Chapter 11. Hope

🎶 Palat Meri Jaan

Published on 22.05.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

Inaaya,

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me what I've been missing these days because I'd been too busy to cater to others expectations, too occupied thinking of what others would be thinking about me that I realise I've missed myself. I've been negative, scared, worried and everything that's not usually me. Yes, I'm nervous, introvert, shy, under confident and everything you would like to say to describe me but I'm also full of hope. Hope that keeps me happy, hope that keeps me going. I look forward to tomorrows not because I know it's going to be better than today but I hope it does. It's a nice feeling, you know? So I'm grateful to you to remind me of myself. I don't expect people to make me happy. It's disappointing. So I create my own happiness by little things even if it seems the silliest and stupidest so if you think that you were stupid or embarrassing yesterday when you blabbered things which didn't make much sense then let me assure you that I'm worse than you.

I believe in goodness. I always feel people are the way they're for a reason. There's always something good about them, you just need to notice. Someone helping a blind cross the road even when they're having a bad day or simply giving their food to the hungry although they're tired and starving or just offering words of comfort to the one who needs it even when they would like to hear it themselves. It's warm and beautiful and kind. But I've rarely been on the receiving end of that goodness, that kindness. Not that I'm complaining because neither have I asked for it nor do I usually show that I need it. So I guess it took me time to identify the kindness you bestowed upon me everytime you made an effort to make me feel better, make me feel comfortable. It was strange because you don't owe me anything neither did I give you reasons to be nice to me. Yet you've been a bigger person than I could ever be, it's rare and I hope you never let this quality of you fade away for anyone.

I'd stayed awake the whole night sitting by the window, watching the sky, squinting at the moon because it reminded me of myself. Don't mind me but I actually love to be awake when the world sleeps and find comfort in the blanket of my thoughts. It's peaceful and liberating. Anyways, coming back to the main point. I feel like I'm resembling the moon cloaking behind the clouds while the sun's light try to push me, bring me to the forefront so that I could shine too. You're the sun; persistent and patient, giving and forgiving. And I'm sorry for being stubborn and unthoughtful, afraid and absorbed.

The cafe incident. I didn't speak up because I wanted to help that guy. I know this sounds pathetic but it's true. You thought it was brave but I think it was cowardly. I just wanted to leave from that place. But I couldn't. I couldn't when you were there. It felt betraying to even think of leaving you alone and chose my own comfort. How could I ditch someone who was with me and run away? Maybe if you were a stranger, it wouldn't have mattered. But you weren't. So I did what I thought was the easiest. It wasn't brave. It was rash and impulsive and selfish and miserable. The more I think about it, the more I feel guilty and the more I feel guilty, the more I realise that I'll never be able to break my own walls. I don't know what you would think about me after reading this but I think I owe you this honesty. I feel better writing this to you, feels like a weight has been lifted; atleast some of it.

I hope you don't feel weirded out after reading this letter and if you feel then please just delete this letter from your memory, tear it, throw it and forget I ever gave you this. There's so much I've said and there's so much more truth I wish to say but I think I'll stop here. I wouldn't even be able to say ten percent of what I expressed by writing to you but it feels lighter to just put it down here on this piece of paper. I swear to god, the person who's writing this and the person you meet and will meet seem to have two different contrasting personalities. It's difficult to accept that they're one and the same but I think you can adjust. After all, I'm serving variety, ain't I?

Just hope that the next time we meet, there's no awkwardness, no thoughts, no judgements so that we can start afresh and this time, I want to be the one taking initiative. Wish me luck.

I really should stop here. Let's forget I ever wrote this childish letter to you. I was just being emotional. You can laugh all you want but please don't bring this letter up when we meet next time. It would be really awkward for me. Okay, I'm again losing control over myself. Sorry and thanks.

May you dream of kindness.

Shy and nervous,

Ayansh Mehra.

