Chapter 19

Q

~You’re my esclave, my soul mate, each other we own, you’re mine forever, my bird flew home…~

I’d torn one man’s heart out, and now I wanted to tear out my own. My fingers ached to pry open my ribcage and wrench it from beating to dead.

I no longer wanted to live with this fucking agony every time I thought about Tess.

She’d successfully hurt me more than any other person in the world. She brought me to my fucking knees and I told the truth when I said I didn’t want to see her again.

I ~couldn’t.~

I couldn’t look her in the eye again. Suzette told me what happened yesterday. How Tess told her ex she was leaving without having the decency to tell me first.

The moment Suzette told me Tess was going, I lost it. I fucking forgot I was human and ripped the kitchen apart.

I hurled the ten thousand euro coffee maker through the pantry door, shredded packets of food, and tore the tap from the bench-top.

Only when I’d expended my angst-riddled energy did Suzette move closer and do something I would never have allowed before.

She hugged me.

Her tiny arms wrapped around my waist, squeezing tight, reminding me I was human and not a monster after all.

After everything I’d done—it wasn’t enough. Both the beast and man had lost.

My Tess was gone. ~What the fuck did they do to her?~ The passion and strength had disappeared. Looking into Tess’s eyes now left me with a shiver and loneliness. All I saw was nothing. Fucking ~nothing.~

She’d shutdown but I didn’t have the fucking luxury of doing the same. As much as I wanted the pain to go away—how tempting the thought of freeing myself from this agony, I couldn’t just leave.

People relied on me. Slaves. Staff. Countless employees.

I charged through the house, going out of my fucking mind at the thought of losing the woman I loved. A new rattle existed inside me—fresh, oozing wounds caused by Tess’s betrayal.

The darkness I let consume me while hunting for Tess came back with a vengeance. Gone was the urge to tend to her, make her well again.

All I wanted to do was be far, far away so she couldn’t see how much she broke me. Me?

The beast with no fucking feelings teetered on the edge of wrapping his arms around Tess’s knees and begging with everything he had for her to remember. For her to stop this madness and man up.

She let shock steal her life. She’d given in to the worst kind of disease.

Three times I’d seen this happen. Three times, I returned former slaves to their husbands, and three times the women hugged and smiled but something was missing. Something intrinsic, unique.

The husbands knew straight away. They recognised the soul of the person they adored had shut down, locked tight, and sunk to the depths of their wives’ being.

I’d stood by and felt sorry for the poor shmucks who lost their wives all over again. Once a mind reached its breaking point—it didn’t break.

It folded inward, layering like an accordion until every element of emotion was deleted. Until their horrific past, or whatever they’d endured, was gone.

All along Tess had been so strong. And now she was even stronger. Stronger in her chilliness and the sheer fact she’d learned how to block life out.

Completely, perfectly, she would never feel again—neither hope nor happiness nor fear. Her life had gone from sensory overload to bleak and barren.

She didn’t do it deliberately, but I knew there was no hope.

After all, I’d seen proof. The three women who returned to their husbands divorced them, ruining the men all over again.

Wrenching open the door under the foyer stairs, I bolted down the steps and grabbed a pool cue from the rack. “Fuuuuck!” I yelled, throwing it at the wall.

It speared like a javelin, clattering loudly off the wood paneling. The gaming room was the only place I wanted to be.

I didn’t want to go back into the house. I wanted to create a den where I could pretend I never loved or lost.

I’d spent last night in the conservatory—after hearing Tess was leaving I couldn’t lie beside her. I couldn’t put myself through that.

Instead, I fell into a fitful sleep with the sounds of birds roosting, but when I woke up, the comfort they offered me was false.

They were only there because I surrounded them in wire and locks. They weren’t there for me. They were my prisoners.

I no longer looked at each sparrow and saw a woman I helped save. I no longer took satisfaction that each little creature represented the good I did. They all became a mockery—all became Tess.

Bouncing around in their cage, looking for a way out.

Just like fucking Tess.

