Chapter 18

Tess

~Choose me, use me, you will never lose me…~

Another week passed.

Seven long days while I lived in limbo. The laptop was never far, and the soft ping of an incoming message gave me something to do. I lived via the internet world.

Looking at jokes, funny videos, love scenes, drama episodes. I watched everything I could, waiting for some sort of reaction other than emptiness.

But nothing triggered a response.

I was sick of this bedroom. Sick of feeling nothing. My body was stronger. The coughing had subsided and I wanted to leave.

I needed to move. I didn’t want to witness how Q hurt. This was his bedroom and all I’d done was sully it with sickness and bad memories.

It was time to remove myself from his life so he could begin the journey of forgetting me.

Cracking open the laptop, I read Brax’s message.

~From: Brax Cliffingstone~

Time: 2:25 p.m.

To: Tess Snow

Hi! Thought I’d touch base and make sure things are okay? Haven’t heard back from you so I’m hoping you’re still alive.

(bad joke) Anywho… Bianca and I have officially started going out and I want you to be as happy as me, so let’s get this show on the road. What do you need? Anything?

Do you need some Aussie stuff sent over? I’m sure the French food has got to be crap after our award-winning pies.

Message me back.

Brax

I sighed. How much I wanted to laugh. To be a human again, but to share in happiness I had to let the guilt rip me apart. I just couldn’t do it.

I existed in a rigid coldness. And for now, that was the way it had to be. Maybe forever.

~Me: I do miss marmite, I admit.~

Brax: Eww, gross. That stuff is nasty. Vegemite rules.

Me: Yuck.

How could I joke and pretend to be normal when I felt zero?

~Brax: So…how you feeling?~

Me: Okay.

Brax: Just okay?

Me: Still empty.

Brax: What would it take to make you whole again?

Me: That’s the problem. I don’t think it’s fixable.

Brax: That doesn’t sound like the Tessie I know.

Me: You never really knew me, Brax.

Me: I’m sorry. That was harsh.

Brax: No, I get it. I didn’t. Not really. But only because you never talked to me. You sprang it on me and I acted like an ass.

Me: It was my fault. I never knew what I wanted.

Brax: And now you do. You want that man that you ran half-way across the world to see.

Me: I used to.

Brax: You will again.

I stopped typing, waiting for an unfurling of hope that Brax was right. That this cold emptiness would soon be filled with light and love again, but nothing happened.

I looked around Q’s bedroom and suddenly the need to leave was overwhelming.

I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t be this invalid any longer.

~Me: If I said I was coming back to Australia, what would you say?~

Brax: I’d say you always had a place to sleep and Bianca and I will help you with whatever you need.

I smiled. I had no intention of gate-crashing their new romance. No one wanted an ex-girlfriend sleeping on the couch. I’d go somewhere else. It didn’t matter where. I didn’t care.

Suzette appeared, coming toward the bed. She carried a plate with a smoked salmon bagel and some iced tea. “Lunch. I hope you’re hungry.” Her eyes fell to the blinking message from Brax.

She froze, skimming the text.

She shook her head, giving me a heart-stopping look of betrayal. “You’re giving up so easily?”

“It’s not what you think, Suzette.”

She slammed the plate on the bed. “What do you mean it’s not what I think? It’s in black and white.” She tapped the screen with an angry finger. “You’re thinking of leaving! After everything.

“After~ everything~, Tess. You’re just going to leave!” She breathed hard, visibly bringing her sharp temper under control. “I get it. I really do.

“It took me years to get over what happened and I know you need more time. But you need to stay around people who love you.”

I hung my head. “Time won’t help. Something’s happened to me. I’ll never be free unless I let myself suffer what I’ve done. And if I let myself suffer, I won’t survive the memories.

“If you knew what I did, Suzette…” My voice dwindled and for the first time in days the crush of guilt managed to penetrate my tower.

I panicked, rushing to fill the crack, wrapping it thicker with chains.

The fear of what I’d done grew by the hour, trapping myself further inside my mind.

