CHAPTER 24: Consequences

CHAPTER 24: Consequences

*******************************************************************

It was as if time stopped as Ella tried to adhere the meaning of what she had just found out. The cold that she didn't notice before was now seeping under her clothes, her heartbeat was loud, louder than her breath they echoed within her body which seemed like it was but an empty pitcher with nothing on the inside.

She still held the letter in her hands, it was thick and heavy and the only thing left to do now was to read it as she found herself a seat. She blinked the haziness away and forced herself to focus, slowly her eyes lowered again and traced the words.

01-Nov-2018

Dear Ella,

You are right. I know who you are. I have not been honest with you.

I've known since I wrote to you that very first letter. I know you enough to hear your dulcet voice in my head when I read your letters.

I suppose truth just has a way of revealing itself.

Today my hand shakes and the courage I gathered over the last few days seemed to have dissipated as I write this. I composed a letter late into the dark hours of the sleepless night as my mind strung words together like beads on a fragile thread, storing them in the deep recesses of my mind only to lose them entirely like a drop in an ocean.

I thought postponing this would somehow give me more time to prepare, but that wasn't easy, evidently, I haven't found any amicable words and I dread writing anything further, but it's something I must do- I must explain.

The day I lost my journal- to be honest, I had it with me because I was thinking of destroying it. Even though it felt better and in a way freeing to use it as a means of expression, it was also scary to write about my secrets and insecurities and all my mundane thoughts where someone can quite easily find them and have access to everything I wasn't ready to give.

Those secrets- they were meant to be earned and someone finding them without my consent was deeply disturbing. I was mad at myself when I realised I had lost it. I was going out of my mind with worry over what it could lead to.

And then I saw you.

You were sitting there on the stairs near the theatre building under the canopy, with that way too familiar journal open in your lap. You had a smile on your face as you snooped through the snippets I've written in a moment of weakness like it was no big deal.

That journal was supposed to be a safe space, a private sanctuary...but it wasn't that anymore, it was intruded and trespassed upon by you.

All my fears were coming true.

I felt utterly helpless and angry, standing there watching you with no courage in me to demand back what was rightfully mine. Instead, I remember feeling relieved that I never wrote my name or any specifics in there. I was apprehensive about such things because even though I had written that journal I didn't want it to be linked with me so directly, maybe it was a way for me to protect myself.

I was not out to find you, there were no such plans or ministrations involved, I just happened to find you sitting there, back then I had no idea who you were, the only point of my interest was that journal in your hands and I wanted it back, so finding you in a distracted moment, I retrieved the journal.

This might all sound like an evil villain relaying his master plans to you, but believe me, Ella my intentions were never bad, I just wanted back what was mine and I really thought that's where it'll all end.

I did not expect to find your letters in the journal. I was confused at first but then I read your letters and understood you weren't just taking little pieces of me and holding them hostage, you were sharing pieces of yourself too. There was no judgement in your voice, you empathised, tried to understand and even tried to help me and that made me view you differently.

The fact that you read my journal annoyed me but I really couldn't be mad at you because you knowing all those things about me opened this door for me that I thought should forever remain closed.

The journal and those letters were the relics of a time when I was experiencing hardships, but after venting in that journal I was in a therapeutic way over it, I had not intended to revisit that time in my life even if because of it I had changed and became who I am today. It was still a reflection of me when I was not in a great headspace and you writing all those letters back made me relive what I didn't want to and so that made me livid.

But I also understood that I was now able to rise above those thoughts and feelings ( which at that time seemed like the end of the world) but I couldn't empathise with myself because I am a different person now, my thinking, behaviour and a lot of my problems had changed.

But there was something about the way you- a complete stranger, understood the old me that made me think 'Maybe I'm not really over it.' I had just pushed it under, somewhere deep down and lied to myself that I'm fine, but really I was anything but, and I was still the same old me in a way- I was still scared of confrontation.

And you saw that. Your words got to me, they hit the nail on the head a few times, but I was too angry to accept it because it was you who brought me right back to the spot I had run from all those months ago and because it was painful to look at, agonising to revisit.

My anger eventually melted away- not completely but enough that I decided to write to you and as we began exchanging letters I started seeing you in a different light, you fascinated me, gradually I felt I could be emotionally open with you, and thought that you wouldn't judge and you didn't.

