Eighteen - Vivaan

Vivaan wasn't sure when he fell asleep. When he woke up, the first thing he registered was a kink in the neck. He winced as pain radiated outward to his neck when he moved his face to the side. As he raised his hands, more pain registered as his hands, which were still clenching his book and highlighter in sleep, finally unclenched.

The second thing he registered was Payal. She was wrapped up in his arms, her head resting on his chest, and legs tucked into the blanket around her.

Trying to ignore the pain his hands and his neck, Vivaan checked to see if she was still knocked out.

Outside, the sun was setting, and the final sunrays streamed in from the windows in the opposite room. The rosy glow seemed to enhance Payal's beauty as she continued to sleep. She frowned, as though disturbed by whatever dream she was in. Vivaan leaned in and kissed the pucker in between her eyebrows gently, hoping to calm her down. Her fingers fisted on his shirt in reflex, as though she could sense him even when asleep.

As he pulled away, Payal mumbled something inaudible, and her frown returned, making Vivaan frown as well. He knew Payal occasionally talked in her sleep. She had told him about it after their engagement. As a child, it had been very common for her to talk in her sleep. She had finally visited a therapist while in college, who had surmised that Payal wasn't expressing herself enough, mostly because she was non-confrontational and introverted. Payal had begun maintaining a diary since her visit with the therapist. She would write down about her day before she went to sleep, so that she could express it in some form. Over time, her tendency to sleep-talk decreased. But Vivaan knew that a condition such as this didn't really go away; it could come up again, particularly when the person is stressed out.

Payal hadn't exactly been vocal about her mother's hospitalization and the DVT. She had to fight off a panic attack when he explained the complications, so it was obvious she wasn't as calm about it as she seemed.

Vivaan leaned in again to see if he could figure out what was bothering her.

"Does he know?" she mumbled. That was followed by "Does it matter if he doesn't know?"

Vivaan paused. Did who know what? Payal could be referring to any guy she knew.

Payal snuggled into side a little more, mumbling something incoherent again. All Vivaan could make out was "Love...fine...me."

Mystified, he stared at her some more, but Payal's moment of unease was gone. She sighed a little, as though relaxed.

Confused, Vivaan wondered what Payal was talking about and what she wanted to be fine with.

***

The week had been pretty much the same after Payal's recovery and before he knew it, it was the last day of his suspension. Vivaan had planned to stay with his family the whole day, to soak up as much family time as he could.

"What if we have a game night, like we used to back when we were younger?" Aaryan asked, when Vivaan told him what he wanted to do.

"Game night?" Avika asked, confused.

"First, you sit down. You shouldn't stand for too long." Vivaan said, guiding her to sit on the one of the chairs in his room. "As for game night, that is something we used to do as a family when Aaryan and I were in school. Mansi was really young then, so she didn't participate."

"But what did you play?" Avika asked.

"The all-time favorites. Dumb charades, antakshari, pass the parcel, you name it. In fact, Baba-sa and Tau-sa were very competitive when it comes to antakshari." Aaryan explained.

"Really? Tau-sa? Being competitive with a game?" Avika was amused. "This is really hard to believe."

Aaryan grinned. "Well, let's see if we can have a game night tonight and you can see for yourself." He said.

Needless to say, everyone loved the idea, even Dadi-sa.

"Bhai-sa, why don't you invite Bhabhi-sa as well." Aaryan said. "She will have fun."

"She can sleep in my room." Mansi added.

Vivaan helplessly glanced at his parents. Of course, he wanted nothing more than for Payal to join the plan, but the society held a lot of importance for his elders. Dadi-sa would never be okay with the idea of Payal staying over at their place unless she was married.

"I don't see anything wrong with what Mansi is suggesting." Baba-sa said after a moment of thought. "Payal is this house's daughter-in-law after all."

"Let's ask Bhabhi-sa herself." Aaryan spoke up, holding up his phone screen. Payal's image was visible on video call. "How are you Bhabhi-sa?" Aaryan asked, turning the screen toward himself.

"I'm doing fine Aaryan." Payal answered. "What did you want to ask?"

"We're having a game night." Aaryan said, before Vivaan could stop him. "Why don't you join us? You can sleep in Mansi's room later." He offered.

Payal was quiet for so long, Vivaan almost took the choice out of her hands.

"Aaryan, she must have other work too. Don't be too persuasive." Vivaan said, knowing his cousin. Aaryan was notorious for making the puppy eyes.

"When does Vivaan have to go back to the hospital?" Payal asked.