Suzette deflated. “What did they do to you? What’s made you so afraid?”

“It’s what I did to others that I can’t live with.” I was back to being vacant, thankfully free from the guilt.

“Don’t go, Tess. Stay. Q is in agony. He loves you and yet you can’t even bring yourself to touch him anymore.” She stopped, brushing away a tear. “Stay for him.”

“It’s because of him that I’m leaving. It’s not fair to torture him this way.”

She sighed, eyes flashing with pain. “I suggest you think on your decision, because the moment you step out the door and rip out my master’s heart is the day you lose me as a friend.

“You don’t deserve him if you leave.” She headed to the door, turning to face me one last time. “I know you’re capable of coming alive again.

“You just need to believe you’re strong enough.” She closed the door quietly behind her.

Am I strong enough to face the women I hurt? To allow the drug-clouded memories to hurl me into guilt and misery?

~No, I’m not strong enough.~

This was the only way.

That night Q didn’t come to bed.

I’d grown used to falling asleep and waking up in the middle of the night to find him asleep on his stomach, fully dressed. As if he wanted to always be ready to protect me.

Even in sleep, I knew he suffered headaches. The tightness around his eyes never left him. Just another way I made him suffer.

But tonight, when I woke to shuffle to the bathroom, the bed was empty.

And just like the bed, I was, too.

The next day I made the decision to go.

My finger no longer hurt, only ached, and the doctor had removed the stitches in my neck. He told me Q ordered him to remove the tracker while I slept; I thanked him profusely.

Having that devil thing out of my body was the first thing to give me a tiny feeling of relief.

My ribs were sore but nothing I couldn’t handle and whenever a memory or vision tried to drag me from my tower, I promptly shut it down.

I’d become a master at wrapping my mind with chains and padlocks—I doubted I’d ever find a way to unlock them.

After a shower and dressing awkwardly in a pair of Q’s running shorts and T-shirt, I made my way from the room.

Shuffling down the corridor, I struggled for breath and my lungs strained with the remnants of pneumonia. The steps went on forever. I kept going, stopping occasionally until I reached the bottom.

One at a time. Gentle and slow.

Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to leave. My strength was seriously depleted.

The foyer was just as I remembered with its grand entrance and sweeping staircase covered in midnight blue carpet.

My eyes popped wide as I entered the lounge to find four women sitting on the couch. Two were reading while the others had their heads bent in conversation.

The moment I appeared they all stopped and faced me.

Suzette slammed to a halt when she appeared from the kitchen, carrying a tray of drinks. “Tess,” her voice rested between cool and concerned. I gave her a quick smile.

“I had to get out of the room.” Nodding at the women, I added, “Hello.”

The girls diverted their eyes, pretending I wasn’t there.

Luckily none of them were blonde. I didn’t know what would’ve happened to my carefully constructed safety net if I’d come face to face with the girl who’d been raped by Leather Jacket.

Suzette lingered once she’d deposited the drinks on the table. Normally I would’ve fidgeted or rushed to say something to fill the silence, but I had no urge to fix the wrongness between us.

All I wanted to do was be alone.

I gave her a nod, turning back the way I came.

Something crackled and popped; I froze as music rained from the speakers.

~I’m a murderer, murderer, murderer. Bright blood stains my hands~

I used to live for violence, violence, violence, but now I lurk alone

Forcing myself to be normal, normal, normal, trading my nature for always bland

Now I live in agony, agony, agony, left with relics, memories, nothing but bones

Q.

He’d used music to get to me before; he’d turned to it again. The songs he’d played previously made me fall in love with him.

I understood his inner torment through the lyrics, guiding me to see the tortured soul he lived with.

I balled my fists as a roar of grief flattened me. I missed him. So fucking much. I wanted to hold him. Kiss him. Let him save me from my sins.

~“You killed me. I’ll never fall in love. You ruined my life!” Blonde Hummingbird slammed into my mind.~

“I’m sorry! I never wanted to be a murderer.”

