Chapter 61: Forgetting You Was Never a Choice

ELAINE

I was tucked away in the shadows of the curtains, watching as everyone said their goodbyes to Connor. They were all smiles and hugs, while I was stuck in a battle with myself, trying not to break down and beg him to stay.

The courage I’d always prided myself on seemed to have disappeared since I came back. Not because I was scared, but because everything the Goddess had told me was true.

Connor and I were no longer bound to each other. We were both free. It was what we’d wanted from the beginning.

Thinking back to the night we’d agreed on our wild plan to break our chains, I remembered something else—the first time I met Connor.

It was odd to think back on it, but I couldn’t help it. I’d been drawn to him from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I just never gave it much thought, not until we started spending more time together.

With a sigh, I closed my eyes. Since I’d returned from the temple two days ago, no one had asked me where I’d been.

I wasn’t planning on telling them anyway, since it was a private matter. But I could sense their curiosity from a distance, especially Connor’s. He’d been keeping his distance from me.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been tempted to storm into his room the past two nights and beg him to stay, to ask him if he’d ever come back. But that would have been too much.

He deserved his freedom, especially since everything that had happened was my fault.

When I opened my eyes again, I found Connor looking back at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly turned away.

I hugged myself, trying to keep my body from shaking with the pain and heartache I felt. Inside me, Ashina was still, and I didn’t know why.

***

“You’ll need to sign this too,” the general said, handing me a stack of folders. “I’ll give this to our intermediary.”

“I need a different assistant,” I said, making him smile. “You have your own duties.”

“And serving ~you~ is one of them,” he replied with a smile. I rolled my eyes and got back to work.

It had been a month since I’d taken on my duties as the new lycan queen of the pack, whose name I still hadn’t changed.

My desk was a mess. I didn’t have an assistant or anyone else to help me. The general was kind enough to lend a hand, but it felt like a waste.

He had his own role in this pack, which was to train the members.

All the lycans were thrilled that I’d finally accepted my position, especially my brothers, who were now split between my pack and Black Rose.

Jyn had finally been crowned king of the pack with his mate, Victoria, and Blaze had become the new beta. Regulus had stayed on as my beta and now lived with me.

Arye split his time between the two packs, helping with whatever duties Jyn or I needed assistance with.

Peace had finally arrived, bringing a lot of changes with it, including my father’s death. I was still trying to process what had happened when I returned to Black Rose because the Goddess had summoned me.

I’d expected his punishment to come soon, but it was still a shock, especially since I was still dealing with Connor’s absence in my life.

My father’s death was quick and attended only by family members.

He’d been stripped of his wolf and then killed by the Goddess, who showed no mercy for what he’d done, just as he’d shown none to my mother, who’d suffered.

I’d hoped he would at least say something before he died, but he didn’t even look our way once, leaving my brothers in an even worse state.

Once that was settled, I’d taken my time to pack up my things and leave Connor’s belongings back in his old home, where his mother was staying, before returning to the city.

She’d lost everything. Sorin was dead. Her mate had left for another pack. And Connor had disappeared without telling anyone where he was.

But before she left, she sat down with me for a friendly chat about my mother.

I finally understood all the hardships she’d gone through, all the trouble she’d had with Enora, and how much she’d longed to be free from her control.

We both took our time reading through her diary as well. It even mentioned my birth, where my father wasn’t present because he knew I was going to be a girl.

She wrote that by giving birth to me, she knew I’d inherited her lycan and none of my brothers had.

I wasn’t surprised. Only women inherited it, and if I ever had pups, they might inherit it too. But now that seemed like a silly dream that might never come true.

“Elaine?” a voice said, pulling me from my thoughts. I blinked and looked up from the paper I was holding to see the general. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” I said, forcing a smile. I finished signing the remaining documents.

Pushing all the thoughts away, I focused back on my work and let the day proceed as it had since I started performing my duties as a queen—with a lot of paperwork, coffee, and a nice bath before bed.

***

“Patrol is scouting the area, Elaine. Should we head straight for Black Rose?”

“Yes,” I said, stopping in my tracks. “But you guys go ahead. I’ll catch up in a moment.”

I could feel Regulus’s eyes on me as the other fifteen lycans rushed past me and headed straight for Black Rose.

With one last look, Regulus sprinted away, following the rest of the pack.

