CHAPTER 35: Can I Be Honest?

CHAPTER 35: Can I Be Honest?

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Ella couldn't sleep that night, her thoughts won't settle and her mind played the series of events that happened that day like a broken record on a loop.

Now that she knew the truth, everything about him seemed so obvious. Each quality she associated with Elliot, matched with him perfectly. She even picked up on the things she subconsciously ignored before.

Jay was the one to phone her and call he back home when she was waiting for him to meet her at the willow tree, the very first time... when he didn't show up.

Jay was the one who suggested the diary was stolen... Because he knew that was the case. What a slip up... She should have joined the dots!

He was always sweet, supportive, considerate, put others needs before his and made everyone happy. He was ambidextrous, rarely talked about himself, was knowledgeable about books and so much more. His idiosyncratic observations with a dash of humour topped with delightful wit... It was all unique to him.

Ella looked at the diary that sat on her bedside table, it was calling to her and she gave in, picking it up, she flipped it open. There were quite a few new letters, some brief, while others were long and meticulous.

She settled comfortably in her bed as her eyes devoured every word and with every page she turned, a smile grew on her lips, and she eventually fell asleep with a happy expression on her face.

These days Ella thought her life was competing against a rollercoaster and coming out on top. Even though physically and outwardly nothing much happened, emotionally she went through a wide range, but conditions were returning back to normal slowly and she always had a smile on her face, though she didn't seem aware of it.

Even though Jay had told her to think about god-knows-what, she knew there was nothing much to think about.

For a couple of days, every time she figured something out about Jay she would approach him and ask him about it, while he answered truthfully.

"So, I was thinking and I realised that it was you who signed Patrick's name on the receipt that day we went shopping at Walmart?" She asked, to confirm her hypothesis.

"Yeah, I should have been more careful about that..." He admitted sheepishly.

They were sitting in the cafe, laptops open in front of them, trying to get some work done, but instead, they talked over their screens.

She pretended not to notice when she felt his gaze on her face and he didn't move his foot when her leg accidentally brushed against his knee under the table. There was a weird intensity in the air every time their eyes met, Ella ducked her head to hide the flush on her face and Jay acted like his heart wasn't beating like a drumroll.

"Not that it mattered..." she muttered. "I saw what I wanted to see."

"That's not true, you just couldn't see what I hid..." He said, and after a beat added, "What would you have done if you figured it out earlier?"

"Murder." She said flatly.

"Naturally..." He nodded, agreeing automatically, "And other than that?"

She made a show of thinking about it a minute, as she creased her brows and made a ridge appear on her forehead, "Probably would have resurrected you eventually..."

His smile was tiny, tucked away into the corner of his mouth, "Sounds flamboyant," He said looking down at the keyboard, "What else?"

She gave it a real thought this time and said, "Wondered why you didn't tell me about any of it in person..."

He looked up from his keyboard to meet her eyes over the screen, his eyes were sad, "It's not a fun story..."

"It's not about that." she insisted. "You know that better than anyone."

"Even so... It's just- It's difficult, always have been," he mumbled, and she saw just how hard it really was for him.

"Tell me about your brother." Ella asked, "You never talk about him."

He took a moment to speak, "That's because talking about him makes me miss him more than I already do." He admitted.

"It's okay to miss someone... it's a good thing," she said, part of her thoughts travelled to her mother and he could read her like a book.

A beat passed and then he began speaking, "Aaron, that's his name. He's four years older. He is the opposite of me, good at everything he puts his mind to, calm and composed, a little too logical, as a little kid I always looked up to him, both literally and figuratively, he was always taller than me." he smiled a little which eventually faded, "I wanted to be like him, he was overprotective, like my personal human shield, he placed himself between me and anything that could be a potential threat, thanks to him I led a pretty sheltered childhood, he was my best friend... is my best friend."

Minutes passed and they both didn't speak he looked away, blinking like he wanted to block all the memories away.

"I thought that was me," Ella said, attempting to bring some levity. "Are you one of those who goes around calling everyone their best friend?" she raised an eyebrow.

He chuckled softly, the tension left his body and he relaxed, "Nah... that's not you..." His eyes turned dark, "you are my confidant and my prettiest friend."

Ella felt her breathing stop for a second, her heart stuttered against her ribs, her face warmed, "I-uh..." That was all she could say while he looked at her, "I did not know about such a category."

He leaned a bit closer, pressing his knee more firmly into her leg, "I practically had to invent that... just for you."