“Je ne peux pas plus faire ça putain!” I can’t fucking do this anymore! I’d never been so consumed. I wanted freedom from this mania inside.

Alcohol.

That would help numb me, if not wipe away my thoughts completely. The moment I thought about drinking myself into oblivion, I couldn’t move fast enough.

I jumped over the pool cue on the floor and practically sprinted for the crystal bar.

Wrenching open the large humidor, I entered the musky dark cave where ludicrously expensive bottles of liquor rested in the shadows.

Stepping back into the light, I brushed away dust on the Macallan Fine & Rare Collection of single malt whiskey.

If I sold this bottle, it would probably fetch ten thousand euros from idiotic connoisseurs. Too fucking bad for them, I planned on swigging the entire thing as medicinal rather than entertainment.

I didn’t bother with a glass. I didn’t bother with sipping and savoring. I tore off the top and chugged.

The burn charged down my throat, splashing into my empty stomach, swilling around with flames of alcoholic fire.

I groaned as another swallow compounded the inferno until I felt sure my stomach would erode.

I took another four chugs before I had to stop to catch my breath. My fucking eyes watered like some virgin drinker, and the room already had a brownish haze.

My hope of sleeping existed in consuming this entire bottle. Maybe then I would go to sleep, and when I woke up, Tess would be gone.

~Tess is leaving. Do something! Stop fucking wallowing.~

~She’s already made the decision. Fuck if I’m going to grovel.~ I did everything in my fucking power and she still didn’t want me.

I could only take so much before I turned from tender lover who wanted to heal her to a man who wanted to beat the shit out of her because she hurt me so much.

Throwing myself into the corner of the room, I bent my legs and rested my forearms on the top of my knees.

The heavy bottle dangled from my fingers, and the only time I moved was to add more fuel to the raging fire in my stomach.

“Q? Mercer? Where the fuck are you?”

A voice pierced my drunken haze; I froze. Whoever it was, I didn’t want them to find me. ~Piss off. Leave me the fuck alone.~

“I can smell a shitload of alcohol, so I know you’re down here,” Frederick muttered as he came around the pool table to find me curled up against the wall. The wall was a fucking comfy place to be.

I’d never been so warm and soft and numb.

The whiskey was my only friend. I hugged the bottle closer as Frederick’s forehead furrowed. His nose wrinkled, and he sighed as if I were a mess he had to clean up.

Well luckily for him, I liked my mess and he could just fuck off.

My temper was well and truly off its leash; I snarled, “~Fous moi la paix.~” Leave me the hell alone.

Frederick crossed his arms, glaring. “How much have you had to drink?”

I sneered, waving the now almost empty bottle of whiskey as if it was the most ridiculous question I’d ever heard.

He blew out a heavy breath, rolling his eyes. He hoisted the front of his slacks to squat in front of me. The urge to punch him so he fell on his ass consumed me.

His slicked-back hair was perfect, his midnight blue suit immaculate. His sapphire eyes had no strain or worry in them. He looked like a fucking poster boy for a happy and successful marriage.

~Something I will never have.~

Ah shit, the painful thoughts were back. I’d successfully drunk myself into a stupor before, and nothing had existed in my brain, but now the haze switched to painful tiredness. I sighed.

“Just leave, Roux. I don’t need you here.”

He shook his head. “I’m not about to leave a friend curled up in the fucking corner reeking of whiskey without knowing what’s eating him.” He raised an eyebrow. “So…what’s eating you?”

The terrible weight I’d been carrying in my chest for weeks exploded. “She fucking hates me! That’s what’s eating me.” I threw my hands up and the bottle went flying.

Frederick caught it before it hit the ground. “She doesn’t hate you, Mercer. You couldn’t be further from the truth.” He eyed the whiskey before taking a swig, wincing as it went down.

“You scoured the world for her. You killed countless men to find her, and you butchered the man who took her because that’s what she asked of you.

“You’ve spent every day beside her, wiping her brow, suffering through her hallucinations all without complaint. You’ve been there for her and she knows that. She still loves you.”

