Lily&The Bake Sale

I would be lying if I said I never thought about Matthew Bonner. Matter of fact, I would be the biggest liar. Every time I looked at my little 5 year old spitfire, I saw a living, breathing version of him. Matilda Rose. She was so sure of herself. So smart. A mouth on her already. I guess she came from that on both sides.

Over the past five years, I had used my voice but in a different way other than arguing with Matt. I used my voice in the form of the written word. I did indeed take over Tea's blogs. My mission was to make women feel like a million bucks with little to no bucks. I transformed the blog into so much more than plus size fashion. I still did feature vintage find pieces every Wednesday. That was a special day of the week. It was the day of the week, I found out about Mattie(she insists on being called that instead of Matilda). I did posts about online clothing sales, in store clearance sales, and cheap beauty product finds. I also created a forum on my site where women could discuss topics that concerned them. The blog was doing so well that I could pay my rent without holding my breath. I am amazed of what all I have accomplished. I even feel calm about the future in all but one aspect. I was nervous about the unspoken truth. I had been hiding in plain sight. Matt just hadn't found me or my secret out.

I learned about his upcoming nuptials in the supermarket. It was splattered all over Page Six in the checkout aisle. I should have never picked that garbage up. I'm not sure why it made me so upset. In reality he was never mine. I had the biggest part of him, and he still wouldn't have picked me. I vowed to not come back to that supermarket store for a few weeks until the article couldn't find its way to me again. It was my go to organic store.

Organic stuff doesn't last that long, especially with a growing little monster. Later that week, I had to go to Organic Mart(real original). So much for that vow. I needed to get items to make something for Mattie's school's bake sale on Friday. I guess I could have just bought something pre- packaged, but Mattie was looking forward to baking with me. Way to work the mom guilt! So, after school pick up on Thursday, we headed straight to the store. She had her hair in lopsided pig tails, and a stain or her untucked uniform shirt. She was a smiley snaggle-toothed mess but she was beyond cute.

"Mama, please don't be mad. I accidentally dropped my popsicle at lunch. I finished my lunch, so I got dessert."

"Mattie, I'm not mad. It happens. Are you ready to look for all the baking stuff we need?"

"Yes, mama. Let's go!!"

It was a five minute walk from her school to the market. From there it was another five to our apartment. It was just one of the reasons, I had chosen that private school. We walked through the automatic doors and grabbed a basket. I wasn't going to try to bake but so much, just in case it didn't turn out great.

"Okay, Mattie. What's the plan? What are we making?"

"Chocolate chip cookies and cream cheese brownies!"

"Okay. Let's do it, girlfriend!"

She let out a little giggle and we high fived.

Mattie takes off in a mad dash to aisle 6. The baking supply aisle.

"Alright, sweet pea. We need chocolate chips, oil, flour, vanilla, and sugar."

I kept scanning the shelves and back over to Mattie to make sure she was staying close. I was lamenting over the cost of organic flour. Should I fork over 5 bucks for one brand or 10 bucks for the other? I was trying to read the labels and make a comparison. In the 30 seconds of reading over the labels and glancing back at Mattie, she had taken off somewhere in the store. Crap! She's so quick. That mom fear kicked in immediately. I started power walking down each aisle. All the way in the back of the store was the last place I needed to check. As I approached, I heard a little squeaky voice.

"Can you reach the cream cheese for me? I'm too short."

"Here you go. Where's your mommy,?" asks man's low voice.

I finally reached exactly where Mattie is was at. She turned to face me as I tried to walk up behind her .

"Mama, there you are. I couldn't reach the cream cheese for brownies. I had to ask this guy for help. I know you said not to talk to strangers." She's pointing in the direction of the said stranger. I haven't looked up from watching Mattie's tiny pouty lip quivering. I kneeled to tell her it's okay and give her a big hug.

"Mattie, you can't run off without mama. Now tell this nice gentlemen thank you for helping you."

I stand up and about pee my pants. I was literally speechless. Matthew Bonner in the flesh was staring at me. He had the biggest scowl on his face. What a big surprise coming from him! Ha!