I shifted back, my gear wrapped around my body as I walked up to the cliff where the river flowed noisily.

It was strange to be back after so long, taking my time to appreciate a scene I’d once visited daily.

A smile tugged at my lips as I stepped closer to the edge and looked down.

A memory replayed in my mind. It was the same cliff where Connor had tried to tackle me the first night we’d shifted and introduced our lycans.

He’d lost control and tried to kill me, but I’d outsmarted him by making him fall from the cliff into the river.

It felt like a lifetime ago, but the memory was still fresh in my mind. With a sigh, I squatted down, picked up a pebble, and threw it into the river below.

I stood back up and dusted my hands on my pants. A warm breeze blew, ruffling my hair, which was longer than usual.

With a stretch, I turned and jogged the rest of the way to the pack.

***

“Looks like things haven’t changed much,” I said, grinning as I approached my brothers. They were huddled around my little nephew.

“We didn’t think you’d come back,” Blaze said. I knelt down and tousled my nephew’s hair.

“Had to make a pit stop,” I said, shrugging. I handed the boy a piece of candy. “Been a while since I visited.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Jyn said, sounding a bit annoyed. We watched as our nephew scampered off with the other young ones from the pack.

“He’s really grown,” Regulus said, grinning.

“Yeah, it’s been what, three years?” Jyn laughed. “They grow up so fast.”

I could feel his gaze on me as he spoke. They were all still wary of me, of my pain, because I’d isolated myself within my pack.

I couldn’t blame them. Even the Goddess who once despised me had visited twice in the last three years, wondering why I hadn’t visited Black Rose.

But I didn’t feel the need. I felt at home and had no desire to be involved with Black Rose. I spent most of my time training with my pack members and traveling to the cities.

My brothers felt the need to visit me weekly, which I didn’t mind.

Their visits usually brought a spark of excitement to my pack, especially when Arye held small tournaments with other pack members.

“Did all the packs get invited?” I asked, looking around. A few of the pack members I used to train with were staring at me, making me more aware of how they saw me now.

“Everyone’s welcome, and now that I’ve opened the gates to anyone, there’s no problem finding mates,” Jyn said as we walked toward the arena.

“Having this tournament helps too. You know they used to hold it every ten years, but now it’s every three years. Makes things more interesting.”

“This is the first tournament, though,” I said, keeping pace with him. Regulus and Blaze had wandered off somewhere, and a group of girls had cornered Arye.

I shook my head, smiling as I watched them.

“Thanks for coming. It means a lot,” Jyn said. “I know you’ve been keeping your distance, but having you here feels different somehow.”

I stopped walking and looked at him. He seemed unsure as he turned to face me.

“I’m okay, Jyn,” I said, keeping my face neutral. He studied my face, as if I held the answer to whatever was on his mind.

“You don’t seem okay,” he whispered. I forced a smile, clenching my fists.

“Well, I am. I have been. Now, where do I sign up?”

Jyn shook his head, then led me to the registration table.

***

“Damn it!” my opponent cursed. I smiled at him, then kicked him in the stomach.

“WINNER: QUEEN ELAINE WOODS, FROM THE AURORA PACK!”

“Way to go!” Blaze shouted from the sidelines. I felt like rolling my eyes, but I just smiled instead.

I jumped down from the platform and walked over to him. He handed me a bottle of water.

“I heard there are different winners from other packs?” I asked, taking a sip of water.

“A few. Yuki is one,” Blaze laughed. “Although he got his ass kicked in the first round.”

“Oh, did someone get old?” I teased.

“Who the fuck got old?” Yuki’s voice came from behind me. “Those lycans from your pack have been kicking ass all over the arenas.”

“Is your broken nose proof of that?” I asked as he hugged me.

“It’s been a while, baby girl,” he said, giving me a bear hug.

“Same here. Where’ve you been?”

“Around. Everywhere.” Yuki shrugged and greeted Blaze. “Been busy with the pack. How about you, ~my queen~? Everything going smoothly?”

We both sat down as Blaze handed him some tissues.

“Yeah, things are back to normal in the pack. No more barren lands. We’ve rebuilt the pack with new houses and new technology. Stuff like that.” I shrugged.

“And you?” Yuki asked, making me tense up. I slowly looked up at him.

“Are you okay?”

I blinked back sudden tears.

“Yes,” I said, my voice choked. “I’m okay.”

