CHAPTER 9: Bleak Understanding

CHAPTER 9: Bleak Understanding

*************************

"-Elliot"

Her blood ran cold and she froze staring at the name and the familiar handwriting that has been burned into her memory. She couldn't believe it.

Ella reached for the note, plucked it, holding the paper in her hands felt all the more real.

So that means... He-he has it? He somehow got it back? But- how?

It wasn't making any sense. A minute or a few passed as Ella stood there analysing the situation as a tiny bit of hope blossomed in her heart, she finally knew what to do. Her heart hammered and her hand shook as she pulled out her stack of sticky notes from her bag and wrote another note with trembling fingers.

Elliot,

Return the damn journal.

She faltered. Was this going to work? She thought about scratching out the message, but pause, instead she added...

At least return my letters.

They better be next to 'the book' before this weekend (14 Sept 2018).

-Annie

This better work! This has to work!

There were three objectives of this plan: (1) Force him to take notice. (2) Make him reveal himself. (3) If possible, take back the letters she wrote. If she could prompt him to take even a small action, this would be considered a success.

Reading the note again, she thought her words were too aggressive, but before she started second-guessing her thoughts, she decided to stick with them. She couldn't look weak or hesitant in front of him, if anything she wanted him to think she was strong.

But wasn't this coming off as too strong? A part of her brain wondered. It was bad enough that she was demanding something back that wasn't even originally her own. Doing it this way would probably scare him to never reveal himself.

But she wasn't asking for everything, she just wanted back that small piece of herself that was now part of the diary, and maybe friendship... if possible? She reasoned to herself.

While writing those letters, in the moment they felt right...more than right, but now thinking back she couldn't have made a bigger blunder. She cringed internally and tried to push away the embarrassment she was feeling.

Ella couldn't imagine taking such measures just to meet someone, but these were special circumstances. She was not only curious but also intrigued.

The diary was the only means she had to get in touch with whoever this "Elliot" was and now that the journal was gone she felt rather lost... hopeless in a way.

She had to convince herself that she wasn't doing this out of some silly admiration or glorification... not at all. His mystery had led to her mind romanticizing him to an unrealistic degree and she just wanted to meet him so that she could reel in her mind back to reality and convince herself how uninteresting he really was.

Nothing more.

Easier said than done, she was a slave to her mind which time and again was conjuring up a handsome stranger with a smile that would melt hearts and something unrealistically cliche like that. She just had to confirm that he was nothing like what she was imagining, he was most definitely weird and way too old and with that knowledge, all will be good in the world.

The balance of the universe would be restored.

And just like that...One whole day passed with no development on the diary issue. She was back in front of the notice board, glaring at the sticky note with annoyance.

Why wasn't this working?

This whole thing was a long shot, but she clung to it because that's all she had. She checked the corner of the library that stored books of the epistolary genre 'Bernard Shaw & Mrs Patrick Campbell: Their Correspondence.' was still where it was, undisturbed with a thick layer of dust, and nothing was out of place, no new book was to be seen anywhere near it.

And just like that...another restless day passed.

She was in the library, standing under a noisy rotating ceiling fan and staring at a very familiar shelf of books that had not a millimetre of change to be noticed. She almost believed the subconscious that was telling her it was all a lie, a fluke her mind conjured up just because her life was so unhappening. Of course, she expected it, so it didn't come as a huge disappointment, but whatever she was feeling was far from elation. She had never been more sad for being absolutely right.

A bleak understanding settled like a thick fog over and around Ella. She was never going to find him. There was no response even after all the efforts she had taken and even if the odds were clearly not in her favour she comforted herself with the fact that she tried her best.

Disappointment filled her, making her question all that she's done so far.

To gain some control over her thoughts, Ella selected a chair in the library, pulled out some books from her bag and started working on a neglected assignment that was due Monday.

Her friends had asked her to hang out at Jay's apartment that evening and she was determined to put everything behind and focus on her college life because even though it sucked right now, she knew she was gonna miss it once it's gone.

She looked up various research articles as she started taking notes in her notepad, meanwhile, the library slowly filled up with students trickling in, unbeknownst to a very focused Ella.