🥀

Inaaya had a smile on her face when she completed reading the letter. Her eyes were moist. She kept staring at the letter, a chuckle escaping her lips reading the last part "shy and nervous". It was so him yet it wasn't. She appreciated it, she appreciated him. He wrote that he finds comfort in the blanket of his thoughts; how much she wished she could tell him that right now it was the blanket of his words that comforted her.

She wasn't completely okay but she was better. He said she was the sun but right now she felt like a kid trying to see the moon peeking in through the clouds and when she was able to witness the light, she felt content. He seemed so much like light and she wants to absorb it as much as she could.

Sometimes, it's the simplest things that make the most impact. You don't need grand gestures but thoughtful ones. She hasn't been at her best behaviour with him to be honest and yet he choose to focus only on her good parts. She wished she could tell how grateful she was to him. Who would've thought that a piece of paper with negligible weight would be able to protect her from her own heavy thoughts and cruelty.

May you dream of kindness.

Her dream wasn't kind to her but her reality strangely was so she embraced it. Taking a pen out of her drawer and tearing a white page from her book, she spent the rest of the night writing a letter.

~

The next day, Saturday, Ayansh was asked by one of the group member if he could come to the college since they all felt like they needed a little guidance and approval. Since he didn't have to go for work that day, he agreed.

When Ayansh came to the hall where they were working on the project, he felt a little jittery about how to face Inaaya despite saying that he wanted to take the initiative. It's easier said than done and he couldn't emphasise on it more at the moment. Inaaya was already waiting at the door for him.

She looked at him, giving him the opportunity to take the initiative. He again felt tongue-tied and watching him, Inaaya wanted to laugh. This feels so much like him, so much normal. She let a smile slip on her face as she forwarded her hand that held the envelope.

"For you," she said simply as he gazed at the envelope in confusion and took it from her. The rest of the students started arriving so without any more words, she took her place.

All the while, his gaze follows her. He watches her with curious eyes while she's immersed in the work. He takes his place with one of the student and gets started on the task at hand but his eyes keep looking out for her, trying to decipher something, anything. Like the moon, he keeps peeking at her sneakily, unconsciously.

And then there's a moment where he finds it impossible to blink, to move, to avert his gaze. She lets her hair secured by the elastic band fall free, gathers them in her hands and then tucks them into an unkempt bun, some loose and short strands of hair framing her face. The girl beside her says something and that makes her laugh a little. She doesn't look her best neither is she having a great time, he can say that. Her eyes look weary and puffy, her face is pale yet she looks calm and content and collected. There's this insane amount of strength and resilience that makes him admire her, respect her. If someone looked through his eyes then they could see and agree that she looks the most beautiful in this moment.

The setting sun casts an orange glow on her porcelain skin and it's breathtaking because she reminds him of hope. Hope in the darkest of times. It's deliberate and mischievous how the sun chooses her amidst all the people and slips in its ray through the windows just to make her shine when she doesn't feel like. While she stays oblivious to the mercy of fate, it's little effort to make her feel better. It's a bittersweet thing to witness.

As if feeling the change, she raises her head to express her gratitude towards the kindness that warmed her only to find his gentle eyes on her. She narrows her eyes a little in confusion and then smiles at him. He smiles back and she resumes her work. He feels a tinge of guilt for stealing someone's credit. He looks outside as the orange glow dim a little ,as if envious of him being the lucky one to receive her soft smile. But he's selfish so he doesn't let the guilt claw at him and stares at her again. It's an achingly beautiful sight but seems like someone resentful towards him for being the one cherishing it, snatches it away.

"I think yellow will look good."

And with that Ayansh's trance is broken. The guy beside him speaks up and reluctantly he deters his head to pay attention to something that he feels so irrelevant although it's important.

***

Short chapter :( I don't like the chapter but I also like it. I'm not satisfied but then there's something warm about the chapter that doesn't make me want to edit or make changes in it. It's confounding lol. Do give in your reviews and lots of love to everyone :)

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