Your words spoke of friendship and every picture you painted with them spoke of trust that was beyond my comprehension and I doubted whether I am deserving of the trust you have so generously imparted upon me.

All the things that I never talked about to anyone, my heart and mind wanted to pour it all out, to let you know because you genuinely cared and even though you couldn't help for most cases you still tried to understand or just heard me out because that mattered a great deal.

I never realised how liberating it could feel to talk about everything I didn't want to, until you, and somehow the truth that I know you for real became a secret even though I didn't mean for it to be.

I am deeply sorry for making you wait for this letter, foolishly I thought I could escape giving you an answer that way, but my heart fills with guilt every time I lead you to believe something that is not true.

I want to be honest now and I admit it's a selfish sentiment. I can't shoulder any more guilt than I already do. I know you, I've met you, talked to you and you know me too, not just through these letters, but in person.

I apologize for concealing the truth but I didn't want to lose what we have, but there was no winning with this, was there? Have I lost your confidence, Ella?

Please say we can move past this, anything otherwise would wreck me.

Earnestly,

Elliot"

**************************************************

Ella walked back home with much less enthusiasm, she took twice as long to walk back the same distance, weighed down by speculations in her mind.

She now had two letters with her, as she decided not to leave her own behind. It would make no sense even if she did and now her sentiments have changed in light of new revelations...she no longer meant everything that she wrote in her letter.

She was now angry and frustrated instead of apologetic as she stepped through the front door and walked towards her room barely glancing at Nora who was sitting at the counter with her cup of coffee.

"Where did you go?" She asked.

"To the library," Ella said staring blankly at the wooden floor, Nora was giving her a teasing smirk but she didn't look up to catch it.

"Um...is that breakfast burrito for me?" Nora asked, pointing at the plate that sat there with a glass lid on top.

"Yeah, I made some extra." She answered automatically as she neared her door.

"Thanks!" she heard her roommate say just before she closed the door and sat down on the bed, still wearing her jacket and shoes.

There was too much going on in her mind as she thought about what she had just found out. She was feeling too much of too many emotions, all in such quick succession that they blended with one another, virtually inseparable.

So they knew each other and all this while she was thinking he's some stranger that she would hardly recognise....

This wasn't fair. He said he knew her from the very beginning but after all this time he couldn't tell her that, all those letters all the stupid irrelevant things they talked about, he couldn't find a moment to slip in a 'but hey Ella I know you'.

She understood his wish for remaining anonymous but it wasn't even that anymore, it wasn't about him and she had the right to know and the fact that he kept it from her and led her to believe that he didn't know her seemed like a betrayal. When he said he wanted things to be anonymous she had automatically believed the privilege extended both ways.

Apparently, she was wrong.

Ella mentally went through everyone that she had recently befriended and she realised she wasn't as antisocial as she thought she was. All the friends she made were pretty much recent and she could hardly categorize them into pre-journal and post-journal timelines because the lines in the recent past were too hazy and placed so close together it was practically indistinguishable.

The names of all the people she knew formed a long list and even after she cancelled all the girls the list was still pretty long. She knew what she had to do, she had to figure out who he was without him finding out. Ella had to find him and then give him a good scolding for everything he's done. She'll probably forgive him eventually after he begged and apologised but not before he got a piece of her mind.

Her mind was spiralling down a path full of doubts and mistrust and to stop that she forced herself into a distraction and got to work on something to avert the direction of her thoughts, she removed her jacket and shoes and got comfortable at her desk, preparing to work on some college assignment that was due in a few days.

Two hours later when Ella resurfaced to take a break she checked her mails to see an email from her brother in the inbox. She clicked on the subjectless mail to find an attachment with a pdf of his short stories. She smiled excitedly and decided to give it a read, she couldn't contain her curiosity any longer and it was best to get it out of the way. Her work could maybe wait for a little, she was running out of ideas anyway...maybe this would spark inspiration.

Soon she was at the edge of her seat, biting her nails in anxiety as she forgot all about her own problems and worried over the well being of the main character in the story when suddenly her phone rang. She would have ignored it entirely if it wasn't for Cameron's name flashing up at her through the screen.

"If you're going to kill Dorian in this story, I'll kill you." She threatened the moment she answered the call.

