Two - Vivaan

Vivaan wasn't sure if he should break the silence first.

This was all very sudden for him. First, there was his work. He had just begun his first year of residency in Cardiothoracic surgery. His workload and studies were as hectic as they could be, becoming an added responsibility that was fast gaining priority.

Responsibility. Another word that only grew in weight as he grew up. He was the eldest in his house. So, as the elder sibling, he was the connecting line between his younger siblings and his elders. He believed that it was his responsibility to ensure the two factions never split and walked side-by-side. Then, there was his responsibility toward the younger siblings, to protect them, to help them settle.

And his biggest failure yet, financial support. Vivaan was the oddball in his family, having chosen to drop out of the family business and study medicine. His baba-sa and kako-sa were against this decision, but Aryan, his cousin brother, had argued that if they forced Vivaan, then he might join the business, but without the aptitude, he won't be an asset. Vivaan had used this as his strongest argument and eventually convinced the elders of his family.

But medicine was a hard course to follow through, with results coming much later than the efforts. Vivaan was a stellar student, having cleared both his entrances and his MBBS in the first try. But the journey didn't end there. Once he cleared his MBBS, Vivaan had to choose a specialty for post-graduation. He already had his heart set on being a Cardiothoracic surgeon. In India, the model followed was a 3+3-year pattern, wherein he would first have to do a 3-year course in MS (General Surgery) followed by a 3-year course in MCh. (Cardiac Surgery). Only after this, was he eligible to become a practicing surgeon. Hence, even if he was a stellar student and loved his career, he would need to spend approximately eleven years before he could be considered a working professional. It was a long path that lay ahead of him.

After severe protests and arguments, Aryan, who had now joined the business, agreed to marry Avika. He was adamant on waiting, but Vivaan convinced him that having settled in the career meant he could take the next step. He didn't need to wait just because his elder brother had yet to settle career wise and yet to marry.

"But bhai-sa, how can I get married before you?" Aryan had asked. "How can ma-sa and baba-sa agree to this?"

"Aryan." Vivaan interrupted. "I have a long path ahead of me. Why do you want to let your life stop for no reason? Besides, I didn't join the business. You have to take my stead and fill my position there. Eventually, you will have to settle down. So, why not now?" Vivaan explained calmly.

"And you bhai-sa?" Aryan asked. "When will you let go of your silly idea of not marrying until you achieve your responsibilities?"

When his family came to know of his career path, his parents worried. Vivaan was adamant that he would only marry after he takes care of his responsibilities as the eldest son. He refused to consider marriage until he completed his residency (at the very least) and found a stable job, and further, taken care of settling his sister Mansi's life.

"Vivaan, beta I appreciate your dedication to your responsibilities." Said his father. "But your life is slipping out of your hands too. You're 27 now. Your residency will take another 3 years. And Mansi? She's only just entered college now. She also has dreams. Fulfilling them will take a lot of time. For how long will you live for others?"

Vivaan looked up in surprise.

"When you explained Aryan, I did not stop you. But responsibilities are easier to handle when you have someone with you. We will always be with you... until we pass on." His father had said. "But your partner, your wife, will be your lifelong companion. You can fulfill your responsibilities with her by your side even better."

"Baba-sa, will she not have dreams? Whoever she is, she also must desire a life with me where we do things for ourselves. How can I subject her to fulfill my responsibilities and disregard her dreams?" asked Vivaan.

"You will be partners, Vivaan. She will help you, just as much as you help her. That is how a marriage works. You have to work side-by-side. Even let her take the lead in some situations." His father had smiled then. "She will teach you, to not handle all the burden alone."

Vivaan had considered that, and eventually, with his elders persuading him, agreed to marry once he finished his residency. And so now, with about two and a half years of his residency remaining, his parents had started to look for a bride. One day, when he was in the hospital, his mother had called and told him to be ready for dekha-dikhai on Sunday.

"Ma-sa, you could have at least asked me. I am on duty this Sunday!" Vivaan complained.

"Arey beta! You please take a leave on that day. Work it out. For how long will you keep pushing this further?" his mother asked.

It had taken a lot of negotiation (and taking on a couple of extra shifts) before he could make his Sunday free. He hoped he could talk to the girl and explain the situation. Whatever baba-sa said, no girl would agree to such an insane condition for marriage.

He refused to look at her photo, resigned to calling off the alliance before it was fixed. But he did know her name was Payal. She was not from their community, but the priest had spoken highly of her.

"Maji-sa, chori to bilkul sahi mishran hai, aaj aur purane zamane ka. Roop to hai hi, par gun aur sankaar bhi hai usme. Aur padhi likhi bhi hai, vakil hai, badi firm me kaam karti hai." Said the priest. (Madam, the girl is a perfect mix of the old and new generations. She is not only beautiful, but also respects culture and values. She is also highly intelligent and is working as a successful lawyer.)

"Par chori hamari biradari ki na hai, panditji." Said Vivaan's dadi-sa. "Biradari chodo, je to Marwari bhi na hai. Gujarat se howe je chori, aur upar se shehar me pali badi. Je hamare parivar me kaise reh pavegi?" (But she isn't from our community. Let alone community, she isn't even Marwari. She is from a modern Gujarati background. How will she fit in our family?)