I chuckled. “Oh, I complained. I’ve broken a lot of shit because I couldn’t stand to hear her nightmares or stomach the emptiness in her soul.”

Frederick smiled. “I did the same thing when Angelique got that crazy flu a few years ago. I felt so helpless. Breaking stuff was a good way of venting.

“That woman of mine has me by the balls—just like Tess for you.”

I scowled. Frederick painted a picture of a man who’d lost his backbone to a woman. Who went berserk when he couldn’t have her—who had no other purpose but nurse her back to health.

That wasn’t fucking me.

~Was it?~

That meant I cared about another more than I cared about myself. That I put their needs before my own.

Shaking my head, I argued, “You’re mistaking me for a pussy.

“I’m a scary son of a bitch who runs an international company and saves slaves from fucked-up assholes.” I snatched the bottle out of his grip and took a huge gulp.

Frederick huffed, yanking the whiskey back. “Caring for someone doesn’t make you a pussy, you idiot. Yes, you run a big company—but so do I, and I manage to go home to a wonderful woman whom I adore.

“You can be strong and soft.”

My world consisted of liquid and whiskey vapour—I only half noticed he’d stolen it and had no time to listen to his ramblings. All I could see was my old life.

Working my ass off for a company that took everything I gave. I lived a lonely, ever-fighting existence, but it meant I was too tired, too focused to hurt.

I hadn’t even known I’d been lonely until Tess fucking came into my life.

All of this would never have happened if I’d just sent her back to her moron boyfriend. Who the hell was I to keep her? Look at how screwed up both our lives were, thanks to my genius plan.

I hung my head. “I’m kidding myself, Roux. I’m not a softhearted man who can be normal.”

Frederick shook his head. “You’re right. You can’t. So stop trying to be. I know Tess would’ve really appreciated you caring for her over the last few weeks, but she’s on the mend.

“It’s time you showed her the man she fell for. The master. The dominating bastard who has sadistic tendencies.”

He chuckled, adding, “The last time you were drunk you’d just sent her back and told me, in very intimate detail I might add, what she let you do to her that night in your bedroom.”

My mind shot back to that night. The first time I let a little part of myself free, when uninhibited with alcohol, I strung Tess up and whipped her.

~I lost all control. Baring my teeth, I dropped the barrier to my demons, pounding into her. There was no rocking, or gentle lovemaking.

I pistoned my hips into her, grunting, sweating, a crazed need deep inside. I needed to bruise her, mark her, claim her.

With my cock deep inside, I raked fingernails along her ass, drawing blood, thrilling at how she panted and gasped with need.

The gag barricaded her screams. She bounced in my arms, breasts jiggling with every thrust. The room erupted with the sounds of heavy breathing and slapping sweaty skin.

The air temperature was too hot. Tess was too much.

I’m coming.~

I jumped a mile when Frederick clasped my arm. My hazy eyes struggled to leave the erotic daydream and focus. How much I wished I was balls deep in Tess right now.

How much I wanted to eradicate the distance between us.

“She’s your other half, Q. She lives for the sharp pleasure of pain and you live to give it to her. If there have ever been two people who belong together, it’s you.” He stood, hauling me to my feet.

“So you’re gonna do something about it.”

Oh, fucking God, the room did not know how to behave. ~Where the hell are my legs?~ The whiskey stormed inside, looking for a way out, but I swallowed hard, managing to stay upright.

Fredrick dragged me toward the steps and shoved me up them.

I grabbed the handrail, trying to stop him from pushing me where I didn’t want to go. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything. You are.” His shoulder ploughed into my back, shoving me upward until I stumbled through the door and into the lobby.

The rest of the house was asleep; after all, it was two in the morning.

He brushed his hands as if congratulating himself on a job well done. “Go on.” He waved at the stairs. “Go fix it.”

I shook my head, ignoring his stupid demands. “What the hell are you doing here this late anyway? Go home to your pretty, perfect little wife.” I didn’t mean to sound jealous.

Angelique ~was~ a pretty, perfect little wife, but I made it sound like that was a bad thing.

