Chapter 30. Alone

🎶 Lehrein

Published on 14.08.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

Is it possible to get rid of someone who lives in every breath you take, resides in every thought you've, blurs your vision everytime you shut your eyes and beats in sync with your heart?

It isn't.

And yet like the miserable fool he has been, he tries. It's been more than two days since he last talked to her, last saw her, the memory still manages to make a shudder rack through him even if he knows she's completely safe and unharmed. There are text messages, missed calls, instagram dms, even emails from Inaaya to ask what's wrong, if he's okay, if it's her that has gotten him upset for some reason and yet he hasn't responded to a single one of them even though he had read each one of them when they appeared in the notifications. Too messed up, too vulnerable, too anxious, everything is just too much for him that he just wants to shut himself out from the whole world. He had just spoken to Neha once after the incident where he told her to inform everyone that he's alright and just needs some space and work is being really, really stressful of late and she had understood what he meant by "everyone". He didn't care if she told anyone else till the time she told Inaaya so it could put her at ease.

Out of all the emotions that were crawling within him, guilt was clawing at him. He was aware of his feelings, he knew they resonated with hers but to give into them felt so wrong, so much more like betrayal. But then, running away from them didn't feel right either. Telling the truth, coming out clean, starting afresh should be an ideal way to go forward but it was uncertain and a part of his knew that it would put a permanent end to everything rather than being a second chance especially when he knew now how much it meant for her to trust him with that sincerity. And he can't tell her that he had broken it already.

Ayansh makes way towards his wardrobe and pulls the door open. Inhaling deeply, he reaches out for the medium sized horizontal frame tucked between his pile of clothes. This was the first time he was glancing at the frame, taking in the pictures, reading the quotes and gazing at those little artistic details she had done to fill the gaps left.

It was beautiful. It made his heart clench, made his knees weak that he had to sit on the bed to not lose balance. As his eyes took in every polaroid picture, every moment associated with them that was vivid in his memory flashed in front of him, pulling him into their abyss, consuming him. He read all the tiny quotes and lines she had spent time searching for from his favourite books and his heart swelled because they were all so thoughtful. She had even taken effort to write them in an elegant handwriting and even though, he didn't want, his eyes welled up. Everything about the frame was so personal, so intimate and so much soulful that he wondered what did he do to deserve such generosity. How did he go from craving for a drop to love to receiving an ocean of it?

A picture of their entwined hands at the bottom corner of the frame catches his stare for a little longer and his mind reels back to the conversation they had that night later after that fleeting kiss.

The sound of footsteps made his head turn and a surprised smile on her face told him that she wasn't expecting to see him here. It was two thirty at night. She was wearing loose cotton pants and a tank top over which she had wrapped her shrug. Ayansh sensed her awkwardness by the way she didn't speak any word or made any movement to move anywhere and simply pulled her shrug closer. He gently patted the space beside him and beckoned her.

Like a little child, Inaaya walked forward and removing her footwear and keeping it at a distance, she sat beside him, folding the ends of her pants almost till her knees and dipping her feet into the shallow pool. Ayansh held her arm when she gasped and a sudden shriek escaped her as she pulled her legs up.

"The water's cold!" She exclaimed.

He chuckled. "It will feel just fine in sometime."

Carefully, she dipped her feet back and exhaled sharply. "You aren't asleep?" She asked in a small voice, gazing at their feet in the water.

"Couldn't fall asleep." He shrugs and she shakes her head at his vague answer. "What are you doing here?" He turns his face to look at her.

She was about to give the same reply when the look in his eyes told her that he won't buy it. She was also certain she looked too tired after the day's activities. "I- ," she hesitated but then sighed and settled on the truth, "I don't like hotels." She murmured.

Ayansh squints at her, his eyes following her actions as she wraps her arms around herself and stares at the water reflecting the colour of night into oblivion. "Why?"

She shrugs.

He waits for her to say more but she doesn't. He leans forward to whisper in her ear and the way her dangling feet stills and her body tenses, sends a surge of satisfaction through him that he has that effect on her. "Remind me to book a cottage for you next time."

Her head whips to the side to look at him, an amused smile breaking on her face at that corny statement and she couldn't help but melt and then, it simmers down, making way for something entirely else. Her smile fades away and her lips part slightly. The playfulness in his eyes is replaced with something darker. Their faces are so close, their lips inches away. She could hear her heart pounding in her ear, she could see him waiting, anticipating and as on cue, her fingers slowly and stealthily grazes his, making his eyes turn towards them before they drag up to her lips and then meet her eyes again. His hand trail up her arm at a painstaking pace, causing goosebumps to erupt on every cell they touched and her eyes fall close when they graze her jaw and hold her face, his thumb brushing over her lips making her breathless.

