for now

I avoided calling Oikawa. Maybe, I thought, if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away. Right? That's how these things work? Am I being rational? I distracted myself with the monotonous tasks I needed to do to feel a bit more like a functional adult: work, train around the city, pick up groceries, hang laundry for the grandmas in this building. Same old, same old. I avoided looking out the window, out at Oikawa's obtrusive skyscraper. When thoughts of him crept in, I put on the TV at full volume.

Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't quite go back to the life I had before Oikawa re-entered it. What did I even do before him? It felt as if he never really left my life in the first place. In a way, I didn't know if it was even possible to go back to what once was.

Just keep walking, I muttered to myself, you have food to pick up, bills to pay.

Then, a week went by. Another week. Two or three, I could no longer count. It felt as if Oikawa and I were playing a game of who could avoid each other the longest. Maybe, this was necessary. We both needed space.

I can't believe he's moving out of Tokyo , a voice muttered on the train. The girl next to me was reading a magazine with Oikawa's face plastered on the front cover. She whispered to her friend.

So dreamy. I wish I could meet him before he has to leave.

Where to?

Taiwan. With his girlfriend. I think they're going to get married there. Look, it says right here.

Oh, darn. I wanted to marry him. Jealous.

I froze. Then, I tapped the girl's shoulder.

"Excuse me, just out of curiosity, who is this person you two are talking about?"

"Oikawa Tōru. You know, the volleyball player who retired this year."

"He's moving to Taiwan?"

"Yeah, look over here." She pointed at the article with an image of him and Nakamura Ainu. "Apparently, they both released the news on Twitter. Just a few nights ago. I guess this is his next step in life, but it seems like it's more for Miss. Nakamura."

The young girl handed me the magazine.

Volleyball Legend Oikawa Tōru and Art Gallerist Nakamura Ainu announced their plans to move out of Tokyo through a Twitter post on November 19th. Miss. Nakamura has big plans to open multiple art spaces throughout Asia, and Oikawa is still signed with big name brands. They are certainly a couple to look out for, taking their influence beyond Tokyo and into other major cities throughout Asia.

The news was released just a few nights ago. Why didn't Oikawa reach out to me about this?

Maybe, this meant that it was all a rumor—tabloids and magazines do this, right? To get people excited about other people they don't even know? But I know Oikawa, so it's all even more confusing now. I didn't know who to believe anymore.

I got off the train and immediately dialed his number. I didn't know which would be worse: the embarrassment of appearing clingy, revealing that I care too much about his personal matters... or the dreadful reality of him moving away. However, I needed to know.

Right as I was about to call him, my phone rang. His name appeared on the top. I guess we were both thinking the same thing. I answered it, not knowing what to say.

"Oikawa? Hi. I, uh..."

"Iwaizumi... so... um, I'm guessing you've heard of the news by now."

"What news?" I pretended to be unaware of what I just heard.

"You really don't know? I feel like every sports journalist has written some sort of article about it, but I guess that's better, actually. I would rather talk to you in person."

"Fuck, Oikawa." I let out a defeated breath. "I do know. I've just been pretending that I don't see it, but it's true isn't it?"

~

We met at a park bench. Children played below the withering trees, and old couples strolled by us, peaceful and calm on their afternoon stroll. For everyone around us, everything felt normal. The world just kept spinning, but for me, I was sinking into a strange pit I've dug for myself. Oikawa and I looked at each other, knowing that there was no way to make the other person happy. He bit his lip and leaned forward, staring at the ground.

"I wanted to tell you sooner than this, but for some reason, I didn't have the right words."

"I understand that. When are you leaving Tokyo?"

"In two days," he sighed, "What I wanted to tell you is that... the whole thing was very sudden. Ainu sees this as a fresh start for me and her. For our relationship, but for me, especially. The end of my career has been hard, but then, you came into my life again, and things were looking up... but then, I don't know. I crashed again. It was pretty recent, and because of that, this might be what's best for me and Ainu."

A stream of loneliness rushed into my stomach. I felt a strange sense of loss bubble within me. However, if this decision gave hope in Oikawa's life, if this was what he had to do... who was I to complain?

"I heard Ainu's opening up a gallery in Taiwan. She's been working really hard," I changed the topic.

"She has, flying in and out of Tokyo... while I'm over here being a horrible mess and causing her a lot of worry."

I wondered if being around me made Oikawa feel like a mess of a person. Though, I could never ask, but I felt like there had to be some correlation. I felt guilty for causing him any confusion. I thought about the last time we saw each other. How he came back to me after the club. How I made him sleep with me. Nothing happened. All we did was sleep. Truly... Yet, why did a wave of guilt rush over me? Was he feeling the same sort of confusion? Why did I feel guilty for feeling this way?

I placed a hand on his knee. "Oikawa, if this is what you have to do to pick yourself up again, then I support you and all of your goals. So, go out there. Take over Taiwan and every other city you'll visit. Everyone will love you, regardless of where you end up... but you know that already." I forced a smile.

"That's not the problem... I want to be certain that we'll remain friends. It sucks to leave you just as I'm getting to know you again."

"But you do know me. We've known each other for years, and here we are."

"I know. But still. I'm scared."

Ah, what is that stupid saying? If you love something, set it free.

I repeated it over and over.

If you love something, set it free.

If you love something, set it free.

If you love something, set it free.

"We'll be fine. I'll still be in Tokyo. When you're back, we'll pick things back up again. When do you think you'll be back?"

"That's the other thing. I don't quite know."

~

We ignored the uncertainty of Oikawa's return. We trekked back to my apartment, where I made us vegetable curry and green tea. We sat on the floor, hiding our sadness and laughing at the most random things we could think of. Distractions. Avoiding the elephant in the room. I pulled out my laptop and showed him a bunch of places he should visit in Taiwan.

"Look, the Yangmingshan National Park looks amazing. You also have to check out the Lungshan Temple. The National Palace Museum, too. How's your Mandarin?"

"I started practicing this month. It's... bad."

We continued to ignore the looming distance that would soon separate us, physically and emotionally and in every other form you could think of. Oikawa picked out a movie. We ended up watching three. By the end of the third, it was 2:00 AM, and we both didn't want the other to leave. We were just two confused people, under a scratchy blanket, delirious and counting down the hours before one person has to say goodbye.

"Promise you'll call whenever you're back in Tokyo," I asked, this time a bit desperately.

"How could I not?"

"Do you want to crash here for the night?"

We looked at each other again, as if we both were carrying a secret that both parties could not reveal. His face turned red. "I want to, Iwa-chan, but I really shouldn't."

Instead, he reached out to trace my jawline, then the edge of my mouth.

Then, he pulled back. A nervous look appeared on his face.

"Should we say goodbye? For now? You know, until you're back in town," I asked.

"Yeah, we should. I still have to pack."

We stood up and held each other. Then he looked at me and said a quiet goodbye.

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

"For now."

"Yeah, for now. I'll be back."

"I'll miss you, Dummykawa."

Tears filled both of our eyes. "I'll miss you more."

I rolled my eyes and looked away to rub my face. "That's not true. You'll forget about me in a month," I joked.

"I knew you would think that. If only I could change your mind."

Then, with one final smile, he closed the door. Just like that, we said goodbye.

I sunk onto the floor, wondering how long I would feel this way.