: Chapter 56

The priest finished the service. His whole speech was filled with religious thoughts and lovely words yet as he delivered them, his face remained completely emotionless.

I could not help but think that he would have gotten on well with Stone.

Everything went silent in Willow Cemetery. I stared down at the open plot of land where the coffin would be lowered. The same piece of land under the tree where my mother was buried.

‘Is it too late to tell you that my dad was Buddhist?’ I deadpanned to the priest, in an attempt to ignore the feeling that came along with looking down.

Grumpy Priest almost looked like his jaw was going to drop. However, his face remained passive even if I was insinuating that his whole speech meant nothing.

‘I am sorry.’ I quickly said ‘That was a bad time for a joke. I usually do that when I feel uncomfortable or sad or anything really.’

Lana let out a small laugh from next to me.

She had told me that morning that she wanted to be there for me. I did not say anything to object because I knew that I could not have faced the funeral on my own. I was so grateful that she was there and very grateful that she had let me borrow a dress to wear.

I figured that wearing an AC/DC t-shirt was not appropriate for a funeral.

‘Is there anything you would like to say?’ Grumpy Priest asked while motioning to the coffin that had not been lowered into the ground yet.

‘It was me at the school trip to the science museum in seventh grade that threw the planet Uranus at the teacher.’ I vocalised ‘It was not Lana. Even though I insisted it was.’

‘You told him it was me?’ She spoke in an accusing tone.

I sheepishly smiled at her ‘It was not a big deal.’

‘You knocked the teacher out unconscious!’

Shaking his head, Grumpy Priest coughed and then interjected ‘I have never heard something quite like that for parting words before.’

An arm wrapped around my shoulder and Lana squeezed me tighter to her before she said in a hushed voice ‘You should say something.’

‘I have no idea what I want to say.’

‘Speak from the heart.’ Lana whispered, ‘Say how you are feeling.’

I studied the tree that was shaking in the wind and I watched as some leaves off the branch fell onto the grass and gravestone ‘I have no idea what I am feeling. I do not know what I am meant to feel.’ I uttered an I finally allowed myself to be honest ‘In the last year of his life we were strangers.’

Lana started to talk again and her tone went softer ‘He was your dad and—’

‘He was but I have no clue if this was what he would have wanted.’ I cut her off and began to ramble on ‘Did he even want to be buried next to my mom? Did he even want to be buried at all? I feel like I am doing something wrong. Like this is all wrong.’

She gave me another gentle squeeze as she responded ‘He loved you, Ella. He would have loved anything you decided.’

‘Why does everything feel so wrong right now?’ My question was barely a whisper.

‘It has not even been a week since you were in an accident. Since you lost him. You need to let yourself grieve.’

‘I have.’ I tried to argue.

‘No. You have not.’ She spoke and it was like she was peering into my soul ‘You have handled it so well. Too well. I am worried about you. We all are.’

All I did was nod at her because I did not have the strength to pretend that everything was okay. That I was okay.

The name that was now engraved into the same headstone as my mother’s stared up at me and I stared back at it. Then I noticed that the priest was still standing there.

‘Thank you for the lovely service.’ I smiled gratefully at him and hoped that he took the hint that I was done with the service.

He nodded once ‘I wish you well, Miss Miller. I am sorry for your loss.’

‘Goodbye, Grumpy Priest.’ I waved mindlessly.

My eyes widened when I noticed what I had just said but he was too far gone so all I could do was laugh. Lana laughed too but hers was more strained.

‘I do not have a family anymore.’ I spoke aloud but more to myself.

‘Yes you do.’ Lana assured me before continuing ‘You have so many people that love and care about you.’

I shook my head ‘I never let anyone close enough to care. I have only ever trusted one person in my life.’

‘Who?’

Pretending to glare at her, I could not fight back the smile as I giggled ‘You, stupid.’

Lana did not sound upset or offended rather more curious when she questioned ‘Then why did you choose to tell Stone about your dad and not me?’

‘Have you met him?’ I asked rhetorically before telling her ‘He is a little demanding.’

‘So you are telling me that you the most stubborn girl in the world just gave in to him?’ Her voice was dripping with disbelief as she kept going ‘Ella, if you truly did not want him to know then you would not have told him. You told him because you trusted him. You trust him.’

I did not give her a reply. I just continued to look at the ground as if the answer to everything would appear written in the grass. Or as if the ground could swallow me whole so I did not have to deal with everything.

