Chapter 44

I feel like a fucking fool. I wish I’d never come back for Christmas. Just seeing Emilia fucking hurts. Thankfully, I haven’t had to see her with Landon since that first day, but just knowing she is someone else’s tears me apart.

She clearly didn’t give a shit about me if it only took her three months to get over me and start dating someone else. I practically begged her to be my girlfriend twice, and I pursued her for an entire year. Yet she starts dating Landon within three months. It’s obvious I’ve been an idiot. I thought she was genuinely worried about her friendship with Kate, but now I’m wondering if that might have been an excuse. Maybe she didn’t know how to tell me she didn’t have feelings for me. Maybe to her, I was nothing more than a friend with benefits, while I thought she was the love of my life.

Emilia walks into the house and freezes when she sees me. Things are so awkward between us now. Maybe she was right all along. She and I never should’ve gotten together. Rather than joining Kate and me on the sofa like she usually would’ve done, she disappears into the kitchen instead.

“She’s been weird since you got back,” Kate tells me. She glances at me suspiciously and I look away.

“We just kind of grew apart while I was gone. I haven’t really spoken to her in months now.” Just admitting that much hurts, but it’s true. We said we’d move on, and we have. I’m not sure how long it’ll take us to get back to normal. I’m not sure we ever will.

Kate nods, and it annoys me that she looks somewhat pleased. “I actually kind of thought she had a thing for you, you know. I’m glad she doesn’t. Can you imagine how messed up things would get if you two dated and broke up?”

If only she knew the half of it. “Why did you think she had a thing for me?” I ask, unable to curb my curiosity.

Kate looks at me in disbelief. “Dude, are you blind? The way she used to look at you sometimes was just straight up indecent. It was so awkward. I was terrified she’d seduce you or something, like all my other friends. I love you both too much to let that happen. You’d be a disaster together.”

Her words grate on me. I can’t understand why she hates the idea of us so much. “Unlike her and London?”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s Landon. Landon, and yeah. They’re so cute together. He freaking adores her. I feel like she only sorta liked you because no one else ever had a chance to approach her. You were kind of her only choice. And the way you two argue and mess with each other is insane. I can’t even imagine how awful you two would be together if you ever dated. God, can you imagine just how devastated Mom would be if you broke up and Emilia stopped coming over? We both know Emilia is secretly her favorite child. And, you know, forget about you breaking up — just your arguments would affect everyone so much. I’d hate it, and I know Mom would too.”

I don’t even know what to say to that, not that it matters at this point. “Either way, she and I are just friends, if that. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Kate nods and sighs in relief. “Thank God for that. I’m so relieved she’s dating Landon now. You two were just a disaster in the making.”

I nod, trying my best to ignore the dull ache in my chest. Is it true? Did Emilia only want me because she didn’t have anyone else to choose from? Is it because I kept everyone else away from her? I’m not too sure. I didn’t treat her that much differently to how I treated Kate, and Kate still managed to go on a bunch of dates, some of which I’m sure were with my own best friend.

Emilia walks into the living room and smiles at me tightly before sitting next to Kate. She’s wearing a short dress that rides up when she sits down, and I’m instantly reminded of the way I pinned her against my window a few days ago. I was furious and I wanted her so badly. I shouldn’t have touched her the way I did, but hell, she shouldn’t have responded the way she did. She was soaking wet. Three more seconds and she’d have come all over my fingers.

“Okay, so, The Grinch or Home Alone?” Kate asks. Emilia grins and I know this is going to take forever, because she loves both of them wholeheartedly. The way she smiles makes my heart feel funny. When did I even fall for her? I can’t pinpoint a moment from after which I thought of her as mine. I think I might very well always have been in love with Emilia Parker.

I sigh and walk away. There’s no way I can get through an evening of watching movies with her, pretending nothing is wrong, when not a single thing in my world feels right. I walk into my bedroom and stare outside. How many times have we exchanged messages through our windows? How many times have I sat here watching her instead of doing my homework?

The door behind me opens and Emilia walks in, quickly closing it behind her. She pauses and leans against the door.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hey.”

Emilia has never been awkward or polite with me, not even once. It’s weird that we’re acting like we’re strangers.

“Can we talk?” she asks. I nod and she walks to my bed. She sits down and clearly expects me to come sit down next to her, but I walk towards my desk chair instead.

“You’ve been weird,” Emilia says. I look at her, unsure how to even reply to that.

“Weird how?”

She shrugs, as though she can’t quite pinpoint it either.

“I asked you to be my girlfriend, and you said no. We both moved on. You moved on quicker than I did, but whatever. We’re back to what we used to be, aren’t we? Just friends, or something like that.”

Emilia shakes her head. “But we’re not, Carter. We aren’t friends. You’re just avoiding me and you won’t speak to me. Even pranks are off the table now,” she says, her voice breaking.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what you want from me, Emilia. When I offered you the world, it was too much. Now that I’m treating you the way you asked me to, it isn’t enough. Nothing will ever please you, and I’m done trying. Let’s just treat each other civilly in front of our families and let’s just let things be. Maybe we’ll find a way to go back to what we were before, maybe we won’t.”

She gulps and looks at me, tears gathering in her eyes. I look away. I can’t stand to see the pain in her expression, but I know I need a clean break.

“That would be okay with you?” she asks, her voice faltering. “If you and I were nothing more than strangers, would that be okay with you?”

No. It wouldn’t be. But it’ll have to be.

“Yes,” I say.

Emilia nods and turns to walk out. Every fiber of my being is yelling for me to follow her, but I know I can’t. Emilia has made her choice, and it’s time I accept that. She and I will never be together, and I need to learn to be okay with that. Not every story has a happy ending, and I guess ours is just one of those.