1.15 - Desperation And Depression

~~*~~

For the next few days, Cali didn't leave his apartment unless he had class. Even then, he turned up right as the bell went and was the first to leave. He didn't want to risk bumping into his classmates from Vulcan Studies, or even Commander Spock, in the hallways.

He still left like shit, but he didn't have anyone to go to to help him feel better. Despite his friendly attitude, Cali didn't actually have any friends. He'd thought he had friends before, but they had turned on him when he broke up with his last ex, apparently only hanging around him because of his relationship. Jim hadn't spoken to him since walking away after shouting at him that day after their ruined dinner. Cali didn't blame him. He was stupid. He felt stupid for acting like this. He knew it was all just stupid.

Most of his time was now just spent not leaving his bed. Barely eating. Not showering. Not bothering to make offerings to his gods. The flowers had long since wilted, the candle not lit in days. They'd probably abandoned him like everyone else had.

He just felt so tired all the time, yet he couldn't seem to sleep. He wanted to cry, yet nothing came out.

He hated himself. He'd ruined what he had with Jim. He was gonna ruin what he had with Spock.

He deserved to feel like this.

~~*~~

Bones noticed as soon as Jim got home that night that something was wrong. He tried to get his friend to talk about it, but the man was too angry. He pretty much stayed silent for the night from the moment he entered the dorm to the moment he went to sleep. It worried Bones to see his friend like that. Jim was never one to be silent. Especially when he was angry. He would always rant for hours about nothing until he finally ran out of steam or Bones got fed up and got him to shut up.

He decided to step out briefly once Jim had finally fallen asleep and called Cali on his communicator to see if he knew what had happened to cause Jim to be so angry. He didn't get a reply but didn't really think much of it since it was late, so the younger man was probably just sleeping.

The next morning, he tried to get Jim to tell him what had happened again. He didn't say much. Only confirmed that something had happened. Bones tried Cali again, but there was no reply.

The night, Jim finally let slip that whatever happened involved his boyfriend but didn't explain how. He called again. Still no reply. He was starting to get worried.

The next day, Bones finally got Jim to actually tell him what had happened, but even then, he didn't get the full story. He knew that they had gone for dinner, someone had said something about Cali and a fight broke out. Bones didn't understand why Jim was so obviously angry at Cali, if it was the younger man who was the victim. Called again. No reply.

Another day. Interrogate. No answer. Call. No reply.

Bones was now very worried over both Jim and Cali. Jim was his best friend and he had really started to care for Cali. The two had been almost inseparable and yet, whatever happened, had made them practically split up. And he still didn't know why.

Bones finally got an answer a day later, Jim came home drunk and alone to their dorm late in the night and spilled what had actually happened. Bones was appalled at the behaviour of Cali's classmates.

As soon as he finally knew what had happened, he tried calling and then opted to message Cali, asking if he was okay. When he hadn't gotten a reply an hour later, Bones left the dorm and headed over to Cali's apartment. Having seen the state of his best friend, he feared for Cali's wellbeing.

As soon as he got there, he knocked. Silence. Again. Silence. Bones messaged again and knocked, but neither got a reaction. Bones didn't have the key to Cali's apartment. He would have asked Jim where he kept his one before leaving, but the man had passed out on the bed shortly after telling him about the full incident. Sighing, he went back to his dorm to sleep.

He'd try again tomorrow.

~~*~~

The next day, Bones finally managed to catch up with Cali in the afternoon, going to the room of his class. It was the only one Bones actually knew the timetable of, Jim and Cali both having mentioned it several times since it was the younger's favourite. Bones was afraid that he would miss Cali on the way in, since he assumed the man would get to the class early and be inside. Luckily, he spotted the familiar silver-haired-man at the door and called over.

~~*~~

Cali was standing outside of the Vulcan class, not wanting to enter earlier than needed, both to avoid the commander he had wanted to spend so much time with before and to avoid being around the class that had been spreading rumours about him.

