Chapter 1. Stranger

🎶 Safarnama

Published on 01.04.2022

| AYANSH MEHRA |

I think I dislike travelling. I dislike visiting new places unlike most others who claim it as therapeutic or healing or calming or salvation or whatever they may call it. No offense to anyone, it's just my feelings. And I'm not saying because I hold some kind of grudge. I used to feel that travelling especially with people be it friends or family was some kind of recreation, a splash of colour in your monotonous life. That's what I assumed when I heard others talk and spill their travel diaries. For a long time, I even felt that maybe my company wasn't much interesting and hence I didn't enjoy it which I realise now was pretty insensitive. Blaming others for your situation? Not a good thing Ayansh, not a good thing.

I've been to trips with my classmates when I was in hostel, I've been to trips with my family, I've been to solo trips too a few times although the main purpose of that wasn't touring but nevermind. One might argue saying that nature are your best friends, breathe in the fresh air and feel free, let go off all your stress and just bask in the beauty but this too doesn't work for me. Right now it feels so stupid to wonder about this while I walk through this lush green valley searching for some isolated corner where I can have some alone time, where I'm actually not seen rather than being seen yet not seen but this is the only thing I can think about.

I'm in Mahabaleshwar currently in search of some cave where I can finally adapt asceticism.

Just kidding.

I'm here with my brother and his friends who might be busy chatting and relishing some delicacies or in sightseeing. I believe it's my introverted personality that makes it hard to get noticed. I really didn't want to come but my parents forced me to have some fun before I leave to Cambridge for my MBA. My brother simply shrugged to it as if my presence or absence didn't make any difference which is kinda true as well. I wanted to protest against the idea and say that I'll have more fun staying at home but gave up.

It was super awkward to be with people who didn't care about your presence. Neither did I've any inputs to give so that I could voluntarily involve myself in their conversation. I was glad that I was left alone but a part of me wished if anyone, more like my brother could actually try to involve me too but nevermind. It's kind of pathetic that I, a grownup wished for someone else to try to make me feel comfortable. Okay, no self pitying right now. I wanted to zone out and act as if nobody else was present but the fear of being watched overtook that wish and so here I'm like a wanderer trying to discover a secluded corner just for himself.

I've been pretty successful in my mission by the way. The place where I'm standing at the moment is isolated, there are no guards and security around. It feels better with nobody around. I don't feel conscious anymore. I don't have to pretend neither care if someone is watching me or not. It's just me and my loneliness comforted with my weird thoughts who are together. It's a good package in my opinion. Better than thinking about what others might be thinking about you, you let your mind wander onto random things even if they don't make sense.

Although the place where I'm standing right now is secluded and has nobody around, I really have this urge to find out where this way ends. So, I walk further. The weather is cool. The sun rays don't burn you. The breeze blowing don't make you shiver. It's like a thin, soft quilt that you just want to wrap around yourself. There's this feeling to be enveloped in such a comfort for forever. To just keep walking on this way without any worry or destination. To never want it to end. But then I see the end. And I see someone.

I see her.

I halt instinctively. Close to the cliff, she's standing; her back towards me while her front faces an uncertain beginning. That's what I assume. An uncertain beginning. Isn't that what awaits us after the end? Maybe just like me she too had been looking for some space, an escape from the chaos. And while I came here looking for an end, maybe she came here searching for a beginning? 'Stop it Ayansh,' a voice from within gritted, making me aware of my thoughts wandering to latitudes far away from the equator.

But then a dangerous thought crossed my mind. She was standing close to the cliff, too close. A few steps ahead and it would be over. Forever. My heart thudded in the ribcage as fear dominated all other emotions. It seemed my legs were rooted to the ground with no intention to move even an inch.

"Hey! Stop." The words left my mouth before I could contemplate anything much. I felt her stiffen at my voice for a few seconds before she let it go and allowed herself to stand at ease again. She didn't turn back neither did she speak anything so I continued.

"I- I don't know what happened," I started carefully, "but giving your life away isn't the solution to any problem."

She didn't respond. I was starting to wonder if she was mute or maybe she was planning to push me off the cliff for disturbing her and that's the reason I thought it was better to stand here rather than going and standing beside her. It was just when I'd almost made up my mind to go away that she decided to speak.

