CHAPTER 32: Difficult Decisions

CHAPTER 32: Difficult Decisions

***************************************************

06-Dec-2018

Dear Ella,

You harassed some poor innocent fellow thinking it was me?

I'm sorry but I laughed a little too much at that- until the joke was almost worn out thoroughly and then I laughed some more when I recalled it wasn't a joke but reality.

My roommate thought I was having an aneurysm and rushed over to check on me only to leave after throwing around a few choice words when he figured I was only dying of laughter.

How can you make my day better even with your silly little errors? It's unreal.

I do remember the project partner you talked about, I'm surprised you transitioned from thinking he's "a piece of work" to "nice and sweet '' that's quite a bit of progress, not to mention- the date. It sounds pleasant.

I didn't realise shooting each other and hanging from ropes are now considered dating activities... Maybe it's been a while since I've dated and now I have reasons not to resume. Life-threatening reasons.

Your ideal date on the other hand seems really endearing- and even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted, I'm glad your first date was a lovely experience. It must have been cold, but I imagine it was beautiful too since so many places have given themselves a head start when it comes to Christmas decorations, not that I blame them, snow came early this season colouring everyone in the Christmas spirit.

I went out of campus to run an errand the day before and saw how every other place was ornamented with holiday lights. It reminded me how close this semester is to ending- that and the fact that Mom called me earlier today asking me if I was 'coming home for Christmas' I didn't have an answer for her- yet again and I felt immensely guilty.

She doesn't force me to ever do anything that I don't want to, she knows how I feel about going home but letting her down always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I remember how disastrous last year's Christmas was, me and my brother fought the entire time, it wasn't even intentional, In fact, I was fully prepared to get along and try to understand him, but he just wouldn't allow it, it took a toll on my mom and stepdad, and even though they didn't blame me, the entire time I just felt that I shouldn't have come.

Is it wrong of me to choose the easy way out this time?

I'm not naive enough to hope it'll be different this time. I know It'll be the same, I've accepted it and it's not going to change. I just think If I don't go at least they will have an opportunity to enjoy a nice holiday.

Tell me your plans for Christmas, I'm sure they won't be as dismal as mine or at least I hope... let me live vicariously through you.

What I implied about my ex I didn't mean to offend or provoke you in any way, I apologise for assuming. You're right, I don't know you any more than you share with me and I'm not at liberty to assume. I won't from now on.

I have a question for you, 'What is an appropriate Christmas present for a penfriend?'

Warm regards

Elliot.

Ella was sitting on her bed when she read that letter as the day was about to close for the night. She let herself fall backwards and laid across her bed- staring up at the plain white ceiling as she held the letter to her heart.

It was a short letter compared to others, maybe he didn't have much more to say or his mother calling him to visit home was conflicting, but even though it was short it was just as lovely.

After reading the last line a smile spread across Ella's face and she thought how easy it was for him to make or break her mood and he didn't even seem to know.

Ella was aware that she was lying to herself about her feelings and about how they have changed but admitting it was scarier and she didn't feel prepared for what that meant.

She didn't know what he looked like and somehow it didn't even matter. He was sweet, considerate, honest, witty, flawed enough to not feel like he was an illusion, resentful and selfish at times too and very real- but he was unapproachable out of those letters.

She sighed and closed her eyes.

Even though there were a lot of things he refused to share, he was still understanding of her and liked her for who she was and a besotted piece of her heart clung to that hope, wishing for things to resolve amicably.

**************************************************************

Cameron's house was a decent sized three-bedroom condo, he had moved there a few years ago since his publishing and editorial team was in the city, but it was clear how scarcely he used his own space.

Ella imagined he mostly spent all his time in his home-office typing away his days and nights like a maniac.

She was at his place because apparently, her brother wanted her to meet Shaelyn and spend some time with him. She didn't even know how he managed to persuade her into being the third wheel, but it was too late to regret the decision now, albeit she regretted it thoroughly even after she wore her most comfortable grey dress for the dinner.

Ella stared at every immaculate surface, at perfectly set furniture and thought if it wasn't for his housekeeper the place would look like a dump that has seen a whirlwind, but there was one thing the Carter siblings were truly proud of- it was their ability to cook amazing food.