The same doubt had plagued Vivaan. His family was not easy to mix into. They had gotten lucky with Avika, as she was from the same community and was the daughter of a family friend. Avika knew Aryan since they were kids. But this alliance? Payal didn't even know of their family etiquette, their culture, their way of living.

From what the priest said, Payal seemed to be an independent woman, earning her keep and clearly having progressive upbringing. Not that his family didn't inculcate any 'modernism' within him, Aryan and Mansi, but his was a more traditional joint family. They had always learnt to keep their traditional culture in one hand, and modern viewpoint in another, and walk with both of them in hand-in-hand. Payal's family was more on the progressive front, which was bound to affect her way of thinking. Could she ever adjust to the 'string the new and old together' principle?

But his father had once again surprised him. When his dadi-sa threw a tantrum and demanded how the priest could even think of searching outside the community, Vivaan's father had stepped forth and said that it was on his persuasion that the priest suggested Payal's proposal.

"My son is a unique person." He had said. "I don't want him to marry just any Marwari girl from a good family. I want someone who understands him and is like him. Someone who equals him not only in his way of thinking and maturity, but also stands by him and helps him up when he stumbles." He had continued, staring straight at Vivaan.

"Payal is the daughter of one of my close friends." His baba-sa stated firmly. "I have watched her over the years. She may not be from our community, but she is perfect for my Vivaan. A rebel for a rebel." He had teased.

True, he was a rebel himself, having dropped out of his family business and placing a condition for his marriage. To a certain extent, he also desired a partner who would be a rebel like him, but he wasn't sure if Payal was the one he was looking for.

His biggest fear was that she wouldn't understand him. And Payal, for whom adjusting with his family will be so difficult, how will she adjust with his conditions on top of it? No. It wasn't fair to her. Vivaan was resolved to reject the alliance as soon as he got a chance.

That was before he saw Payal for the first time.

In the dark pink sari (that complimented her fair skin tone perfectly), with minimum accessories, make up and subtly styled hair, she completely threw Vivaan off whatever preconceived notion he had made for himself, despite not having seen her photo. It wasn't just external beauty, though Vivaan could barely take his eyes off the sharp arches of her face. Despite the defined angles, her face was round, her nose not quite as sharp (slightly squat in fact), and her lower lip jutting out more than her upper lip. The imperfections only made her seem more beautiful, if anything.

And her eyes. Her caramel- colored eyes were perfectly almond shaped, and unexpectedly deep. They held honesty and a glint of intelligence. In fact, her whole face had a glow, a radiance of that inner confidence and intelligence. Vivaan instantly knew that she was just as beautiful on the inside as on the outside.

Beside him, Aryan coughed to gain his attention. "Bhai-sa" he whispered. "I know you're spellbound, but please don't show it to the entire room." He teased.

There was no doubt about it. Vivaan was charmed. So instantly and deeply charmed that he wondered if something was wrong in this moment.

Then she charmed him further.

In all his twenty-eight years of life, he had never seen anyone tell Sarita Mehta off. Nor had he ever seen his baba-sa praise someone so much. He stared at Payal. Who was she?

The next entire hour, all he could focus on was her. His mind answered the questions thrown at him by her family while he was barely looking at them, but the major part of his attention was focused on Payal. Once or twice she even caught him staring and looked away quickly, embarrassed.

She must think I'm a creep. Vivaan thought. But he couldn't help it.

Then their fathers asked them to go take a walk and get to know each other. And just like that, reality crashed down on him. How could he think of taking this relationship ahead? He liked her, yes, but that was even more so the reason he couldn't subject her to a lifetime of sacrifices. She didn't deserve that. Especially her.

All these thoughts went through his head as they silently walked on the path of a garden. She was quiet beside him, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. As for Vivaan, he was still in a dilemma, unsure how to proceed with the proposal.

"You don't want to ask or say anything?" Payal's clear voice jarred him out of his thoughts.

He looked up at her, unsure how to respond.

"Back at home, you were looking at me as if you wanted to say something. I thought you were waiting for us to be alone to say whatever it was." Payal said, looking downward as she walked. A lock of her hair fell forward in her eyes, and Vivaan had to clench his hand to stop it from tucking it back in place. A moment later, she tucked it back herself.

"I, uh, yes actually." He finally spoke up. "I had something to say."

She looked up expectantly, her brown eyes soft and intoxicating under the sunlight. He stared into their depths and blurted out the truth.

"I'm in a dilemma regarding this marriage."

Payal blinked in surprise, but schooled her expression immediately.

"What kind of dilemma?" she asked. "You don't want this proposal to go further?"

"Something like that." Vivaan mumbled.

"I don't understand the dilemma here. If you are not okay with this proposal, or if you're uncomfortable, then say so." Payal said. "I understand we don't always like our parents' choice. It's okay to differ from them."

"That's not it." He said quickly. "I really like my parents' choice; and I have no hesitation in saying that I would choose the same if I were asked." He said, enjoying the bright red flush of embarrassment on her cheeks as he inadvertently revealed his attraction. Vivaan probably would have blushed too, but he had to get to the harder part of the conversation first.