Her delicate focus however was shattered when she heard a repeated tap-tap-tapping of a pen on the tabletop. It wasn't too loud but was loud enough to break the bubble of her concentration. She tried to ignore it but after a few minutes found herself grinding her teeth in frustration.

She looked up to the hand that held that innocent pen and found it attached to a body of a young guy who seemed oblivious to the fact that he was driving Ella up a wall as he sat just opposite of her. He looked older, maybe a third or fourth-year student, she guessed.

He had dark-blue headphones popped upon his head that were mostly hidden with his messily styled dark hair while he chewed gum as he looked down at his books and busied himself with what looked like an assignment he was forced to complete, like all other university students.

She could never focus on work while listening to music, it was just too hard for her to focus on any one of it, she envied this casual multitasking that many people just seemed to be so natural at.

Ella thought if she just glared at him long enough, he would get the message and stop the annoying tap-tap-tap of the pen he so compulsively pursued, but after some very ineffective moments passed, she had to resort to a physical act which was pretty much equivalent to brute force in Ella's perspective.

She reached out and grabbed the back of his pen with a deliberate fist, stopping the next 'tap' that was bound to follow. The guy looked up at her startled, his wide forest green eyes were confused and his perfectly sharp jaw was locked like he wanted to speak but didn't know what he should be saying.

Ella breathed and tried to be polite even though she was annoyed. "Can you not tap your pen against the table, it's very distracting." She said unsmilingly.

His brows creased into a frown and he slowly moved his headphones away from his ears and made them rest around the back of his neck, "sorry what?"

"I said, could you not tap your pen against the tabletop, it's very distracting." She repeated as she tried not to glare.

He blinked. "Oh, sorry... I wasn't aware I was doing that." He said sheepishly in his deep voice as she unhanded his pen and they both returned to their respective work.

Silence settled again. But this peace lasted only so long, and this time it was the musical beats that leaked from his headphones as he listened to his music at a volume that would make most ears bleed. The rock music was so loud, she could try and guess the song if she wanted to.

Ella was clearly having a bad day and all these little things weren't helping, there was only so much she could take before she snapped. She waved her hand in front of his face making him look up at her, yet again with a perplexed gaze. "What now?"

She tried not to roll her eyes and said, "Can you lower the volume of your music, I can hear whatever upbeat songs you are listening to and right now I'm not exactly in a clubbing mood."

He smirked, a twinkle appeared in his eyes that wasn't there before. "Right, sure." He sounded slightly annoyed and switched off his songs and then added, "Am I breathing too loud for your liking, should I stop that too?"

"I'd tell you to go ahead if I wouldn't get arrested for murder," Ella said offhandedly, looking down at her books, and instantly regretting it as she realised how rude the joke was. Just because she was having a bad day doesn't mean she needs to be uncivil.

"Ouch." He said, just as she looked up to take back what she had said, but found humour in his eyes instead of anger. "I was about to help you out with a source for your assignment but now I don't feel so inclined."

"I didn't mean it like that, that was rude of me." Ella mumbled embarrassed as she looked down at the title of her essay that he was reading upside down, 'Interpersonal communication in the age of virtual reality'. "Mr Allen's class right?" She nodded, "I thought so...he always assigns such simplistic topics, but that's what makes it so difficult."

Ella understood what he meant, simple topics have generic answers but that's not what was expected of them. In such cases, she had to work harder to come up with a unique point of view. "You're majoring in communications too?" She asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

He shook his head and corrected her, "I'm majoring in English language and literature with a Communications minor."

"Right. Sounds interesting." She mumbled.

"Well...I'll try not to breathe too loud and let you get back to your work."

She hesitated and then said, "I'm sorry about that joke, it was in bad taste."

He smiled a very cute smile as if to say 'apology accepted' and then propped his headphones back on and was lost to the world of rock music.

She stared at him a moment. So he wasn't gonna help her out? She debated whether she should ask about that source he mentioned... but in the end, she decided not to and forced herself back to work.

Another hour passed with barely any progress in her essay, she looked through so many articles and research literature but still couldn't find something unique to latch on to. She took notes, knowing she wasn't gonna use much of it in the final output.

