X. Thunder

Holland smiled into blonde hair when she felt Seva stir a little bit in her arms. It was early morning, the soft blue light of false dawn creeping across the dark sky. They had a while yet before the sun started to show over the horizon. Seva's warm back was pressed into her chest, their fingers still meshed together where they rested on the sheets that covered the queen's stomach. Holland felt as much as heard the soft sigh of contentment from her lover. "Awake?" she murmured softly, lifting her head so that she could kiss behind Seva's ear.

"Mayhap." The queen sounded half asleep still, but she shifted like she wanted to roll over to face Holland.

The penitent felt her smile growing. "You can go back to sleep, you know." She couldn't remember ever having felt this at peace or at home. Pure, true happiness had always been an alien emotion, something other people chased but she could barely comprehend. Now, suddenly, she had fallen into it. For a little while, the fact that the world was ending didn't even occur to her. There was just the rise and fall of Seva's chest, the occasional soft sound the queen made in her sleep, and the warmth that suffused bare skin everywhere they were in contact. It left Holland's mind still and quiet, like the universe had suddenly righted itself. Nothing mattered but this. Not even Deus could intrude and ruin it, His whispers so remote that they didn't matter anymore.

"Then I would miss thee," Seva said, releasing Holland's hand so she could roll over. There was enough light for Holland to easily make out her smile and hooded eyes. "Th'art a beautiful sight."

Holland felt her cheeks heat up. She knew that Seva genuinely meant it. She kissed the queen, enjoying the feeling of soft lips against her own. It felt divine to be able to just linger there, closer to Seva than she'd ever thought she could come. She could feel fingertips against her cheek. Seva was touching her so gently it was almost like her lover thought she would break or vanish. The penitent pulled back regretfully to breathe, touching their foreheads together to keep the closeness. She didn't want to ever leave this moment.

Seva was looking at her wonderingly. "No one has ever kissed me as thou dost," she murmured. "'Tis always like thou art fixed on my soul."

Holland smiled. "I am." If she had been more awake herself, she might not have admitted it for fear of frightening Seva away.

"Glad I am to hear it," the queen said. "There is no other I would give it to."

"You already have mine." Holland reflexively turned her face away to avoid seeing a reaction. After so long hiding everything, it was almost impossible not to. She was more awake now, the anxiety stirring her out of slumber completely.

Seva's fingertips against her jaw gently but insistently moved her back to where their eyes met. "My heart is thine, no other's. I promise thee that will never change. Trust me."

Holland nodded. It was easier to believe when those sincere blue eyes wouldn't let her go. "I do. I'm sorry, I just..."

"Thou art everything I could ever wish for," Seva said as she brushed her thumb across the penitent's cheek. "No apology needs be made." She gently guided Holland into a comforting kiss. She could feel the tension in her lover slowly fade. Someday, Holland would remember without prompting that she was wanted. Until then, Seva would just have to remind her every time the doubt started to rear its ugly head. When Holland finally broke the kiss, Seva just turned her lips to the point of penitent's jaw just beneath her ear, working her way down her lover's neck towards her collarbone. She heard Holland's breathing hitch and the hand on her hip tightened its grip slightly.

"Seva." It was no protest, just a breathy sound that made Seva smile with satisfaction. Whatever shadows had troubled Holland were forgotten now.

"I will never tire of hearing that." She could definitely get used to the way Holland shivered slightly at the breath against her skin. There was something immensely satisfying about being able to touch the penitent this way. Seva wasn't certain how she'd managed to live so long without doing it. Now that she could, she would never stop.

"My pleasure," Holland murmured. She tilted her head down to see Seva smiling at her. There was something wicked in those blue eyes.

"Not yet, but soon," the queen said, voice full of smoky promise as she trailed fingertips down Holland's side. They left something that felt like fire in their wake, just as they had the night before, and the penitent was certain she was going to combust. "This morn, I have yet to hear my favorite way thou speakst my name."

Seva had something in mind and Holland was very, very happy with the idea that she was about to find out what.

There was a knock on the door and Holland cursed loudly. She didn't know who else was awake at this hour, but she was definitely thinking that she was going to do them bodily harm. Before she could even ask who it was, she had her answer. "Holland, we need you." It was Ardashir.

Seva saw the regret forming in hazel eyes and smiled to reassure her lover. "'Tis fine," she said softly, moving so Holland could sit up. "We will have another night." She could tell that the penitent wasn't really fine with it, but they didn't have much of a choice. Reality couldn't be ignored forever.

"Every night, if I have my way," Holland said even as she sat up. "Coming!"

"Promises, promises," Seva said with a smile, kissing a scar on the top of Holland's shoulder before the penitent stood. She shifted so she could lay in Holland's spot. It was warm and smelled like her still. Besides, it gave the queen an excellent view of her lover picking up scattered clothes to pull on.