"You see, I'm the eldest child in my family. I have... responsibilities toward my family due to being the eldest." He decided to start with his career choice, hoping she would understand. "One of them was to take over the business from my father, but as you can see, I defied him."

She nodded. "By choosing to study medicine." She said.

"Yes." Vivaan said. "I love my choice of career. But by choosing to study medicine, I abandoned my family in terms of financial help. I'm the eldest, but I'm still studying and earning a meagre salary. Once I finish my residency, it will take me a few more years before I settle with a stable job." He said.

"I want to complete my responsibilities to my family first." Vivaan continued when she nodded. "I want to be able to ensure that the elders in my family have a secure future ahead and that my siblings settle down. It is only right, that I ensure this as the eldest child. But I cannot do that right now, when I'm still a resident." He said, looking at Payal to see if she understood.

She nodded, so he continued.

"But my wife too, will have dreams. She too, would want to live her married life as desired. And as her husband, it is my responsibility to fulfill those desires." He said as gently as possible. Payal looked up at him then, her gaze speculative, as though trying to figure out something.

"If I put my wife before my family, I will not be able to bear the guilt." Vivaan said. "On the other hand, if I put my family before my wife, it is not fair to her." He finished explaining the dilemma.

Payal still had the same expression on her face, but now she was gazing out front instead of looking at him.

"If you were in my shoes, what would you do?" Vivaan asked. "What would you choose?"

Payal remained quiet for a bit as they walked. Her mind seemed to be far away and she appeared to ruminate on his question. Finally, as they rounded the last turn of the park, she spoke.

"Honestly? I think you have confused two things." She said. "You have mixed up 'responsibility' with 'relationship'." She made air-quotes on the terms.

"I don't understand." Vivaan hedged.

"A responsibility has to be managed." Said Payal. "It can be managed by one person or more than one person, depending on the circumstances."

She looked at him then. "But a relationship once made has to be upheld. It nurtures and matures over time and has to be understood and fulfilled by both sides. It is not something one person can do alone. In fact, you need to understand the other side to be able to uphold a relationship." She explained. "A relationship fails the minute one person tries to 'manage' it all alone."

Vivaan considered that. "So, you're telling me I'm looking at this the wrong way?"

Payal shook her head. "I'm telling you that you shouldn't be asking me this question. You need to ask yourself what you see marriage as." She looked up straight at him. "If you see marriage as a responsibility, then in my opinion, you shouldn't think of marrying anyone, let alone me." her voice hardened as she said this.

"Think about compatibility and priorities only when you want to see marriage as a relationship. Not as a responsibility. No woman, including me, would want to be 'saddled' on her husband as a 'responsibility'." Payal said, her tone automatically giving quote marks to the words. But Vivaan detected something else beyond the calm advising tone she had adopted. A bitterness? A sourness?

"We have reached the apartment building. Shall we go in?" Payal asked, moving ahead in front of him. Impulsively, Vivaan reached out and grabbed her arm. He turned her toward him and stared straight at into her eyes. She reeled back in shock at his sudden movement, and in that unguarded moment, he saw it in her eyes. Payal was hurt.

Then the shutters fell back. She tried to free herself out of his hold. "Excuse me?" she said, referring to his earlier move. Her shocked expression melted into one of guarded anger.

"You're a good actress." He whispered. "But stop with the act. I know you're not angry."

She pointedly glared at his hand holding her arm. Vivaan released it immediately.

"I don't appreciate my private space being invaded." Payal said. "It does anger me. But this is the first time, so I'll let it go with a fair warning. The next time, you'll straight away get kicked where the sun does not shine." She warned, her eyes blazing with anger.

"There won't be a next time." Vivaan promised, sincerely. "I already saw what I wanted to."

He could see her struggling to keep her anger, but confusion won out.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Look, I apologize for crossing the line. I didn't mean to. But it was the only way to know." Vivaan explained.

"Know what?" she asked.

"My rejection to this proposal." Vivaan said. "It hurt you, didn't it?" he asked gently.

Payal just stared ahead, not answering.

"Payal." Vivaan stepped closer to her, despite her earlier warning. "You said it yourself earlier. This has nothing to do with you. I'm the one with the messed-up priorities. And I know you had expectations-"

"I didn't." she interrupted him. They were now in the lobby of her apartment building. "I didn't have any expectations."

Vivaan could feel his skepticism rise. He was only trying to help her, and yet she was stubborn.

"Oh really?" he asked. "So, you didn't think about taking this proposal any further? Even once? You weren't -"

"One out of the two of us came to this meeting prepared to reject this alliance no matter what." Payal interrupted him again, but this time her eyes shone with unshed tears. "In a decision like marriage, where everything needs to be mutual, if one is clear on denial, the other has no right to expect anything otherwise."

She turned away, headinginside the elevator, unaware of the chaos she had stirred in his heart.

Glossary:

Kako-sa - paternal uncle.

Dadi-sa - paternal grandmother.

Baba-sa - father.

Dekha-dikhai - a ritual where the prospective bride and groom meet each other for the first time.