When the strange guy sitting in front of her started packing away his books, panic suddenly kicked in but she didn't know what to do with it. He pushed his chair away and stood up to leave and Ella couldn't even tell him to stop, he owed her nothing.

He took a step away to leave, but stopped and slid a piece of paper towards her and winked playfully before walking away. She stared at his back as his tall form disappeared out the library door and then down at the piece of folded white paper, the only thing left there that indicated his presence.

Ella wondered what it was about... and eventually, curiosity got the best of her.

She hesitantly reached for the paper and pulled it towards her, held between her slender fingers, she played with the closed edges but then decided to see what it was.

She slowly opened it to find a small message enclosed...it was a book title and a couple of websites about virtual communication, followed by the words, "hope this will help. You're welcome." and he had drawn a tiny cheerful smiley face at the end which amused her and made her crack a smile.

Maybe Uni wasn't too bad after all.

********************************************

"Jay, did you go grocery shopping in... I don't know, the last decade?" Nora said she almost sounded mad after peeping into his fridge which only held bottled water, some ketchup, of course, some beer cans and what looked like fruit juice that was past its expiration date.

"Dude, how can you be so unprepared for an apocalypse?" Daniel joked as he stood leaning over the back of a chair near the kitchen counter.

"I don't keep my emergency apocalyptic supply kit in my fridge, joke's on you," Jay replied and then turned to Nora and sheepishly suggested. "We can just order in..."

"Geez, I wondered what we were gonna do," Nora said sarcastically as she pulled out her phone.

Ella just watched her friends from the couch which she was trying to melt into. The exhaustion from the day had caught up with her and she could hardly keep her eyes open, she didn't fight it. It was only around 8 pm, and Ella thought she was a disgrace for nocturnal, overworking college students everywhere.

She wanted to cancel her plans and sleep in but Nora dragged her here despite all her complaints and protestations.

For their group Jay's apartment was kinda the norm for those not-so-happening Saturday evenings, his place was decent sized and more importantly his roommate Patrick didn't mind his friends hanging out over at his place, but that could be because the guy was never home.

Jay joined Ella on the couch and gently poked her face to get her to talk to him, she turned to look at him but didn't even gather the energy to glare in his general direction.

"Why are you so tired tonight?" He asked with a hint of genuine concern at her lack of reaction.

"Spent the entire day in a stiff library chair doing all my assignments," Ella said simply.

"Typical boring college weekend sounds legit," Jay said. "But why do I feel like there's more?"

"It's just, I just- the diary..." Ella said and then changed her mind mid-sentence, "I don't wanna talk about it."

Jay looked at her for a few moments and then nodded, "Then don't..." He didn't press, "let's talk about something else... Do you have work tomorrow?"

"No...I'll have tomorrow to myself....how was your day?" Ella mumbled.

"Nothing super...forgot to go grocery shopping, did my laundry, and unlike you, I did not have the forethought of completing all my assignments so I guess that's gonna be on my schedule for tomorrow." He listed everything in a sing-song tone.

"You've got an interesting day ahead, sounds legit." She repeated his words and then yawned. "Sorry, might fall asleep on you, I couldn't last night."

"It's okay, you can fall asleep on me anytime. I've been told I'm quite comfortable as a pillow." He said Ella could practically hear the amusement in his words since her eyes were half-closed.

"Says who?" She humoured him as she opened her sleepy eyes to look at his smiley face.

"My mom of course." He replied. "She also says I'm adorable and thoughtful... that woman obviously knows what she's talking about."

Ella laughed. "She sure does....it's not like she's biased or anything."

Jay was gonna add some smart ass comment but got cut off by Nora's loud voice.

"I've ordered pizza for everyone, does anyone want anything else?" Nora hollered, as she looked at Ella and Jay from where she was standing near the fridge.

"Nothing else for me." Jay replied, while Ella just shook her head 'no'.

Daniel raised his hand to answer and said, "mozzarella sticks." When judgemental stares were thrown at him he said, "What?" In an indignant manner.

"How are you so fit?" Ella mumbled.

"It's my cheat day okay!" He whined.

Nora rolled her eyes but placed his order before ending the call. She walked over to Ella and Jay and joined them on the couch. "Which movie are we watching tonight?"

