CHAPTER 33: I Don't Know...

CHAPTER 33: I Don't Know...

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The day passed slowly yet Ella wasn't aware of its passing as she lived like she always did, but a cloud of melancholy seemed to follow her around. She was coming to terms with the absence of a very important element of her life- one that she didn't realise had been so essential since she left that letter in the library a few days ago,

She stared long and hard that morning at the bottom drawer of her desk where she kept the bundle of his letters and wondered what they meant to her now?

Ella thought that question was one that only those who had written or received letters will truly understand how hard it was to answer, just because the chapter was coming to a close didn't mean everything that's in those letters, everything they represent- it all disappeared. There was nostalgia there, longing and hope, a lot of meaning and heart was put into them and that's never going to get old or meaningless no matter how much time passes.

Ella knew she would always cherish those letters just as she stated in her letter and she hoped there were no hard feelings from his side for how the correspondence ended.

"Hey Ella, are you okay?" Neo's voice snapped her back into reality and she stared into his eyes feeling disoriented. "You've been in a daze since our presentation ended, if you're worried about how it went, then don't, I think the professor was really impressed."

She replayed what he asked in her mind and registered the question before forcing herself to smile up at him, only now realising the class was empty and they were the only ones present there. "I'm fine."

Neo watched her with a concerned frown as she stood up, packed her bag and slung it on her shoulder, "You don't seem fine, class ended ages ago, but you just sat there unmoving, don't do that again- it gives away that you weren't paying attention and professors might not like it." He joked and got a real smile out of her.

"Thanks for the head's up." she said as both of them exited the classroom, joining the few people lingering in the corridor. "Isn't your next class the other way?"

Neo glanced at his wristwatch "Shoot! I have to rush, my class is about to start..."

"See you around..." She smiled at him and he nodded.

"Yeah." He mumbled and then he took a sharp turn and briskly walked away, "take care of yourself, sometimes you worry me." And then he was gone.

His urgency was understandable, all the professors were rushing to end the semester, there was an imperative air mixed with the cold atmosphere as everyone looked forward to the holidays in a few weeks while tortuously studying for the upcoming exams.

Ella was in the same boat, trying to stay afloat with her grades while holding on to her thick textbooks that seemed to be her impending doom.

As lunch time rolled around she had fallen in step with her roommate as they walked together to some place Nora deemed adequate for their meal.

"You're not second guessing it, are you?" Nora asked when Ella seemed deep in thought.

Last night Ella broke down and explained to her friend regarding the decision she made about her correspondence and confessed how her feelings had grown to be more complicated than she could comprehend.

"No, I'm not..." She shook her head, almost as if she was trying to shake her thoughts out of her mind, "I don't think I made the wrong choice, It's just, I wonder if it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't end the correspondence." She voiced her doubts, "What if it actually worked out..."

"The chances of that happening were close to none and you're aware of it..." Nora said, being realistic.

"Yeah, but what if...?"

"If you're going to agonise over every road you didn't take, you'll never be at peace, we make decisions every day, every moment- so now accept what you've done as the best thing and move on, if you ask me- you did the right thing." She said supportively.

Ella smiled a little and bumped their shoulders, "Of course you would say that, you're biased and you think I'm too good for him."

"Of course I think that, we don't even know who it is, and I'm so glad this suspicious stranger won't be kidnapping you to harvest your organs." Nora sighed heavily making her chuckle as they both stepped into the restaurant they walked all the way in the cold for.

The restaurant was at the far end of the campus but the food they offered was like no other, the menu was unique too with a variety of cuisines to choose from and most students didn't have the time and effort to make the journey since other cafeterias were convenient.

Jay and Dan were both busy unfortunately and since it was just the two of them Nora suggested they grab a bite here for once before the semester ended.

Ella's eyes scanned the fairly large space for a cozy little empty table just as Nora spoke next to her, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"Yeah, there's only one table at the far corner with two chairs." Ella nodded.

"No you idiot, It's Dan." Ella followed her friend's gaze and found Andrew and Dan at a table with food on their table, Dan's back was visible while Andrew was facing them but wasn't aware of their presence. They both seemed like they were in a world of their own, laughing and talking and looking a little too friendly.

Nora didn't hesitate from marching right up to them and Ella followed wordlessly, curious and concerned about what her friend was up to. Nora's eyes sharpened and narrowed on Dan whose smile froze and then vanished the moment he realised who was standing at his table.

"Is this why you were 'busy'?" Dan couldn't find words and decided to choke on his lunch while Ella wanted to facepalm.

Andrew on the other hand seemed calm, yet somewhat confused, "Nora right?" he asked, "I could tell right away, Dan was just talking about you."

"About how he blew me off to hang out with you?" Andrew's eyes widened at the accusation he heard in her words, he looked at Ella and smiled in mild panic asking for help.

"Hey guys!" She decided to step in and greeted like everything was hunky-dory, "Are we interrupting your date?" she asked jokingly.

Dan flushed up to his ears and quickly denied with a strong "No," at the same time Andrew said, "Yes." and then both guys looked at each other with surprise.

Nora looked between the two with a smirk, "There seems to be some confusion."

Ella grabbed Nora's arm firmly, "I'll leave you two to figure out your dilemma..." she said and pulled Nora to an empty table she first saw.

Nora sat in a chair opposite hers and looked at her wide eyes- jaw dropped. "When the hell did that happen?" She asked, jutting a thumb over her shoulder at Dan and Andrew's table.