She swallowed thickly, feeling lost for words, unsure what was happening. Finally, she spoke "Well, I guess if that's the next best thing." she cleared her throat when her voice cracked and looked away, "I'll take it."

Jay grinned, his face lit up with dimple. "What a relief."

Then they went back to work, neither of them could get much done, but they stayed there with each other, pretending like they could actually think- let alone work, their legs still touching under the table and eyes occasionally tangled with one another.

And they pretended like it was no big deal... not at all.

Just like that a week passed, and then two... time seemed to have slowed down and all the excitement for the semester end was contagiously spreading around...

Ella found her thoughts straying to Jay more often in the last few days- he was his usual self and didn't allow for anything to become awkward, he just stayed her friend like he said he would but when it was just the two of them he acted all nervous and apologetic which was adorably amusing to her, but even with that undertone- his every thoughtful gesture, everything he did or said- she noticed and felt her heart swell.

His dorky jokes, his crooked smile, and his bright eyes lingered in her mind, she offered no resistance.

When he confessed the whole thing to their friends he got mixed emotions thrown at him, Daniel was immensely thrilled while Nora looked terribly disappointed and didn't try to hide it. It was entertaining for Ella to watch him defend himself while Nora threatened bodily harm for everything he said as a justification.

Another few days passed and Ella knew what she had to do, she was prepared- she looked forward to it even.

It was four in the evening when she dialled his number and waited for him to pick up. It rang once before he answered, seemingly unsure about her actually calling him, "Hey Ella?"

"What are you doing in an hour?" she got straight to the point as she walked around the small space her room allowed.

"Nothing important," he answered after a beat, his voice wavered nervously. "Why? What is it?"

"Can you come over?" She asked gingerly, her confidence was faltering.

"Let me guess, is Nora cooking something again, please warn me if it's something lethal." he joked but it came out sounding forced yet she laughed.

"It's nothing like that, come over and you'll find out." She replied cryptically and then hung up before he could ask more anxious questions.

Time passed quickly as Ella fussed around in her room, after a brief debate she decided to let her hair down and smoothed her hands down her black fitted pants after adjusting her turquoise blue shirt.

"It's just him," Ella breathed and repeated this to herself like a mantra that would get her through this, "Calm down, it's just Jay." Only it wasn't working very effectively- in light of all her recent realisations.

The loud doorbell almost made her jump and she was glad that her roommate wasn't yet home to add to her stress. She grabbed her jacket, bag and slipped on her boots before getting to the door.

Jay stood there somehow looking casual yet fancy in the white shirt that peeked from under his dark jacket and grey trousers, it was obvious how he made an effort to look nice, a nervous glimmer in his eyes was discernible and yet he smiled at her like he couldn't help it. "So, I'm here, what's the plan?"

She felt her heart stop, right before it started beating faster, thump-thump-thumping away on a pace that wasn't normal.

Was he always this cute? She felt her face warm up at that thought, and she looked down at her boots to avoid his gaze.

"You'll see..." When she locked the door to her apartment, he raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

"Are we going somewhere?"

She turned around after the lock was secured and met his gaze, she simply said "Yes." As she began to walk leaving him to follow her.

Forty minutes later they both stood in front of a bookstore with a sign that said, "Sorry We're Closed." and it looked like Jay was about to freak out.

Looking poignantly at the posters that hung from the building, Jay spoke, "Are you telling me we came all the way to meet my favourite author- but can't cause we're late?" He asked, but Ella thought he didn't want her to answer that.

Ella looked into his crushingly defeated eyes and rolled her own, "Stop being so darn dramatic." She reached for his hand that hung limply by his side and then dragged him with her towards the back entrance she was aware of.

All the while trying not to think of how warm his hand was in hers, and how it didn't seem so casual to hold his hand out of nowhere like it used to, especially when her heart reacted to his touch so fervently.

"Ell I don't think we should break-in, I mean he's probably not even in there and if we get caught we could get arrested for breaking & entering and trespassing and other things that I'm not even aware of."

"How experienced are you at criminal activities?" Ella teased and he visibly swallowed his fears but it didn't seem to work.

"Okay, that right there- that does not reassure me." He admitted and she chuckled. "What are we even doing here, are you sure we're allowed to be here, I think we look suspicious, don't you think we look suspicious....?"