Frederick gave me a hard look. “I won’t punch you for that as you’re drunk. If you really want to know, I’m here because Suzette called to let me know you freed all your birds.

“She was concerned you might’ve finally snapped.” He sighed, waggling a finger in my face. “She was worried, and I think she did the right thing, so don’t reprimand her.”

“Damn fucking meddling maid,” I muttered under my breath.

“That damn maid may turn out to be your saving grace if you get the balls to fix whatever has gone wrong with you and Tess.”

I spun, swinging wide, fully intending to deck him. If I couldn’t hit Tess anymore, a surrogate was in order. “It isn’t fucking fixable. I’ve tried.”

Frederick ducked and punched me, hard, right in the gut where all that sweet, pain-stealing alcohol lived. “Before you ask, that was for being a douche.

“Second, it was to try and knock some sense into you. You haven’t tried. You’ve been treating Tess with kiddie gloves. Is that why she fell in love with you?”

Rubbing my stomach, I swayed. I needed to rethink letting this man run my company. He asked the dumbest questions. “Huh?”

“Did Tess fall in love with you because you’re kind and sweet and even-tempered?” He snorted, a grin spreading across his lips.

~“Bien sûr que non.”~ Of course not. Even I laughed at that idiotic suggestion. Those three words had never been used to describe me, not even on my best days.

“Did she fall in love with you because you’re a dark son of a bitch who has to hit her and draw blood to be connected?”

~“Merde~, when you put it that way, I sound like a fucking sicko with a vampire complex.” The alcohol switched from sweet to sour, and I no longer liked the thought of being drunk.

“You are. I totally agree. But you’re also a man who is head over heels for a woman that wants that side of you. You told me she wanted to be your slave. She came back for you, Mercer.

“No woman would put herself through that unless she could see the goodness in you.”

That just reminded me I let her get taken in the first place. ~It’s all my fault—~

Frederick slapped me. It was such a girly move, I laughed. “Resorting to a bit of palm action, Roux?”

He chuckled. “Just stopping that train of thought. I’ve seen it in your eyes way too often the past few weeks. It isn’t your fault.

“Sure, your life is full of dangerous men, but you’re dangerous enough to keep her safe. It was just bad luck. That’s all.”

“It wasn’t fucking bad luck. We were both idiots about the tracker. I thought she’d removed it!”

Frederick nodded. “I agree. You’re both to blame. What does that tell you?”

Anger.

Sheer, undiluted anger filtered through my veins, burning up the alcohol, making me see clearly for the first time in weeks. “Tess is to blame, too.”

Frederick took a step backward, a smile tugging at his lips. “Go on…”

My eyes rose to the staircase above us, already seeing Tess curled up in bed thinking she was safe. But she wasn’t safe. Not from me.

“She fucked up just as much as me. She needs to apologize. She needs to thank me for all the blood on my hands. She needs to give me back what’s mine.”

“And that is?” Frederick goaded.

“Her fucking heart.”

My legs moved on their own accord. Grabbing the banister, I hurled myself up the steps, two at a time.

I couldn’t move fast enough.

Frederick followed close behind. I wanted to tell him to get lost, but I had no time. I’d wasted enough time as it was. I’d have an audience but I was past caring.

This conversation should’ve happened days ago. Tess owed me. Goddammit, she owed me so fucking much and she just cut me off. I was done being cut off.

The door slammed open as I heaved it with my shoulder. Tess shot upright in bed. She winced, holding her side, her bandaged finger resting on the sheet.

I licked my lips, searching her eyes for the one thing I needed to see: fear. She should’ve been terrified at my entry, but her eyes were colorless in the gloom. Nothing glowed, no terror or panic.

She looked as if she’d fallen asleep at a fucking church service.

“Tess,” I growled, charging for the bed.

She let me come. She didn’t move away or try to hide under the covers. She cocked her head. “I didn’t think you’d be sleeping with me. Not after what I said.”

She wore the same white T-shirt of mine to bed, and all I could think about was her undressing before I strapped her to the cross—it felt like a century ago. We’d been happy then.