"Early tomorrow morning." Mansi answered, joining Aaryan.

"How early?"

"I have to report at 8 am for the first shift." Vivaan said. "But I'm meeting Chief before that. For the... uh... you know." He was still awkward about the situation leading to his temporary suspension.

"How about, I join you all for your game night and then drive Vivaan over to the hospital?" Payal asked. "I'll head home once I have dropped him off."

Vivaan blinked. How did nothing escape her? Principally, Payal wasn't staying over. She was just joining them for some time and then once it was done, she would leave and go home. She knew that the elders would be hesitant even if they had agreed to it. This was her version of a middle ground, to satisfy both the elders and Vivaan's siblings. And all this, without him having to say anything.

How are you so perfect, Payal? He wondered.

"We are okay with that too, Bhabhi-sa." Avika said when Aaryan paused to think it over. Her smile said it all. She had caught on to Payal's middle ground as well. "See you today evening!"

Avika handed over the phone to Aaryan and made to walk past Vivaan. "Tau-sa really did find a perfect life partner for you Bhai-sa. You both are made for each other." She whispered as she walked past him.

Vivaan looked down, smiling to himself. Of course, he knew she was perfect for him.

***

It was decided that there will be two teams. To ensure absolute fairness, they drew lots to decide teams. Vivaan's parents, Vivaan, Avika and Mansi were one team. His Dadi-sa, Kako-sa, Kaki-sa, Aaryan and Payal formed the other team. The first game to be played was antakshari. Vivaan's team had to go first. His father started by singing the old song Musafir hu yaaron from the movie Parichay. Vivaan barely controlled his laugh at seeing Payal, Avika and Mansi's slack-jawed expressions.

As the game continued, Payal, Avika and Mansi got slightly more comfortable with the atmosphere and soon, they were joining the others as the teams razzed each other. After the antakshari, which Vivaan's team won, Payal and Avika excused themselves to go get the refreshments for everyone. The next game was dumb charades, which was again in teams, but it was elders versus the youngsters. The elders in the family were notorious for suggesting really old movies with difficult names. Vivaan got stuck on the movie Zubeida. Despite his best attempts, he couldn't make his team guess the movie.

When it was Payal's turn, Vivaan's father whispered the movie name in her ear. Payal was already hesitant ("I'm not good with acting!"), but now she was even more so. No doubt, Baba-sa must have given an old movie. Payal showed the signs for 'hindi movie' and '3 words'. She began with the third word, cupping her hands together in front of her like a flower.

"Phool". Mansi shouted, but Payal shook her head, gesturing to go beyond the term. While Aaryan and Avika guessed other similar terms, Vivaan tried to think of related terms. But nothing came to mind. Eventually, Payal waved her hands in a 'drop it' gesture, indicating to stop the line of thought. ("Flower")

Payal seemed to think a little more and then took another deep breath. She looked directly at Vivaan, making a series of gestures - pointing to herself, then crossing both her fists on her chest and then pointing to Vivaan. Vivaan frowned, unable to understand. The gestures seemed familiar. He had seen someone make the same gesture at him, but who?

The memory hit him suddenly. A five-year-old girl had once come to Dr. Verma with a heart defect. Vivaan had assisted in the case and was the resident-in-charge for the girl. Along with the defect, the girl was also deaf and mute and communicated using ISL (Indian Sign Language), which she had picked up in her aunt's house. Vivaan had stuck a friendly bond with her while she was admitted in the hospital and she had showed him what some of her signs and gestures meant. This gesture - crossing fists over your chest - meant 'love'.

Vivaan looked up at Payal again. She didn't know ISL. But he remembered talking to her about the little girl. That could be it. But then, what was Payal trying to do? She couldn't be confessing that she loved him in the middle of a game, could she?

Payal impatiently signed the gesture to him again. Her eyebrows rose, as though asking "What am I doing?"

"Uh..." his brain addled, Vivaan tried hard to think, a voice constantly shouting 'I love you' in his thoughts. "Sign language. I mean, gesturing. You are gesturing to me?" he asked.

Her cheeks a little pink, she nodded. Then signaled a "What" again. She used the symbol for the Hindi language.

"Gesture... in hindi?" Vivaan asked. "Ishaara?" He guessed.

Payal nodded. Then she mimed singing.

Singing? Then it struck him. Oh. "A song? You're acting out a song that has the word 'Ishaara' in it?" he asked.

She nodded, rolling her hand in a "go on" gesture.