Ella ignored his rambling as she found the door she was looking for, she twisted the knob and it opened inwards into a well-lit room that felt invitingly warm. Amanda was sitting in a chair and she looked up when the door was opened, Ella aimed a smile at her brother's manager and greeted her, "Hey Amanda."

Amanda narrowed her eyes playfully at Ella, "We'll do the formalities later, you kept him waiting for so long, he's getting antsy."

Ella brushed it off with a shrug, "It's always me waiting, sometimes he should return the favour." She said and pulled a confused Jay inside a room that held a lot of books, on shelves, tables, chairs, the floor, most of them were still packed in boxes and stacked on top of one another.

"Who was that lady-?" he was asking but then suddenly he swallowed his tongue when Cameron looked over the delicately balanced pile of books on his table and smiled at them as he walked over. Jay froze, he stayed rooted a few steps back while Ella went to her brother.

"Finally, I thought you were keeping me here out of malice and won't show up," Cam complained to her but he had a smile on his face that mellowed it as he gave her a hug.

"That's evil, sounds like something one of your characters would do," Ella remarked and Cam looked outright offended, but only because it was true.

"Cameron Sinclair?" Jay finally could speak and he looked at him like he was looking up at the almighty with stars in his eyes.

"Sinclair is his pen name, guess he's a little bit like you." Ella teased and he coloured in embarrassment but tried to hide it desperately in front of his idol. When he walked closer, she made introductions. "This is my brother Cameron and this is my date, Jay."

Cameron's eyes subtly widened at that intro, "The friend you told me about?" He whispered at her and she nodded, but Jay didn't notice that sibling interaction, he was too busy losing his mind.

Wait, Her what?

Jay looked like the floor just shifted from beneath his feet, he would have embarrassed himself further by choking on thin air but somehow managed not to and shook the hand Cam had forwarded in his direction and held on like it was a lifeline.

"I love all your books, especially the Fire and Ice series, Ivory Castle was so good I worshipped it and Crystal Kingdom, oh my god that wrecked me, completely destroyed me, I never cried so much for a character's death... did you have to kill Damian so brutally?"

"I did not want to kill him either but it had to happen." Cameron was smiling wide from how passionately Jay talked about his books and felt a little bit proud of the emotions he evoked within his readers.

"Jeremiah was a jerk, you could have killed him, but no you had to go for poor innocent Damian." Jay lamented.

"Ella said his death would evoke no sympathy, she said Damian was a better choice." Camron decided to throw her under the bus.

Jay's sharp bright eyes turned to her, "You are stone-hearted!"

Ella rolled her eyes, "It was for the greater good."

And so the debate went on, all three of them stressed their point as it grew heated and then eventually cooled down and dissolved into chuckles.

When they left after a good thirty minutes Jay dropped down on a bench on the sidewalk and sat there, declaring that he needed some time to process all that happened, the book Cam gave him after signing it for him sat in his lap as he stared down at it, "I met Cameron Sinclair who is your brother! I mean you're related to a famous person, and I actually met him! He talked to me, shook my hand too, this feels like a dream, and you- and you said yes...wait that was a yes right? I mean it seemed like it was. Was it not?"

Ella sat down next to him on the bench and looked at him with a half-smile, "Your analysis is correct."

He sighed with relief, and mumbled, "Oh thank god." His hand reached for his own wrist as if he was trying to read his pulse, "I think I'm low on sugar, I think I'm gonna pass out, Shit! I'm gonna pass out on our first date."

"Please don't, it would be hard to lug you around." Ella humoured and he laughed through his panic.

"I can't believe you planned this, I wanted to be the one to ask you out," he told her earnestly and she felt her heart pound louder at his admittance.

She beamed and said, "Maybe you can do that next time." and he smiled, satisfied with that answer.

A beat passed in silence and Ella hesitantly brought up Rhea casually, or at least she hoped it was casual while she fidgeted with her hands, "Are you sure you don't have any residual feelings, I mean it's possible since she was so close to you and those letters...?" she trailed off, looking at a distant lamp post.

He was almost amused at how uncomfortable she was to talk about his ex, and tried to put her out of her misery, "Do you still have to ask? Those letters were more for myself than her, It's been a while since I am well and truly over her, in fact, my thoughts only have room for one person these days." The implication was strong in his intense eyes and it made her blush, she looked down at her hands in an attempt to hide it.

"I've been meaning to say..." Ella tried to change the topic, suddenly feeling shy, "If you decide not to go home for Christmas, you should come home with me."

"I can't possibly-" his protest was cut short when she spoke again.

