《 kisses and sleepovers 》

This all felt too familiar.

Flora Morgan's house was as elegantly lavish as the way it should be. A cream-colored sofa sat in the posh living room, decorated with a couple of embroidered throw pillows. There was a glass terrarium of pink orchids on the coffee table. When the cool summer breeze came through the window, shadows of the flowers sashayed across the surface. The lighting was perfect. He liked the pleasing smell of the air freshener and he liked how being in this very room made him feel, always in awe but never uncomfortable.

Flora's room was another matter. It was overwhelming, full of surprises, and messy in the most endearing way, much like the girl herself.

His feet sank into the plush beige carpet and he could even remember exactly how it felt when they lay naked on top of it. The sex wasn't what he missed the most, however. He missed the warmth of her and her signature namesake perfume. Whenever he reflected on that, it was like accidentally breaking the bottle.

The fragrance was everywhere in a flash. It was unavoidable. He couldn't see it but he couldn't shake it away, either, and the scent of her lingered in the deepest recess of his brain, haunting his thoughts.

"Sean."

And this. He missed this too. The way she said his name, like a sigh.

Like desire.

"You're back," she said, holding out her arms wide to hug him. "I really, really missed you."

He bent down slightly so they could fit right against each other. It had been a year since they graduated from high school, and while sometimes he felt he had come a long way, in moments like these he realized he hadn't moved on a single inch.

"I miss you, too,"—baby—"Flora."

Her arms tightened around his waist. She pressed the side of her face against his chest, and he smiled when her hair tickled his chin. Longing worked in mysterious ways. When he had nothing, even the pettiest thing piqued his interest.

He might've held onto her a lot longer if not for the annoying cough that decided to make its grand entrance.

"Ahem," Dylan cleared his throat beside them. "Should I leave? I feel like I'm intruding."

Sean pulled away before his friend could make more snide comments about how the sexual tension was so deep he could practically swim laps in it.

Flora tilted her head. "You'll get your turn, Dill."

"When, next season?"

She smiled with composure and turned to hug Dylan. Sean counted. The hug was significantly shorter and they were barely touching.

Good.

"How's Peru?" Flora asked, leading the way into the kitchen. "I can't believe you guys traveled together again. That's seriously amazing."

"That just means we have no other friends," Sean said. It was exaggerated, but there was at least some truth in his words. His comfort zone was still limited to about five people, Flora not included. He felt anything but calm around her.

Dylan started talking about their trip to South America. They were the first to arrive, and the house felt too vast with only three people. She listened, laughed, and asked questions, but Sean could see that the light in her eyes weren't as relaxed as he remembered. When she went to pour them a drink, he saw her glance at the antique clock.

"Jake went to pick up Jessica," he said to comfort her. "Don't worry, they'll be here soon."

"Okay." She ran a hand through her hair, with a savage force that he was familiar with, like she was frustrated enough to rip it out by the roots. "Janet called. There's some crisis down at the studio...something about spill and acoustic screens, which is too complicated for me to understand. Bottom-line is, she can't make it."

"It's tough being a rock star," Sean said.

"Yeah. Aside from that, Alan ignores my calls. Sarah's gone MIA and I haven't seen her for months. She said she'd call back but never did. Nick can't come, either, although I believe he wants to." She looked up at him. A thin smile tugged at her lips, barely curling up the edge. "Sometimes I wonder if I did something to offend everyone, but I'm just too self-centered to figure out what it was."

"It's not you, Flora. It's life." He helped her take out the plates of finger food she had prepared. Fries, mini-sized pizzas, and sandwiches were the ones he recognized. The others were too exquisite for him to name, but that didn't stop Dylan from grabbing and shoving them into his mouth.

Flora looked at his already empty glass and poured him another drink. "I feel like Mrs. Dalloway right now. I can't stop fretting over this stupid party even though it's just supposed to be a small get together. I have this awful feeling that everyone will be bored," she said under her breath, sneaking a glance at Dylan, who was munching a few steps away. He looked lost in his own corner of food heaven.