I’d been tormented and scared, but happy as Tess promised she’d never leave.

I pinched my brow, trying to get my thoughts under control. “I’m not coming to bed,~esclave. ~You and I need to talk.”

She eyed me but nodded. “Okay.”

Goddammit, where was the fire? The argument that she didn’t want to talk because I woke her in the dead of night. I needed to see tenacity and boldness. Nothing shone on her face, no ounce of emotion.

I squeezed my eyes, trying to understand what the fuck I was doing here.

“Q…”

Her soft voice wrapped around my heart and I struck.

I didn’t mean to. I didn’t give my hand permission to strike her cheek. It just happened. The force of her power over me made the monster fucking crazy.

Denied for so long, it’d done what I was terrified of happening all along. It took away my control—made me hit her.

The soft sting in my palm and the resonating noise of connecting with Tess’s cheek was pure heaven. I’d missed it for far too long. I opened my eyes, looking at the red handprint on her skin.

My cock instantly hardened.

The first fucking erection I’d had since I found Tess so ruined and weak.

Her eyes popped wide as she touched her cheek with gentle fingertips.

I waited, licking my lips—waiting for her crystal tears that tasted so sweet, but her eyes remained dry. No salt, no amazement, or accusation.

“I know you’re trying to get an emotion out of me, Q. But…it won’t work.” She broke eye contact. “I’ve tried. I hate what I’m doing to you.

“I loved you and can’t stand to be the reason for your pain, but they made me—” She swallowed. “My thoughts aren’t safe anymore.

“I can’t be myself because everything is wrapped up in such evil.” She looked up. “I’m truly sorry but you have to let me go.”

The alcohol rolled in my stomach and I lost it completely. I’m not proud of what I became.

I never wanted to be so out of control, but I lost all elements of the man and showed her just how much the beast fucking wanted her.

I ripped the sheets off and shoved her into the middle of the bed. The T-shirt rode up, showing her flat belly, and I had to bite her. Had to mar that slightly bruised flesh.

With a snarl, I buried my mouth against her stomach. She flinched as I bit hard. I didn’t break the skin, but only because some miracle intervened.

I spread my entire weight over her, smothering her into the mattress. Eyes to eyes, mouth to mouth, hips to hips.

I thrust hard against her, groaning at how good my hard cock felt. It’d been too long. Way too long since I’d had this woman…since I’d ~wanted~ this woman. “Feel that, Tess. That’s for you. I want you.

“So. Fucking. Much. Please come back to me. You ~will~ come back to me.” I smashed my mouth against hers. Her taste intoxicated me more than any alcohol.

I forced her lips open, demanding she tongue me back. She opened, letting me kiss her, but she didn’t return my affection. It was like kissing a corpse.

~Please. Fucking please, come back to me.~

Slowing down, I kissed her with all the unhappiness and loss inside. Showing just how much I needed the strong fiery woman who didn’t take my shit but let me hurt her anyway.

I needed her so much.

I poured my heart into her…

Nothing.

My gut twisted and I pulled away, looking deep into her eyes. There were no words to describe the vacant, empty woman who stared back. No signs of lust or fear or turmoil.

Zero. Zilch. Gone.

Grabbing her shoulders, I shook her. “Wake up,~esclave.~ Come out of your fucking bunker and face me. You don’t have to shut down anymore.”

When she didn’t say anything, I yelled right in her face. “This isn’t just my fault, you know. You left the tracker in. You forgot to remove it. You should’ve told me!

“You should’ve made sure only I had access to you.”

I sat up, dragging her upright to shake her with every word. “You let me down. You ruined everything. Goddammit, Tess. Do something!”

A flicker of something sparked in her eyes before it was gone again, killed by the life-sucking void inside her.

“I’ll fuck you. I’ll make you come back to me. Is that what you want?” I grabbed her uninjured hand and placed it around my cock.

It leapt in her grip, hot and angry; wanting so fucking much to be inside her. “I only get hard if you fight me, Tess.

