: Chapter 21

I don’t see Jax for three days.

The banging from the forge has been nonstop, though, so I know he’s busy.

The first morning after Alek visited the bakery, I was relieved when Jax didn’t wander down the lane, because I didn’t want to feel like I was keeping a secret from my best friend. Alek’s warnings kept pounding against the inside of my head. I don’t know what to think about any of it. The message he showed me wasn’t anything concerning—but I know they wouldn’t be paying this much silver if they were all this innocuous. Was this a trick? A test? Did Jax fail? Will I?

And … do I want to carry these messages? Alek saved my life. Do I owe it to him? Jax was willing to do it for me. Does that mean I owe it to him?

But what was he doing with Lord Tycho? The last time we discussed this, Jax was going to try to fashion a new seal so we could discover the contents of these messages … but then he spent hours with the King’s Courier?

I don’t know what to make of any of it, and I don’t like the way my stomach has begun to twist with feelings of distrust and betrayal—on both sides.

By the third morning, I’m beginning to wonder who’s keeping more secrets: me or Jax.

He comes down the lane at midday, easing his way into the bakery with soot on his knuckles and an unconcerned expression on his face. “Hey, Cal,” he says, like we just saw each other hours ago.

“Jax,” I say in surprise.

Nora tackles him with a hug, and Jax smiles, letting go of a crutch long enough to give her braid a tug. “It’s good to see you, too,” he says.

Then his eyes meet mine, and I find a spark of wariness there. The distance between us feels like a hundred miles, and I’m not sure if it’s on my side, or if it’s on his.

My tongue feels tied up in knots.

He frowns and straightens. “I … wanted to talk to you,” he says to me.

I swallow. “Sure.”

Nora sighs dramatically. “I’m not going to collect eggs again, Jax. So don’t even think about it. I’m tired of being left out of your gossip.”

He rolls his eyes, but I shrug and say, “Fine, Nora. We’ll go get the eggs. You watch the bakery.”

She stares at me as I stride across the floor. “But Cally-cal—”

I hold the door for Jax, and then I let it slam in her face.

“She won’t follow?” he says.

“She knows I’d cut her braids off in her sleep if she left the bakery unattended.”

A bitter wind tugs at my skirts when we cross the barnyard, and I grab one of the milking buckets when we slip through the door. The hens do peck at my wrists, but I’m quick, easing the eggs into the steel bucket.

After a minute, I realize Jax hasn’t said anything.

Neither have I.

“What did you want to talk about?” I ask him.

“I think I owe you an apology.”

Of anything he could have said, that surprises me the most. I stop and turn to look at him. His hazel-green eyes are shadowed in the dim light of the barn.

“An apology?” I say. “Why?”

“Because I think I’ve lost the trust of the Truthbringers.” He pauses. “I don’t think they’ll be having me carry any messages anymore.”

I’m such an idiot that I almost say, Oh! I knew that. But Alek warned me to keep his visit a secret. Would I be putting Jax in danger if I revealed this? Would I be putting myself in danger? And where would all that leave Nora?

I don’t know how this all got so complicated so fast.

I stop my thoughts and clear my throat. “Why not?”

“Lord Tycho came to the forge,” he says. “A few days ago.” He tells me how Tycho told Master Ellis a story about a broken carriage, how they spent the afternoon talking.

I remember what Alek said, about how Jax wasn’t trustworthy. My heart sinks. “And you told him?” I say quietly.

“What?”

“You told Lord Tycho about the messages you’ve been carrying?”

“No!” Jax says in surprise. He shoves a loose lock of hair behind his ear. “You think I’d be standing here if I’d admitted that?”

I frown. “Then what happened?”

“Lord Alek showed up and demanded the letter.” Jax looks away. “I hadn’t had time to try to re-create the seal. I have no idea what it said. But Lord Tycho tried to get him to leave, and he wouldn’t, so then they fought. And it—it was awful.” Jax runs a hand across his jaw. “There was so much blood. I thought Lord Alek killed him.”

My heart is pounding. I remember the smear of blood on the envelope. This had to be the same night Lord Alek came to the bakery.

But Lord Tycho attacked him with magic. I saw the injury myself.

And they fought over a message about fabrics? I just don’t understand.

“Alek attacked him?” I say.