"We were watching Pirates of the Caribbean last time, we can't just stop in the middle of a series," Daniel said as if he was horrified at the possibility of such a deplorable situation. He dropped in a chair that was placed close to the couch and pouted like a kid.

"Dan, no one suggested otherwise," Ella told him.

"That settles it." Jay shrugged and then looked at Ella and said, "I guess It doesn't really matter to you, you're probably gonna sleep through it no matter how amazing the movie is...."

"Can't argue with that," Ella admitted.

"How incredibly respectful of you," Daniel said flatly.

That was when a key turned in the keyhole and someone twisted the knob from outside to push the door open. Everyone turned to look, as Patrick stepped in.

Patrick was a tall guy with dirty blonde hair and sparkling grey eyes which were hidden behind the dark-framed glasses that balanced on his straight nose and made him look smart and important. He was a third-year student and that meant Ella, Nora and Dan hardly ever crossed paths with him except for when they hung out with Jay, and even then his presence was scarce because of his multiple part-time jobs.

He and Jay had always been close, they were like two peas in a pod, both from the same high school, Patrick being the elder one had taken him under his wing (both literally and figuratively) and taught him quite a few things, they had a huge litany of inside jokes every time they conversed leaving most people in dark.

He smiled looking at familiar faces, as he dropped his keys in the bowl, "Hey guys."

Everyone said "Heys and what's up," In return, while Jay said, "Hey honey, how was work?" In an overly amused manner. Their usual banter was ridiculous, to the point where everyone teased them for behaving as if they were in a relationship, and instead of denying it, they decided to embrace it just to throw them off.

Patrick rolled his eyes at that and said, "Not too bad. I got paid today so that's a plus."

"Oh, that reminds me, we need to go grocery shopping tomorrow," Jay told him.

"I thought you were trying out this new diet called 'water'," Patrick said as he removed his dark grey jacket revealing his fitted white t-shirt and walked towards his bedroom, but stopped halfway when Jay spoke to him.

"It's very effective at keeping you hydrated, but after thorough research and analysis I found out that alone is not very healthy." Jay pretended to be disheartened by the discovery.

"Took you long enough." Patrick mumbled, and then pointedly looked at Ella and said, "See this is what happens when you give up on your pupils, his brain cells are tragically vanishing."

Ella sometimes studied with Jay, since they were frequently assigned work in pairs, but Patrick thought she was tutoring him, "I can't be held responsible for that, he's hopeless." She joked, not feeling all that sleepy anymore.

"I'm glad we can both agree on that." Patrick tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement.

"Sorry to interrupt your dissing and all, but I'm right here." Jay meekly raised his hand.

"Yeah yeah, what's for dinner? I hope you didn't try to cook water like last time." Patrick said.

"I wasn't trying to cook water, I just wanted to boil it for instant noodles." Jay protested.

"And somehow managed to burn it," Patrick added offhandedly as he turned around to walk into his room

"I never claimed to be gifted in culinary arts," Jay grumbled.

"Excuses," Patrick said before he walked inside his room and disappeared. A weird silence settled for a moment before Daniel's words broke it.

"I can safely say that that was the weirdest conversation I've ever witnessed in my tiny existence." He said.

"You guys talk like an old married couple," Nora told him

"So I've been told." Jay nodded happily.

"It's not fair, I want that..." Dan whined like a seven-year-old.

That was when the doorbell rang, almost startling Ella out of her not-so-sleepy haze.

"That must be the pizza," Jay said before he went to get the door.

Soon they all settled with food and the movie played on screen. Ella ate, laughed and tried to stay present half-heartedly, but lost the fight to her heavy eyelids.

It felt like only moments but it was probably a couple hours when she blinked her eyes open and found herself asleep on Jay's shoulder.

She looked around with groggy confusion to see her friends passed out all around her, wrapped in blankets and cuddling pillows. She smiled at their impromptu slumber party.

"You awake?" A deep voice said, the sound was loud in the quiet room.

Ella turned to meet Jay's eyes while he tried to blink himself out of a sleepy haze next to her.

"Sorry... " Her own voice came out hoarse and deep, "didn't mean to fall asleep on you like this."