Leather Jacket sneered.~ “Puta, you’ve let us in. We’ve got you now. We’re gonna make you snap.”~

I scrambled, panting, dashing back into my tower.~ I can’t. ~I couldn’t do it.

More chains went around me, yet another layer of padlocks.

My love for Q disappeared beneath the weight of barricades, and I stumbled forward, drained to the point of exhaustion.

I wished there was some way to keep the bad locked up and let the love for Q free. But I couldn’t separate the good from the wrong and I wasn’t brave enough to face the worst.

Moving through the house, I didn’t think to where I headed. I just needed to move.

Passing all the photos of Q’s empire, I didn’t stop to admire. I didn’t let myself think about the future I’d had working with him before the nightmare started. The buildings no longer interested me.

Property in general was no longer a passion of mine. I didn’t want to sketch or help Q with new projects.

The conservatory welcomed me into its warm embrace, and I breathed a small sigh. At least here no one would find me. I could hide amongst the luscious plants and fly away on wings like a sparrow.

A noise up ahead startled me; I moved forward as quietly as I could.

My breathing stayed shallow and slightly wheezy, but my body moved supplely enough to let me duck around small palm trees and ferns.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one seeking sanctuary inside this overgrown space.

Q stood by the huge aviary. His hands braced above his head, fingers threaded through the mesh. His head bowed, and his entire body looked defeated.

His black jeans and grey T-shirt were crumpled; his longer hair desperately needed a brush.

He didn’t notice me as he stood there, staring with vacant eyes at the birds flittering in their cage.

I forced myself to poke at the tender memories inside. ~Please let me be strong enough.~ I thought to myself. I wanted so much to stop his pain. Stop this growing deletion of my feelings.

But nothing happened. All the guilt and fear that would kill me if I let myself remember stayed locked out of reach.

So, I stood there, empty, watching the man I’d broken, unable to do anything about it.

Twenty minutes passed all too quickly. My body grew tired. I wasn’t ready to stand for long periods. Song lyrics played in the background, but I paid no attention.

“She’s flying free,” Q whispered, freezing me. He raised his head to look at a sparrow that landed on the mesh by his hand. “She’s leaving soon, and I don’t think I’ll survive it.”

The bird twittered and preened before taking wing again.

I waited paralyzed, wanting to announce I was there to save overhearing his anguish. But like a lurker, I didn’t move.

“Fuck,” he swore, rattling the mesh. The birds squawked, flapping to the other end of the cage.

~Leave, Tess. Before he sees you.~ I thought to myself. I didn’t want to embarrass him.

Q moved suddenly, pushing off from the cage and striding toward the entrance of the aviary. He unlocked the deadbolt and entered the space.

Birds chirped louder as Q stood in the center of their world. He looked like a man robbed of his own wings. A fallen angel that had no place on earth and fought a daily battle to fit in.

I stepped forward. Should I say something? Comfort him? My heart twisted, needing to be there for him, but no longer able to.

No matter how many kind words I spoke, Q would see I no longer lived inside.

My soul jangled with chains and locks, saving me but also ruining me. The longer I lived in my tower, the more passion and connection faded.

I hated the numbing virus inside, spreading slowly, deleting all memory of who Tess had been.

I was replaced with a carbon replica who would float away in the wind, robbed of her convictions and thoughts. All because I wasn’t strong enough to face what I’d done.

Q cursed under his breath, his chest pumping with emotion. “Why should I keep you when you don’t want to be here? You’re not here for me. You’re here because I lock you up.

“You’re my prisoners, my captives, my trophies.”

He hung his head before waving his arms. ~“Allez vous-en. Je ne veux plus de vous. Elle ne veut plus de plus alors ça sert à quoi, putain?”~ Fly away. I no longer want you.

She no longer wants me, so what's the fucking point?

The birds went crazy, darting left and right, spying freedom through the open door. They exploded through the exit and into the conservatory, weaving through plants and water features.

Wings rustled as I ducked from a small flock of robins.

“Get out!” Q yelled; the birds flurried harder. “Get far away from me.”