"It won't be a bother, my dad and brother won't mind so think about it okay?" She held his gaze meaningfully.

He smiled, "Okay, I'll think about it."

Jay looked at a cornerstone coffee house that served take away beverages and said, "I should probably get something before I actually collapse." he then looked at her and asked, "Do you wanna get coffee with me?"

"You don't have to ask so unsurely, we're already on a date..." she teased.

"Geez, I wonder why that's not registering..." He said with an embarrassed smile.

They walked together—close, hands brushed once then twice and they pretended like it didn't happen, all the while wishing for it to happen again. Ella was hyper aware of him, of the distance between them and the warmth he gave off and he looked transfixed by her like he was aware of her every breath, her every movement.

He reached for her hand as they both crossed the street when the signal turned red for the vehicles. He didn't let go of her hand after they were safely on the other side not even after they ordered and waited for it to be prepared. His hand was warm around her cold fingers, but what shocked her was the sizzling hum that came alive when they touched, the accelerated beating of her heart that became apparent, taking centre stage in her mind. She couldn't focus on anything else... the feeling, it was so new, in a pleasant way and she liked it a bit too much.

She looked down at their joined hands pointedly and asked in a lighthearted, teasing tone, "are we doing this now?"

He followed her gaze and let go of her hand only to hold it again more securely with fingers intertwined and palms facing, he looked at her cheekily, "Are we not? Besides you were the one doing that before, I'm just keeping yours warm."

Ella smirked, "That's your excuse?" She laughed, "It's pathetic."

Jay looked thoughtful for a split second before he said, "Yes it is, but I'm committing to it." there was a flush to his face but he braved the slight embarrassment, Ella smiled at how cute he was. Just adorable.

Jay sipped his chocolate milk and Ella her coffee as they walked around a random neighbourhood and found a park. It wasn't too busy as the sun had set and stars were showing up yet they both seemed to be in no hurry to end their date, "I kinda understand now why you doubted yourself as a writer when he's your brother and so successful." Jay said as he saw the bigger picture.

"I try not to be affected by all of that, but sometimes...it just gets to me, you know..." She said, "I begin to think if I'm good enough?"

"It's only natural, but I think you will be an even better writer than him, you work so hard for it and you're a great storyteller, you have a loud mind with very many thoughts to share and you pick your words so uniquely... that sounds like the makings of a great author, plus your brother will help you be better than him." He ended with a quip and Ella laughed.

They sat under a tree in the park they had walked a whole circle of and gazed into the distance, even without words the silence wasn't awkward, they just sat side by side, content and appreciated the nice weather, even though it was cold... but it wasn't snowing and the sky was clear. It was as though the pleasant weather was enticing them into staying longer and they weren't exactly opposed to that suggestion.

The glacial moon shone brightly in the night sky and Ella said, "I can imagine it, you know... a young Jay looking up at the moon and thinking it followed him around at night."

"Oh my god, I forgot I told you that... I was a dumb kid." He closed his eyes and didn't meet her gaze.

"It's so dorky and stupid... it's just so you." she chuckled. "I can't believe I didn't join the dots right then."

"Geez thanks..." he turned to face her with a playful disconcerted expression.

Ella wasn't aware of when she had turned to look at him, his eyes were like the Pacific at twilight, somewhere between blue and grey and deep like the ocean itself. They looked bright at times, beautiful and inviting like clear waters, but the turbulent rogue waves were hidden inside and only rose to the surface sometimes- breaking the calm when he's feeling unsettled and overcome with emotions. And yet, she wanted to sink into them.

The moment stretched and they stayed locked in it, Ella softly said, "How did I not realise it was you?"

It was a rhetorical question but he answered it anyway, "I didn't want you to... I didn't think I was ready to lose a... -friend."

"It makes me mad whenever I think it was you-...I just-" Ella narrowed her eyes sharply, and then sighed, "I was looking in all the wrong places."

The silence stretched as he didn't speak a moment. It was getting colder and darker momentarily, they disposed of their empty cups and started walking back, hands still intertwined and steps slow and dragging like neither one of them wanted the night to end.

Jay smiled but it gradually dimmed, "You have every reason to be mad, but please don't be mad tonight, I'd like to end our first date on a good note." he joked but was mostly serious, and then his voice took a melancholic turn, "I don't think I can find appropriate words to defend myself, I was a coward, still am...constantly afraid of judgement and terrified to lose something precious and I'm scared it's a fault that would stay with me a long time."