Ayansh leans more and she tilts her head back, their noses nuzzling against each other, their breaths mingling, a heady sensation filling her up and then, it's gone. It happens so quickly that she doesn't even get the time to seep it in. Fear and panic and a feral urge to escape tugs within her and her hand reaches over to his knee to push him away weakly. But it does the work. He gets the hint and stops, his eyes snapping up to her closed ones, worry and confusion glazing them at her uneasy expression.

"Inaaya," he calls out softly. "Inaaya," he says again, his hand cupping her face sweeps her hair back and his other hand encloses themselves around her hand on his knee.

She blinks, her eyes fluttering open, her breathing heavy, her eyes looking at him in a daze. "I'm sorry," she mumbles, mortification, embarassment, self-loathing scratching at her chest, tearing her apart.

"You've nothing to be sorry for." His response is instant, baffled at her apology. "Are you okay?" He cups her face with both his hands.

A whimper makes his way past her lips. "I'm sorry."

"Shush," scared, worried and puzzled, he pulls her in his arms, stroking her back as she focussed on gaining control over her breathing. "It's alright," he whispers into her hair. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable." Her arms around him tightens and he could feel her shaking her head at his apology. "It's normal to feel nervous. It's your first time after all." He adds, reassuringly, soothingly.

She squeezed her eyes and pushed herself even more into his arms and he held her. God! It was weird how one moment she felt she couldn't get close to him, as if that would burn her and the next moment, she doesn't want to free herself from his embrace, as if nothing was as safe as it. And she was grateful he didn't question her behaviour. Just kept brushing her hair and rubbing her back in a rhythm.

"Don't feel sorry for anything." He said softly. "Take your time to feel comfortable. You don't have to force yourself at all."

She relaxed in his arms yet didn't pull away. His words were a gentle caress on her aching soul. She sniffed and he pressed a tender kiss on the crown of her head. "I- I trust you." She breathed out and his hand on her back stills. "It's not that I don't trust you. I hope you know that."

Her words were greeted with silence.

"I trust you, Ayansh." She repeated. "Infact, I trust you the most. I know you won't break it. I don't want you to think that- that I don't trust you or I'm not comfortable with you. You don't have to be sorry- "

She felt his chin pressing against the side of her face, both his arms going around her, locking her in their hold, the absolute vulnerability of the moment making her stop, stealing the words from her lips.

They stay like that for what feels like forever. The glittering stars blinking at them from above, the moon spilling its light upon them, the water around their feet nuzzling them, the gust of wind encasing them.

When they pull apart, he presses another kiss to her forehead and her heart leaps at the amount of warmth that explodes inside her.

"Is there anything that's bothering you?" He asks gently and she could see the fear in his eyes and that made her heart crack a little.

She shook her head and gave him a little smile. "Is there anything that's bothering you?" She asked instead, curious.

He stiffens before compelling himself to ease away. He wanted to push her. He could feel that there was definitely something that she wasn't telling him and it bothered him but he couldn't force her; not when he wasn't truthful to her himself. So, he shook his head and turned his body towards the water. Inaaya shifted closer and quietly locked her arm around his and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I'm working on my start-up." He speaks after a moment.

Inaaya stares up at him immediately, her face brightening up. "You are?"

He nods. "Bhai is also helping me." She could hear the joy of receiving something from his brother in his voice and it made her sigh in content. "He's- he's with me. He even found people who could help me and made me connect to them."

"That's really sweet." She says merrily and goes back to leaning on his shoulder as if he was her personal cuddling teddy bear. "I'm happy for you."

"Thank- thank you." His voice breaks which makes Inaaya eye him with concern.

"What's wrong?" She turns his face towards her by holding his chin.

He looks at her, as if he's studying her. The worry etched on her forehead, her lips pulled down into a frown, her eyes staring into his causes a wave of emotions to course through him, overwhelming him.

"Tell me." She urges.

"It's a very silly thing." He chuckles, shaking his head.

"I would like to hear." She smiles.

"You're happy."

"I'm." She laughs.

"For me?" The statement comes out as a question.

"A lot." She says sincerely.

"I wish Mom and Dad could be this happy too." He averts his gaze to the space between them. "I mean- ," he gulps, "I mean, I shouldn't. I mean I should be happy that Bhai atleast is supporting me but then, I couldn't help but wish how perfect it would be if my parents could trust me instead of doubting me, love me, be happy for me, you know?" His lips presses into a thin line. "I'm their son afterall."

Inaaya continues to stare at him, with the same gaze and feeling unnerved by it, he looks ahead at the water.

"You shouldn't have to try this hard." Her voice faint and she continues, "some things simply don't change." She intertwines their fingers and pulls her phone from her pocket.