Sean took two bottles of vodka from her hands and placed it on the kitchen counter. "You've lost your touch. I was outraged when I heard there wasn't going to be a theme." He smiled at her. "We're your friends. We're here because we want to see you. Forget the pressure of making this the party to go down in history. That was done already, remember?"

She smiled back. She didn't say anything, but he was certain she could picture the event just as clearly. That memory was adorned with sparkling lights, glittery decorations, designer cupcakes, and a pair of fluffy angel wings. Her lips were on his, arms around his neck, and it was the night that led to crushed dreams and flared up hope and everything else that followed.

Then the doorbell rang, and the lights dimmed away to reality. Flora put down the wine bottles she was arranging and went to the door.

Sandra and Carmen arrived together, and a short while later Jake stepped in with Jessica. This gathering was considerably small for Flora's standards, but to Sean it was more than enough.

They were the people that mattered.

∞

Jake knew all the famous drinking games as well as some lesser known ones, and he seemed to have taken it upon himself to get everyone drunk in record speed. Sean suspected he made up the rules along the way, but no one was sober enough to correct him. They were a surprisingly obedient group of people when it came to drinking on demand, almost as if they wanted to drink away the time spent apart.

Flora sat across from Sean on the carpet, her cheeks tinted with the lightest pink hue. "Never have I ever..." She fingered the rim of her shot glass with her thumb, before glancing over at Sandra. She smirked. "...hooked up at Raymond Corbett's house."

Sandra's usual cool demeanor didn't waver. After a dirty stare she cast sideways, she was quick to pick up her drink. She tipped back her head and swallowed in one gulp.

Dylan and Jake followed with drinks of their own.

"Raymond's house isn't a motel," Sean said, shaking his head. "You guys have no respect for the host."

Jake grinned. "You can't say you went to Riverside High if you haven't banged at his house at least once. Speaking of which, Sandy, did you hook up with the host?"

"I've always wanted to ask you what you did at his after prom party," Dylan said. "You were in there for an awfully long time. Enough for two short sprints or a thorough marathon. Either way, Ray is a blessed guy."

Sandra rolled her eyes. "We talked. We had an actual conversation, one that people like you aren't capable of."

"That's it? Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?" Jake sang.

"We slept together a long time afterwards." Sandra took another drink and downed it in seconds, even though no one asked her to. "That was a pretty sexual summer for me, and a little bit of autumn too. Not so much in spring...and then a few weeks ago, he suggested that we turned this into an open relationship."

Carmen's eyes widened. "What does that mean?"

"Means she's a designated fuck," Dylan said. "He's bored and just wants a free pass to cheat."

Sandra frowned. "It sounds worse when you put it like that, but yeah, pretty much. According to him, when we see each other we can do everything couples do, but when we don't, it's don't ask, don't tell. He said he didn't want us to hold each other back. He wanted to experience."

"What did you say?" Jessica asked.

"I told him to screw himself, of course. He can experience never speaking to me again."

Sean met Flora's eyes across the circle. "Is that why you didn't invite him?"

Flora sighed. "Sandy doesn't want to see him. She really hates him now, you know, genuinely, not like the way she pretended to hate him in high school." She put an arm around Sandra's shoulders. "Seriously, Sandy, you have to admit he's honest. He's allowed to make a suggestion and it's not like he went ahead and did anything. He just has a more...liberal point of view when it comes to sex. Jean-Paul Sartre was like that, too."

Jake leaned over and cupped Jessica's chin. He smiled. "Jess, we should have that too! An open relationship sounds like the perfect solution to a horny boyfriend and a long-distance relationship."

Jessica smiled sweetly back at him as she patted his face. "Jake, we can have a nonexistent relationship if you mention this ever again."

Jake laughed. The relaxed, playful atmosphere between them was contagious without coming across as overbearing. They were sweet, but not the kind that made onlookers cringe.