Ella simply shrugged, but smiled as she was happy for her friends, "Don't ask me, I have no idea."

"This is so shocking..." When Nora bagan looking over her shoulder, she was hit with a thick menu booklet on the side of her head.

"Quit creeping them out, It's probably their first date."

"No doubt, and by the looks of it- he wasn't even aware" Nora grinned, "Dan is wearing his 'look at me I'm cute' shirt".

Ella smiled, glancing at the plain green shirt he wore that fit him perfectly, "No surprise there."

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After an eventful lunch, Ella walked to the library an hour earlier than her shift originally began. Eddy had once again begged her to help him with his shift since he had to go meet an old friend who was visiting him that day.

The wide library walls and tall pillars was a familiar sight for her, yet being there it was almost impossible to ignore the thought of her wistful romance that didn't take the course she hoped for.

The library was busier than usual, everyone was clearly trying to catch up on their syllabus and she half heartedly glared at those who whispered too loudly. Sitting in a rickety chair at her desk she tried to read one of her textbooks to no avail, she couldn't concentrate- her thoughts kept running away from her and ended up on unsavoury subjects that she found hard to avoid, especially there.

Ella looked out the door and noticed a familiar figure lingering in the entrance corridor, his presence would have been a welcome distraction if it wasn't for the distraught look on his face, his usual carefree face was marred with a frown. He entered the library with long determined strides and looked past the study area towards the far end of the vast hall at the bookshelves. He stepped towards them, unseeing anything or anyone else and every step brought him closer to her, Ella stood in her chair to catch his attention silently since he seemed to not have noticed her there.

When his anxious eyes ended up on her, he did a double take and all of a sudden took a rigid step back and then another, and another, Ella smiled quizzically at his absurd behaviour and saw someone behind him. Her eyes widened, she was about to speak up and warn him but it was too late he crashed into the guy walking in right behind him and the multiple objects Jay held in his hands fell to the floor while he stared at her almost in panic.

Everything happened too fast, yet for Ella it seemed to be happening in slow motion as she watched.

Instinctually he apologised to the guy he bumped into and then dropped to his knees to quickly collect his belongings scattered on the floor. Ella rounded her desk to help him with the task, "You're so clumsy." she teased as she went down to her knees only to freeze when she realised what she had picked up.

An envelope. And words in a hauntingly familiar penmanship that was burned into her memory.

Her breath caught in her throat to see him quickly pick up two pens and a brown diary she knew all too well. When he stood she stood with him, her thoughts whirling - trying to piece things together that fit a little too well. Jay didn't reach for the letter she held, instead he turned around to leave.

"Wait!" Ella stretched her hand in his direction, the one that held the envelope, she wanted to yell, but it came out as a whisper since her throat was closing up.

"Damn it!" He swore under his breath and met her eyes with a guilt stricken face, falteringly he spoke, "Read it please." he didn't stop even as he said that and kept walking away, widening the space between them with every step.

Before she could say another word, he turned back, began to jog and then he ran, soon disappearing from her sight, while she was suddenly unable to move and stayed rooted to her spot with her frozen feet.

Moments later when she could physically respond, her hands clenched around the envelope she held. Like a vice she couldn't let go of, she opened the envelope carefully- feeling her pulse strum in her ear and for the first time ever felt scared to read it.

Ella breathed audibly, wheezing like she felt suffocated, her knees felt weak as if she was going to drop any moment and her hands trembled as she slipped the letter out of the envelope. She straightened it out and began reading it, her eyes flying over the words faster than her mind could keep up.

12-Dec-2018

Dear Ella,

I will be on your side if you choose to incriminate me for causing ripples in your still mind. I have been disregarding your feelings and neglecting to understand your curious mind, selfishly putting my own sentiments above yours- I was impaired by my insecurities but you are not the one to be blamed and I realised my error a little too late.

I have not read words more sweeter and honest than your last letter and I will not stand still while you criticize yourself so harshly for something that's not your fault. You have not misread my words- but it is I who planted doubts in them for I myself was always doubtful.

I did not intend the tone of this letter to be so disconsolate but I must ask for your forgiveness with a heavy heart for all I've done.

I'm writing this- not knowing if I'll find the courage to send it to you, you wanted your letter to be the last and I wish to respect that so badly, but on my end there is still so much left to say- not write, say. And I can't think of another way to reach you.

The diary of our letters- it's as much yours as it is mine, come to the willow tree this afternoon at 5pm and you'll find it there.

If you decide not to come- I understand. The diary however will be waiting for you at the library shelf if you look for it later. Consider it a Christmas present.

Fond Regards.

Elliot.

Ella's eyes misted over with tears but she didn't let them fall. She found the wall clock on her left to see it was seven minutes past three in the afternoon, which meant there was One Hour and fifty-three minutes left for the clock to strike five.

There was no way she could wait that long.

Ella pulled out her phone and dialled Jay's number, it rang four times and just when she thought she was going to get his voice mail, he picked up.

"Jay?" She said, but there was silence on his end, "Where are you?"

He didn't answer, but she could hear him breathing heavily.

"Why did you run?" She asked and her voice cracked despite her wanting to stay strong.

With much hesitation, he spoke, "I don't know," sounding deep and breathy.

She thought for a moment and said, "Let's meet now, the same spot. Okay?"

He didn't say anything and the silence stretched; she hung up suddenly and prepared for her small meandering journey- knowing he would be there.

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