"Who said I was giving my life away!?" She retorted back, her voice void of all emotions yet I felt a tinge of annoyance in them.

I sighed in relief. I had made a fool of myself by assuming such a drastic thing but it was better than knowing that my assumption was true.

"I'm sorry. You were standing so close to the cliff and I ended up thinking that." I muttered sincerely.

"Ridiculous thought process." This time there was no attempt of masking the offense she felt at my words. A part of me said she was overreacting. I was merely concerned and there was no need to be so annoyed by it but a larger part of me felt guilty, nervous as well.

"I really didn't- didn't mean to upset or hurt you. But I'm sorry," I didn't know what else to say or how to make up. I wasn't a great conversationalist. "By the way, what do you think about travelling?" I ended up blabbering in a desperate attempt to change the topic. I cringed. There were full chances that I'd offended her again. What if she took me as a creep who's trying to strike some sort of conversation intentionally? It would've been better to just go away silently rather than trying to better my ruined impression when I didn't even know the person with whose back of the head I was talking to! Neither did she know anything about me. She hadn't even seen my face just like I hadn't seen hers. She-

"It's like an escape I guess." My racing thoughts came to a rest when the voice spoke again. I waited for her to say more and she did. "Not when you're with people though. Hence I'm here needing some alone time," she explained and I was slightly confused why she did so because I never asked for one and she didn't even owe me any explanation. "Away from all judgements, from all questions, confusions, fear, people everything," she added, her voice sounding a little lost, a little tired. "It feels better slightly."

Her shoulders drooped and her head hung low. It seemed as if she was too tired of pretending to be normal that she couldn't help but give up. I felt bad and I didn't exactly know why. I wanted to say some comforting words but I didn't want her to think I was pitying her and offend her again.

"Are- are you still there?" She asked hesitantly when I didn't say anything after her reply.

"Yeah. I just didn't know what to say." I admitted honestly.

"It's fine." She assured and I would like to assume that she must have smiled a little to know that I was still here considering the genuineness in her tone when she said those two words.

"Can I ask you something?" She was nervous. I could feel that.

"I did ask you a question without even knowing if you were interested or not so go ahead." I tried to put her at ease although I wasn't sure if that's how it works.

I heard a faint chuckle and a half grin made its way on my lips.

"What if I was actually going to jump off here?" She questioned while taking few steps back for which I was grateful. "What if someone is so tired of the way they've been treated by life that they find death better than being subjected to the daily torment? Why do you feel that giving up isn't the solution?"

Because it never is. I wanted to say it aloud but thought against it. I took a deep breath, leaned against the tree beside me and shoved my hands in my hoodie pockets. "Billions of people live on this earth. Everyone is living a life that's different, that's unique. And almost everyone goes through something or the other, some people worse than the rest. Everyone has their struggles, their battles. You just need to hang in there. Things surely get better."

"Easy to say when you haven't been in others shoes." She said bitterly and I winced.

"I might have sounded a little insensitive but that wasn't my intention. Let me try again." I insisted and she replied with an "okay".

"There are people who go through worse than us. There are people who might be in a similar situation like us. It's weird but there are many like us, suffering the same pain, experiencing the same situation. And even though their lives may be different, their pain might be the same as ours. I'm not trying to invalidate someone's pain when I say that people go through worse. But to think that we aren't alone, there might be many like us who can relate to our emotions inspite of living in places we may never visit, leading a life we may never know, having a personality that we may never meet is kind of comforting. They're holding on then why can't we; after all weren't we all suppose to be in this together? If we can gather some strength from them and just wait for the storm to pass, for things to get better, if we can just lend some hope from them then wouldn't it be a little kind to ourself which we all deserve?" I didn't know if she understood what I meant but she didn't interrupt or say anything so I kept going. "Also, I do feel nobody should go away without experiencing their share of happiness, their miracle."

"Miracle?" I could hear the confusion in her voice and that made me chuckle.

"My grandmother used to say that one day you'll realise that waiting does get rewarded, why not giving up was the right choice you made. There will come a moment which will sweep you off your feet and make you feel grateful for surviving, everything you've endured till that moment will hurt you less because that moment will fill you with emotions that you've never felt before, happiness that you didn't even think was ever yours to belong. You'll meet someone who'll take away your breath in the most exhilarating way possible, colour you with feelings that make you forget all your suffering. That person, that moment of realisation will be your miracle and it's beautiful and it's worth it. If nothing then live your life for that. Live to experience that because good people deserve beautiful things."