Sean was happy for him and also extremely envious. Only Jake could have the good fortune of having strictly meaningless sex in high school, and the moment he decided to take a chance, he cruised through his first love with ease and it was smooth sailing ever since.

Sean's gaze climbed over the littered wine bottles and scattered cards before it found its way onto Flora, his own failed attempt. She was touching her glass to Carmen's, eyes bright and mouth opened wide, showing two rows of pearly teeth. She always complained about how she looked hideous that way, but Sean loved her laugh like that. Like she forgot to stay beautiful for a split second but ended up looking twice as wonderful.

The games continued and the night swirled.

Dylan asked to see the most scandalous photo on everyone's phone, and because they were all getting wasted, most of them put up without a fight. Jake and Jessica claimed they had some unspeakably dirty ones that would corrupt their friends, so they got away with it by describing verbally. Sean didn't care if his entire photo album was passed around and scrolled through; it was filled with lecture slides from school and it was no secret that he was a full-on nerd.  Sandra and Flora had s few harmless selfies, even though Sandra was sporting a huge pimple in one of them and she found that mortifying enough.

Carmen remained rigid in her spot when it was her turn. She gripped her phone tightly in one hand. "I pass. I can drink another shot as punishment."

"No, Carmen, you shall not pass! Now I'm completely intrigued," Dylan said. He stood up and hovered over her. "What can a good girl like you possibly be hiding?"

"You're really going to regret this if you push me."

He smirked. "I can take that chance."

Carmen breathed a deep sigh of resolution. She flipped her phone around in her palm a couple of times, then she clicked it open, found the picture, and placed her phone gingerly on the floor. She crossed her arms over her chest, inching backwards as if bracing herself for an explosion.

Jake looked at the photo and gasped.

"That really is scandalous," Sean said.

Sandra shook her head and tsked. "Carmen Belles, you should be ashamed of yourself. I don't think I can look at you in the same way ever again."

"You guys are more dramatic than I am," Carmen mumbled.

Flora giggled. "Oh my God. I have been waiting for this moment. I've been waiting for so long. I should videotape this." She pointed at Carmen's phone with her own, then she turned and fixed the camera on Dylan.

Dylan picked up the phone and squinted at the screen. His eyebrows raised, at the same time pulling up the small silver loop that pierced through his left one. "I'm really drunk right now so I can't be sure...but is that...me?"

"You were feeding baby llamas in Peru," Carmen said, her voice getting smaller and smaller. "I screenshot your Instagram."

Flora burst into laughter.

"But why?" Dylan put down the phone and looked at Carmen, who was hiding her face in her hands.

"She likes you, you dummy," Jessica said, barely making an effort to hide her grin.

"Carmen?" Dylan grabbed her wrists gently and brought her hands down.

Sean started to feel really sorry that the poor girl had to be put on the spot like that. At first he found it funny, but now that he saw she was forced to give that confession, he decided to say something to rescue her.

He didn't get the chance to do it, however. Carmen was off like s rocket.

"Dylan I have a crush on you and I never intend for you to find out and especially not like this, in front of everyone...this is your fault because you're the one that came up with this stupid idea...ah, never mind. I'm too drunk to worry about it now. I'll just regret this tomorrow. I think you're adorable," Carmen said in one breath. "Okay. My life is officially over."

Jake grabbed his side and laughed uncontrollably. "Aw, Dylan is more adorable than the llamas. He called his mom every night when we were in Peru, too, if you must know."

Carmen smiled shyly with glazed eyes.

Sean knew that Dylan was not unaccustomed to girls having a crush on him. He may be caught off guard at first, but he soon recovered. He sat himself down right next to Carmen and gave her an arrogant grin.

"Carmen, we can do better than that, don't you think?" He took her phone and held it up, adjusting the angle, and then he leaned towards her and planted a kiss on her cheek.

The flash went off.