"M'am, it's not a problem, but next time you need to watch your daughter more carefully."

Mattie interjects. "Mama was watching. I just took off. We are making cream cheese brownies for my school's bake sale tomorrow."

I follow up with, "Mattie, I know you think you are a big girl, but you do have to stay by mama."

"But I am a big girl. I'm five!"

Matt's eyes look that are going to pop out his head. He has the stupidest condescending look to go with it.

"Nice to see you, Ms. Thomas. I see you've been busy the last few years."

"I could say the same for you, Mr. Bonner. Congrats on your engagement."

I had so much I needed and wanted to tell him, but it couldn't spew out all at once in the middle of Organic Mart.

Matt insists, "Well, I moved on. Looks like you have too. Congrats to you and your husband."

"I'm not married."

Mattie perks up, "Mama isn't married. We don't know where my daddy is."

Uh oh. Code red. Code red. I quick fake a slight coughing fit, hoping and praying that will distract from the awkward comment. Matt is fidgeting with his grocery basket's handle, and tried to tie up the conversation.

He concedes with, "Mattie, that's a shame. Lucky you have a good mama. Good luck with your bake sale. Lily, take care of yourself. I need to finish up here."

"Yep, you too."

I watched him walk down to the end of the aisle and out of sight. He didn't turn around once. My head was completely spinning. Mattie had no idea she just met her dad for the first time. As far as I could tell Matt hadn't had a light bulb moment. I had to protect Mattie at all costs.

"Let's take this stuff and go check out, kiddo."

Mattie seemed distracted all night with our baking adventure. She hadn't asked once about the man in the grocery store and how he knew me. Our cookies and brownies came out half burnt, but they were edible. That had to do more with my lack of baking skills and not my Matt Bonner dilemma.

Mattie had a great day at school on Friday according to her. She was headed to Tea's for the weekend. Surprisingly, she had found a great man three months after my pregnancy announcement. He worked at the Times too. Their combined love of journalism had them quickly fall in love with each other. Miss independent Tea was pregnant in no time. Mattie now had a good buddy Cassie who was 4 years old.

Tea was still my ever consistent rock. She would sometimes take Mattie on the weekends so she could play with Cassie, and give me a break. It was also Tea's way of encouraging to date. Although, I never used my free weekend for that. It was just too complicated. Although, complicated had given me a blessing, I wasn't looking for a repeat. No more cases of love them once(one hour) and then leave. I was going to use the weekend to catch up on blog posts. I hadn't even mentioned the grocery store encounter to Tea.

The whole incident was giving me writer's block. By Friday night at 8, I was in my jammies with a big glass of red wine(from a box. Cheap habits die hard). I was reading over all the moms' posts to my website's forum. Women were asking how I was able to have such a glamorous life a 5 year old and do it all as a single mom? Some were about feeling lost and losing their identity. Where had their passions gone? Where did I find my strength to keep moving forward? It just hit a nerve with me. The booze probably helped a little, but after staring a blank screen for a good hour, emotions starting pouring out.

To Whom It May Concern,

I'm writing this message to all the readers who think I have it all together. Well, I don't. Oh, and guess what? That's okay. It's okay for you too. You are enough. If no one else tells you that, know that I mean it. I have needed to hear those words myself for a little over 5 years. One day you are a naive office assistant that's sinking fast, and a child lands in your lap. I was lost. There have been only a few times in my 30 years, where I have been authentic with myself. I wasted time pursuing a degree that wasn't my passion. Art is great, but it doesn't make me happy. I wasted time pursuing what I thought was love. It wasn't. I have clung to what is true and constant. Friends that have become family. Now I have my own little family. I will always be my daughter's constant. Good things came to me because I hung in there. I'm sorry I don't have more profound advice, but that's just what you have to do. Good things will come from all your broken pieces. One day something will just click, whether that be a job, a man, or a child with your same kindred spirit. I've got 2 out of 3, and one day I'll find that third. Matilda Rose named after the love I felt for a man. That doesn't diminish her light. She is my light that shines within. Stay strong ladies.

-Lily Thomas

(Mattie's Mom)