"So you're finally reading that one huh..." Was his matter of fact reply. "But that's not important right now, I need to talk to you about something else."

"Hang up, I need to get back to the story," Ella said flatly, her curiosity was more important and she was dying to know what would happen next.

"Would you rather I show up at your college?" He asked simply and she paused just as she was about to end the call.

Pressing the phone closer to her ear she said, "Don't even think about it Cam, I don't want to deal with your fans, god knows I meet them enough even without you around."

"Then I suggest you listen to me..." He told her.

She frowned and complained, "But Dorian is about to walk into a burning villa!"

"I met Shailene Yesterday." He said and Ella instantly stopped complaining and became serious.

"Your first love Shailene, the 'I'll die-without-her' Shailene?" She asked.

"Do you have to put it that way, I'm pretty sure I wasn't that dramatic," Camron grumbled on the other end.

"Don't even fight me on this one bro, I'm literally quoting you right now," Ella said smugly. "So what happened, how did you meet her?"

"She came to see me at a fan meet, she had a copy of my book with her, she made me sign it and gushed over how much she liked it." Cameron sighed, "She still looked so beautiful, probably more."

"We are slipping into too much information territory now..." Ella warned and he chuckled.

"It's just...I don't know what I should do." He confessed, "She was sweet. We clicked instantly and then went out for a coffee. She is a fan of my work, she said and had bought every book that's been published. She implied that she is single and that she's in town working as an architect."

"Wow..." Ella processed the information as Cameron breathed out deeply. "She wants you to ask her out huh?"

"I don't even know if I should make a move, she did leave her phone number but it feels like I shouldn't, but then again what if..." he trailed off and became silent grappling with his own thoughts.

Ella broke him right out of his thoughts with a mocking remark "Oh, I'm so sad, so many women love me... "

Cameron chuckled, and said, "you don't understand it's hard for me to date..."

"And why is that so hard? Half the population on Goodreads go gaga over you, I'm sure you don't even have to lift a finger to make them fall for you, I've seen beautiful women trying to flirt with you all the time but you don't humour them. I'm sure Shailene is a better option than any of them because you actually like her..." Ella said with an eye roll he couldn't see.

Cameron huffed, "It's not that, Shailene is my fan, she's read my books and she loves them."

Ella frowned, "Isn't that a good thing?"

Cameron accepted and said, "It is and I really like her."

Ella said flatly "I don't understand the problem."

Cameron thought about how to say what he wanted to, "It's that I-... I sometimes feel the women I date want me to be as interesting as they find my stories, and in real life, I'm not. I'm nowhere near like the characters I create and I fear they expect that. They date me for my fame and for a fantasy, but I'm too real...and eventually get disappointed and leave..."

Ella rolled her eyes and leaned back on her chair looking up at the ceiling, "The only solution I see is, you should find a non-reader who has no idea who you are and date them."

"Ew, non-reader, I'll rather stay single forever." She could just imagine Cameron scrunching his nose in disapproval and laughed at his predicament.

"Seriously, Cam, you don't need me to tell you that you are very interesting, and even though your life is not a roller coaster-like one of your characters, you are real, and if a woman makes you feel like you're not, like you're lesser than the stories you create, then let her go, you deserve someone better than someone whose dating you for your fame anyway." Ella sighed as she imparted some wisdom, but couldn't help teasing him. "Sure maybe you're not as handsome as Maddox, not as witty as Liana, not as charming as Damian, not as funny as Orion and you're not even as intelligent as Reynard, but you're not so bad."

Cameron pouted which could be practically heard through the phone when he spoke "Not helping Ell."

"The point is, you don't have to live up to your words, you are your own person and you're quite amazing and if she can't see that then you're better off." She repeated.

A silence followed, and then Cameron said, "I would hug you right now if you were here, but since you're not, imagine I'm giving you a very tight hug."

Ella pretended to be annoyed, "Oh my god I'm suffocating let go!" and he laughed. "Now go call her, profess your love to her yada yada yada" She told him firmly.

"I'm not gonna profess my love geez..."

"I don't want the details, do what you have to...she already seems smitten with you anyway. I'm hanging up now gotta find out how Dorian is gonna figure out this pyre." She said and then true to her word hung up on him and got back to the story.

********************************************************************

What do you think of this chapter?

if you have any questions, please leave them in the comments.

Thanks for reading.