He had been tempted to skip, this being the first Vulcan Studies lesson of the week as well as being a Thursday meaning he'd likely be expected to stay behind. But he managed to talk himself into going, not having missed any of his other classes that week despite everything and not wanting to start now if he could help it.

However, when he heard his name called by the familiar gruff voice of Bones, he immediately went to enter the class, pretending not to have heard the older man in hopes of avoiding him. He knew the man was worried about him, having seen the many missed calls and messages asking how he was, but just didn't want to talk to his partner's best friend.

Unfortunately, Bones caught him before he reached the door and stopped his escape plan. "Hey, Jim told me what happened, are you okay?" Bones asked in concern, looking over Cali and easily spotting the black line under his eyes having expanded to look like dark bags. Was he getting any sleep?

Cali didn't look at Bones, keeping his eyes low as he spoke quietly. "I need to get into class."

"I'm surprised you're not already in, Vulcan's your favourite." Bones commented and didn't miss the very subtle flinch as Cali looked further away, just towards the door to the class.

"I'm gonna be late." Cali replied insistently.

Sighing, Bones nodded. "Fine, don't want that. I don't have any more classes today, so I'll wait out here for you."

Cali didn't say anything, silently praying that Bones would just leave but also screaming at himself to just let the man help him. He entered the classroom, dreading what he was stepping into.

~~*~~

From the moment Cali entered, Spock looked up from his desk. He'd already seen that Cali wasn't in early like he usually was and had been waiting for him to arrive. Looking at the clock on his desk, Spock noted that the cadet was very almost late. Looking back up at him, he observed his appearance and could clearly see the bags under his eyes, slumped shoulders, and general exhaustion. He noticed worriedly that the man was clearly upset.

Peering over at the closing door, Spock spotted an older man who he had seen hanging out with Cali and his partner before. One of his friends. He was watching Cali as he walked away from him with clear concern in his expression. Watching Cali sit in his seat and keep his eyes on the desk, avoiding looking at anyone around the room, Spock wondered what happened to cause the upbeat man to become so upset. Remembering the incident he had witnessed the previous week between his partner and people Spock recognised to be from this very class that he had planned to question the man on today, he contemplated whether that was what was causing his drastic change in mood.

He didn't have much chance to continue theorising as he had to begin his lesson, however he did keep an eye on the class, especially Cali, throughout. There was a clear tension in the room. Though what was causing it, Spock couldn't work out. The class is much quieter than normal, he noted. No one in the class seemed to be turning to Cali for assistance throughout like they normally did. Cali was keeping his head down the entire time, eyes locked on the PADD as he completed the work in silence.

Seeing how he was obviously unwell, Spock allowed Cali to have the lesson to himself. He avoided calling on him for answers as he usually did. Spock hoped that he would cheer throughout the lesson. He had noted of other occasions that his lessons seemed to brighten Cali's mood when he was upset. However, there was no change by the end of the lesson.

As everyone began packing up and leaving, Spock looked over at Cali in confusion. The man was packing up his PADDs quickly, as if he couldn't wait to leave the class like everyone else. Did he not remember it was Thursday? Spock couldn't stop the feeling of hurt from rising as he watched Cali practically run out of the class.

Spock almost let him, in shock out of his out of character Cali was acting today, however at the last moment, he called his name. He may have let him have the lesson to himself, but Spock still wanted to know what was wrong. And needed to question him about the incident. "Cadet Caliaire." Spock could see Cali physically flinch as his feet froze their movement a few meters from the door. Shocked at the action, Spock suddenly became worried that he had inadvertently done something that had caused some form of hurt for the normally warm man.

As the other students walked past the frozen Cali, who hadn't moved since his name had been called, Spock noticed as some of them whispered things to him or made strange gestures that the Vulcan didn't recognise, but could assume were not pleasant.

As the door was held open by the leaving students, Spock spotted Cali's friend just outside, waiting for him, still looking worried. He was tempted to allow the man to enter for a moment, hoping that the presence of his friend may help Cali to feel better, but decided it was best not to since they would be talking about a possibly sensitive incident.