Ayansh looks curiously as she snaps a picture of it from a particular angle which makes it look quite aesthetic. "And this won't change too." She adds cheekily, looking at the picture, eliciting a chuckle from him, his demeanor changing completely with a small action.

He pulls her back towards him, interlocking their arms and resting his head on top of hers. "By the way, you booked tickets and the flight is scheduled at 11 am. I thought you wanted to spend the entire Sunday visiting the fort and other places." He diverts the topic.

Inaaya clicks her tongue. "I've had enough and I know you aren't a fan of adventures and travelling so I don't want to bore you more." She explains.

Ayansh rolls his eyes. "You're there with me."

He didn't have to say more for her to understand what he meant. "I know work has been bugging you too and I think you would appreciate a relaxing Sunday in your bed rather than a tiring Sunday with me."

He is quiet for sometime. "Thank you for giving so much thought about me but.... if a tiring Sunday means I get to spend time with you, then I guess it's worth it." He murmurs.

Inaaya ducks her head to hide the smile that had crept on her lips and the blush that coloured her cheeks. She felt giddy and the late night and the fact they were alone, sitting like lovers together with their feet in the pool didn't help the butterflies fluttering in her stomach and the heart beating unsteadily. She closed her eyes, embracing the silence, basking in the beauty and everything it brought with it.

They didn't realise how much time had passed until they saw the first hint of dawn. Inaaya got up with a jerk. She looked at the time in her phone. It was four thirty.

"It's too late." She stared at him wide-eyed.

He stared back, unfazed.

She huffed. "I'm going inside. Won't you?"

"I like it more here." He said with a smile playing on his lips.

Shaking her head at him and slipping her footwear on, she turned to go but stopped. "Ayansh?" She called out carefully and he narrowed his eyes at her. "What you said about your parents- ," she swallowed, clasping her hands together, "don't mind me saying but...... maybe you're looking for love at the wrong places."

The sound of a new notification popping on his phone pulls him back to reality. Before he could check it, the knock on his door calls him and he walks to open it. His brother tells him that they need to leave in half an hour for the party and scolds him too for not being ready yet.

-

"I've made my decision." Inaaya tells again to her fuming Dad, confused Mom and concerned brother.

Durvesh curls his hand into fists, controlling his rage. "You don't want to join our company and now, you don't want to go to Cambridge. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." She says calmly. "I changed my mind. I'll complete my studies from some college in Mumbai. What's wrong in that?"

"Everything!" Her father shouts. "Do you even hear yourself? You're my daughter!" He reminds her and she grits her teeth, feeling repulsed. "I'm not going to just watch you throwing away your career and settle for an average life."

A humorless laugh spills from her throat. "It's not about me leading an average life but your ego being bruised. It would hurt to hear Durvesh Rai's daughter working as an employee for someone else, making 40-50k a month probably and not lakhs and crores like you. It's not your concern for me but your pride getting a blow."

"Inaaya, watch what you speak." Her mother glares at her and she rolls her eyes at her.

"Inaaya!" Kartik calls out in warning, looking at her in disbelief.

"What Bhai?" She asks, challenging him. "I don't want to go abroad. What's such a big deal about it?" She throws her hands in air, frustratedly.

Kartik walks near her and holds her shoulders. "Because it indeed is." His voice lowers. "You were so adamant to get admission there for your MBA, get scholarship for the same and suddenly, you don't want it. You aren't attending your classes to prepare for the exams. It's strange and concerning. What changed?"

Inaaya looks at her brother with mild disappointment swimming in her eyes. "I just- don't want to go. It's my life."

"This isn't the Inaaya I know." He says softly. "You're ambitious with big dreams and goals. You wanted to study at the best university, get that degree and experience- "

"Bhai!" Inaaya stops his ramble, pushing his hands away. Another laugh struggles to spill out of her but she contains it. She never had goals or ambitions behind going to Cambridge. The sole reason she wanted to go there was because she wanted to escape. It was funny to know what her brother thought of it but then could she blame him? He didn't know then, he didn't know now. He doesn't even know that she never planned to come back to India.

"It's because of Ayansh, isn't it?" Her father pulls her attention towards him and her body tenses. "He brainwashed you, didn't he?"

"Excuse me?"

"You changed your mind because of him!" He accuses.

And even though, he was right, he wasn't. Ayansh didn't brainwash her. Heck! He doesn't even know about the change. "Don't drag him." She warns. "This has nothing to do with him."

Her Dad chuckles darkly. "You're going to Cambridge and then, you'll return and join the company."

"Durvesh," her mom tries to intervene but he stops her by a raise of his palm.

"This is final." He declares and shifts his gaze back at Inaaya. "I told you to stay away from that guy but you didn't. I didn't do anything about it but enough is enough. I'm not having any more of your tantrums. You'll do what I say."