Yuki and Blaze exchanged a glance, making me sigh.

“I’m okay,” I insisted. “It’s time you all stopped worrying about me. I’ve moved on.”

Blaze squeezed my shoulder and walked away, leaving Yuki and me alone.

Yuki took my hands, holding them in a comforting way that only made me feel worse.

“Want to go for a run?” he asked, knowing I was upset.

I jerked my head up and stood.

“No.” I cleared my throat, then smiled down at him. “I have another fight. Let’s go, I don’t want to be late.”

***

“Get up Elaine!”

“Yeah, get up and kick his ass!”

“Shut up!” I yelled from across the platform, where I was pinned down by the general from my pack.

“Everyone seems surprised that I’ve got you pinned,” he laughed, holding me down.

“Yeah, but I won’t admit you’re faster than me. I’m just distracted,” I admitted.

He laughed, giving me the opening I needed. I wrapped my legs around his waist and flipped us over.

Now I was on top, pinning him so he couldn’t move.

I punched him in the face, and he growled and tried to claw at me. I smirked, knowing I’d caught him off guard and that it was really pissing him off.

I punched him hard in the face and backed off, grabbing his ankle and yanking him until he was flying through the air. He crashed into the huge wall where my brother and his mate were sitting.

I spat to the side, then stalked toward him. The general shifted and tackled me.

We slid across the platform. My back burned from the friction against the concrete.

Why on earth did Jyn think it was a good idea to replace the wooden platforms with concrete ones? They were even worse than getting slammed against wood.

Even with my healing abilities, the pain was still there.

~“Jyn, we need to talk.”~ I mind-linked him, noticing him bounce in his seat.

As I defended myself, the general bit into my arm. Despite the blood and pain, I reached for his ribs and squeezed, causing him to back off.

My nails grew longer and sharper, sinking into his flesh. With a swift move, I rolled under him and pushed myself up, flipping him over. A final blow to his head left him unconscious.

Excited howls echoed around the arena as the general went limp in my hands.

I rolled my aching arm, feeling the wound heal. Without wasting any more time, I left the platform.

Cheers erupted as I descended the stairs.

“That was a tough one,” Regulus chuckled.

“I’m definitely going to get my ass kicked when we get back to the pack.” I gave a sheepish smile.

The general wasn’t just the strongest member of the pack, he was also my mom’s former teacher. This knowledge gave me a new perspective on how lycans trained compared to wolves.

The difference was so stark that despite my strength, I realized I had a lot to learn. Asking him to train me was the best decision I ever made.

He didn’t hesitate to accept me as his student, and I felt a sense of duty to make him proud.

I was still young, after all. Every bit of training and knowledge would be invaluable when it came time to fight a war.

“You okay? You keep rubbing your chest.” Regulus frowned, and I nodded in response.

“Who’s next?” I asked, scanning the crowd. Pack members were coming and going from the arena, some grabbing food, others heading to another arena where a different fight was taking place.

The crowd was so large it made me smile.

Never in Black Rose had we seen such a massive gathering of wolves and lycans. It was a sight that filled me with joy.

Feeling a wave of nostalgia, I picked up my towel.

“I’ll be back,” I announced, making my way through the crowd.

***

“That’ll be ten dollars.”

“Keep the change.” I smiled, grabbing my bag of food. The scent of bread and fruit made my stomach growl.

It had been two days since my last meal. No one knew, not even my brother, who spent most of his time with me.

I had been skipping meals, feeling anxious about returning to this place. All I had were memories, some too fresh to revisit.

I climbed the stairs to the castle, greeted by a few warriors along the way.

I had fifteen minutes before my next fight, just enough time to eat and change into fresh gear.

The general had torn my current gear during our fight, and I felt grimy.

A queen shouldn’t be walking around covered in blood and dirt. I knew my people wouldn’t mind, but the other wolves might.

I could still sense some hesitation towards me, even after I had apologized to everyone a year ago.

Years had passed since everything happened, but the memories were hard to forget. I understood if they never felt the need to forgive or accept me.

I didn’t belong here. I was never part of this pack.

Entering my bedroom, I closed the doors and tossed the bag onto the bed.

I quickly changed out of my gear. As I was pulling off my pants, I paused. My eyes drifted to my reflection, and I saw the old scars from back then.

