I Hate Myself For This

Soren

I’ve never slept so well in my fucking life. It felt like part of me had come home. Her body against mine felt so perfect.

I stay in my state of bliss, sound asleep, until a noise I shouldn’t be hearing fills my eardrums.

Pain.

Small whimpers of pain are being cried out next to me. My eyes bolt open as another cry burns through her vocal cords, and that’s when I see it:

My beautiful mate sprawled out with her chest levitating in the air as my wolf tries taking her soul.

The screams of pain are my unconscious mate crying out for me to save her. Pulling my wolf back in, I jump off the bed.

I slam myself against the wall in a panicked state. The loud thump my body makes has Zayla waking up startled. Her eyes are watching me in horror as she takes in the horrified look on my face.

“Soren, what’s wrong?” Her voice is uncertain and slightly scared.

Fuck, it should be! I almost killed her.

~I almost killed her.~

The knowledge slams around my head over and over again like a bullet ricocheting around a crowded room.

I almost fucking took Zayla’s life! What the fuck is wrong with me!

My stupid fucking wolf almost took her life from her. What the fuck am I going to do? I shouldn’t have done this. She doesn’t deserve this. She deserves to live.

What in the fuck is wrong with me! I was so fucking selfish to believe I could have her.

She gets off the bed unsurely. Her gestures are slow and her features hold worry. It’s like she can feel I’m withdrawing from her. It’s almost like she can taste my panic.

“Soren, baby, what’s wrong?”

I whimper out at the pet name. My whole body fucking hurts as I fight everything in myself to touch her.

I’ve wanted her for so long, and the day I get her I almost kill her. It feels like my heart is breaking in my chest—shattering into a million pieces.

I always knew her mortal life would be in danger with me; it’s why I stayed away from her.

But my wolf saved her last night. He protected her. His behavior gave me a false sense of security. He made me feel like he was going to keep her safe.

If I had known he was waiting for me to drop my guard, I wouldn’t have stayed. I would have left after she passed out. Slept in the forest.

But no! He assured me that he wasn’t going to harm her.

But really he just wasn’t going to harm her in front of me.

Feeling her fingers softly wiping under my eye, I realize I’m actually crying. The disappointment in myself, and the heartbreak for what I’m about to do, is overwhelming every single one of my emotions.

“Soren, what’s wrong? Please tell me.” Her voice is so soft. So fucking beautiful, just like she is.

I can’t stop the whimpers that continue to leave my throat as she speaks to me. Looking up at the ceiling, I try to rein in my emotions.

“We can’t do this, Zayla.”

Her warm body that’s wrapped around me tenses to rigidity. “What? Why?”

I try to keep my voice still and even, but it doesn’t work. Every word cracks as I force myself to say what I know I need to, but fucking kill me before I say I want to!

“Do you know what just happened? My wolf just tried to take your soul!”

Locking those beautiful blue eyes on mine, she says, “Let him.”

“What!?” I’m positively flabbergasted.

She did not just fucking say that…right? I stand there hoping I heard her wrong, praying that my wolf is getting excited for another reason and not because she just fucking agreed with him.

Grabbing hold of my chin as I try to look away from her, she keeps her eyes dead-locked on mine.

“Let him take my soul, Soren. I don’t want it without you.”

Feeling myself start to crumble at her will, I wiggle out of her hold, walking slightly away from her. Having her hands on my body is distracting—it calms me down and buries my worry.

“No! That soul isn’t just yours, Zayla! It’s your wolf’s soul too. I could never take her away from you. I could never end your life!”

It seems that her touch on my skin wasn’t only calming me down. Her face breaks once my body claims its spot on the opposite side of the room.

Sadness flashes across her face, but she holds her head high and steady. “I will never want anyone but you! What about that don’t you understand?”

“Me and you can’t be together, Zayla. You’re in danger with me. I let myself forget that and I can’t do that to you.”

Pissed.

That’s all I can see on her face as I allow my weak thoughts to spew from my mouth.

“It’s my fucking decision, Soren. And I want you!”

A defeated sigh leaves her lips when I stand still. “I love you. Do you not feel the same?”

There’s so much I want to say. So much I wish I could just take back about this morning already, but I know I can’t. I have to say this.

“Of course I fucking love you! I love you so much, and that’s why I can’t do this. I can’t be who I am and have you be mortal. My wolf won’t let me.”

I watch in horror and heartbreak as tears start running down her beautiful face. The pain in my chest is radiating at a rate speed racers would be envious of.

“Please don’t cry. I don’t want this! Fuck, I hate this! But I refuse to let him hurt you.”

I can’t stop my feet as they drag me back in front of her, my arms locking her between them.

“I thought you were safe with me, that’s why I let it go as far as it did, but you’re not. You’re not safe with me, baby.”

A slow tear runs down my face into her hair. I wish she knew how much I hate this. How much I regret this. How much I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.

“I need you to be safe.”