"Oh for fucks sake!" Inaaya looks at him bewildered, her throat locking up, her heart thundering. "You can't force me for anything." Her voice wavers, her vision blurs. "Not again." Her voice comes out as a whisper.

"I'm not forcing you!" He yells, making Anita wince. "I'm doing what's right for you."

Inaaya takes a step back. "You aren't. You never did." She says defeatedly, the tears falling from her eyes and it took every ounce of strength to keep standing when falling was the easier option.

"Inu," Kartik takes her name gently and she looks at him. "I know you feel he's biased towards me, he cares for me more than you, he favours me but he loves you too." He says, coaxing her. "He cares for you too. He wants the best for you like all of us."

It felt like the whole world weighed upon her. It felt like nobody understood or knew her anymore. It felt as if everybody had their backs towards her and nobody would turn no matter how much she knocked. She knew she never told the truth. She knew she allowed her brother to believe his assumptions but at this point, she couldn't help but hurt. It hurt so damn much.

"He doesn't, Bhai." She mumbled helplessly, not knowing what else to do, feeling trapped in her own skin and misery.

"He does." Kartik pushed. "He's your Dad after all."

"I wish he wasn't then." The words fall from her mouth before she could take them back.

"Inaaya!" A shriek leaves her mother as she stomps towards her and grabs her arm harshly. "You've lost your mind."

But Inaaya couldn't hear anything. It felt like the world had shut her out and she did the same in return. Maybe it was panic or fear or a part unleashed within her but the words tumbled through her seamlessly. "I don't like him. I don't like to- to call him as my dad. I don't- I don't like to see his face daily. I don't like to talk- talk to him. I- I don't want to be associated with him. He doesn't deserve to be a father. I wish- "

A sound resonates in the living room, silencing everything else. The world spins for Inaaya, shaking her, pulling her, hurting her. Her hands flow to her mouth when the impact of what happened slams into her. Her mom just slapped her. She slapped her for her husband. She slapped her for a pathetic excuse of a dad. Inaaya couldn't bring herself to look at anyone. Her eyes burn, her heart hurts, she feels like dying. She stumbles back, a hand reaching out to hold her. Maybe it was her mother or her brother, she doesn't know. She doesn't care. She takes another step backward till her hand finds and clutches the railing before turning around and rushing to her room.

"Mom! You shouldn't have done that." Kartik admonishes, glaring at his mother. "You shouldn't have done that." His jaw ticks, his eyes glazed.

"Did you even hear what she was saying." She retorts, letting him know that she did the right thing. "Get ready for the party. We need to leave."

Durvesh leaves to his room.

"Tell Inaaya to get ready and come down and if she doesn't want to then let her stay here." She adds and follows her husband.

Inaaya sits on the floor near the edge of the bed, her face pressed into the mattress as sobs and cries and whimpers raked through her body. It hurt to even breathe.

She heard a few knocks on her door.

"Go!" She yelled and clutched the pillow lying tightly.

"Inu, open the door." Kartik pleaded.

"Go!" She whimpered. "Please just go." She begged.

"I wish I could stay but.... ," Kartik clenched his teeth, feeling awful. "But it's important. I have to leave."

It felt as if someone was punching her gut again and again, testing her, watching how much more blows she can take. She covered her mouth, gritted her teeth, stared upwards, begging for mercy silently because the pain she felt was unbearable. She knew it was important for Kartik to attend the party. He had to meet few people there. It was important from business point of view and that knowledge just increased her pain to ten folds. She pulled the pillow to her chest, holding it as if her life depended on it. She took a deep breath as she prepared herself to reply. "It's- it's okay." A sob left her, making her hate herself at how bad she was to keep her emotions in check. "I'm fine. You- you should leave." She coughed, the tears continuing to cascade from the brink of her eyes. The ache in her chest intensifying.

"Inu?" His brother called out frantically.

"I'm fine." She yelled, irritatedly. "I'm fucking fine. Just leave."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She heard him say before she heard his retreating footsteps and she let herself break apart, weeping inaudibly.

She felt alone. Lonely. Miserable. Weak. And wrong. As if it was her fault.

She felt pathetic and maybe she was because despite wanting to be left alone in this suffering, her hands reached to pull her phone on the table, typing a message to the person who hadn't responded to her or talked to her in last two days. Yet she couldn't stop herself from longing for his arms to hold her, from letting herself be vulnerable to him.

"I need you." She hit send.

***

No proofread but this chapter made me feel a little too much while writing. I hope it did the same to you, atleast one percent!? Anyways, do vote if you liked the chapter and I would love to know your views. So don't be shy and do comment :) ❤️

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