Ella stood in her brother's well-equipped kitchen which smelled amazing and was probably making his neighbours envious with the waffling delicious aroma.

"Are you trying to hide your flaws behind your awesome cooking?" she asked as she gathered cutlery to set the table while Camron opened the oven just as the timer went off.

Camron picked up the tray of lasagna with his oven mitts and set it aside to cool before shooting her a brief wide smile, "Is it that obvious?"

Ella nodded, "Painfully so."

He simply shrugged, looking like a fashion catalogue model in his navy blue fitted dress shirt and grey trousers. "By the time she realises I'm boring and my idea of fun is doing research for my next book, it'll be too late cause she'll be addicted to my cooking." he happily declared,

Ella looked at him blankly, sometimes it was hard to say if he was joking or not, she didn't ask for clarification- reckoning it was better if she didn't know.

"That reminds me..." Cameron spoke, "Is there someone in your life or someone you like?" He enquired bluntly, Ella immediately blushed and gave herself away.

"W-why are you suddenly asking me that?" She looked down at a random porcelain tile and studied it with intense concentration.

"It's not sudden, I've been meaning to ask you for a while now- a few days ago I was trying to call you but I kept getting the voicemail so instead I called Nora and she told me you were out on a date," he explained.

"Oh, that..." she mumbled and swore at her best friend for forgetting to inform her about this specific exchange, "It was nothing."

"Nothing?" He pulled the oven mitts off his hands and set them aside before turning to fully face her, "you went out with him- that can't be nothing! What's his name, what's he like- respectful, polite, charming?"

"His name is Neo, and it was just one date, nothing more..." She insisted.

"Why not?" He frowned.

"Be-because..." she was lost for words, "I realised I like someone else." the moment she said it out loud her heart was trying to beat out of her chest.

"Someone else? Who?" He asked, sounding intrigued.

"He's a friend..." She spoke hesitantly, "We talk regularly- he's really nice- smart, understanding, funny."

"And does he- feel the same?" Cam asked and Ella felt like her rapidly beating heart was about to stop all of a sudden.

"I don't know." She confessed, "He's really friendly and sometimes he says things- compliments mostly, that makes me question his intentions- but he probably doesn't mean anything deeper than what he says, but his words are confusing- I have a hard time reading him."

"So you decided not to go out with someone else, because of this guy?" he asked.

"My feelings are already invested in him, it doesn't feel right to date someone else." She said quietly.

"If you're sure." Her brother shrugged, feeling confused with all the decisions she was making.

"I'm not really." She admitted.

Cam regarded her carefully, "You don't need me to tell you what this reminds me of, do you, Ell?"

His implication of her past and the wasted time struck her with an unexpectedly sharp force, "Can we not talk about that?" She deflected.

"But that won't change or solve anything, he sounds like a good friend and nothing more and you need to ask yourself if he's the guy you wish to be with if he can reciprocate your feelings- there's no forward without it." Ella processed his words and paled at the thought that she didn't know the answers to any of his questions. "And Ell, if you want there to be something more you have to make yourself vulnerable and confess what you feel, put yourself out there- or it's gonna head nowhere."

"It most likely will lead nowhere even with all that..." She mumbled softly, uncertainly.

"Are you sure about that? Ella, you're taking away his choice in the matter by deciding it for yourself and what if you're wrong?" She didn't have an answer to that, so she stayed quiet. "On the other hand if you really think it'll lead nowhere...Then you should ask yourself if you're wasting your time and forfeiting your emotional needs?"

"I'll think about it..." That was all she could say, and then attempted to change the subject, "Are you going to be able to take time off for Christmas?"

Cameron sighed, and then answered, "A lot of promotional events are scheduled, but I'll try."

"It's been a while since we visited home, dad complains about it every time he calls." She said to him and he nodded as he knew all about it.

"True. I'll never hear the end of it if I just write him a card, and no matter how nice the words are they would be a poor substitute for a visit that is long overdue." He said with sombre expressions.

"Why so?" Ella teased, "I thought you were a proud wordsmith?"

Camron smiled reluctantly, "Words are nothing if not backed by actions, Ell, words can raise expectations and lead to disappointment, what we do on the other hand is reassuring."