The moment she was dressed, Holland grabbed her boots and her sword, slipping out through the door. She knew Seva would be out of bed by the time she came back, even if it was something quick. It was a disappointing reality, but it couldn't be helped. If they were ever caught, there would be hell to pay. When the war was over, things would be different, but until then they would be moving in secret. "What is it?" Holland asked with a sigh.

Ardashir was the picture of contrition. "I'm sorry, Holland." He had to know that Seva was with her, otherwise he wouldn't have been nearly so apologetic. He'd been the one to talk to the queen, so it wasn't a particularly large surprise that he knew they'd made it to the penitent's room in the palace. Holland knew that she would have to talk to him about it later. She definitely needed to thank him a thousand times over.

"It's alright. I know you wouldn't wake me if it wasn't important." It was hard to be irritated with him, particularly with how badly she owed him for setting things right. "Is it Laenus and Naris?"

"No, and the others are keeping watch for them. There's supposedly a demon in Tamaris. Last I heard, it was headed this way. One of the stablehands saw it when he was out on the town drinking. He came to me in a panic. Good head on his shoulders usually. He said it was big and horned." Ardashir's eyes were worried. "If Orobas came into Tamaris, he had a good damn reason. It's a huge risk. If someone finds him before we do, they're going to try and kill him."

Holland nodded slightly and motioned for Ardashir to follow. "We'll clear the palace first. If he was seen out in Tamaris a while ago, it's highly likely that he's here somewhere. Who else knows?"

"Just Khagra, Vladan, and us." The knight's hand was resting on his sword as they walked. "I thought it better not to alarm the guard. Besides, if I told them the demon was friendly, they'd just lock me away as a madman."

"Where are Naris and Laenus?" Holland asked quietly.

"Laenus is out on the training grounds practicing. Vladan is keeping an eye on him. Naris is in her room, and Khagra is there to make certain she stays there."

Holland frowned slightly. "Is Fionn with her?"

"No, he was out hunting," Ardashir said.

The penitent sighed. "Was? He's back now?"

Her friend nodded. "Down at the stables, last I saw him. Hopefully we can smuggle Orobas out of here before he catches wind. As much as it's possible to smuggle anything the size of our demon friend, anyway."

Holland did not feel particularly optimistic about their chances of successfully doing so.

While Ardashir and the penitent made their search, Seva took a bath and dressed reluctantly. She never wanted to leave Holland's bed, particularly not if there was a chance of the penitent returning to it before the day started. However, the reality was that there were a thousand and one things that needed to be done by the time the sun was fully risen, and it would be difficult to explain away being caught naked in Holland's bed, even if she was alone. Once she was dressed, Seva headed back to her own quarters. Empty, of course. For once, she was both glad and grateful for her husband's frequent absences. If he was off with Naris, he couldn't ask her about what she'd been doing.

She went over to the window, sighing slightly. It was a lovely view of Tamaris, but she was almost tired of the sight. She wanted to be out of the city for a while, away from the constant bustle and noise. She missed her time on the road with Holland, brief as it had been and distant as it was. Falling autumn leaves or snow and the company of just the penitent was a fine combination. She let her thoughts linger on the hope that they would have more such chances in the future, after armies were finished marching. It was a quiet few minutes, lost in thought, but soon interrupted.

Seva stiffened when she felt arms slip around her from behind. They weren't slim and deceptively strong like Holland's, but she recognized them immediately: Fionn's. Anger uncoiled in her stomach when his lips pressed against the side of her neck. He was clearly in an amorous mood and apparently Naris was unavailable. Maybe she was no better than him now and she had no right to be as upset as she was, but that didn't change the fact that she didn't want to be touched by him like this. It would have been much, much easier to live with if he had put her aside the moment he started seeing Naris. Then she wouldn't have to live with him trying to take the best of her as well. She had wasted so much time and so much energy and so many tears on him. She had no intention of continuing to do so.

More than that, she wasn't going to hurt Holland. Not now, not ever. Seva pulled away from him, turning around. "No more."

"What's wrong?" Fionn said. He didn't look happy, but he was more confused than angry. Seva had never refused him in the past, at least not since they'd made their peace over Holland's temporary exile.

"I am not thy second-best any longer," Seva said tersely. She was trying to keep control of her temper, but this was a fire that had been burning a long time. "Get thee to Naris's bed, if thou art thus inclined."

She saw actual concern in his face, though not exactly for her. He knew that she at least suspected something now, which put his position at considerable risk, but he forged ahead anyway. "Seva, I would never...I love you." They were the magic words that had cut off her anger so many times in the past, when she'd been desperate to cling to the idea that someone loved her. Now that she had the real thing, suddenly what Fionn offered had less than no allure.