Not even my lycan blood could heal them. And I didn’t mind. They were a constant reminder of who I used to be, of all the foolish things I did out of selfishness and greed.

With a sigh, I discarded my pants and reached for the white gear I had set aside for something special.

I zipped it up and turned. My hair looked blood-red against my pale skin and gear. It gave me a celestial look that I was sure would amuse the Goddess.

Feeling ready, I turned back and grabbed my bag, searching for one of the delicious berry breads.

I made my way back down, hearing excited howls from the arena I had left earlier. It meant the fight before mine had ended, and now it was my turn.

Biting into the last piece of bread, I jogged into the arena and towards my brothers.

Yuki had joined us, along with two of my pack members. They all waved as I approached.

“Well, you look beautiful in that,” Blaze said, spinning me around. I rolled my eyes as the others laughed.

“It’s not the first time you’ve seen me in gear,” I groaned.

“Yes, but usually it’s black. This is the first time you’ve worn something white,” Regulus shrugged. “You still look lovely.”

I thanked him shyly and handed him the snack bag. Everyone started digging in, giving me a moment to breathe.

I stretched and rolled my shoulders, then felt an arm wrap around my waist.

“Yuki!” I warned.

“No matter what, we will always be there for you,” he whispered, kissing my cheek. I turned to ask him what he meant, but he had already let go and turned away.

Confused, I shrugged and bounded up the stairs to the platform.

I started stretching, noticing a man in a cloak. His gear was as blue as the ocean, deep and mysteriously cold, leaving you wondering what lurked beneath.

I dismissed him, assuming he was someone from the pack.

The next fight was announced, and I moved to the center. My opponent did the same.

We stood face-to-face in an eerie silence. I glanced at the suddenly quiet crowd, wondering what was going on.

“THIS FIGHT WAS ISSUED BY THE ALPHA KING. WITH NOTHING MORE TO SAY, LET’S START THE FIGHT!”

My head snapped to the side as I tried to mind-link Jyn for answers, but before I could, a shadow moved out of my line of sight, leaving me open to an attack.

I jumped to the side as I felt him behind me.

I muttered under my breath as I dodged his claws. But I was a second too late, and he clawed my hand.

I slid across the platform, looking down at the blood smears, then slowly raised an eyebrow at him.

For the first time in the tournament, Ashina stood on alert inside my head.

She was fidgety, and I couldn’t figure out why.

I shook off the feeling and lunged. My claws extended, aiming for his chest, but he caught my wrist, twisting it behind me.

I swallowed the pain.

He yanked me back, and I crashed into his warm chest. A low rumble from him sent a delicious shiver through me.

I tried to kick him from behind, but he spun me around and forced me to the ground.

The impact jarred me, then his warm body was pressing against mine. My eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re not as good as you used to be,” a voice I knew all too well murmured. “Have you really changed that much over the years?”

I blinked, staring at the figure. His face was hidden by his cloak.

Something was off. I pushed him with my legs, flipping us over. I raised my fist to punch him, but his hood fell back and my arm went limp.

“Connor?” I gasped, staring into his golden eyes. A soft smile played on his lips.

“Hey, beautiful.” His smile made my strength drain away. All the emotions I’d been holding back came rushing out.

I broke down, tears splashing onto his face.

“Is it really ~you~?” I whispered, and he brushed a tear away with his thumb.

“Yes,” he replied, sitting up. “Hello, Elaine.”

A sob escaped me, and I threw my arms around him, hugging him so tightly I was afraid I might suffocate him.

Connor slowly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer than I thought possible.

“It’s really you…,” I sobbed, burying my face in his neck. “It’s really you!”

Cheers erupted around us, reminding me of where we were. I tried to pull away, embarrassed, but Connor held me close.

“Elaine…,” he said, looking into my eyes.

Overwhelmed, I hid my face in his neck and cried. I couldn’t believe he was here, with me, fighting like we used to.

“I’ve missed you…,” I choked out, holding him tight. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder.

“And I’ve missed you, Elaine. More than you can imagine.”

I smiled and let him hold me as long as he wanted. Nothing felt more perfect than this moment with him.

***

We lay in bed, a tangle of limbs, with only a sheet between us.

After Connor whisked me away from the fight, we’d ended up at his old home.

We’d barely made it through the door before we were kissing and tearing at each other’s clothes, desperate for release.