“So fucking fight me, because I need you so damn much.” I pressed my forehead against hers, whispering, “Please tell me you won’t let me touch you, all the while really begging me to.

“Please tell me how you’ll never let me break you, all the while growing wet for me. Tell me anything, ~esclave.~ ”

I removed my hand from hers, praying she’d fist and stroke me. My heart broke as her grip went limp.

I saw red.

Grabbing her throat, I squeezed, looking so deep into her eyes I swear I saw her fucking soul. And it scared the shit out of me when I realized there was no soul to see.

Nothing connected to mine—the mind link we shared was gone.

“Tess, please. I’m begging you.” Pressing my lips against hers again, I didn’t move, waiting, hoping she’d kiss me back.

One breath.

Two.

An agony of waiting for her to soften, accept my protection, my willingness to give her anything she wanted, but she stiffened in my grip. Her hot skin turned chilly; she withdrew even further.

The bond we shared snipped free as she sucked whatever existed between us deep inside, leaving me in the dark, all alone, once more.

“Sparrow,” she whispered.

My world crunched to a halt; my heart stopped.

I didn’t think anything could hurt me so bone deep. I wanted to tear out my brain and never exist. That one word. It ruined me.

Smashed me with a wrecking ball, leaving me in rubble, in pieces, in dust.

I pulled back, scrambling off the bed. She’d successfully cut off my legs, tore out my heart, and left me for dead.

“Sparrow?” I repeated; my voice cracked.

She looked straight into my eyes. “Sparrow, Q. I’m so sorry.” Her eyes dropped to where my shirt had come undone, zeroing in on my tattoo. She inched forward onto her knees, beckoning me to go closer.

I couldn’t move, rooted to the spot. She just used the safe-word and expected me to come back to her?

The monster inside no longer lived in the realm of sanity—it tore its flesh, yanked at its head—wishing there was a way free from this nightmare.

When I didn’t move, Tess climbed over the rumpled bedding and stepped toward me. Her tiny hand flashed out, tracing the sparrow over my nipple, the highest one—the one flying free.

“They made me hurt others. They made me break them. I’m not a good bird anymore. I don’t know how to live with that. I’m empty. I’m lost. And time won’t heal me.

“I can’t give you what you need anymore and I wish I could.” Her voice was breathy, tortured. I tried not to listen or believe. This was it. This was the end.

“You don’t mean that. You’ll come back from it. Let me help you.” My mind filled with images of tying her up, whipping her until she remembered who she was.

I’d kill her trying if it meant she’d be mine again. “I’ll do anything you ask of me. Just give me more time.”

“I’m leaving in the morning, Q. I’m sorry.”

~“Tu ne vas aller nulle part putain!”~ You’re not fucking going anywhere! I shoved her backward, watching detachedly as she sprawled on the bed. Why didn’t she wince or show pain from her injuries?

Was she so far gone she didn’t feel her body either?

The beast inside roared, determined to find out. I struck with my fingers, dragging my nails down her leg.

Four lines of blood sprang and ~still~ nothing. Tess just lay there, breathing normally, looking so remote.

“Tess, doesn’t do this to me!” I reached for her again—to do what, I didn’t know. Hit her, hug her, spank her, caress her—anything would be better than nothing.

Arms bounded around me, hauling me back.

Frederick muttered in my ear, “She said no, Mercer. There’s nothing you can do.”

I struggled, fuck I struggled, but Frederick was strong. His arm tightened, muscles digging into my collarbone as he dragged me further from Tess.

The last image I saw was Tess sitting cross-legged on the bed with her long blonde hair drifting around her and her lifeless grey-blue eyes watching me go.

There was nothing else to say.

It was done.

Over.

Finished.

Every single door in my mind, every wall and barrier I’d ever created, slammed back into being. I compartmentalized my needs and humanity, removed myself from the equation.

I shut down so efficiently, so coldly, I was left wondering if I was a psychopath.

Tess was gone.

Frederick loosened his hold on me. “I’m sorry, man.”

I didn’t say a word as I stalked away.

Away from the slave I fell for.

Away from my very existence.