I stepped backward, not wanting to see Q breakdown. I wanted it to hurt—to kill me with knowledge that I’d ripped out his heart—but all I felt was emptiness.

Q looked up and froze.

His eyes locked on mine, shining with rage and blackness. I prayed for some awakening, so I could put both of us out of our misery.

I wanted to bring forth all my love for him and keep hiding from my guilt. I wanted to erase the darkness, the lostness and hate from his eyes, but I was useless.

Bowing my head, I dropped my gaze.

Q cursed, exiting the aviary, humming with anger and rage. He stalked toward me, stopping so close his body heat seared my skin.

I flinched, expecting him to lash out—to grab my hair, slap me—something to wake me up.

When he didn’t touch me, I looked up. Q murmured, “So low you must think of me.” He captured a curl, running it gently through his fingertips. “Fly away, ~esclave~, if that is what you want.

“I won’t stop you.” His tone was bleak and derelict.

He turned away, heading toward the huge bifold doors at the end of the conservatory. With a powerful sweep of his arms, he wrenched the doors to the outside world.

Instantly, birds took flight, soaring high into the open skies.

Q sighed heavily, his shoulders tight and bunched as his beloved winged creatures left without so much as a backward glance.

When the last little bluejay had flown free, he turned and stared. The lines around his eyes highlighted tiredness and grief.

I swallowed. “Q... I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head as if unable to believe this was the end. “I tried, Tess. I really did. I did everything you asked of me. I did everything a man in love would do for his woman.

“But you don’t want me and my beast no longer wants to hurt you. Whatever we had... it’s lost.”

I sucked in a breath as he came closer.

“Do you deny it? Will you prove to me here and now that I’m making a big fucking mistake? That you just need more time?” He slammed his hand into a palm tree, causing the fronds to tremble and shiver.

“Tell me what you need! I’ve begged you to talk to me. What are you keeping secret?”

He snorted. “I’ll tell you what you’re keeping secret. The fact that you’re emailing your fucking ex-lover instead of confiding in me!” He looked to the ceiling, rippling with anger. “Why, ~esclave~?”

“Why can’t you cry and let it out? Why can’t you let me heal you? Why do you have to shut me out and run away? ~Fucking why?”~

So many questions and I had no answers. Q stood, fuming with temper. I offered the simplest response. The answer that made no sense, but it was all I could deliver. “They took my mind.

“There’s nothing else to say.”

I deserved to die under the weight of all my guilt. I killed. I tortured. I knew by locking everything deep inside it would fester like a cancer, killing me slowly. But I couldn’t free myself.

It wasn’t possible.

“You would kill me if told you,” I whispered.

Q tensed, eyes trying to crack me open, to read my secrets. “I would never kill you. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”

~Not my fault!~ Of course, it was my fault. I killed his precious birds. I exterminated a human life.

My skin crawled, a reminder that my tower could only protect me so far. I needed to leave before he bulldozed through my barriers.

“You have to let me go, Q. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He laughed, but it was laced with blackness. “~You~ don’t want to hurt ~me~?” He moved closer, raising his palm.

Our eyes never left each other and I stood unmoving, unfeeling, waiting for him to strike.

He trembled, his hand opening and closing with rage. “How much I want to fucking hurt you, Tess.

“If I thought it would bring you back, I’d tie you up and not finish hitting you until you broke into tiny pieces so I could glue you back together.”

The air thickened with violence and I struggled to hold onto my emptiness. Leather Jacket probed my mind, trying to find a way into my tower. A sprinkling of sweat dotted my skin as I struggled.

Q suddenly sighed, dropping his hand. He looked away, his temper dimming to surrender.

~“Je ne vais pas te faire de mal parce que je ne veux pas te détruire.”~ I won’t hurt you, as I don’t want to destroy you. Cupping my cheek, he ran his thumb along my bottom lip.

“I can’t stop you leaving, but I won’t stay to see you go.” His touch disappeared as he stepped back. “I don’t want to see you again. Goodbye, ~esclave.”~

He brushed past without another word.