I’d never felt so vulnerable and weak as I did with him. It was both thrilling and terrifying, and I couldn’t shake the feeling.

“Hey,” Connor whispered, tracing small circles on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

I lifted my head to look at him, really look at him.

“How did you do it?” I asked, knowing we needed to talk. “How did you get your voice back…”

Connor shifted to the side, pulling me closer. His hair was shorter now, accentuating his masculine features.

I reached up to touch his face. His eyes were so golden they seemed to glow. They were clear, free of fear and worry. I felt strange next to him.

Was this really the Connor I knew?

“Hey, look at me,” he said, tilting my chin up. “Stop thinking like that.”

“What?”

“You’re frowning,” he said, touching the space between my eyebrows. “Whatever you’re thinking, let it go.”

I pushed away from him, sitting up.

“You left me, Connor,” I stammered. “I… I didn’t know if you were ever coming back. I…”

“I’m back,” he said firmly, sitting up. “I know I left without explaining, but I had to. Not just for me, but for us.”

I looked up at him.

“The day you left to kill Enora, I went to the temple,” Connor said, taking my hands.

“I asked the Goddess for help. I know it sounds crazy, but I had to try. It was something I had to do on my own, just like you had to fight your own battles without me.

“I had my own demons to deal with, and getting my voice back was one of them. Not just because I wanted to speak again, but because I saw how guilty you felt about what happened.

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t ~anyone’s~ fault.” He leaned in to kiss my hands. “Being here with you, talking like we used to, is all I ever wanted.

“And forgetting you was never an option, not when I still love you…”

“Connor…”

He smiled.

“We’ve both come a long way. We’ve faced risks and challenges, and we’ve grown and changed. I learned a lot from what I went through.”

“And what was that?” I whispered. He smiled.

“I learned how to forgive and forget. Spending all that time in the ancient temple taught me that life is full of risks, challenges, and rewards.

“Do you think it was easy for me to leave you?”

I shrugged, feeling dejected.

“No, Elaine.” Connor lifted my chin. “Being away from you was my punishment, but I had to learn that our love is stronger than anything we’ve faced.

“No matter how long I had to wait, I knew I would come back to you and you would still love me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I smiled.

“I love you.”

“Then would you…” He paused, and I looked up at him. His eyes were a mix of gold and black. “Would you marry me?”

A smile spread across my face as I threw my arms around him.

“We’re already married, you dummy,” I said, hugging him.

“Yes, but not the way we should be,” he whispered, pulling back to look at me. “Our bond.”

“Can we get it back?” My voice shook as I asked the question. “Is it even possible?”

“Wanna find out?” Connor’s smirk was infectious as he pulled me down with him.

I stared at him, wide-eyed. His hair had fallen over his forehead, casting his eyes in shadow.

“There’s nothing I want more than to reclaim what we’ve lost.

"But,” I added, my fingers gently tracing his face, “even without the bond, I’ve always loved you. And I’ll keep loving you until the end of time, ~my mate~.”

Slowly, Connor leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft, warm kiss that brought fresh tears to my eyes.

He moved his lips down my jawline, stopping at my neck. I tensed up, and he chuckled.

“If you’re ready, I want to mark you.” His words made me relax, and I tilted my neck to give him better access.

“Yes, mark me, Connor.” After a gentle kiss on my lips, I felt his canines, then the sharp pain as he marked me once more.

The connection we’d lost sparked back to life, coursing through our bodies as our lycans merged into one again. Overwhelmed, I sobbed into his shoulder.

Connor licked the mating mark, pulling us into another embrace. I rested on his chest, his loving kiss on my temple soothing me.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked. I shook my head, smiling because for the first time, I felt whole.

“Thank you,” I managed to say through my tears.

“For what?” he asked.

“For never giving up on me…”

“And for loving you from the start?” he whispered, bringing a smile to my face.

“Yes, for that.” I sniffled.

“I’m home, my love,” he said, leaning in for another kiss.

Greed and power had turned us against each other, but at the heart of it all, it was a matter of love. We fall, we rise, and we grow from the lessons life teaches us.

How foolish we were to think things were so simple when we had nothing. Now we had everything, and I was greedy to keep it until the end of time.

“Yes,” I cried out as he pressed his body against mine, making love to me throughout the night. “~You’re finally home~.”

^The End^