Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Zayla

Mom and Dad are in the backyard when I come down, greeting everyone and talking pack activities with the families. My brothers and their mates make rounds as well. I can see them talking with a couple near their age as I step outside.

I copy their movements, greeting pack members with Paisley before getting food and taking my place at the table in front of my parents’.

I scan their table, my eyes staying longer on the twins interacting with their mates before dropping my gaze to my plate. I’m afraid I can’t hide the hurt look that takes over my face.

Paisley leans in and says, “Don’t worry. Everything will turn out all right.”

I smile gratefully, letting down my guard. It’s enough to let my Dad mind-link with me.

~“You look beautiful, pup.”~ My head pops up and I smile at him, my face lighting up.

I got so much from my dad. My features resemble those of my father’s mother more than my own mother.

I’ve always been one of those kids that look so much like their father that even if you questioned it, one look and you’d know instantly.

Movement out of the corner of my eye takes my attention away from my father and to his side. My oldest brother Draxel is standing up, clinking his glass.

I watch as my brother tells the pack about the future leader, a new pup he and his mate are going to be blessing the world with soon.

I want to be happy for them. But my head drops, longing etched into my features.

~“Are you okay, pup?”~ Dad sends me a quick mind-link, hoping I’ll allow him in. Instead I whisper to Paisley before standing up and quietly walking off.

~“Zayla?”~ Dad mind-links, me again.

~“I’m okay, Dad, I just need a minute.”~ My sad mind-link back turns my Dad’s mood somber. I can feel it through our connection.

I’m ruining everyone’s day. The only thing I can do is walk away and leave them to celebrate without me.

Leaving the pack barbecue, I run as fast as my human legs will carry me. My emotions have me all over the place, so transforming into my wolf is an impossible task.

The thought of Soren never showing his face, the idea of never having children of my own has me in another emotional tailspin.

I run for what feels like forever. My legs are shaky and my breath is labored, but I end up making it to a cliff not far from Soren’s house, and take a seat on the edge.

I sit silently in my sadness for what feels like forever, before eventually that sadness turns into rage.

Rage over the fact that every day I’ve had seemingly everyone in my life deciding that they know what’s best for me.

Rage over my mate deciding that staying away is what’s best for him, and yet he has the audacity to get so jealous that he marks me.

Rage over my brothers deciding that their values are more important than actually listening to their own sister and finding out what happened before becoming ashamed of me.

As if I’m abnormal, as if being marked by someone who isn’t your mate is a bad thing.

Yes, mates are important—to wolves they’re everything!

But that doesn’t stop free will and things happening. Mates die before meeting all the time. And considering you only ever get one, finding a chosen one isn’t uncommon.

So fuck them and their shame. I’m ashamed of them for being so close-minded after everything our mother went through.

I’m ashamed of them as future leaders if they aren’t even willing to accept that shit happens.

And more importantly, I’m ashamed of them for acting like they don’t know me at fucking all!

I just don’t understand why everyone around me gets to be happy and I don’t. Why does Soren get to hold my happiness in the shadows with him?

It’s not fair.

Scoffing at the directions my thoughts are going, I almost don’t hear the sound of a stick snapping behind me.

The sound is almost muffled but catches my attention just enough that I turn.

Right as a mangy wolf launches himself at me, snarling.