The last student left, and Spock noted that Cali still hadn't moved, still a statue by the door, head down, eyes on the floor. Standing from his desk, Spock made his way to the door and closed it. The sound finally caught Cali's attention, who looked up at the commander, suddenly looking somewhat scared. Finding himself even more unsure as to how to start, not used to Cali like this, Spock just looked over Cali for a moment. After a while, he opted out of asking him how he felt, deciding to get right onto the incident, hoping directness may help. "Cadet Caliaire, I wanted to discuss the incident from the other day."

"Must we sir?" Cali questioned immediately, eyes back on the floor.

"Pardon?" Spock questioned, his brows furrowed, not having expected Cali to talk back, even if it was done in a respectful tone.

"As I said before, it was nothing." Cali went on the explain, "They were having a conversation and my partner got too argumentative, causing what you walked in on."

"Is that the case Cadet?" Spock questioned, obviously not believing Cali. There was obviously something more, otherwise the incident wouldn't have caused such an extreme emotional reaction from the man and he wouldn't be so reluctant to talk about it with him.

"Yes sir."

"I see. Well, if it was truly nothing, then you wouldn't mind telling me what the conversation had started as."

"It wasn't important—" Cali tried to reinforce but was interrupted.

"Answer the question cadet." Spock snapped professionally making Cali look up, his wide eyes meeting Spock's for a moment, not having expected the commander to shout.

He stared into Spock's dark eyes for a moment, not wanting to talk. He didn't want to tell Spock what it was about. He was already going to lose him. He didn't want it to be like this. Why couldn't he just hold onto him for one more minute? "They were talking about me." He replied finally, looking back down at his shoes to hide the tears that were forming in his eye and his desperate attempts to blink them away.

Spock noted that Cali's electric blue eyes were looking watery and frowned, trying to guess what specifically might have caused the argument about him. "If your classmates were making racially discriminatory comments, I will have to report them."

"No." Cali replied instantly catching Spock off guard.

"What?"

"No, you will not have to report them. It was nothing." He repeated, "May I go? My friend is waiting."

"No, you are obviously upset about something and as it has begun affecting my lessons, you will tell me what." Spock insisted.

"They think we are fucking." Cali suddenly snapped, turning angry eyes up to meet Spock's taken back ones.

"What?"

"Your class." Cali repeated, though using much nicer words this time around, "They think I am getting extra tutoring and having my grades upgraded in exchange for providing you sexual favours."

Spock couldn't believe such rumours had been spreading about them. He knew that the academy's rumour mill was vicious, but how had something like that spread? And how had he not heard? "Where did this come from?" he questioned, looking into Cali's eyes, the captivating blue suddenly turning to a cold ice.

"Your obvious favouritism towards my company." He replied, brows furrowed in a slight angry glare, though Spock didn't want to believe the glare was truly aimed at him. Was it? "I thought it best to stop our Thursday lessons and avoid being in your company any longer than necessary so that they give up and your position is kept safe."

"While that is noble, you should have informed me of the rumours."

"So, you could punish those spreading them and make them think that they were right?" Cali questioned with a shake of his head, "No, it was more logical you didn't know, and I simply avoid you so they would get bored."

Looking into Cali's eyes and hearing his logic, Spock was shocked to silence. He was unable to comprehend what was being said to him. Especially since it was Cali who was speaking it. His hateful tone and spitting words were such a contract to how Spock knew him that it completely threw him.

His moment of stunned silence gave Cali enough time to slip past him and leave the classroom. Spock heard his friend call his name after him as he practically stormed away, but then only silence as they got out of hearing range. He continued to stand in the empty classroom completely at a loss of what to do.

~~*~~

Bones is such a good friend.

One more chapter left and then Part One is done! Are you excited?

Also, it's upsetting how easy it is for me to write a character's internal monologue while they're battling depression. They say that writing what you know is easy, but it's still shocking.