a life worth living

Tokyo Star Magazine | April Edition

"Taiwan Insider Spills News on Oikawa Tōru's Breakup With Nakamura Ainu"

Will Oikawa Tōru save his relationship with Nakamura Ainu? According to a friend and close acquaintance of the ex-fiances, most likely not. To cope with the breakup, Miss. Nakamura has been focusing on the new exhibitions she will be featuring at her Taiwan and Hong Kong galleries. Very recently, she stopped wearing the engagement ring, given to her by Oikawa during a weekend trip in January.

Oikawa Tōru has not been taking the breakup well. Rumors say he was the one who ended the relationship, but sources say he has been living an unstable lifestyle; he spends his nights drinking and clubbing. According to a close friend of Oikawa, he would get drunk and ask about a person named Iwaizumi Hajime. Oikawa has been spotted leaving with different women. Though the couple are amicable, Oikawa has since moved out of their shared apartment.

~

"Bokuto, why do you still read those celebrity magazines? They're all horribly written. Sometimes, I wonder if those journalists even use spell check."

I served him the drink, and Bokuto leaned against the counter and threw in some extra cash into my tip jar. Yamaguchi chuckled, "It's because he lives for the drama. Bokuto practically exists in his own soap opera."

"As his new roommate, I can attest to that," Kuroo added. He leaned against the chair with his peculiar smug.

"Okay, okay, everyone. You're right. I like the drama. What are you gonna do? Arrest me for it?"

"Well, is there anything interesting written in there?" Kuroo asked.

"This and that about our friend, the one and only Oikawa Tōru. I don't bother reading stuff about him anymore. These days, I just skip to the J-Pop section."

Sara peeked her head through the front door and winked at us: a signal that she would wait outside. "Shift's over for me, boys. Time to go home," I remarked.

"Headin' off with the girlfriend, I see?" Bokuto smirked.

"Not my girlfriend, and Sara would get offended if you keep calling her that."

"Whatever you say," he chimed back.

I threw a rag at Bokuto, and he threw it at Yamaguchi, who rolled his eyes and simply proceeded to take his customer's orders.

"Have fun! Use protection!" Kuroo shouted like a high school kid. I gave him the finger.

~

Sara and I sprinted home in the pouring rain.

"Funny. It was perfectly sunny just thirty minutes ago," she observed.

"What's that thing our grandmas say when they plant seeds in their garden? Oh, April showers bring May flowers. Yep, the weather in Tokyo has been rainy and unpredictable."

Shivering from the sudden cold, we hopped in a warm bath together. Sara rinsed her rain-smeared makeup, and I scrubbed my hair with the coconut-vanilla shampoo she brought over. We played with the soapy bubbles and covered our faces with a green mask.

"We look like aliens," she laughed. "God, I hope I go through a post-breakup glo-up very soon. I think I'll start dating again in the summer. I need to start looking cute for the future lovers."

"I think you're already beautiful."

"You're sweet." She dipped her hair in the bath and shot back up, splashing me in the eye with water. "Insecurities, man. One moment, you think you're hot shit, but then self-deprecating thoughts come out of nowhere, like a sneak attack, and BAM. Your mind is telling you that you look like a sack of beans."

I leaned over and poked her forehead and her cheeks and her nose. "Well, if you're a sack of beans... then, I'm a sack of potatoes."

"Potatoes are yummy. Very versatile too."

We splashed water onto our faces until we returned to our normal skin color. Sara got out of the bathtub, toweled herself dry, and slipped into my sweatshirt. She went into the kitchen to heat a kettle of tea while I stayed in the bath, enjoying the warm water for a little while longer.

Later that night, we made noodles and watched Chungking Express . Wong Kar-Wai was her favorite director, and whenever we watched a film of his, she would burst in an outpour of admiration. "He's brilliant! Just brilliant! I would move to Hong Kong just to pretend that I'm a character in this movie... Oh, and don't get me started on Faye Wong... Phew, what a cutie."

" Chungking Express was the best one yet. Don't you agree?"

"I love all of his movies. You can't make me decide on one, Iwaizumi. However, I would say that he does have a certain cinematic flare when it comes to—"

Sara's stream of thoughts was cut off by a firm knock on the door.

"Oh, it might be Bokuto," I whispered. "He said he might stop by later tonight."

"Oh okay, should I put on some pants?"

"It's just Bokuto. He doesn't care" I threw a blanket over her. "COME IN!"

There was a moment of strange silence. Then, the door slowly creaked open. I leaned over the couch to see if it was actually Bokuto. Could be Kuroo. Or even Yamaguchi. Instead, I caught his big brown eyes. His nervous smile. Trembling hands, clutching onto a bouquet of early spring wildflowers.

It can't be. He can't be back. No. No. No. He's gotten the wrong idea.

A look of agony appeared on his face.

"Hi. Sorry. I... I um—" his soft voice stuttered, "Fuck. Sorry for walking in on this. Ah, don't mind me... I'm going to head out now."

"No!" I shouted, but he shut the door. His footsteps echoed down the hall. Fuck. Fuck.

"Oh, no," Sara uttered. "I freaked him out, didn't I?"

"Don't say that... I wouldn't say that about you."

"Well, you should go."

"What?" I hesitated.

"You should chase after him. I would die to be in your shoes right now. If the person I loved showed up at my door with a whole thing of flowers, I would run to them... so go. We can talk tomorrow. Plus, I have some work to do at home." I looked at her, still in shock. "What are you waiting for, you big idiot? Wow, men are truly dumbass fools." She pushed me and waved goodbye.