Ella suddenly felt quite defensive, "It's not nothing, and it only leads to disappointment when expectations aren't met."

"Which realistically happens a little too frequently doesn't it?" He asked as he checked the fridge for ice and missed the intense frown on his sister's face."Though I can't scorn words too much- they are my tools for bread and butter and I admit to exploiting them, but I'm careful about it as I can be, as for expectations- they are often too high to have met anyway."

"That's not always true, we are aware of reality and setting unachievable expectations is just foolish, it's like chasing a fantasy" She reasoned.

Cam faced her and raised an eyebrow at her meaningfully- reminding her of her past errors, "Doesn't mean it won't happen. It's very true to life, isn't it? We don't give people a chance because they don't measure up to the bar we set in our minds, in our own way we are all chasing a fantasy."

Ella felt staggered with the reminder of her mistakes, the prickle of unease didn't seem to be subsiding anytime soon since her brother for once looked determined to poke at her wounds.

"Cam, what are you trying to say?" Her voice was strong as her gaze sharpened meaningfully.

He only smiled, reading her like an open book, "I've said all I wanted to..." The doorbell rang loudly around them, almost startling her, "I'll get the door" He said with an amused smile and slipped out of the room.

Ella stayed there for a moment, gathering her scattered mind until she could hear voices from outside.

"I'm sorry I'm late...the meeting ran longer than expected." a sweet feminine voice said.

"I had half a mind to eat despondently with my sister, I thought you stood me up." Cameron's teasing voice said, inciting a smile.

"I would never," she replied. "I got us some wine, wait is Ella old enough to drink?"

"I don't think she is-..." Camron's reply was cut short when Ella emerged out of her hiding and looked at the couple standing close, holding hands.

"You're asking the wrong person Shaelyn, according to him I'll never be old enough to drink." She joked smiling at Shaelyn who stared back and came forward to give her a warm hug. She was just as Ella remembered, almost as tall as her brother, olive-brown eyes, dark long hair, but now she looked a lot more sophisticated in her heels, fitted violet dress with an air of comfort and natural confidence.

"Oh my god, you've grown so much...you're in college right, which year?" Shaelyn said as she looked at Ella closely.

"Second year, and I can't wait to be done with it," Ella complained.

"Don't complain, you're living your life now...you'll miss it once it's gone," Sahelyn said to her.

"As much as I like the entrance of my house, we should get to the dinner table, the food is getting cold," Camron interrupted as he gently pulled them inside with a wine bottle in one hand which he wound around Shaelyn and grabbed his sister's hand with other.

"It smells delicious. Who cooked?"

**********************************************************************

As Ella walked the short distance to her apartment from the bus stop, she couldn't shake the conversation she had with her brother before the arrival of Shaelyn. The night was lighthearted and fun after she came but his words remained in her mind like a storm surge that stays long after a hurricane to drown everything within.

Was she making the same mistake again?

Putting her life on hold for someone who probably felt less than nothing for her.

It was detrimental she realised for her mental wellbeing, the constant searching around in curiosity was exhausting. Her fascination could turn into a fixation and she had to stop the transition from happening. Being self-aware was a boon and a curse.

She knew she wasn't happy, that she couldn't settle for what she had anymore... but she couldn't ask for anything more either.

Ella realised that despite his warnings she had filled a lot of blank spaces about him with bright colours that in reality might not be as bright as she envisions. She understood how emotionally unhealthy her one-sided feelings were and made a mature decision.

When she reached her room it was already late, the moon was shining bright in the sky while the city slept under a blanket of comfort, the swirling darkness seem to surround her like shadows, twisting under a gloom of night's obscurity, feeling at home and congruent with her reluctant umbrage.

Ella laid on her bed, her eyes wide open looking up at her familiar ceiling, suddenly she sat up, then stood to walk before laying down on the bed again- restless and unsure. Her dark hair fanned on the pillow as she closed her eyes and took deep breaths in order to force herself into a slumber...in vain. Sleep evaded her astutely.

Moments later she found herself sitting at her desk with pen and paper in hand, crickets chirped softly outside her window, her ticking wall clock was louder than ever while she stared down at the blank page under the light of a single chrome lamp.