Dylan handed the phone back to her. "You can use that as your lock screen." He winked. "You're welcome."

Sean sighed disapprovingly to himself. Dylan did things without considering the consequences, and he knew that his friend was already chasing some other girl at college. Dylan met her at a frat party, and when she was pushed against him during a Rihanna song, he was hit by something close to an epiphany and realized that he was in love. That girl also had an amazing rack, but according to Dylan, that was entirely coincidental.

Paradoxically, at the same time he admired that kind of irresponsibility from his friend. If Sean wasn't such an over thinker himself, he and Flora would probably end up differently. They could be better and they could be worse. They wouldn't be like this, that was for certain—sitting across from each other, forming a great circle of harmony with all their closest friends while they snuck peaks at each other.

She sat there, at the other end of the circle, like an ending as well as a beginning, like infinity. There were tentative smiles, flickering gazes, and no hard feelings.

All the feelings left were soft ones.

∞

When it was well into the night, Flora started to assign rooms for her guests.

"You guys should take my room," she said to Jake and Jessica. "I'm pretty sure I know what you're up to and I don't want you to mess up my parents' bed."

"I'm appalled, Flora," Jake said. "We're respectable people. We won't leave behind anything but good memories."

Jessica patted Flora's hand and threw her a reassuring smile. "We'll do it in the showers. You won't find any evidence."

"We'll let the water wash away all our sins." Jake made a swooshing motion with his hands.

Flora rolled her eyes and smiled. She offered to stay in the only single room in the house so that Carmen and Sandra could take the double bed. Sean told her he didn't mind sleeping on the couch.

"I need a break from Dill," he said. "I've been sharing a room with him for the past two weeks in South America and I can't stand him anymore."

It was hardly the truth. The real reason was that he was offering himself a chance.

A chance to be isolated and approached.

When the house settled into quietness, Sean lay with his eyes open. He was tired and dizzy with alcohol, but his brain refused to shut down. There was too much of everything in this room and Flora was too near.

Her smiles and the sound of her voice floated around in the dark ocean of his consciousness like glowing jellyfish, sparkling, blinking, drifting...

He heard a small squeak down the corridor. Seconds later, a pair of satin slippers came into view. It moved towards the kitchen and the tap was turned on, filling a glass, then another.

Yes. Yes yes yes.

He sat up. Flora wrapped herself in a thin bathrobe, holding two tall glasses of water in her hands.

"Hey," she said softly, approaching him.

"Can't sleep?"

She set down the glasses on the table. "Can't sleep at all. You were away for so long and now you're so close. I keep wanting to check on you. Do you have enough blankets?"

He nodded. It was a warm night, made warmer by her presence. He moved over, and with a silent understanding between them, she sat down, leaning back against the sofa with a sigh.

"That was fun," Sean said after a short pause. "Mrs. Dalloway's party turned out okay after all."

"Yeah." She hugged her knees to her chest. "It's not...I wasn't really worried about throwing a successful party, to be honest."

"What were you really worried about?"

She turned her hazel eyes to his face. "That we're drifting apart. Not just you and me...but everyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who cares."

"I care, too."

"I know. You're great, Sean. I want to thank you for the postcards this year, too."

"Some of them might still be in the mail. I wrote seven, I think."

"I got three so far." A warm glow came over her eyes, like spring rain washing away the snow. "They are so nice. Funny, too. I can't stop reading them. It's like reading your diary and I can't wait for the next update."

"Glad to hear that."

She settled back against the sofa, closer to him this time. The soft fabric of her robe brushed against the back of his arms.

"Why do you feel like we're drifting apart?" Sean asked after a short but comfortable silence.

"I don't think my friends need me very much anymore. We don't talk often, and I know it's because they are having a fab time in university and I'm happy about that, honestly. I just...like I have friends in NYU too, and my roommates are great and everything, but when I was back in high school, whenever something interesting happened to me I'd be thinking, I have got to tell Sandy about this, and now it's more like, I see my classmates and then I try to think of interesting things to say to them. It's the other way around."