It was hard not to raise her voice and throw something. She wished, not for the first time, that he had just said that he wanted Naris. She would have been broken-hearted, but at least it would have been honest. The fact that he hadn't was probably the part that had actively hurt her the most. It still stung even now. "I know what love looks like," Seva said. Hazel eyes flickered to the front of her mind, soothing some of the pain. "Not once has it ever worn thy aspect."

He pulled back from her like she was made of fire, his expression wavering between uncertainty and anger. "You don't—"

"Yes, tell me exactly how I do not mean it, how I do not understand," Seva said. The burn was spreading through her chest. "I waited for thee for more than a year. I watched thee creep out of my bed, night after night, for hers. I bit back tears and smiled and nodded. I listened to the gossip until I felt things crack inside. Not once did I refuse thee anything, because I thought that thy senses would return if I could just wait long enough.  And then, when nothing changed, I kept my peace for others' sakes. I kept my peace to keep a kingdom whole and I will keep it until the day my son sits on the throne."

"Our son," Fionn said, his jaw tight.

"My son. Remind me, where was thy time spent when he was sleeping beneath my heart? Remind me, who commands thy attention now when he cries? Thou art quick to turn from him for her sake."

"I—"

"I pray thou wilt rectify thy mistake before he is old enough to ken that he ever came second in thine eyes," Seva said evenly.

He hesitated for a moment, clearly considering the sudden shift. "And what about us?"

"The bed is thine, the kingdom is thine, Naris is thine. I? No longer," Seva said quietly. "'Tis not my care where thy eyes or thy heart go any longer. But I will no longer consent to thy touch and if ever thou dost dare to hurt Devyn, I will burn thee with a fire that would make demon princes tremble. Push me, and I will take thy crown from thee."

Fionn squared his jaw. "You are my wife."

"I am Queen of Yssa. There is a difference." She met his gaze without flinching, blue eyes blazing. "Thy throne stands on sand without me, Fionn. A single wave would wash it all away. Let us have an understanding, here and now. Pretending has only caused pain."

He knew he wasn't going to be able to push her into backing down from the way she was looking at him. "I can stop seeing Naris."

"'Tis little matter to me. I do not want thee back," Seva said flatly. "Seek to appease thy conscience if it pleases thee, but do not say thou wouldst do it for my sake."

"It doesn't have to be this way," Fionn said softly, reaching out to her. "We were happy."

Seva slapped his hand away. "Thy heart was glad, certes. 'Twas everything that thou wished, was it not? The best of me and the best of her. Why have one or the other when thou couldst have both? Was that thy thought? And perhaps for a while, my ignorant heart was glad as well, before I knew thee for what thou art. That joy is ashen now. Take my truce and find happiness where it pleases thee."

"And what if I want you?"

She shook her head. "Thy chance to hold my heart is long behind thee," she said. There was an exhaustion seeping out into her tone, but there was also an overwhelming relief. "I held it out to thee so many times. Never again." She could tell the blunt refusal made him angry, but she honestly didn't care. No power in heaven or on earth would ever compel her to throw away what she had with Holland for Fionn's sake. "I hope someday thou wilt find a place for thy empty, wandering soul. But 'tis not with me and never will be."

Without waiting for an answer, she walked past him and out of the room. Their marriage would continue on in name, for the sake of political unity, but that was all. And someday, there would not even be that, when Devyn was old enough. Fionn had seemed to have no trouble finding other arms to spend his time in, so she honestly doubted he would be losing much sleep over her refusal. It was the other parts of the problem that he'd made for them that would be keeping him up until the small hours of the morning, which was fine with her. She remembered how many exhausting nights she'd spent agonizing over all the things she should have and could have done to keep him. If he felt even a fraction of that, she would consider the account settled.

Seva took a deep breath, gathered all her anger together, and then let it go with a long, slow exhale. She was done. She wanted to let her heart live with Holland, and there was no room in that for fury. Hating him would only cause more pain in the end, particularly for her son. Fionn's temper would cool eventually. He was likely angry more because she had been the one to cut him off than because he really loved her and didn't want to lose her. That stubborn pride of his would get him killed someday. But Fionn wasn't a fool and he knew that he needed her. Between the power of her name, her blood, and the way she'd insinuated herself so deeply into the inner workings of Yssa, he had no choice in the matter.

He would be receiving an even more bitter surprise when she took his army to challenge the Princes of Iron. That would be the end of things, if she knew him as well as she thought she did. An unforgivable wound to his pride, and a public one, but one that could not be avoided. At least Devyn was too young to even know what was happening. By the time he was old enough to understand, it would be over, one way or another.

Before she made it more than a few steps, she heard a crack of thunder. There was no ripple of a manifestation like Lieren stepping back and forth between the palace and the Vale, but it was too loud to have come from just a storming sky. Then, her blood turned to ice in her veins as a realization hit her.

It had come from the direction of her son's room.

Seva broke into a run.