Moving the hair that the wind had swept onto my face, I uttered ‘I think I need some time alone.’

She pulled away so that she was standing in front of me before she smiled and replied ‘I will go wait in the car with my parents.’

Nodding, I smiled back at her before giving her a last hug ‘Thank you.’

Sometimes I wished that I could live in a library for the rest of my life. There I would be able to escape everything and everyone. In among the pages of a book, I could forget my troubles and the world.

Someone enveloped my hand with their own. Someone that was not Lana.

A hand that was too large. Too calloused. Too like the man that I loved’s hand.

My fingers intertwined with his unconsciously. It was against any rational thought. It was all biological. The need to be close to him. Every cell of mine wanted to touch him. I had even made the action of moving close to him so the side of me was pressed up against him.

We stood like that for a few minutes before I finally looked up at him.

His hard chiselled features were much softer and his eyes told the same story.

Stone began to speak in his husky voice ‘Ella, I—’

I let go of his hand like it had burned me and I forced myself to take a few steps away from him.

I really did not want his pity so I rushed over my words as I walked away ‘I do not want to talk about it.’

The gravelled path led me past a few rows of graves before I let out a sigh of exhaustion. I hated to admit it but my body was still extremely sore.

Sometimes I could feel tired after doing the smallest of things. I did not know if that was because of the side effects of the medication or from lying to everyone about how I was not in pain.

Halfway down the path, I saw a small memorial bench that just the sight of made the ache in my legs worsen. I slumped onto the seat and let out a small breath.

It was only a couple of seconds before a large body joined me on the bench.

‘I never cried when my parents died.’ His deep voice filled the space between us.

‘Why didn’t you?’ I asked softly, as the image of him being hurt tugged at my heart.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Stone’s attention flick to my marked legs revealed because of my dress. He then looked at my face and it caused heat to rush to my cheeks.

‘It was not that I was not upset. I was bitter that they had been taken from me. Instead of grieving in a conventional way, I took every emotion and converted it into anger. As a kid all I knew was to deal with things with my fists.’ He explained before revealing ‘Sometimes I thought that was all that I would feel.’

I finally looked up at him and I shook my head to dismiss that Idea ‘That is not true.’

His lip moved up slightly as he stared down at me softly.

‘No. It is not.’ He confirmed as his eyes remained on me ‘Does it get any easier?’ I asked before elaborating ‘Losing someone. Does the pain get any easier?’

‘It is always there. It might not lessen but you get stronger. The world keeps going around and you go with it.’

A deep exhale later and I admitted ‘I do not know if I will ever get over this.’

‘You are the strongest person I have ever met, Medusa.’ He again reached out and laced his fingers through mine as he told me ‘You will.’

Motioning to his arms and the general muscle mass of him, I joked ‘I doubt that.’

His attention never withered away from my face. I rubbed at some dirt that I had got on Lana’s dress in an attempt to distract myself from the way that he watched me.

‘It is okay for you to feel lost and confused, Ella.’ His voice went hoarse as he pronounced his words ‘Please just talk to me.’

I did not know what to say so I stayed quiet.

‘I never understood my fathers death.’ Stone filled the silence as he confessed his own hardships.

‘You said that he died of a broken heart.’ I spoke as I remembered what he had told me at the beach what seemed like ages ago.

‘I never comprehended how someone could die of heartbreak.’ He revealed and then his tone went deeper as he added ‘Then I saw you in that hospital bed and I understood. I got it completely.’

I never spoke. I feared that I would burst into tears if I even muttered a word.

He moved his bulky arm so that it rested on the bench behind my back. It seemed like he was scavenging for contact and he would accept anything that I would give him.

‘I am sorry about yesterday at school. I should not have acted like that.’ He apologised before he sighed ‘I never want to lose control with you. Never with you.’

‘You don’t have to be sorry.’ I told him while meeting his eye so he knew that I meant it ‘I would rather you told me what you really thought and how you really felt instead of bottling it up and staying silent.’

Stone’s deep gravelly voice went husky when he replied ‘I never wanted you to see that side of me.’

‘Is that why you never told me about Litora Bello?’

He nodded, gazing at me with so much longing to touch me that I almost caved.

I turned my body so that I was facing him while I told him ‘Stone, I wanted you. I wanted your truth. No matter how ugly or angry it was.’

His whole large frame tensed and he quietly grumbled ‘Past tense?’

Of course not, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I want you forever, too.