I had never shared these words with anyone not because I found them cheesy or girly but because they were special to me. My grandmother had said those words to me and it had always been close to my heart ever since. Everytime I felt low, her words used to motivate me, make me smile, make me realise that that moment is still waiting. I was possessive of what she had told me as if it was a secret meant to be buried in my heart safely forever. But right now, her words seem to be the most perfect thing I could say. And strangely, I don't feel possesive about sharing them with someone who I didn't know until a few minutes before, whose face I yet haven't seen, whose name I don't know and still everything feels right. As if the words belong right here, as if it was meant to be, as if it was meant to be heard by her. As if me, the girl and the words were forming a symphony of their own.

I don't know what response I was expecting from her but she didn't speak for a while as if absorbing the words I enunciated to her.

"Have you.... experienced your miracle?" She asked carefully as if she was worried that she would be judged to even be considering this whole abstract idea when ironically, I was relieved.

"Not yet." The answer was negative but my voice was hopeful. To not make her feel dejected, I added, "but the hope keeps me going."

"And it's okay to fool yourself?" There was no condescending in her voice. She was genuinely curious.

"Hoping for good things isn't a bad thing. If you can allow negative things to claw at you constantly, allow them to make a home within you, then why isn't it okay to invite hope and harbour it!?" I countered back.

"Thanks for the Ted Talk." She said in response and turned to her left and started walking away. It was abrupt and unexpected.

"Hey! I didn't catch your name." I called from behind. I had a whole thought provoking conversation with someone whose name I didn't know, whose face I didn't see. Thinking about this feels so stupid.

She stopped but didn't turn back leaving me to continue to look at her long black hair tied in a half ponytail. "What's in a name?" Her voice was laced in humour, something different than all the serious emotions that I'd heard all this while from her. It sounded good. And it made me feel good. No annoyance, bitterness or sadness. It suited her. I didn't feel stupid about this whole ordeal anymore.

"Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not a fan of Shakespeare." I shouted from behind as she had started walking again.

"Not my issue." She shouted back and I could hear a small laugh as she said that.

I watched till she disappeared from my sight. Well, that was one memorable encounter. Bizzare but still memorable. I leaned against the tree and rested my head back when my phone rang.

My brother.

I sighed and picked up the call.

"Where the hell did you go?" He barked into the phone.

"I'll be there in five minutes." I replied softly and heard him sigh on the other side.

"Okay. We're waiting."

"Yeah." I disconnected the call. I had almost turned around when something caught my attention.

I walked over to the spot where the anonymous stranger was standing sometime ago and glanced at the object of interest lying on the ground.

A diary.

I picked it up and moved few steps back. It was a simple diary. Pitch black colour cover with little stars scattered over them. In the centre, there was "me" written alongwith a heart below it. It was a personal diary although there was no lock to it and I was almost sure that it belonged to the same stranger. I fidgeted as to what to do. I didn't even know her name. I decided to just skim through the pages to see if something about her was mentioned that could be helpful to return it to her. I went through the diary twice just sparing a quick glance but unfortunately didn't find any name on any page. There were short descriptions of I don't know what but I didn't find any name or number. I closed the diary and glanced at the direction in which she had walked earlier. Would I be able to find her if I try to search her? Was I too late?

My phone rang and I took it out of my jeans pocket. My brother again. There was no way I could try to search her right now. I couldn't even hand it over to anyone since there was no name on it and what is the guarantee that it will reach her? Maybe it isn't the right choice but at this moment, I couldn't think of a better option than keeping the diary with myself.

Quickly messaging my brother that I was almost there, I left the place with my fingers secured around the diary and with the hope that I may soon be able to meet the mysterious stranger again and hand over what rightly belonged to her.

Soon, very soon I hope.

***

I'm not much impressed by myself when I write chapters from character's pov and that's the same case here. Sorry if the prologue was underwhelming :( hope everyone is fine and doing well physically, mentally as well as emotionally. And if not, may things get better for you soon. Lots of love ♡

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