"I get it. For example, we drank together tonight because we're close, but at MIT, I drink with people just so we can feel closer. There's a different relation between cause and effect."

"Exactly!" Flora grabbed his forearm. She pulled back her hand immediately when her fingers came in contact with his skin, like he burned her. "I mean, yes. They are irreplaceable to me, but I feel like they've all managed to find a new set of friends. I'm really amazed you, Jake and Dill are still so close. We girls say we love each other all the time, but sometimes I think maybe guy friendships are the ones that last."

"Oh, you'd be surprised at how many times Dill's told us he loved us."

Flora laughed.

"If it's any consolation, we don't talk very often during school, either," Sean said. "I'm trying so hard to keep up with this insane amount of knowledge. There's a saying that getting an education from MIT is like taking a drink from a fire hose, and sometimes I feel like it can easily choke me."

"Wow. That sounds intense. Do you like it so far?"

"You're going to laugh...but there's nowhere else I'd rather be. This place is freaking amazing. I have a feeling it's going to give me back more than I could ever imagine."

Flora bit on her lip, but her face was already transforming into a grin.

"There. You're laughing at me," Sean accused good-naturedly.

"No." Her face broke into a full smile. "I admire you. So much. I love it when you sound all nerdy and serious."

"That doesn't sound like a compliment but I'll let it go." He chuckled. "How about you? Are you having fun in NYU?"

"Eh. People here are self-important, impatient and suffer from severe attacks of mood swings. They can't sit still for one minute."

Sean grinned and nudged her lightly against her ribs. "I knew you'd fit right in."

Flora giggled. "I know, right? I'm having a blast. Not to mention the bagels here are to die for. You should visit me sometimes."

"You have to do more than bagels to lure me in."

"Ooh, that sounds like a challenge, mister."

Sean liked that they could carry on a conversation so easily. It was one of the things he missed profoundly about them, that despite having entirely different interests and personalities, they could always amuse each other with little effort.

"Flora, what I'm saying is, we all have our own lives now and things can't stay like the way it was in high school. I don't even wish for it to stay the same way if it could." He was surprised that of all the people, he would be the one to give Flora this pep talk. "You don't want to be the kind of person that can't move on from the glory of high school."

"I know, Sean, I know. I think I just had a weak moment back there when people kept canceling and the rest showed up late. It's like being the last person to leave a party...like everyone's ready to go and you're the only one that's desperately hanging on to something. That feeling sucks."

"Flora, no one's ready to leave the party yet. Can't you see?"

He got her metaphor just like she got his pun. She nodded. "Thanks, Sean."

"We may not spend as much time together as a year ago, but as soon as we meet up, it's just like the old times. I'm ecstatic to see the old gang back, and if someone as lukewarm as me feel this way, I'm sure they all appreciate your effort of arranging this."

"You always know what to say."

"I mean it. I can't believe Sandra told us about Raymond. I was so touched I almost cried."

She laughed. "She always refers to you guys as our stupid jock friends, but you can tell you have a special place in her heart."

"Or maybe she's just dreadfully drunk and she'll kill us all when she wakes up."

She nodded gravely. "Quite possibly. It was nice to hear her talk so openly about it, though. She got mad every time I brought him up." Her face lit up as she turned her face upward. "On a side note, don't you think Dylan and Carmen are incredibly cute?"

"I don't know. I think it's a careless thing for him to do. Dill's great but he's...he just doesn't think. He doesn't know how it's going to affect her."

"Maybe Carmen isn't as naïve as you think. Maybe she doesn't expect anything to come out of it and she's happy enough with her lock screen. You never know."

"He's leading her on."

"She likes him and maybe at that moment, she was happy he made a move."

Sean raised his eyebrows. Flora's gaze was transparent, and he sensed it was a statement not just about their friends. She moved closer, if that was even possible, and her fingers brushed against the back of his hand.