She squeezed his hand warmly, she had forgiven him and she reassured him of it as she looked somewhere in the distance and words just slipped through her lips, "I never thought it would be like this...but the more I get to know you I like you even more-" She blushed and looked up at him, "the you I wrote letters to, the you that was always right by me, every bit of you and I can't be anything but honest with you because it's a habit now," she told him sincerely and watched his eyes glimmer with a smile that originated somewhere deep within him.

"Can I be honest with you too?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he moved closer, and she nodded in encouragement, he seemed to hesitate but took a moment and then decided to speak his thoughts, "Maybe it's a bit too forward to tell you this...but, right now, I'm barely holding myself back from kissing you."

If Ella thought her heart was racing before she had no idea what it was doing now, maybe she was going into a cardiac arrest, she'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it too... and his words filled her with something of anticipation. They had both suddenly stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, she gazed into his eyes and read the truth there.

How could he be such an enigma...a contradiction? One moment he would admit he was a scared coward and the next he would say something this bold when each one required a great deal of courage and in different forms.

He captivated her completely, it was so strange she only just realised it, all this time he was the one she seeked out when in need of a friend and even in those times of friendship it has always been more, the silent moments now were heavy with acknowledgement.

She wanted to revel in every detail, savour every second mindfully with all her consciousness as something came alive between them, like the atmosphere was suddenly humming with energy and she couldn't look away as if caught in a magnetic field.

Their nervous touches, playful glances and closeness meant so much more that they were now aware of their feelings, the air around them was filled with possibilities...

"I see I have startled you..." he said when she stayed silent, but a flush rose up to his face as he blinked and looked down, "I won't apologise for that confession, it is the truth, though I wish I'd been a bit more thoughtful—"

Without thinking and worrying over anything she made a moved to close the distance between them and kissed him on the cheek sweetly, before throwing her arms around him to hold him in an embrace that felt far too intimate than any they've shared before.

She was suddenly overcome with shyness and just wanted to hide her face in his jacket.

What was happening to her? She had no clue...

Jay was shocked at first, she felt it in the way he went still for a hot second but recovered quickly and folded his arms around her waist, bringing her closer to his beating heart as if he wanted to blend them together to form one being.

It was a quick peck, a soft press of her warm lips that sent shivers down his spine, he couldn't process the world around him. He was breathing in her pleasant perfume, the familiarity of which comforted him greatly.

"Shut up..." She mumbled fondly, though his words had already ceased, she stood there, feeling his heart race under her cheek, and he chuckled at her words again, before attempting to speak.

"As you say..." He said without missing a beat.

"You don't have to apologize for honesty, it's one of the things I like the most...though you could work on your timing," Ella mumbled against the collar of his jacket and he laughed softly but didn't say anything.

Her lips tingled from the briefest contact with his skin and she hoped her heart would calm down soon. He smelled nice she realised, like soap and mild laundry detergent. Just like he always did. It was comforting and thrilling all it once.

When she tried to break the embrace he tightened his hold, "Stay this way a minute...it's warm."

Ella smiled, "That's your excuse?"

He buried his face in the crook of her neck and whispered in her ear, "I know...It's pathetic."

Ella laughed and thought if there was one thing she could never describe, it was the tender feeling of that moment, she could almost feel it getting imprinted in her memory, the strong friendship they shared, so sincere, so affectionate...it was more than just love.

"I am so glad that it is you..." Ella admitted and felt his embrace tighten just a smidge, he didn't say anything but she knew he was smiling. She could feel him relax in her embrace like all this while he was tensed and anxious about what was to come... and right then he had left all the worries behind.

Just as the night ended, he walked her home and then they both stood around blushing like two idiots who didn't know what to do with themselves.

But they would figure it out, It was only the beginning after all. They weren't the kind to rush... They had all the time.

And they wanted to make every moment count.

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THE END

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AHHHHHHH!

OH MY GOD! What just happen?

Did I fell in love with characters of my own imagination?

Holy fu-!

AND I COMPLETED ANOTHER BOOK! HOLY SHIT!

AM I THE ONLY ONE FREAKING OUT?!

I'll attempt to calm down.....*attempts breathing exercises*

Okay. I'm calm now. Mostly....

Tell me what you think of this chapter?

Hope you like the story.

There is still an epilogue remaining...I hope to see you there.

Please do vote and comment, it would mean a lot to me.

Thanks for reading this story till the very end.