I nodded and threw on my coat. I pressed the elevator button far too many times. Ah, shit. Not now, stupid elevator. And so, I sprinted down the endless flight of stairs. My footsteps were heavy and loud... or perhaps, it was the pounding of my heartbeat. It all happened so fast. For a moment, I thought I was asleep and spiraling into a surreal dream, but I saw him. He was real. And it was raining—like the movie scenes when the protagonist gets the girl... but at the same time, it wasn't. It was humid and soggy. Spring rain clung to my body like syrup. We were both bewildered and confused. It was so close to being the perfect movie scene, but it simply wasn't, and so, I was drowning in what felt like agony.

My heart and clothes felt heavy in this stifling storm. Oikawa stared at me as I approached him.

There was a strange embarrassment between the two of us, and yet, we ran up to each other. We met beneath a small covering, the only thing shielding us from the raging storm. A distant green light illuminated the sadness in his gaze.

"It's not what it looks like. Let me explain."

"I just feel so... destructive. I ruin everything, don't I?" Oikawa was shaking. I wanted to touch him.

"Sara and I are friends. I mean, we're friends too, but you're different. I promise it's not—"

"Iwaizumi," he interrupted, "it's not that. You don't understand. I broke up with Ainu because I'm in love with you. I want to be with you, and I'm tired of holding it back."

If the timing was just slightly better, I would be in Oikawa's arms by now... but something didn't feel right. He still had so much sadness looming over him, and so did I. We weren't ready. I saw it in his expression. I felt it in my chest. We just weren't. This fact alone unleashed a bitterness within me.

"How do you think it felt to be me, watching you be with someone else for so long!? Since fucking high school, Oikawa. Do you ever think of that? Now, here you are, running back to me after I finally allowed myself to meet new people, be a normal guy again." I began to cry. It felt selfish, and yet, I couldn't help it. "You broke my heart when you moved out of Tokyo. It took me months to not think about you for every second of the day. You don't know how much it hurt."

"Here I am now." His voice was trembling. The dark shadows of his eyes, that mournful sorrow: I could see pieces of Ainu that he hadn't healed from yet. We'd been friends since childhood. Of course I would recognize his sadness. This time, I didn't want to be a rebound. I deserved better.

"No, no," I cried. "You left. You flew all the way to a different country, leaving me alone after I began trusting you again. Why would you do that?"

"Don't you see it!?" he yelled. "If I stayed in Tokyo any longer, I would have pursued you. I was not the right person for her, but I would never cheat on Ainu. Yet, it almost happened because I'm crazy about you. We both knew that, but doing anything wouldn't be fair to the both of you... and I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was reckless and selfish, always putting those I love under so much stress. I want to be better than that. I want to be someone you're proud to love, for god's sake."

"Why does it hurt? This feeling. It hurts, Oikawa."

"It doesn't have to anymore. I'm back in Tokyo. I'm here because I miss you too damn much. We can start now." His brown eyes grew wide. "Please?"

He took my hand, but I pulled it away from him. "I don't want to start it like this. I want it to feel good. This isn't right. I mean, look at us right now. We're both a mess."

"What should we do then?" he asked, pleading for an answer that both of us did not have the answer to.

"I don't know, Oikawa." I looked down. "We've both been through a lot of hurt. You just ended an engagement. And I'm... I'm not going to be your rebound."

"I would never see you as that."

"I know," I replied, "but I'm doing this for me. I want the start of us to be... I don't know... happy. I want us to be happy, Oikawa. That's going to take more time than this."

There was a sliver of hope between us, and that feeling was true and alive. He touched my cheek, and this time, I rested my face on the palm of his hands. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No, this is a decision I have to make. I need to protect my heart too, you know." I looked up at him. "I'm a bit different now, Oikawa. I've learned a lot about myself this winter, and this is what I need."

"I'm going to try my best. I want to be the person you'll want to fall in love with. Would you wait?"

"I'll be there with you. By your side. We don't have to do this alone."

The rain began to die down. I touched my forehead to his, and resisted every urge in my body telling me to kiss him. It couldn't be now. Instead, I touched his chest, and we inhaled the misty air until our breaths synchronized. Then, we stepped away from each other, and it felt as I was carrying the world on my shoulders. When we parted ways, I told myself to not look back. I didn't want him to see me cry. This time, I had to be the stronger one.

~

By the time I reached my room, Sara was also gone. She left a note on my bed.

Dear Iwaizumi,

You might be in a delirious state right now. Personally, I know I would be freaking the fuck out if I were in your shoes. Don't worry. I understand. We're kind of in the same boat, remember? Anyway, while you were chasing after him, I thought about the person I still love. What if I did what Oikawa did? What would happen? Would she want me back? Well, I wouldn't know unless I tried, and you only live once, right? Tomorrow, I'll be heading out of town. Hopefully, I'll be able to rekindle the love. If not, then I'll have closure. Either way, there's a silver lining in my madness. I guess this is what makes life so painful... and so worth living. This bittersweet is what being human is all about, I suppose.

Your friendship meant means a great deal to me. We are two lonely people whose paths happened to converge at the right time. Knowing you has been a beautiful thing. Sometimes, I believe that the universe placed you in my life for a reason, and maybe, it was meant to be a fleeting connection. Even if it was, I think it'll take a long time to forget you.

I wish we could've had a more proper goodbye, but we both have things we got to do now. It's as if the world is writing a new chapter for us. Oh, the trials and tribulations of being young and confused (as we like to call it)!!! Well, it's time for me to embark on this spontaneous journey (inspired by your lover, himself)... It's an early-morning train, so pray that I don't crash from lack of sleep.

If you need me, I'll be a homing pigeon delivery away.

Your Dear Friend,

Sara

~

That night, I cried tears of joy, loss, and bittersweetness.

When I feel asleep, I dreamt about Kyoto sunsets, autumn trees, and the Milky Way... all the things that make our universe beautiful.