I release the pen instantly.

She stands up. “Thank God. Let’s go!”

Before I can protest, she grabs my arm and pulls me up out of my seat and begins to follow this guy.

“Chloe, what the hell is wrong with you?” I shout-whisper to her.

“Cam went out of his way to do this for you. Take it for what it is and stop overthinking it, Nik. Enjoy it, please,” she says sweetly.

My heart contracts as I let my fear fall away. Fear that this was all a setup from Trey. That he knew about Cam and this was an elaborate plan.

I can’t believe Cam really did this for me, that he went out of his way to move me to a better seat. I honestly didn’t think that I would find someone after Trey. I swore love and men off for good. I swore to keep to myself and stay hidden. But it’s impossible to be invisible around Cam. He sees me like no one ever has.

“Right this way,” the man orders as we continue to descend the stairs.

After what feels like a short hike, we reach the glass and are brought to two empty seats next to the Nighthawks bench.

The players skate out onto the ice, all beginning to circle and shoot pucks into the net. My eyes find my number nineteen instantly. He’s already looking my way.

Cam winks at me as he glides across the ice and blows me a kiss, and I swear, if I wasn’t in an ice box right now, I would actually .