She penned her thoughts with much deliberation- everything she worried over, second-guessed and contemplated was finally laid down on paper to be sent as a letter.

Ella didn't send it right away, she slept on it, thinking that probably she was being too rash, too spontaneous and would not feel the same after some time has passed, but the next morning when she reached for the letter again in the bottom drawer of her desk to read and reconsider, she found all her sentiments to be still intact.

Some word choices she doubted however and decided to correct them immediately.

She reached for another paper and re-wrote the letter with careful consideration, words measured, substituted and deftly edited.

Ella got ready for her day with little enthusiasm, and before leaving her house she read the final letter again with mild satisfaction that everything was clear and concise and that it conveyed the message efficiently with fewer doubts only to see the last few words she wrote blur before her teary eyes.

The consequence of what she was about to do was not lost on her and it pained her to walk every step she took towards the library. She has read and rewritten the letter so many times, it practically played in her mind's eye despite her evasion as she left the letter in its usual spot, snugly between two intimate books.

09-Dec-2018

Dearest Elliot,

It bothers me to know your Christmas will be so disheartening, I hope every Christmas that follows will make up for this one. I'll only offer my sympathies without any suggestions for I'm sure you've already been through your options and chosen the best one.

I wish I could write something lighthearted that would bring you delight, something humorous to make you laugh, but I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you with this letter.

This exchange of thoughts with you started with innocent intentions of friendship but those intentions have changed now, they are no longer just that and I don't want to lie to you or mislead you. You say I will be disappointed when I find out who you are, probably distance myself from you and I couldn't understand that...but now I do. You said we set ourselves up for disappointment, you're wrong Elliot, we set ourselves up for hurt, or at least I did.

These letters have turned into something more, something I refused to name for the longest time, something I'm still afraid to acknowledge... but I have to. It wasn't my intention to send you love letters but they gradually morphed into pieces of paper that carried more than just platonic affection.

It was so easy to give you advice back then- tell you to post those letters in your diary, but now that I'm here, it terrifies me to send this letter your way, I finally understand you. Finally.

They say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but with the distance you've created, the shade of bitterness I feel is only getting darker and with every moment, every hour, every day that feeling gets reestablished stronger than ever.

I don't want to resent you, but I fear I will if I continue to pretend that your prerequisite is something I conform with, I did in the beginning, but it's been a few months since our correspondence began and my feelings have altered.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been the same without the veil of anonymity between us, perhaps I was able to be so transparent because of this invisibility your presence possesses- the very quality I always complain about.

It probably was a blessing in disguise, one that I failed to understand- maybe right now I'd be picking my words more delicately to influence or impress you in a certain way rather than being so carefree with the sway of my thoughts and expressions.

I confuse myself a great deal, it's tiring to be in my mind- to untangle and navigate these constantly contradicting ideas that reside there.

I want to talk to you till I'm all out of words and then some- but I'm afraid our journey must end here. I respected your anonymity, now I ask and hope that you would accept this wish of mine. My feelings are my own. I don't hold you accountable for them, I know you never meant any harm but I can't continue this any further- I would be bruising my wounded heart if I choose not to end this here.

I must admit, at times I felt my feelings were not one-sided with the way you word your letters dipped in such affection and concern- but there's a possibility I misread your implications and I apologize for putting you in an uncomfortable position if it is the case.

If at all you feel something for me, anything.... Well then—the ball is in your court, but if that isn't the case then... let's stop.

This has stretched long enough... Don't you think so too?

A part of me is relieved I never really met you, I don't know if it's easier this way or more difficult but I would like to believe it's for the better.

You asked me what I want for Christmas; It's nothing that you haven't already given- all your letters I'll consider them my Christmas present and cherish them.

If nothing is to come from this exchange then....I don't expect a response to this letter, let this be the last letter between us, let this correspondence end on good terms and accept my sincere goodbye. I wish you a happy future.

Love,

Ella

***************************************************************

Okay.... Lay it here...

What are your thoughts?

Do you think she made a good decision?

I hope you're enjoying this story.

Do vote and comment before moving to the next chapter.

Thanks for reading.