He twists up his face. “It seemed pretty mutual. Alek provoked him, but Tycho threatened him with magic. And when Alek put hands on him, Tycho set him on fire.”

I remember Nora’s voice when she talked about the way Tycho healed Jax. She wondered if he could melt the flesh from someone’s bones.

“I don’t like any of this,” I say to him, and my voice is rough.

“I don’t either.” He pauses, taking a long breath that he blows out through his teeth. “I should’ve told you earlier, but Da has been spending so much time in the forge. And … I’ve felt so guilty about losing the silver, Cal.”

“Never mind about the silver.” I set the bucket of eggs in the straw beside my feet. “I’m glad you weren’t hurt.”

“I thought he was going to kill me.”

“Tycho?”

Jax frowns. “No. Lord Alek.” He pauses, and a new note enters his voice. “Tycho was …” He runs a hand over the back of his neck. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll likely never see him again.”

I study him. “Lord Tycho was what?”

Jax shrugs. “It’s nothing.”

But it’s not nothing. He’s blushing. Just the tiniest bit. I’d attribute it to the cold if I didn’t know him better.

I’ve been feeling guilty about keeping secrets, but suddenly I don’t feel like I’m the only one.

“You fancy him,” I whisper.

“No.” But his blush deepens. “He’s the King’s Courier, Cal.”

“Trust me. I know.”

He blinks and studies me. “You’re angry?”

I don’t know what I am. I’m afraid. I’m desperate. I’m tired.

Underneath all of that, I feel like I’ve taken a fist to the gut. And it’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. I’ve known Jax forever, so it’s silly to wonder why he wouldn’t fancy me, when we’ve grown up alongside each other.

For my mother, the war was more important. For my father, avenging my mother was more important. For Jax …

Mama always used to say you were wasting your time pining after Jax. I never understood why.

I’m such an idiot. He’s not rejecting me, and I know that, but my chest is tight and hot anyway.

He’s choosing someone else. He’s choosing someone else with magic.

“I need to go,” I say, and suddenly I sound like I’m a breath away from crying. “If I don’t get back in the bakery, Nora is going to come looking for me.”

“You are angry.” He’s frowning now, his eyes locked on my face.

I pick up the bucket of eggs and turn for the barn door. “I’m glad you weren’t hurt,” I say.

“Cal!”

I toss him a look over my shoulder. “You’re such a fool, Jax. You’re lucky you weren’t killed.”

“Because of the silver? The Truthbringers? Cal, would you stop?”

I don’t stop.

I’m halfway across the barnyard when he calls out to me. “Cal, I said I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I call back, and then I’m through the door into the bakery.

I stand there, breathing heavily, and I wait for him to come after me. He doesn’t.

I called him a fool, but he’s not.

I am.

“What’s wrong?” Nora whispers. “What happened to Jax?”

“Nothing,” I say, and to my surprise, I have to swipe tears out of my eyes.

I hear her boots rushing across the floor, and I expect her to burst through the door and go after Jax. Instead, I’m startled when her arms wrap around my waist.

“It’s all right,” she says softly. “Whatever it is, it’s all right. I still love you, Cally-cal.”

I hug her back. “For as annoying as you are,” I say, “you have your moments.”

“I’m only hugging you because you fetched the eggs.”

It makes me laugh through my tears, but I quickly sober. It wasn’t Jax’s responsibility to save the bakery. He’s always been my best friend, and nothing more. He can fancy whoever he likes.

My responsibility is to Nora. To the bakery. To myself.

Lord Alek asked if I’d be willing to hang right alongside my best friend, and I said yes. I meant it when I said it.

But honestly, I’d rather not hang at all.

I wonder what Mother would think of Lord Alek and the Truthbringers. I remember how she used to tell me to throw a stone over the mountain to crush the skull of soldiers in Emberfall.

Emberfall, the birthplace of our king. The king, whose magic supposedly summoned that monster that killed her.

The king, whose magic is in those rings on Tycho’s fingers.

I don’t have to wonder. I know what side she’d be on.

Mama always used to say you were wasting your time pining after Jax.

She was right. Maybe she was right about a lot of things.

No matter what happened with Jax and Lord Tycho, he was putting himself at risk to help save us both. My parents put themselves at risk for the same reason.

For the first time in my life, I have a chance to do the same thing.

When Lord Alek returns, I take his note, I take his silver, and I keep my mouth shut.