alone but not lonely

Drunken fools belted showtunes in Bokuto's living room, streaming karaoke lyrics straight from the 1980s. It was that point in the night, when people had fully let go of their shy inhibitions. I'd always remembered Oikawa as the type of person to join along, but tonight, I noticed that he hadn't touched a single drink. As for me, I wandered through the night, taking a beer every now and then. Not much. Sometimes socializing, but mostly, I was just a slightly different version of my quite neutral, average self.

Oikawa and I squeezed onto Bokuto's tiny balcony—the kind that was big enough for only one person to have a smoke break on. In our British attire, I felt like an old soldier reuniting with his best friend, both of whom were separated from one another during the World Wars. In some ways, Tokyo felt like our battlefield, and being a young person in the city was fighting through your own mission. Like all things in life, the little things are what get us through.

"After a night of profound investigation," Oikawa mimicked Dr. Watson, "what are the results, Sherlock?"

I smirked. "Results? Well, the journey is not over yet, my dear friend. Tonight, however, I am as confused as ever about life and what it means to be fully, truly human," I laughed, "but we are here to solve everyday mysteries... not the existential reasoning of our existence."

Oikawa chuckled, glancing out at the soft city lights. Then, his eyes flicked back to me. "Well, in that case, is it time for us to rejoin the crowd? I might even be down to dance. C'mon, let's go."

"I don't dance, and you know that."

Regardless, he pulled me up and dragged me into the living room.

Most people were passed out on the plush sofas, slumped and soaked in red wine. Yet, the music continued playing. I didn't know how people were fast asleep. Kuroo and Kenma slept in their same corner, snoring in each other's arms. Oikawa flipped through the song list and shook his head. His pout was a telling disapproval of the trashy pop music others had queued on. Such a pretentious music snob. He took the phone and changed the song.

"Canopée" by Polo & Pan. They're an avant-garde French DJ duo, he once murmured to me back in high school. Of course.

The rich, groovy textures of the song swirled around us. I couldn't help but wave my arms, imitating the flow of the ocean. Oikawa knew which songs would get me dancing, and after gulping down my beer, I too began to slip out of my fears and anxieties.

Oikawa was dancing like an unapologetic lunatic. He hopped over sleeping bodies and twirled around the velvet curtains. He was embracing every note and melody. Together, we were the only ones awake in the room—dancing, swinging, and laughing until the song came to an end.

Then, he added more music to our queue. Portuguese dance music. 90s hip hop. Classic rock ballads.

With every beat, our laughter grew into something... wild.

Wild & free.

When the final song came to an end, I realized that we had danced for an hour, and not once did I think about people watching me. There was only one person there: Oikawa. Everyone else was fast asleep, but even then, it no longer mattered. I wanted Oikawa to see the real me. Did I want him to see the real me, free and alive and dancing to my own desire? I couldn't tell you, but on this Halloween night, I gave him a glimpse of what I'd been craving—that hunger for life, to be young and reckless again.

"Hey!" he shouted from across the living room while balancing and tip-toeing on the armchair. "There's a late-night ramen shop down the street. Wanna get something to eat?"

"Sure, let's check when they close?" I reached for my phone, but people had borrowed it for photos throughout the night, so it was completely out of battery. "Fuck, phone's dead. Can I use yours?"

"Yep, to your left."

I opened the internet. Then, I pretended that I hadn't seen it. I knew he wouldn't have wanted me to see it. It was quite small, something we've all searched before, but I knew it was something Oikawa never wanted the world to know.

Why do I feel lonely?

A forum with other people on the internet, asking the same question.

Everyone, wanting answers to their shared dilemma... as if the world had forced all these different people into the same virtual rabbit-hole.

It was simply a google search he had left, not knowing it would be reopened by anyone else besides him. I immediately closed the tab and opened a new one. Typed in: "Ramen Near Me".

It closed at 4:00 AM, so we had plenty of time.