"I told you it was okay... " He smiled and for a moment she was transfixed.

She tried to pulled herself away and for a quick second missed the warmth that she lost with the distance. "I should go..." She grabbed his wrist to check time, It was past midnight on his steel metal watch. "I won't be able to fall asleep here...."

Jay looked thoughtful, "You can take my bed, I'll sleep out here."

Ella chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking doubtful, "No, that doesn't feel right to me, I'll just go."

"I'll walk you..." Jay offered as he pushed himself up to stand and offered her a hand.

Ella smiled and took it to pull herself up. It was safe in the campus to walk around, students were often seen on the streets even at late nights, but she didn't mind the company and nodded.

"Should we wake her?" Jay asked quietly gesturing at Nora, who looked like she was going to fall off of the couch she was sleeping on.

"No don't, let her be, she doesn't have any early classes tomorrow." Ella whispered.

Jay adjusted the pillow and pushed to tuck their friend in her blanket so she doesn't fall off.... Ella smiled.

He then straightened and met Ella's eyes. "Okay, let's go now..." He said softly and made his way towards the door, and she followed.

They walked out into the cold night quietly, crickets and cicadas creaked and insects chirped loudly in the darkness.

"Did you know that cicadas feed on tree sap?" Jay said randomly and Ella turned to stare at him mid-yawn.

"No, I didn't know that...." She whispered. "That's so cool."

"I thought so too..." A beat passed in silence.

"Will you be able to get back to sleep?" He asked in a low voice.

"I think so, I'm feeling quite tired." Ella replied.

"Why are we whispering?" Jay asked while whispering.

"So that we don't disturb the cicadas?" Ella humoured. They both stared at each other and then broke into quiet chuckles.

They walked a few steps with quiet smiles. Jay rubbed his exposed forearms to warm up, and Ella noticed.

"Do you want my jacket?" She asked, almost ready to pull it off and offer.

He eyed her soft green jacket and said, "I don't think it'll look that good on me."

"Well, we won't know unless you try...." She tried to shrug it off but he reached out to stop her.

"I don't need it.... I'm fine" He insisted, holding on to her arm, he couldn't help his smile though.

Ella smiled with mischief, "If you're sure."

"I am."

"Alright..." She chuckled and he let her hand go. "Why didn't you bring your jacket?"

"I forgot it at home last time I visited..."  He mumbled.

Ella, recalled and asked, "you forget you music player too right? Why didn't't you get them back over the weekend?"

"I just... Didn't feel like I need them." He shrugged.

Ella wanted to ask about it, but thought better off it. They fell in step in silence again.... The sounds of the night grew louder.

"Were you looking for the Diary again today?" His question broke the silence.

Ella thought about it and said, "Um... yes, actually no, not really.... I don't know, I keep expecting it to show up somewhere suddenly, it not realistic, I know, but..."

"What have you written in it?" He was curious and she blushed in embarrassment.

"It's nothing important..." She tried not to stammer, hoping the dark night was hiding her blush.

"Come on, I can keep a secret..." He pouted, and she laughed.

"Tell you what, I'll share my secret if you share yours." She tried to trade.

Jay looked baffled, "I don't have any secrets, I'm an open book..."

"Please, I don't believe that for a second..." She scoffed.

"What do you think I'm hiding?"  He asked.

"I don't know, I hardly know you.... You rarely talk about yourself, but don't think I don't notice the way you avoid certain things, even right now... You didn't tell me why you don't want to get your things from home." She explained.

"Aah... That's just, I don't want to bore you with my boring family stuff." He said, as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

She noticed the avoidance, again. He was such a bright person but the light in his eyes had dimmed, he was such a contradiction, always...

"You know Jay, sometimes I think you're hiding so well, you can't even find your own self..."

"You give me too much credit Ella..." He said without meeting her eyes, "I don't try to hide. I never have, but at least I know now you have something to hide.... I hope you can tell me one day."

"I hope so too..." Ella didn't know if she was speaking to him, or herself.

Maybe she was projecting.

********************************

What do you think of the chapter, I hope you're interested in what's about to follow?

Please do vote and comment as you move forward with the story.

Thanks for reading.