He was not one to make a move like that, however, not because he didn't have the confidence to, but because he had to be sure he could offer the things that followed. It was easy to act on a spark of passion, but he wanted the fire to keep burning for a long time to come.

Which was why he couldn't tell Flora the things he wanted to say, and he couldn't ask her for the answers he wanted to hear. He was careful about staying inside the line. He wanted to be there for her, to support her, to comfort her, to be her friend, but until he could figure out if he was really good for her, it would be selfish to let her know how he felt.

"I should let you go to bed," he suggested when she yawned.

She peered at him from under her lashes. "I want to stay...I mean, this is a really big sofa."

"It's not that big."

"Can I sleep here?" Her eyes were wide and innocent, and she spoke with the kind of softness that was impossible to turn down. "I want to sleep with you. Literally."

Sean picked up the water from the coffee table and tried to avoid from answering.

She kept her gaze on his face. Sean took his time drinking from the glass, partly to stall for time, partly because his throat was suddenly raw.

Flora took the glass from his hand. "I promise I won't touch you. I'm too drunk to do anything."

"How disappointing," he joked, trying to lighten the tension.

"I'm tired and I want to hear your voice until I fall asleep." She settled against him and pulled up the covers, hugging it to her chin. "That's all. I don't see you often enough and I want to make the most out of our time together."

"Flattered to be your personal DJ."

She chuckled. Sean let her sleep on the inside, even though half of his body was hanging off the edge. He tried giving her as much space as possible. All the space in the world, however, wasn't enough to fend off the heat radiating from her body or the flowery smell of her hair.

After a while, he gave up. He was drunk, exhausted, and sleeping next to the girl he was irreversibly in love with. It was hard, and she was right. They didn't see each other often enough.

With that in mind, he thought it was not an unforgivable sin if he put his arms around her and held her a little closer.

∞

Sean woke up on the floor the next morning.

At first he didn't realize where he was. He blinked and saw Flora sleeping on the sofa, one arm extended, holding his own hand. He had no memory of how that happened or who had been the one to initiate the hand holding. When he tore his hand away, she flipped over and opened her eyes.

"Hey." He squinted and smiled at her.

"Good morning, handsome."

He peeled himself off the floor. "Have you gotten fat? You apparently knocked me to the floor."

Flora giggled and kicked him with her bare foot. She stretched her arms over her head and sat up.

The house was still, and it appeared as if everyone else was still sleeping. The morning light streamed through the window and left a pool of gold on the floor right next to her. She smiled at him, like she was telling him a secret.

He watched her pad off to the kitchen. They didn't do anything scandalous together, but it was strangely intimate. He felt as if he had escaped narrowly.

At nineteen, Sean had yet to learn what real happiness was. Sometimes it seemed just within reach when it was merely an illusion. When the sun sifted through Flora's hair and made it look lighter, like molten bronze, when it was quiet all around aside from the buzz of the coffee machine, when she handed over his mug of black coffee without needing to ask how he liked it—he was indescribably happy.

He left with the rest of their friends later that morning, knowing he wouldn't be seeing her for a while.

It was okay. This transient sense of happiness could keep him going for a while. It would get him through harsh exams, cramming sessions, late nights, lonely mornings, and moments of clarity when he reminded himself that good things came to those who waited.

He could do this for her.

∞

a/n: dear all, so this is finally here! I know it's been a long wait and I'm extremely thankful for your patience. I hope you're not disappointed with the first chapter, and please do let me know if there's anything I can improve on. I've written down the outline for every chapter but I'm open to suggestions regarding the plot.

The tone of this story will be slightly different from KITEP since I want it to have a more sophisticated feel to it and I don't want the characters to sound like they haven't matured at all. I also don't intend to fill in all the blanks. The chapters will be like a glimpse into a certain period of time, or you can think of it as taking a chunk out of their life for examination. You're incredibly smart people and you'll be able to link it together :)

Thank you for reading xx