We fell into a comfortable silence again. He gently stroked my hand occasionally to let me know that he was there. I did not need that to know he was there. My body had an inbuilt sensor for him. My heartbeat increased and my stomach fluttered.

The fuzzy feeling all over me was enough for me to know he was there.

I was glad that he was next to me. I needed him more than I cared to admit.

‘You never told me your theory about the afterlife.’ He asserted while continuing to study my expression.

‘I think it is subjective. I think everything in life is subjective.’ I began by explaining ‘The world is how someone perceives it. How we look at something is so different to others. If I asked you what colour that tree was, you could say blue and who am I to tell you that you are wrong. The world could be black and white for all we know and it is us that chooses to see it in colour.’

‘So you believe nothing has an answer?’

‘Everything is subjective. That is why I make theories because nothing can be proven.’ I stated before challenging him ‘Try and name something that cannot be argued against.’

His gaze was solely on me when he answered ‘That I love you. Who is going to argue against that?’

‘Nobody.’ I whispered into the air before adding ‘Probably because everyone is too scared to argue with you.’

‘That priest looked scared shitless when he seen me.’

I smiled at myself as I imagined Grumpy Priest seeing an even grumpier giant enter the graveyard.

‘He probably thought you were the grim reaper.’ I joked.

He chuckled and shook his head with a hint of a smile.

I looked down at our entwined hands and what I saw on his hand made me gasp. I yanked his hand with the bloodied and bruised knuckles closer to my face so I could inspect them.

‘What happened to your knuckles?’ I rushed over my words and glared at the bruises ‘Do they hurt?’

Stone tried to remain serious as I glared at him for hurting himself but I could see the smirk fighting to take over his face.

‘Yes.’ He spoke as his lip twitched ‘They hurt.’

‘Are you lying to me?’ I asked as I dropped his hand hesitantly.

‘Yes.’ He replied and scowled as I pulled my hand away from him.

The moment where we were both so close and so interested in looking at each other’s mouths was far too intimate for my liking so I stood up and pulled at my dress as I did so.

Remembering that Lana was in the car with her parents that were waiting for me so they could get to the airport gave me enough strength to pull away.

I had finally convinced both of them and Lana that I was fully up for the party that she was throwing.

‘I can’t do this, Lurch.’ I crossed my arms over me because I started to feel a bitter chill in the air as I spoke.

‘We do not have to talk about this right now.’ He told me strictly.

I looked at him as he sat on the bench with slumped shoulders and his head hanging low and fought the urge to crawl on his lap and cuddle him.

I shook my head and argued, ‘We do have to talk about this.’

‘I will change your mind.’ He spoke determinedly as if my fate had already been sealed ‘No matter how long it takes.’

There was nothing to say so I turned on my heel and headed in the direction of the main gate of the cemetery.

From behind me, I could hear the sound of rustling leaves and the sound of a rumbling that most likely came from a huge chest.

My feet came to a stop at the corner of the road where Lana’s parents’ car should have been.

It was not there. Instead was a very familiar motorbike.

Ignoring the presence behind me, I fetched my phone out of my bra and angrily tapped my phone.

The phone rang as I brought it to my ear and waited for Lana to pick up.

‘Leaving me in a graveyard?’ I tutted into the phone ‘What kind of low-budget horror film move is this supposed to be?’

‘I had to get back to the house to get suitcases. Mom and dad’s flight is in a few hours.’ She gave as an excuse.

‘Why don’t I believe you?’ I rebutted.

‘I know that you need him.’ Lana delivered gently ‘Stop running because you are scared.’

I bit my lip and breathed through my noise.

‘Please don’t hate me.’ She blurted out before hanging up the phone ‘I love you.’

With my arms still crossed, I took a deep breath before facing the giant and huffing ‘I’m kind of stranded.’

A frown was etched onto his features and his jaw was ticking as he watched me. His fingers twitched at his side. He took a few long steps to his bike and handed me the smaller helmet that he had bought.

I took it and accidentally our fingers brushed. Sparks flew up my arm and I almost jolted at the sensation.

No words were passed between us as both his hands went to rest on my hips. My gasp at the contact could probably have woken the dead.

His eyes were on me but mine were looking straight ahead at his stomach. He lifted me onto the bike before getting on himself.

My fingers shook as I wrapped my arms around his middle. He revved the engine as I pressed up against him. I heard a deep sounding noising like an intake of breath as I did so.

I clung to him as if my life depended on it.