Vivaan racked his head, trying to think of a song. "Ishaaro Ishaaro me?" he asked.

Payal nodded, smiling widely. She again rolled her hands, trying to tie the answer with something.

"Song... from which movie?" He guessed out loud. "Kashmir ki kali?" He asked.

"That's right!" Payal said, heaving a huge sigh of relief.

"Wait a minute! That's not even inappropriate." Aaryan said. "Why were you two blushing then?"

Vivaan had actually forgotten about their audience. He tried to shrug it off casually. "Ah, that was... I just..."

"In sign language, that meant 'I love you'." Payal spoke up. "I uh, was trying to remind him of his patient, and um, she had signed this to him once. And from that, the movie." She looked so cute when she was flustered.

Mansi gave a girly gasp. "Bhabhi-sa, aap sab ke saamne ishaaro ishaaro me apne dil ka haal bata rahi thi Bhai-sa ko?" she teased. (In front of everyone, were you secretly confessing your feelings to my brother?)

Payal blushed hard. "It wasn't... like that. I mean..." she let the sentence trail, making everyone except Dadi-sa laugh out loud. Vivaan's grandmother had a look of scandalized distress, no doubt upset with Payal's actions and Mansi's interpretation.

"I'll just go get some water." Payal excused herself, practically running to escape the laughter and teasing.

Vivaan couldn't decide whether to be amused or happy or confused. He settled with happy for now. Even if it was just a game, Payal 'confession' had made him feel warm and hopeful. He hoped she would one day actually realize it for real and say it out loud.

***

No one felt sleepy as the night wore on. No one wanted to retire to even rest. As the games continued, there was so much laughter and merry excitement it didn't matter. Soon, it was dawn, and it was time for Vivaan to get ready to go back to the hospital. As everyone began clearing up, he moved to his room to check on his bags one last time. Most of his stuff was still in his dorm, but he had brought along some clothes and books. And now of course, his mother was sending some food with him too.

He had just put on his jeans after a quick shower when someone knocked on his door. As he turned around, Payal entered, looking at something on her phone.

"One hour should be enough, since it's still quite early. OH!" she suddenly turned around. "I'm sorry! Why didn't you say anything?" she asked, her voice shaky.

At first, Vivaan was confused. Then he realized he was still shirtless. "I- ah. Um, sorry, give me a minute."

"Take ten if you want." Payal's voice was still an octave higher, as though she was startled. "I'll be downstairs when you're ready."

"No wait." Vivaan hurriedly buttoned his shirt. "Come in, I'm, uh, decent."

Payal turned around with her eyes still closed. A tint of bright red colored her cheeks. She probably would have covered her face with her hands if she didn't need her hands to hold the doorframe.

"You can open your eyes." Vivaan said, amused. "I assure you, I'm fully dressed."

As though realizing that her eyes were still closed, Payal opened them. "Sorry." She said once again.

"What for?" Vivaan asked. "You did knock. I just didn't realize I wasn't decent." He pointed out.

"I guess." She was still embarrassed.

"What is making you uncomfortable right now?" Vivaan asked her softly. "The fact that you stepped into my private space or that I was shirtless?"

"A bit of both." She said coming in and letting the door stay open. "I have never...I haven't... I didn't..." she clammed up.

Vivaan couldn't help but laugh out loud. She was so adorable when she was embarrassed. He also realized why she would be feeling this way.

They had been together for about five months at this point, and it had been two months since their engagement. Emotionally they had come a lot closer in the past five months. Physically, it was a different matter altogether. Yes, they shared hugs and kisses, but they hadn't progressed beyond that. Both were completely inexperienced about physical intimacy in general. Vivaan knew it was all instinctual and that had been the case so far. He had never had any trouble or hesitancy in being close to Payal. But he knew she didn't think the same way.

Slowly, he stepped forward and took her hands in his. "Payal, I've said this before. You have all the right on me. You don't need to be embarrassed for coming into my room without my saying so and you don't need to be embarrassed if you catch me shirtless." He moved her hands so they could rest on his chest. Even through the fabric of his shirt, her touch felt warm and alive. "If you're uncomfortable because you think I would be uncomfortable, then don't. You own me, body and soul."

Payal looked up, a rosy blush on her cheeks. Her eyes were wide and surprised. Vivaan knew she was touched by what he just said, but he had to finish making his point. "But, if you are uncomfortable, then don't hesitate even for a moment in letting me know about it. You set the boundaries."

"I... It's not that I don't..." Payal tried to speak and explain her thoughts. He could read it in her eyes. She was uncomfortable because she wasn't on the same page as him. She wanted to, but she couldn't make herself do it.