"Good news," I shot him a smile, pushing away what I had just seen, "Let's get some ramen."

~

We took our food for to-go, and Oikawa found a bench that stood beside a chaotic intersection where cars were almost crossing into each other's lanes. We slurped our noodles, and the warm, comforting broth warmed up our bodies. In October's changing temperatures, it was exactly what we needed.

"How'd you like the party?" I asked.

"Your friends are..." he leaned closer to me. "Well, you're really lucky to be surrounded by such amazing guys, I'll tell you that. Bokuto. Such a champ. His energy was somethin' else. Akaashi and Tsukishima were... quiet at first... but so nice once I got to know them. Kuroo even gave me some life advice, and Kenma... at one point in the night, that guy kept me company when he found me standing alone. He even paused his video game. How did you find these people? They're quite amazing people you've gathered in this hell of a city."

Memories rushed back. I'd met all of them through Kuroo after that boring science fair. It was after Oikawa and I stopped being friends, when I was drifting in my own loneliness, anxiety throwing me out of the isolating spheres of Aoba Johsai. I didn't expect them to be my lifelong friends, and yet, here we are. It made me happy to see everyone come back together just in time for Bokuto's Halloween night. No matter where we were, we always found each other again. Now, I suppose the same statement could be applied to Oikawa.

"A science fair." I smiled, keeping the rest of the truth to myself.

"Ah, fucking nerds."

"Okay, look at you talk, Mr. Math Club."

"Ah, valid. Anyway, how was adjusting back to your city life? Found yourself missing Miyagi?" He asked the question as if he'd already had my answers in mind.

"What were we even doing back home? Wasn't it all a fever dream?" I poked fun at his question.

"Hm?"

"Oh, you know... being stupid teenagers again."

"Ah," he rolled his eyes, "I see what you mean. We were just being us. Maybe, it's just the best parts of reality... so it feels like a dream."

I stared at the lightstream of car headlights, speeding by past us. "How do you feel, adjusting back to your life after our Miyagi homecoming."

He leaned forward. "I miss it." He said it, blunt and simple, as if there was nothing to hide.

"What about it do you miss?" I took another bite of the noodles.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "Rewinding time. Feeling like we were back in the past. What about you? What are you thinking about?"

"I guess, hm, I don't know." I paused, once again. "I guess... I guess I've been happier lately... yet, I've been feeling more than I usually do. All of the good and bad have been colliding in my life, and it's more painful than before, but for the first time in such a long time, I'm actually feeling something... and that's so much better than nothing at all."

He looked at me, brushing the hair from his eyes. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I don't have a clear reason why, but it might be the same reason as yours. I resonate with the way you feel this emotion. There's this sharp sadness brewing within me... something I haven't felt in a long time. I guess you don't have to be alone to be lonely. It just takes a small push to make you realize that there's more out there in this life."

"What do you mean?"

"Hm, I don't know." He smiled. "Forget about it."

"Why? You keep bringing this up. Is there something you've been thinking about?"

"I don't know how to say it, Iwaizumi, but for the first time in a while, I feel a little less alone when I'm with you. That's all."

~

We took the train back to our stop. I walked Oikawa back home. Ainu was working in her office, and when Oikawa entered the living room, they ran toward each other, giving the other person a soft peck. Ainu offered for me to stay and crash in their guest room. I thanked her but refused. After all, I was just across the street. She understood.

"Thanks for keeping Oikawa company tonight, Iwaizumi," she said, sincerely and sweetly.

She really is a perfect person.

"Nothing to worry about. The host wanted me to invite my friends, so Oikawa being there just made things more fun."

Then, I walked home.

Am I lonely too?

I curled into my bed.

Maybe. Yeah. Sometimes, I am lonely, but tonight, I was not.

Right now, I am alone... but I am not too lonely.

Not yet, at least. The memories of the night were still with me.

Hm, maybe I should get a cat or something.