"Shh." Vivaan soothed. "It's a personal choice for everyone Payal. No one can force you to change your choice in this matter. And I won't be offended just because I'm ready and you are not. Of course that wouldn't be the case."

"You trust me... so much. Read me... so easily." Payal spoke haltingly. "And yet I... just can't do the same. I don't know why."

Her talks reminded Vivaan of the day he had finally realized that he loved her. He had considered telling her about it, but the situation wasn't in their favor. Payal was troubled about her mother's health now, and she needed his support now more than ever.

Vivaan also knew that Payal liked him. More than that, Payal respected him and understood him. But there was a critical difference.

Since realizing his love for her, Vivaan had no inhibitions in letting Payal see his fears and his weaknesses. He wanted to be his real and actual self, with all the flaws, when he was with her. Love had made his respect more certain, but it had also brought more solidity in his belief - and some possessiveness too. Whatever the situation, Payal was his - to love, protect and cherish. And he would move heaven and hell to avoid losing her.

Payal's feelings for him, although they did exist, were not so deep. He could see that just as easily as he could see the invisible barrier between them, one she wasn't willing to break yet.

"You don't have to figure it out." He told her, leaning to kiss her forehead briefly. "You'll know it when you do. Think of it like an internal compass of sorts. You just need to travel a little more before it aligns itself."

"What if I have to travel a lot further in order to align it?" Payal asked him.

"Then I'll wait as long as it takes." Vivaan answered.

Payal just stared at him, before moving her hands and wrapping them around him. Resting her head on his chest, she whispered "Thank you."

Vivaan hugged her back. "Don't thank me. It is only expected that we understand and respect each other's choices as partners."

"Maybe. But it isn't always the case." Payal said, sighing in deep.

"Vivaan, I had to give this- oh!"

Vivaan and Payal jumped apart when Kaki-sa came in. Like Payal, she too turned around, although it was for a completely different reason.

"Kaki-sa!" Payal fumbled. "I was uh... I had to go call my family. I'll be back."

Once she was gone, Vivaan's aunt turned to him, her eyes narrowed.

"Kaki-sa, uh, I was just..." Vivaan fumbled.

"Chora, Ye romance hi karna hai to darwaza khula mat rakho." She said, a teasing glint in her eyes. (Son, if you are intent on romance, at least don't keep the door open.)

"No, no. I was actually just getting ready to leave... and Payal had to ask something-" But he was interrupted.

"Yes yes, I know what you both had to talk about." Kaki-sa looked like she was barely holding in her laugh. "I can understand. But I hope you both know your limits?" she asked, a hint of sternness in her voice.

Vivaan's face burned with embarrassment. He kept quiet, only nodding. If only Kaki-sa had heard the earlier conversation.

"Good. Here, take this for your friends as well." Kaki-sa handed over another box - probably containing more food. She started leaving, but then stopped. Turning, she walked back to him and placed a hand on his head. "May you both always be this happy and in love."

She did the gesture for nazar utarna, and then left the room, leaving Vivaan unable to hide his smile.

Glossary:

Antakshari - a popular game played in India, literally meaning 'the game of the ending letter'. The participant is required to sing a verse of a popular song (usually a Bollywood song) and the letter at the end of the verse is the letter for the next song. If the participant isn't able to sing a song, or sings it incorrectly, the point goes to the opposing team. The game has multiple variations across India, including addition of regional language songs.

Musafir hu yaaron - Hindi phrase, literally meaning 'O friends! I'm a wanderer'. The beginning of a popular Hindi song from the old Hindi movie Parichay.

Parichay - an old Hindi movie. Parichay literally means 'introduction'.

Zubeida - an old Hindi movie. Zubeida is the name of the titular character.

Ishaara - a hindi word, literally meaning 'gesture'.

Ishaaro ishaaro me - Hindi phrase, literally meaning 'through gestures'.

Kashmir ki kali - an old Hindi movie. Kashmir ki kali literally means 'the flower bud of Kashmir'.

nazar utarna - Hindi idiom. It literally means 'to ward off the evil eye.' Its a traditional gesture and is performed in multiple ways. Elder women in the family typically place both their hands on the sides of the person's head and then curl their fingers to touch the sides of their own heads. This indicates that they wish for all of the troubles befalling the person to fall on them instead. Generally done by elder women for their children, particularly when the child does something very well or says something wise. Another Hindi term is 'Balaaye lena'.